I am 22 years old, very frum, I am great at everything, Thank God, I have an amazing group of friends, rabbeim, really successful in everything i do. I have been dealing with a big problem for around six years now, in tenth grade i had realized that although i am straight I have a crush on a friend of mine, I had this for about a year and then it went away, then a litttle later on another friend and had it for about three years then it went away for a while, i finally thought i was free, and about three months ago it came crashing back down this time on my best friend, a guy i have really been very close with for a while, we do everything together, and now this is killing me. I went crazy and went to a psychiatrist, I am now on a bunch of meds as well as in therapy every week. The therapy is going really well, but I'm still struggling like crazy. I get suicidal sometimes. This crush means that all i think about is him, i want it to be an exclusive relationship, i hate when he talks to other people. The crush leads to a sexual desire and i am sexually obssesed with him even though other than him i am totally straight. The sexual desire is really not from a sexual pleasure lust, rather its from an extreme need for intamacy and closeness. Looking for any sort of help, reccomended readings, chizuk... Just going through some real hell these days and it's really hard. I told him about it and he took it amazingly, he still hangs out with me and is not at all bothered by it, just wants me to get better. Yesterday I was doing really well and then this week a bunch of guys are going to his house for shabbas and i wanted to go but he thought it wasn't smart b/c it would be very hard for me, and this bothered me a lot, and things came crashing down again. Everytime things pick up they just get worse when they fall back down. I hate that i feel like he sees me as being so pathetic and i feel like this whole thing just makes him in the driver seat and me the pathetic guy running after him. I feel like i tell him everything but now its a one way street.

Dear bringthemessiah ,

Welcome to our community! Once you've arrived, there's no turning back. Everyone here will just grab a hold of you and pull you up, up, up!

Scientific studies have shown that it takes 90 days to change a neural thought pattern that was ingrained in the brain through addictive behaviors. Did you join the 90 day chart on-line? Sign up over here.

Make sure to install a strong filter. It will be almost impossible to break free of this while having all the garbage within a mouse click away. See this page for one good filter option, along with instructions on how to install it best – and give away the password to our "filter Gabai"… See this page for another 20 (or so) filter ideas and information…

We get cries for help every day, by e-mail and on the forum. Tzuras Rabim Chatzi Nechama    And that is why we created the GYE handbooks (links below). If you read them well, from beginning to end, slowly, and try to implement what you read, you will find the answers within them to enable you to completely turn your life around. You're worth it.

Also, join the daily Chizuk e-mail lists to get fresh chizuk every day, and post away on this forum. You will get tons of daily Chizuk and support. This disease can't be beat alone. It works best when you get out of isolation!

GuardYourEyes also offers various free anonymous phone conferences, where you can join a group of other frum Yidden, along with an experienced sponsor. See this page for four different options. Our conferences are taking place daily, throughout the week… This would be a tremendous step in the right direction for you and help you learn freedom from this addiction. Not only will you learn the secret of the 12-Steps – which is known to be the world's most powerful program for beating addiction having helped millions world wide, but joining the group will be another way of GETTING OUT OF ISOLATION and connecting with others who are going through what you are.

Let me tell you a little about the two GuardYourEyes handbooks. They lay down the cornerstone and foundation of our work, and they make our network much more effective and helpful for people.

You see, until now, people would often get "lost" when coming to our website, not knowing what tips and techniques to try. For example, a beginner wouldn't jump straight into therapy or 12-Step groups, while on the other hand, someone whose addiction was more advanced wouldn't be helped by the standard tips of "making fences" putting in "filters" etc… So it was essential to develop a handbook which details all the techniques and tools to dealing with this addiction in progressive order. Now with these handbooks, anyone can read through and see what steps they've tried already, and if those steps haven't worked, they can continue on through the handbook where the steps become progressively more powerful and "addiction-oriented".

And the second handbook, called the "Attitude" handbook, can also help anyone, no matter what level of addiction they may have. Often people write in to us saying that had they only known the proper outlook & attitude that we try and share on the GuardYourEyes network when they were younger, they would have never fallen into an addiction in the first place! So we hope that through this handbook, many addictions will be prevented.

The handbooks are PDF files, set up as eBooks, and they have bookmarks and hyper-links in the Index, to make them easy to navigate.

Note: You might want to print them out to read away from the computer. Keep in mind though, that if you do this, you won't be able to click on the many web links in the articles. But you can always come back to them later. The truth is, it's anyway good to go through the whole handbook once without clicking on links, just to get an overview of all the tools available. Once you did that, you can start again from tool #1 and read each tool through more carefully, click the links and study each technique and assess whether you have tried it fully yet or not…

Right click on the links below and select "Save Link/Target As" to download the handbooks to your computer.

1) The GuardYourEyes Handbook

This Handbook details 18 suggested tools and techniques, in progressive order, beginning with the most basic and fundamental approaches to dealing with this addiction, and continuing down through increasingly earnest and powerful methods. For the first time, we can gauge our level of addiction and find the appropriate tools for our particular situation. And no matter what level our addiction may have advanced to, we will be able to find the right tools to break free in this handbook!

2) The GuardYourEyes Attitude

The Attitude Handbook details 30 basic principles to help us maintain the proper attitude and perspective on this struggle. Here are some examples: Understanding what we are up against, what it is that Hashem wants from us, how we can use this struggle for tremendous growth, how we can deal with bad thoughts, discovering how to redirect the power of our souls, understanding that every little bit counts, learning how to bounce back up after a fall, and so on and so forth…

May Hashem be with you!

I have had tons of misery as a bochor in yeshiva bec of the same issue you describe.

