Stayingfocused wrote on 11 Mar 2011 16:31:


I think that G-d created the women who will make your life perfect and will help you grow in every area, etc.. He knows best not you and to harbor thoughts of "What if" is doing a disservice to your ultimate bashert.

Also, the perfect wife for you doesn't mean that once you find her life will be one long walk on the beach. Perfect may mean very hard work with ups and downs that you need to work through.

Staying Focused,
How did it go on Monday? I hope you are doing ok because I know this must have been very hard for you. I understand that you feel she is the best girl out there possible for you, but obviously Hashem does not feel this way. He seems to have other plans right now and your true bashert will be THE BEST GIRL FOR YOU! You can not harp on what could have been. Right now the only direction possible to go in is forward. As hard as it may seem you have to put one foot in front of the other and keep going forward. Go through the motions, ride the waves and eventually you will realize you did it- you are surfing! I can guarantee you that if Hashem did not think you can handle this nisayon He would not have given it to you. He obviously knows you can and will pass it! Let us know how you are doing!

I received an e-mail today from Rabbi Shafier of The Shmuz, which I would like to share:


Stop Playing G-d

Eighty percent of our emunah problems, and ninety percent of our questions on HASHEM stem from one mistake-we play G-d. Playing G-d means I know exactly what I need. I need to marry that woman. I need that job. I need my child to get into that school.  I've talked to HASHEM about it. I've explained it Him.  I've even brokered deals with Him: "If You grant me this, I'll ...". Yet for some reason He just won't listen.

"HASHEM, what's the deal? Are you angry with me? Are You punishing me? Why do You insist in making my life so difficult? This is what I need. It's so clear. It's so obvious. Why won't you just grant me it?" 

And I go on asking questions.  "It's not fair. It doesn't make sense! HASHEM, what do you want from me?"

The problem here is quite simple - I am playing G-d. Playing G-d means, I know exactly what I need, and now I have figure out how to get HASHEM to understand that.  And, the simple reality that maybe, just maybe, this isn't good for me, never seems to cross my mind.

Historical perspective
The strange part of this is that I have lived through situations that didn't exactly turn out as I thought they would. I absolutely had to have that job; it was just what I needed. I could earn a living, support my family, and still have time to learn. It was the perfect fit. In the end, I didn't get that job, and I had major questions. "HASHEM, why?!  Why aren't you there for me?" Then five years later, I find out that the entire industry is being shipped over to India. Oh...

Another time, my son absolutely, positively had to get into that class; it was just right for him. Great rebbe, good atmosphere - it was perfect for him. And the Menahel, wouldn't let him in. "HASHEM why? Where are you?" Then, two months later, I find out that there's a child in that class, who would have been the worst possible influence on my son. IT would have been devastating.  Hmm...

I tried to marry that woman. She was perfect. Great match, good family, she would make a fantastic wife and mother for my children. And it didn't go. "HASHEM why have you abandoned me? This is what I need!"  She married someone else, and two years later, I find out that term "mentally instable" is a mild description of her situation. Mmmmm....

Part of human nature
And, we do this all the time. We act as if we truly know what it is that is best for us. We run after it. We hotly pursue it. "No obstacle will get in my way. Nothing will prevent this from coming about." And when lo and behold my efforts are thwarted-the questions begin. "But, why? It's not fair. I am a good person. HASHEM, why won't You just help me?"

The problem here is quite simple; we are playing G-d. We act as if we know exactly what we need; we try to convince HASHEM to give it to us. And when it doesn't go-the questions start.

And while it's easy to see the folly of this when other people do it, when it happens in my world, in my life then the real challenge begins. To break out of this, we need to change two perspectives. The first one is easy to grasp. The second one is far more difficult.

Perspective #1 - HASHEM loves me
The first perspective is that HASHEM loves me, more than I love me. HASHEM is more concerned for my good than I am. And, HASHEM has my best interests at heart, to an even greater extent than I do.

While this concept may sound lofty, it isn't that far removed from us. To see it in action, all you have to do is study your life. Look back on the strange twists and turns of fate that brought you to where you are today. Every Jew has a story.  "I met that person, who just happened to mention..." "I ended up in that that course, where it just so happened that...."

