Dear sweet  40 y.o. guy,

I have never suggested this before openly here, but you asked and here goes:

There is S-Anon, for spouses of recovering perverts (like me). My wife elected not to have anything to do with it, but I personally know more than fifty couples in which the wife is a meeting-going S-Anon member and know about many more wives of lust addicts who just talk with S-Anon women for guidance and help.

I have heard S-Anon's speak at frum sex/lust Addict recovery weekends (we call them 'Shabatons') and what they do is amazing. Truly amazing.

My only caveat is this: Do not do this for you, do it for her. If she wants support and help but does not know where to turn, tell her about S-Anon (they have a website, I am sure, and I can even set you guys up with a # for her to call if that is what y'all want).

But if you find yourself cheppering her to join them, you'll be sorry. It will backfire and she will likely never go there. Trust me, I know.  :-\

Deal's a deal. You know kedusha is going to be so annoyed he missed this (Now that's a comforting thought to take into Shabbos).

I'm sorry about the misspelling. They really need a spell checker here.

I think you should. We aren't trying to stifle free speech, and we welcome your thoughts... in the proper context.

Really welcome aboard.

Here's what helped my wife.

The understanding that my addiction has nothing to do with her and I've would have had the problem no matter who i was with. Even though it effects our marriage, it's cause and continuation have nothing to with our marriage or her. If she accepts this, maybe she will feel less betrayed.

Very true. But the main thing that has helped my wife feel less betrayed has been the fact that i have been sober. And "time heals a lot - but time takes time," as my wife has said many times when she hears about couples going through what we went through.

To echo the prior couple of posts.
If I were to talk to my wife about addiction and other reasons that it is "not about her". It would sound to her like I am making excuses (and perhaps not taking the issue seriously enough) and it would be very counterproductive.
My wife's seeing me making tremndous efforts on the issue (along with time) has been incredibly helpful.
I don't need to be perfect, but her seeing my efforts (which are largely successful) has done wonders.