Hi. I've been a Rebbe and a mentor of elementary school children for many years. I've also been dealing with the addiction for about 20 years, although I didn't realize it was an addiction until recently. My biggest problem always has been the guilt. Besides that I know I sholudn't be doing these things. But I would constantly be advising and inspiring children and darshaning about the dangers of shmiras ainayim. People knew me as THE ADDRESS to send their boys for the proper Hashkafa with these issues. I feel like I was able to give inspired advise because I knew first hand about the dangers. I also was able to advise people not to allow themselves to do what I knew I had done. The worst part was, they walked away encouraged and inspired, and I walked away depressed. The knowledge and the hypocrosy was torturing me. It still does. If anybody can relate to my circumstances, and offer me some of the encouragement I've offered so many others over the years, I would be very grateful.
I am attaching a copy of letter that I wrote through a fictitous alias many years ago. It was from the Yetzer Hara himself, to my brother who was having difficulties with other issues at the time. I would love feedback.
Thanks

Dear Reb Joe,

No need to feel hypocritical anymore -we'll let the Bardichever of GYE give you his shmooze about guilt...

You've come to the right place.

Most of us have had these feelings when we first came here -since by definition, as Frum Jews who are struggling with filth, and falling, falling, falling -we have lived a double life for years -or even decades. But here -you will be able to open your eyes and your heart...Once you've arrived, there's no turning back. Everyone here will just grab a hold of you and pull you up, up, up!

Scientific studies have shown that it takes 90 days to change a neural thought pattern that was ingrained in the brain through addictive behaviors. Did you join the 90 day chart on-line? Sign up over here.

Make sure to install a strong filter. It will be almost impossible to break free of this while having all the garbage within a mouse click away. See this page for one good filter option, along with instructions on how to install it best – and give away the password to our "filter Gabai"… See this page for another 20 (or so) filter ideas and information…

We get cries for help every day, by e-mail and on the forum. Tzuras Rabim Chatzi Nechama    And that is why we created the GYE handbooks (links below). If you read them well, from beginning to end, slowly, and try to implement what you read, you will find the answers within them to enable you to completely turn your life around. You're worth it.

Also, join the daily Chizuk e-mail lists to get fresh chizuk every day, and post away on this forum. You will get tons of daily Chizuk and support. This disease can't be beat alone. It works best when you get out of isolation!

GuardYourEyes also offers various free anonymous phone conferences, where you can join a group of other frum Yidden, along with an experienced sponsor. See this page for four different options. Our conferences are taking place daily, throughout the week… This would be a tremendous step in the right direction for you and help you learn freedom from this addiction. Not only will you learn the secret of the 12-Steps – which is known to be the world's most powerful program for beating addiction having helped millions world wide, but joining the group will be another way of GETTING OUT OF ISOLATION and connecting with others who are going through what you are.

Let me tell you a little about the two GuardYourEyes handbooks. They lay down the cornerstone and foundation of our work, and they make our network much more effective and helpful for people.

You see, until now, people would often get "lost" when coming to our website, not knowing what tips and techniques to try. For example, a beginner wouldn't jump straight into therapy or 12-Step groups, while on the other hand, someone whose addiction was more advanced wouldn't be helped by the standard tips of "making fences" putting in "filters" etc… So it was essential to develop a handbook which details all the techniques and tools to dealing with this addiction in progressive order. Now with these handbooks, anyone can read through and see what steps they've tried already, and if those steps haven't worked, they can continue on through the handbook where the steps become progressively more powerful and "addiction-oriented".

And the second handbook, called the "Attitude" handbook, can also help anyone, no matter what level of addiction they may have. Often people write in to us saying that had they only known the proper outlook & attitude that we try and share on the GuardYourEyes network when they were younger, they would have never fallen into an addiction in the first place! So we hope that through this handbook, many addictions will be prevented.

The handbooks are PDF files, set up as eBooks, and they have bookmarks and hyper-links in the Index, to make them easy to navigate.

Note: You might want to print them out to read away from the computer. Keep in mind though, that if you do this, you won't be able to click on the many web links in the articles. But you can always come back to them later. The truth is, it's anyway good to go through the whole handbook once without clicking on links, just to get an overview of all the tools available. Once you did that, you can start again from tool #1 and read each tool through more carefully, click the links and study each technique and assess whether you have tried it fully yet or not…

Right click on the links below and select "Save Link/Target As" to download the handbooks to your computer.

1) The GuardYourEyes Handbook

This Handbook details 18 suggested tools and techniques, in progressive order, beginning with the most basic and fundamental approaches to dealing with this addiction, and continuing down through increasingly earnest and powerful methods. For the first time, we can gauge our level of addiction and find the appropriate tools for our particular situation. And no matter what level our addiction may have advanced to, we will be able to find the right tools to break free in this handbook!