When you look back on the events that have shaped your life, you see the hand of HASHEM. You see HASHEM orchestrating occurrences that shaped your life.  And now in hindsight, you see that HASHEM was taking care of you, guiding you, leading you.  While you were living through it, it looked "bad", it appeared that HASHEM didn't care, However, after the fact, you understand that it was done out of love, and concern for your ultimate good.

HASHEM knows better than I
However, knowing that HASHEM loves me is the easy part. The second concept, which is far more difficult, is knowing that HASHEM knows better than I what is best for me. And understanding that HASHEM knows better than me what it is that I need.

HASHEM created the heavens and all that it contains. He wrote the formulas for quantum physics and molecular biology. He views the entire universe with one glance. He sees the future as the past. And He has the wisdom to see far reaching results. What will this bring to ten years from now? What will the consequences be twenty years from now? 

I, on the other hand... I see about two inches in front of my face. I can't remember what I had for breakfast this morning. I make mistakes.  I blunder. I get confused and caught up. As much as I think I know, I am often wrong.  That which I think will be so good for me, is so often just the opposite. And, I forget. I forget lessons, I forget facts. I forget results and I forget consequences.

HASHEM doesn't. HASHEM remembers every event since creation.  And HASHEM made me. He is my Creator, and he knows me even better than I do. He understands me better than I do. And so, HASHEM understands what I need, better than I do.

While this may sound obvious, it is - until it comes to the thick and thin of life. In the busyness of doing, and going, and accomplishing, this simple reality fades from my sight.  I need that. I must have this. I have to accomplish that. And, when I face the brick wall blocking my path - I push on, bucking against everything in front of me. And I ask questions: "HASHEM, where are you? Why aren't you helping me?"

The idea that maybe, just maybe HASHEM is telling me something. Maybe HASHEM is saying no - never seems to cross my mind. Maybe it's not going, because it's not supposed to go. Maybe HASHEM knows better than I what is for my best. "Hmmmm.... Never thought about that."

Putting it into practice
When I fully embrace these two ideas, that HASHEM loves me more than I love me, and that HASHEM knows better than I what is best for me, I approach life differently. I still try. I still put in my effort. I use my wisdom, reach decisions, and then pursue them-but now it's different.

I have my part. And, HASHEM has His. My role is to go through the motions; HASHEM is responsible for the outcome. And, if I try and it doesn't go, I try again and it doesn't go, I don't kick. I accept. When opportunities don't present themselves despite my best efforts, I turn my eyes to heaven and say, HASHEM you know best. I trust in You.

And finally I understand life, and my place in it. I am the creation, and HASHEM You are my Creator.  I am but an actor on the stage, I have my part to play, You direct the play, and You alone write the script. I know that you love me and take care of me. My job is to do; and You take care of the rest.

I really feel for you, but I don't advise saying goodbye to her in person. That could be very dangerous and lead to a fall, since you both still have feelings for each other.

If you don't want to listen to what I'm telling you, at least make sure you meet her in a very public place.

Hashem will be with you for doing the right thing, and may he help you find your true zivug in the best time.

