I have always been looking for away to recover from my addiction to porn and masturbation. I have been active since I was nine years old and I am twenty seven now.

I had thought at first that I would be able to overcome my taavah when I was bar mitzvah, I was wrong.
I hoped I will be stronger when I will go to yeshiva gedola, I was wrong.
I then thought that by the age of onesh bidey shamayim would help me , I was wrong.
I thought  I would be fine after my engagement , I was wrong.
I thought after I get married my tavvah would be fulfilled, I was wrong again.

My addiction haunts me all my days it overcomes me at any moment of weakness. weakness from sadness, depression, annoyance, or any other negative feeling. I have tried many different approaches to this obstacle, and I have looked for different solutions (although not to hard) to this problem. I have finally read in this weeks mishpacha magazine about this website and I hope I will find here the strength and support to help me destroy my yetzer hara.

Dear i need help,

You are in very good company, lots of us here thought exactly as you did. But thanks to GYE we found a new way of thinking... and a new way of life...

Welcome to our community! Once you've arrived, there's no turning back. Everyone here will just grab a hold of you and pull you up, up, up!

Scientific studies have shown that it takes 90 days to change a neural thought pattern that was ingrained in the brain through addictive behaviors. Did you join the 90 day chart on-line? Sign up over here.

Make sure to install a strong filter. It will be almost impossible to break free of this while having all the garbage within a mouse click away. See this page for one good filter option, along with instructions on how to install it best – and give away the password to our "filter Gabai"… See this page for another 20 (or so) filter ideas and information…

We get cries for help every day, by e-mail and on the forum. Tzuras Rabim Chatzi Nechama    And that is why we created the GYE handbooks (links below). If you read them well, from beginning to end, slowly, and try to implement what you read, you will find the answers within them to enable you to completely turn your life around. You're worth it.

Also, join the daily Chizuk e-mail lists to get fresh chizuk every day, and post away on this forum. You will get tons of daily Chizuk and support. This disease can't be beat alone. It works best when you get out of isolation!

GuardYourEyes also offers various free anonymous phone conferences, where you can join a group of other frum Yidden, along with an experienced sponsor. See this page for four different options. Our conferences are taking place daily, throughout the week… This would be a tremendous step in the right direction for you and help you learn freedom from this addiction. Not only will you learn the secret of the 12-Steps – which is known to be the world's most powerful program for beating addiction having helped millions world wide, but joining the group will be another way of GETTING OUT OF ISOLATION and connecting with others who are going through what you are.

Let me tell you a little about the two GuardYourEyes handbooks. They lay down the cornerstone and foundation of our work, and they make our network much more effective and helpful for people.

You see, until now, people would often get "lost" when coming to our website, not knowing what tips and techniques to try. For example, a beginner wouldn't jump straight into therapy or 12-Step groups, while on the other hand, someone whose addiction was more advanced wouldn't be helped by the standard tips of "making fences" putting in "filters" etc… So it was essential to develop a handbook which details all the techniques and tools to dealing with this addiction in progressive order. Now with these handbooks, anyone can read through and see what steps they've tried already, and if those steps haven't worked, they can continue on through the handbook where the steps become progressively more powerful and "addiction-oriented".

And the second handbook, called the "Attitude" handbook, can also help anyone, no matter what level of addiction they may have. Often people write in to us saying that had they only known the proper outlook & attitude that we try and share on the GuardYourEyes network when they were younger, they would have never fallen into an addiction in the first place! So we hope that through this handbook, many addictions will be prevented.

The handbooks are PDF files, set up as eBooks, and they have bookmarks and hyper-links in the Index, to make them easy to navigate.

Note: You might want to print them out to read away from the computer. Keep in mind though, that if you do this, you won't be able to click on the many web links in the articles. But you can always come back to them later. The truth is, it's anyway good to go through the whole handbook once without clicking on links, just to get an overview of all the tools available. Once you did that, you can start again from tool #1 and read each tool through more carefully, click the links and study each technique and assess whether you have tried it fully yet or not…

Right click on the links below and select "Save Link/Target As" to download the handbooks to your computer.

1) The GuardYourEyes Handbook

This Handbook details 18 suggested tools and techniques, in progressive order, beginning with the most basic and fundamental approaches to dealing with this addiction, and continuing down through increasingly earnest and powerful methods. For the first time, we can gauge our level of addiction and find the appropriate tools for our particular situation. And no matter what level our addiction may have advanced to, we will be able to find the right tools to break free in this handbook!