2) The GuardYourEyes Attitude

The Attitude Handbook details 30 basic principles to help us maintain the proper attitude and perspective on this struggle. Here are some examples: Understanding what we are up against, what it is that Hashem wants from us, how we can use this struggle for tremendous growth, how we can deal with bad thoughts, discovering how to redirect the power of our souls, understanding that every little bit counts, learning how to bounce back up after a fall, and so on and so forth…

May Hashem be with you!

Elazar Ben Durdayah

Wow, it always and still amazes me when people have the courage to face this very very difficult reality. I applaud you and I know you are in the right place to start to recover.

A word of advice I learned along my journey: Any information, knowledge, guidance, etc that I may have had before I joined recovery, cannot fix or cure me. There is a guy in one of my meetings who always says: I don't lack knowledge, I lack power. How true this has proven for me.

Secondly, GYE is great and I hope I dont start a firestorm here but FOR ME, the only way I was able to start to really recover was by joining an SA group. Here I found many people (rebbeim, teachers, friends, even family) and each one welcomed me with outstretched and non-judgmental arms. By working the 12 steps of SA, talking to a sponsor and going to meetings, I have begun the recovery process which has started to change me into a sane person, not riddled with guilt, etc.

Best of luck to you and may Hashem guide you down this glorious path.

Reb Joe,

I must say that I just read your attachment, and I was incredibly impressed. Now I have to go back again and read it b'iyun. See, that's who the real you is - a chashuver Yid who can write such an outstanding letter, and who has a good understanding of Milchemes HaYetzer -and not the bleak portrait of yourself that the YH tries to paint in front of your eyes.

Stick around and learn the GYE attitude, and you'll be truckin' in no time...

EBD

hi and welcome,

guilt and hypocrisy are the "rites of passage" here at GYE

stick around, read up, get to know some of the special people here and you will learn how to live life
SA groups might be the answer, depending on your situation, you will need to judge

keep an open mind and hang on tight cause b'ezras Hashem this is the beginning of the end for the guilt and hypocrisy ride!
much hatzlocha
zs

Reb Joe, welcome.  Ain Chodesh Tachas Hashemesh.  As to feeling like a hypocrite.  Take a look at the Chovos Halevovos in the Hakdamah to Shaar Habitchaon regarding the "porush echad who went to the medinas hayom."  We are all guilty of the same hypocrisy.  The question is now that you are aware of the hypocrisy and are being presented with the tools to deal with it, what you do.  In that case when presented with the hypocrisy of his life, the porush took it to heart and changed the way he lived his life.  We need to do the same.  And in this wonderful community, everyone is working on just that.
As to the feelings of guilt.  If you have not listened to Rabbi Reisman's shuir.  Link here: (www.guardureyes.com/GUE/Music/mus/ShiurYesodos.mp3) I urge you to do so.

The main thing is to get out of the isolated way you've been living until now.  Coming forward with your story is a great first start.  Moreover, precisely because you have guided so many on the right path is why you have so much to offer all us.  The Yetzer Hora understands this well and that is why he is trying to cause you to have guilty feelings regarding all of the wonderful guidance you've given in the past.  Don't let him succeed.

So welcome and much hatzlacha.

Reb Joe

Nuch a mazal u feel like a hypocrite

That means u are normal


And u didn't make peace with ur matzav

To be honest I didn't read ur letter yet

I will blee neder

My blackeberyy won't open it

Here it goes


Forget what u feel

Forget how u got here

(Imagine reb akiva sitting in front of thousands of students and thinking to himself

Ucchh I was such a rasha

If these kids only knew...)

Do u think we would have reb akiva??

No no no


I have a lot of admiration for u


Follow our truck

Or hop on to it


Please resolve to stay here

Post

Post post

And read read read


U will be helped (not cured. But that is for another post. Back in to shiur!!  With a smile)

B

Hey Reb Joe, it's good to have you with us. We're a harmless friendly bunch who are looking to help each other out and get helped in return. Post away. Let your heart flow. You're off to a great start and we'll make it out of this one way or another. One day at a time, one step at a time.

KOT!

-Mac

Reb Joe,

You kept me clean tonight. What an amazing letter. Thank you for helping us all out from the start. This will be a tough battle with many ups and downs. I know this because I can tell how much potential you have and how many punches your personal trainer will soon be throwing your way. He will train you well. You will come out stronger than ever and you will really deserve that VIP seat by the kisei haKavod after 120 yrs.

Hatzlocha. Please be in touch.