It seems I always take long breaks btwn posts, and once again now is no different. The past week and a half was filled wit lots of craziness, and ill try to explain as best as I can witout writing an entire megila. Last motzei shabbos,and not monday, turned out to b the best time for us to meet up and say goodbye in person. We met up and exchanged goodbye letters and were just talking trying to avoid the dreadful goodbye, until there really wasn't enough time to get it done then, and we pushed it off for another day. The next day my parents told me that a shadchan called about a certain girl for me. I mentioned in an earlier post how I had a friend hu was dating a girl very seriously for almost as long as I was and she ended up ending it, and that girl is hu my parents wanted me to go out wit. Now it also happens to b that this girl is good friends wit the girl I was goin out wit and we become like "couple friends". My parents really liked this idea and it felt like I was being forced to go out wit her! For a # of reasons, that I think r very valid, this girl is prob the last girl on the planet hu I'm interested in goin out wit as the first person after my whole situation, and here it just came up and I wasn't really being given a choice! I knew that this wud b so hurtful to my girlfriend especially if she wud have to find out thru the grapevine, so I decided to tell her wat happened even tho at the time I wasn't for sure goin out wit her cuz I wanted to speak to my rebbi first about it. Well wen I told her she was of course very hurt, although it was even worse than I thought. She was so mad and hurt that she said things to me that were extremely hurtful. She said things like I obviously didn't care about her and her feelings and that she hates me and that I just made it really easy to say goodbye! I really was just trying to protect her feelings and explain that I didn't really have a choice in this, but it made it even worse. It was disasterous and I cried myself to sleep from the hurt I was feeling then. The next day, monday, I decided to go talk to her in person and apologize about the whole thing, and to show her how much I really do care about her. She was sorry that she said those things and apologized, but she was still cold which was pretty painful for me. At the end of the day I was happy I went cuz I really didn't want to end our relationship on such a sour note, which wud completely destroy everything we had for the past 4 months, and I felt now I had done everything I cud to help. She ended up telling me later that she was really sorry for being so obnoxious wen we met and that really made me feel better. I know she really really cares about me and wants the best for me, but it was nice to hear it from her even tho I know its true. Well anyways, I ended up speaking to my rebbi and rav, and basically they decided that even tho I had very valid reasons for not wanting to date this girl and its not the most idealshiduch rite now, there was just too much hashgacha involved and despite everything I shud go for it. This really wasn't the answer I wanted to hear, but I asked daas torah and they told me this is wat I shud do so I have to trust that somehow this is wat hashem expects of me. I'm goin out wit her tom nite, and honestly it hasn't set in yet. I'm still in touch wit my girlfriend, and I know that we have to end it before I go out wit this other girl. There were many times where we tried to say goodbye, but it just never worked out yet. There r a lot of things goin on in her life rite now and she's goin thru so much heartbreak and its so hard for me not to b there for her. I really care about her and I always will, and I can't stand seeing her go thru all the hardships she's goin thru now. I know that us saying goodbye is only gonna add to that pile, and I'm so tempted to not do it so I can help her. I know that I can't do that, cuz I need to try to move on and focus on this other girl. As every1 keeps saying this is wat hasem wants (kedusha, thanx for posting that shmooze, everything there is soo true and I hope I can internalize it), and if that's the case its clearly best for me. Its terribly hard for me to understand rite now, and I hope I can get thru this. I also really hope that shell b able to get thru these difficlt times too. Even tho we won't b able to talk anymore, I really care about her and hope hashem helps her understand very soon y this is happening, and that she only gets the best. 

I've been following your story for a while now. It is truly very moving. It is filled with hopes and dreams. With excitement and disappointment. With anticipation and with anxiety. I really was not sure what to say, so I said nothing. I also was not certain how things would turn out, but after your last post, I feel differently. I am pretty hopeful that things will go well. How do I know?
Stayingfocused wrote on 22 Mar 2011 02:48:

When I read those words, I was very encouraged. Someone in your situation can not possibly think straight. The heart simply won't get out of the way!!! And any decision you might make, even if correct, will be subject to some serious doubts which will rob you of your peace of mind. There is only one Eitza. "Hashlech Al Hashem Yehovacha, Vehu Yechalkelecha". When it is too difficult to think, don't. Let Hashem do the thinking for you. And the only way for us to know what it is that He wants us to do, is to ask Daas Torah, and do what they say - regardless of how we feel about it.
This is exactly what you said here. And this is why I am encouraged.
Listen to your Rebbe. If he says break it, then do so asap. If he says to wait it out, then do that. And be confident that NOBODY EVER LOST OUT BY LISTENING TO DAAS TORAH. NEVER!!!

May Hashem bless you with a tremendous clarity to be able to see with a Klurkeit what the right thing to do is. And one of my favorite brachos all time: May you be zoche to see how everything that happened until now, was really in fact a bracha from Hashem, and to your benefit 100%. It definitely was. May Hashem open your eyes to see for yourself how it was and that it was the best for you!!

Hatzlocha!!!

Run this by me again?

You met with her to say goodbye, told her you were going to start dating somebody else and..

She was hurt? Said you obviously don't care about her?

As I recall she initiated this break up, not you.  And secondly, does she want you to wallow in sorrow and self pity for the rest of your life? I would think if she had any feelings for you she would encourage you to move on and continue dating. Cecause that is clearly the best for your future.

My friend you ( and her) need to take a step back and realize that you were (are) highly infatuated with each other.  Infatuation, while being an exciting drug has nothing to do with love.

Nothing whatsoever!

You keep holding broken glass in your hand and cant understand why you continue to bleed?
Huh?

Point taken, well somewhere back on Page 1 of this thread he did mention a porn and mast problem.