A Rebbi of mine said to me then that since boys are separated from girls the normal human desires can manifest itself in males since those are the only people you're around.

He said it was not un-normal. I was sure at the time that I would be stuck with this issue forever but IT DID SUBSIDE and now its gone Boroch Hashem.

would recommend FRUM professional counseling
(psychologist) if you have been suicidal- this forum is not enough
there may be other issues you are not coming to grips with-
even a psychiatrist alone may not be adequate
HATZLOCHO

Dear BtM,

Sounds like you're having a tough time. I also had some similar experiences when I was around your age (now I'm 27). I actually became close with a guy, had some similar emotional issues, nothing really sexual, and I told him about it at some point, because I was falling apart over it. He did not take it well and we ceased, very abruptly, to be friends.

So far, you've shared this with your friend. He took it well and remained at your side. Now it sounds like you are going through a lot of the emotional patterns that I am, and others are, familiar with. It is ok and it will pass.

Are you in the States or in Israel? I am in Israel. I would be happy to help you in whatever way I can, as I'm sure many other guys here are. Feel free to PM me. Sounds like there's a lot going on for you, so big shkoyach in posting here and let's take this one day at a time.

Sturggle

I found that in my case I saw in my friend everything that I wanted to be -that I believed I am deficient in. In essence there was an element of low self esteem at play.

Seperation helped for me (I switched to a different Yeshiva). It was painful but it spared me a lot of 'unhealthy pain'. I wanted to be my own person -free from all of that at all costs.

In general the healthier I got emotionaly the less these things came up.

So while some type of feelings for another guy is not 'crazy' I would venture to say that in your case the more you can work on self-esteem etc. the less of this issue you'll have.

Another question I have is what is your relationship with your parents, siblings, family, etc.
IN my case I had very little REAL emotional support from family I believe that this was a factor in all of this.

Don't give up hope. back when I had these intense crushes on friends I was in untold agony over it I KNEW there was no way I would be free from it etc. But I can say that for many years now I thank g-d have no traces of all this agony!!

Please keep at it. A very good therapist would be able to help. (be cearful though to find someone good!)

Best of luck!!!
Keep on posting!!

hey man. wondering how things are going...

we wonder why hshem puts us through these gooey nisyonos.....until a tzaddik like bringthemeassiah comes around and then it all makes sense. Bringthemessiah, i never had your'e struggle, but stick to tried 123 and sturgle-look what hshem does for you. Its amazing! with respect of your honesty,
                  tzaddik90

Hey, Thanks a ton for asking, means a lot to me. I'm actually doing a lot better, the therapy is going really really well. Its annoying b/c the point im at now is that i feel like i dont need him (the friend) anymore but since im in the same place as him i still go after him and am always frustrated. Truth is, its even worse than that, b/c now i sort of feel like i dont even like him, like he's annoying and very self centered, yet the problem is that before this whole thing, a few months ago, we were best friends and i obviously like him a lot, so i dont know what to make of these new feelings...
Any thoughts?

like i said, ive never had exactly this nisayon so its a shot in the dark, but i think perhaps your struggle now abt. your new view of your friend- i think to this i can relate.

I may be way off, like in nove scotia, but its a common thing in relationship theory.

When too people are friends, it is because there is alot of chemistry, more ingredients than you think, that go into it to make the relationship.
ie. I used to relate to my best friend in a certain way, and i was going then for therapy and he'd help me through.
when i got well enough, our relationship changed because i didnt need him anymore in exactly the same way.

So we split up for a while. That was wrong.
It just didnt make sense-why'd we split? even if what connected us changed, there are still many other things that connect us.

So i brought it up over a red carlsberg in the park (im a hobo, what can i say) and we REFOCUSED THE POINT OF OUR RELATIONSHIP.
We re friended on a diff. nekudah.
In fact, ive undergone this type of thing several times, so its deffinitely not far from where you prob. are.
I could be ma-arich and risk being overly deep, but for now see if this either compares or contrasts to your feelings and then we can all jump in from there.
I read your'e thread, your'e a great guy, keep it up,tz90

Hey, thannks a lot. Great points, I really hear them. Do you think it's as straight forward if i find him annoying and self centered, and not just that i lost my need for him but that i am actually annoyed being around him. But i don't know where this all came from b/c before this whole episode i didn't see him like this. Truth is it's most likely that im just annoyed that i have an unfulfilled love for him so i subconciously start to make up problems with him so i can blaim him and not my self.
Also, I don't want to take too much of your time but I would love to here the deep thoughts, I'm very very into this stuff...

seems like you have some pretty good insights yourself. i sent you a PM, so check me there. and tzaddik90 sounds a lot closer than Nova Scotia.

"tzaddik90" has some good points,
My say would be, at this point to loose your friend would hurt your feelings,
don't consider him your best friend but don't hate him, (he has done nothing wrong) he may have acted differently to you, which may result from his lack of understanding how to deal with the situation, let him know that the situation is solved naturally, this will make you much more comfortable being around him.

Also remember thing will settle with time.
Hope this helps

Remember as well that your'e friend may not be savvy enough emotionally to understand the intricacies of this pain of yours as well. I have experienced this as well. You may be frued, but your'e friend, as great a guy as he is, may not chap what's going on like u. See if u can ascertain this, and remember to respect him as a person, even if he doesnt understand. In my great sins, i recall trying to force my friends to understand me-i caused them much pain and it was unfair.
Smart and dumb, nice to see u around!
youre not as dumb as u prob. think.
Come more often.
Bring the....how are u in general, no need to reply, just checkin up on u
tz

tzaddik90 wrote on 22 Feb 2011 13:34:


Nice!!!