2) The GuardYourEyes Attitude

The Attitude Handbook details 30 basic principles to help us maintain the proper attitude and perspective on this struggle. Here are some examples: Understanding what we are up against, what it is that Hashem wants from us, how we can use this struggle for tremendous growth, how we can deal with bad thoughts, discovering how to redirect the power of our souls, understanding that every little bit counts, learning how to bounce back up after a fall, and so on and so forth…

May Hashem be with you!

Elazar ben Durdayah

Thank you for your reply. I will take a look at the handbooks and the 90 day journey. The problem with my being a computer technician and white hat hacker is that I find a way around every filter there is so I am looking for ways to overcome my yetzer and not just lock myself up.

Dear Chaver,

Welcome!

I'm delighted that the Mishpacha article has already helped someone (once you've reached out like you did, half the battle is won).

I once started my 90-day journey - now, Boruch Hashem, I'm past 21 months.  I'll tell you a secret - what I've found very helpful is that, this time around, staying clean was my number one priority.  Whatever it takes, I'm ready to do.  Read the daily Chizuk e-mails?  Read the Handbooks?  Participate in a 12 step conference call?  Do volunteer work for GYE?  Yes, yes, yes, and yes - whatever it takes.

Hatzlacha!

ineedhelp wrote on 06 Mar 2011 21:27:


You're right on target with that.

A filter is a fence and only a fence.

Still, it's worth it to put up a fence, even if you may be able to break through it...

After all, we can all climb over a guard rail -yet we are glad that there is something between us and the abyss when walking on the edge of a cliff...

well said, but I speak for myself from my own experiences.

My addiction of pornagraphy has more to do with my body requesting a quick good feeling than the need for the view. I have not been led to anything other than masturbation. I do not have a need for anyone other than my wife and the problem that I use porn to help relive stress is what I am trying to overcome . I feel that what I need is a better alternative to feel good.

ineedhelp wrote on 06 Mar 2011 22:31:


You may well find that in the 12 steps!

ineedhelp wrote on 06 Mar 2011 21:27:


I can relate to you predicament exactly. Filters are totally useless for me as well. There is only way to win here - fight, fight, fight!

Indeed, have a look some of the different literature posted above, ultimately, there is only one person that can help you - you. Fight, fight, fight! You can do it!

BTW, even if your a white hater, you should say that you a black hat hacker. It sounds so much more l33t

Im not looking to be l33t just do what i like, hence, white hat.

on the other subject, I will have to spend some time reading all the pdf above, I hope to receive some insight and useful ideas for me from them

You may discover that you have more success surrendering than fighting.  If you're not sure what I mean, you'll find out soon enough.

Well Ineedhelp.

It seems you are getting conflicting advice here.

Reb O wants you to "fight, fight, fight" because only YOU can help yourself.

While Kedusha wants you to give up, but not really give up, but he wants you to admit you our powerless over this addiction and need to rely on a "Higher Power" to fight for you. Or in other words he wants you to start following the 12 steps.

I'll let you make your own decision as to which path works for you.

However, Reb O, I havent had the opportunity to look at Chovas Halevavos recently but doesn't relying on Hashem enter into your plan somewhere? Since when is the Torah way, to do things on your own? Isn't that Kochi V'Otzem Yadi? Is it somehow wrong to ask Hashem to help you beat the Yetzar Hara?

Reb Ineedhelp like I said you need to make your own decisions. I, however, found  no success fighting, and how I fought! but in the end I fell. Now I'm trying the total reliance on Hashem method, I can't say I've been perfect, I take it hour by hour, but certainly I've seen more success this way then the other.

I wish you much hatzlacha.

I am trying to make things a little clearer here, and I hope I don't just confuse the issue further. Here goes.

I think O and Me3 are BOTH RIGHT but they are also BOTH WRONG. Ok. I did it again. I confused myself.

Here's what I mean. Of course we can't fight the YH ourselves, and the only true way to succeed is by surrendering the victory over to Hashem. But, at the same time, we can't just continue to do what we've been doing and say "Look Hashem. I'm in your hands now so don't have Tainas on me!!" So what's the Pshat?!

So this is how I view it. I have determined within myself to fight fight fight unrelentlessly to the bitter end. No relying on GYE, or friends, or wife, or even Hashem. The fight belongs only to me. However, I am actually powerless to win the fight. So the outcome - the victory - that I surrender completely to Hashem. It's like the Chazal "Lo alecha hamelacha ligmor" It's not our job to finish the work, to conquer, to succeed. It's our job to fight. And Daven real hard that Hashem will bring us home victorious.