Also for some of us who don't have television's (And now that HARRY"S SON is no more) this is our soap opera, can't you allow us a little entertainment?

David/Rage; right on target.  (btw; I dont like/agree with your new avatar. Just saying....)
Stayingfocused; stop hurting yourself.
Me3; be nice. he's in pain.

David/Rage wrote on 22 Mar 2011 17:35:

I know this is not an official 12 Step/Tradition site but since many people here do live by them maybe they are relevant.

Tradition 3



So if you decide you belong - you belong.





Step 2



I don't know about a lust addiction but reading this thread I would say this guy definitely needs the steps......

no offense intended (you know what they say "if you spot it - you got it")

so welcome!!

Me3: I'd like to clarify that I understand very well y she was very hurt and upset wen I told her I was prob gonna date this other girl. She is def looking out for my best and wants me to b happy, and at this point that means to date other girls. She didn't want me to wallow in sorrow forever and was happy for me that I was able to pick up the pieces and try to move on. BUT there r a lot of difficulties goin on in her life and telling her I was "moving on" was news that made everything even more unbearable! And to make matters worse this other girl was a good friend of hers which makes the pain even closer to home! I was never upset at her that she got angry at me and said wat she said cuz I knew that she never meant any part of it. I know wat she thinks about me, and even in those moments I never doubted it for a second,but at that moment the hurt was just too much for her to bear and it manifested itself the wrong way. Did it hurt? Ya big time, but I'm not upset at her at all cuz I know she didn't mean it and she told me that as well, and I completely understand where she was coming from.
David/rage: I'd like to make it very clear that I never posted here to tell her how I feel. Anything that I wrote here I already told her myself in person. As of my last post we were still in contact so I never needed to post here just to tell her stuff. We were always very open wit our feelings on things, and we never had a problem discussing wit each other wat we were feeling. Now as far as if I belong on this site, idk the answer to that. If u read my first post, then u saw I have a porn and mast prob. B"h wit hashems help I have been clean from that garbage for over 160 days, and I'm def still a work in progress. After being clean for a while I had a tremendous fall wit this girl and it was wit issues that r very much a part of this site! Did it stem from the issues that I myself have? Its possible, but it was a mutual fall and although we tok it pretty far, unfortunately wat we did isn't so uncommon so mayb its not. Either way, at the time it was a tremendous struggle and I needed help so I turned to the ppl here. The ppl here r the only ones on the planet besides for a rav that we called tog anonymously that know exactly wat happened, and I got a lot of chizuk from being here. As the story unfolded I continued to post about it  cuz I needed the chizuk and I got that here. I agree that at this point my story is pretty removed from the issues that this website deals wit, but its still a struggle for me and I need the help and i get that here from posting and from hearing wat ppl say. And besides, if ur dealing wit lust issues urself I'm sure u know that a times of pain and depression we like to turn to our drung of choice, and there have been times where I def have had strong urges. But I get chizuk here and that helps keep me strong in those areas as well!
For e/o else: I'm not sure how I had the strength to do it, but we finally said goodbye to each other yesterday. I know it was something we had to do, but wow was it hard. Its hard to imagine goin thru everyday life witout talkin to her and having her connected to me, and I hope hashem gives me the strength for it cuz witout him it aint happenin!  And as I said in my last post, I went out wit another girl yest. It was def weird to b on a date wit some1 else, esp this other girl, and  our ex's came up a number of times (soooo weird!!!!) but b"h it went smoothly and were goin out again. I know I'm doin the rite thing cuz my rabbeim told me this is wat I shud do now, I just hope I get to c real soon how its all for my best. 

Hatzlacha!

Staying Focused,
This story is truly heart wrenching. I believe you belong on this site because you want to be here. Also you will have to tell this new girl about your lust addiction as well as your fall between you and the other girl. Both those things are not easy to share and we are here to give you chizuk! I'm sorry for you that you had the courage to tell the other girl about your addiction and in the end it did not work out. I hope this new girl will be just as accepting if not more. Congrats on reaching over 160 days that is a huge accomplishment. As for David/Rage's comments, they are entertaining and keeping this thread away from depression. I personally don't think the other girl will resurface until he has truly invested himself into the new girl- then the dillema will arise. But I hope you can have a clear cut decision to make. We are here for you! Hatzlacha