So - The fight is ours, but the outcome we surrender to Hashem.

Your right Reb Yid

I didn't mean not to fight. I meant to fight through surrendering. Now everything should be clear.

I have read through the basic 12 step process and notice that I have been using the same steps on my journey to recovery all my life, it has not worked for me. I have problems with 8 - 9 for they do not relate to me. the problem I have with step 11 is that I have full emunah and kirvah to hashem just that when the yetzaer hara is misgaber "ein adam over aveirah eleh im ken nichnas bo ruach shtus".

Reb Yid I agree with your point of view and what I need and don't seem to get from the 12 steps is advice and solutions to give me the energy to fight. I need to be convinced somewhere deep in me of the purpose, idea, goal, hope, intent, mission, objective or something or other in order to give me the strenth to overcome the yetzer hara.

@ineedhelp:
First of all, the conflicting advice here is all pretty much on the same page (i.e. common goal), but looking at the topic from different points of view. Different things works for different people, and you can/will find a ton of variety.

What I mean by fight, in the context of your last question ("to be convinced somewhere deep in me of the purpose, idea, goal, hope, intent, mission, objective or something") is that there may not be a magic button that one can hit and become "healed". There is no convincing logical argument that can stop a person from stumbling to spam just because it makes sense to do (although I think you've figured that out by now ).

Everyone here, in some capacity or another, is in the same boat - were all born with a Yetzer Horah. You will find many people here talking about their struggles. Even R' Dov who claims to be clean for 14 (!) years consideres himself to be "in recovery". Ain Apitrupis L'arayos means that were always struggling to stay on the right side of the fence. And that is what I meant by fight: there is no one that can MAKE you stop, if you dont want to stop on your own. And there is no one that can be more successful at helping you stop than your self if you try hard enough. Fight, fight, fight!

As far as some practicality? Your a security guy - so you tell me: is there really such a thing as 1000% secure? Even the most hardened linux kernels can be susceptible to some random buffer overflow or memory leak that has yet to be reported. Heck, look at the BSD kernel rumors (where someone claims the FBI paid him to install a backdoor). On the other hand, it would be silly to put all your servers in the DMZ, kill the firewalls, remove the anit-virus (oh wait, your on mac/linux? ok, no AV then  ) and sit back and say "Eh, its not 100% safe anyway, so why bother trying"!

Even if, say, internet filters dont do much good, there are still Gedarim that can be implemented to help minimize "the threat". Is your computer in a public place where you can have Yiras Basor V'dom (i.e. the fear of people catching us red-handed)? Do you keep a healthy work schedule and try not to hit stressful situations that can trigger spam reactions? The 12 steps talks about four common triggers: HALT (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired). While sometimes we can end up in weird situations, every attempt needs to be made to ensure that we stay away from these and other triggers. Chazal tell us "Va'asu Syag Latorah". That means that we need to place safeguards on everything and place fences around fences to make sure that we dont even get close to a forbidden area. Back to technology - do you really on one "line of defense", say the firewall? Or do you have rules in host.allow/hosts.deny as well? Do you really on "safe" passwords or do you use keys? Fight, fight, fight!

Another point to consider is that your not alone. Its very easy to give up when you think your helpless. People are surprised to learn that just like physical anatomy is the same as the next guys, so to their biological/physiological/spiritual anatomy is the same as the next guys. As you can see from hanging around here, your in pretty good company. Your are NOT problematic (quite the contrary - when I hear people claiming that they DONT have struggles, I wonder if they are OK). Hashem created you (and me and everyone else) with a YH. The gemara say that the YH is so strong that if Hashem wouldn't help us fight him, we wouldnt stand a chance. Look around though, and you will see that Hashem DOSE HELP! There are people ehre that have been clean for the longest time. There are others that have fallen very recently. Either you, your still "normal" and I have come to the best place for help.

You mentioned the chazal of Ruach Shtus. I once heard a nice p'shat in that: Ruach Shtus can refer to over-self confidence/haughtiness (the person is "full of hot air"). (Not to suggest that your a ba'al Gavay or anything) we need to remember ALL the time that without hashems help WE CANNOT SUCCEED! There is no amount of davining that is ever too much. Plead to hashem to give you the strength to keep on truckin' and not stumble.

The first step towards getting help is admitting that we have a problem. The second is actually seeking help. If the "help" you need is 12 steps, SA groups, learning SHL"A/Rashis Chochma (NOT suggested for most), or just
talking to others here and getting chizuk from that - you've taken the first two steps! Your on the way to recovery.

Haba L'tahair M'saim Li!