Please see further down for original post

Update #1 (January 18, 2011) :
B"h, with Hashem's help and the help of my friends here on the forum, I have not watched shmutz for 30 days now, which is when I joiined this site.  Unfortunately, I did mast** once 3 days after joining this site, so I guess I'm technically 27 days clean.  But that was just a small blip on a massively upward trending graph of awesome goodness.  30 days is not a big deal for me; I've done it before on my own, even without filters and this site, but it still wasn't easy.  I found that 3 things helped me the past 30 days:

1) accountability software. I have a filter also but cmon, I could find stuff out there if I want, and I did want at certain points in the past 30 days.  But that accountability software is the real deal, giving me a fear of what my partner will see in the report. 

2) Honesty: There were a few times where the y"h told me "cmon, just look at something that's not porn, just a pic of a hot girl that's sexy but still wearing clothes."  And I thought about it a little and thought, "Wait, you're telling me to watch porn, you just know that I won't watch porn right away so you're telling me to work my way up, that's how it always starts."  In other words, I was honest.  What is happening here? What's the objective of seeing hot girls with clothes on.  It's just to build it up till I see porn.  With honesty I was able to resist because I'm invested in this process and I write on the forum.  What's the point of investing and then trying to fool yourself by not being honest.

3) I prayed: Taking showers is dangerous for me.  Growing up, that was always a dangerous place for me.  I'm actually taking showers less often now (don't worry, I still take them often enough).  Yesterday, before I went to the shower, I heard the y"h in the back of my head telling me to self stimulate.  I took 15 seconds to daven to Hashem and tell him to please not test me and to please help me just through this shower.  BH, after the shower I'm clean, pun intended  .

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Original Post:
Hello all,

My status: 3 weeks clean
I've taken a hachlata to write my story out and update this thread/post with my progress. I found gye recently and have been clean since, so far about 3 weeks.

My story: Lonliness and Depression
I've suffered from depression since age 12, or perhaps younger but I'm not sure.  The main cause of depression has been lonliness, and more particularly, a need for marital companionship (not just sex, but rather a deep seeded need for love/companionship through a woman).  This depression/lonliness is clearly the reason I resorted to the Internet to self medicate.  I'm 28 years old, not married yet, and I started looking at things on the internet by age 23.  I'm having an awful time with shidduchim since I started dating at age 25.  I try to maintain a positive attitude about getting married, but inevitably I become sad.  I've gone to psychologists and I've taken medication, but neither will fix my need for companionship.

My deepest fear as a teenager was not getting married and this is why this challenge is so great for me.  At age 28, I already feel a sense of shame and embarrasment at not being married yet in my community where boys are generally married by age 25 or 26 at latest.  That's why I turned to porn so often in the past 5 years.  I'm just very lonely. 

Anyhow, I've committed myself now to breaking free of porn, even though I really enjoy it (well, before the tremendous guilt that comes after a fall) and it does actually temporarily help me cope (very temporarily, again til I fall). But it's just not healthy. And it's very bad in the eyes of Hashem (which is important to us, thus the guilt afterward), so I must stop.  I'm at 3 weeks now and hope to continue forever.  I will update this thread with my status by the week iyh.  I would greatly appreciate your words of encouragement.  Hopefully, with your support I will make it.

Baruch Habah!
Wow3 weeks sobriety is impressive!
how r u feeling? i hear ur feelings of depression,lonliness ,shame and embarrasment.  A lot of us end up here even after marriage with  feelings of depression and lonliness. Part of the recovery process is developing healthy relationships with other people in recovery. So u have taken a good step. keep posting,maybe join one of the phone conferences? Hatzlacha Raba!

yedidya aleph wrote on 13 Jan 2011 22:55:

Thanks for your response and encouragement.  I'm not convinced that anything other than marriage will help my lonliness.  I have friends (they're all married, most with kids) and it doesn't help.  I really need that close bond that marriage provides.  I understand that some people are lonely even in marriage, which is unfortunate.  I have no real need for porn, I really don't.  The only reason I use it is for self medicating, to escape my problems.  I appreciate your response.  It's good to know others are encouraging me, it will help me stay clean. 

Regarding how I feel.  I still have strong Taavas but I read the chizuk emails everyday and if I feel week, I come over to gye and read others' stories and realize how much porn destroys lives.  It keeps me in check and helps me do the right thing.

Tnx for taking the step to come here, 1 good thing that I see in ur delayed marriage, is that u can marry while u r clean and heading ur way for full recovery which is gana make ur married life a very smooth experience, cuz getting married while addicted is just a pain in the a$$, so hang in with us here and hashem will be with u

jewinprogress wrote on 14 Jan 2011 20:09:


Thanks for your comment.  It's amazing to me how much each comment from another yid helps in staying clean.  I'm happy I made the move to open up on this forum. 

So are we!

Since the Heilige Guard is in the US, trying to raise crucial funding for this holy site, I take the liberty of giving you the Shalom Aleichem which he would normally give you if he were able to:

Welcome to our community! Once you've arrived, there's no turning back. Everyone here will just grab a hold of you and pull you up, up, up!

Scientific studies have shown that it takes 90 days to change a neural thought pattern that was ingrained in the brain through addictive behaviors. Did you join the 90 day chart on-line? Sign up over here.

Make sure to install a strong filter. It will be almost impossible to break free of this while having all the garbage within a mouse click away. See this page for one good filter option, along with instructions on how to install it best – and give away the password to our "filter Gabai"… See this page for another 20 (or so) filter ideas and information…

We get cries for help every day, by e-mail and on the forum. Tzuras Rabim Chatzi Nechama    And that is why we created the GYE handbooks (links below). If you read them well, from beginning to end, slowly, and try to implement what you read, you will find the answers within them to enable you to completely turn your life around. You're worth it.

Also, join the daily Chizuk e-mail lists to get fresh chizuk every day, and post away on this forum. You will get tons of daily Chizuk and support. This disease can't be beat alone. It works best when you get out of isolation!

GuardYourEyes also offers various free anonymous phone conferences, where you can join a group of other frum Yidden, along with an experienced sponsor. See this page for four different options. Our conferences are taking place daily, throughout the week… This would be a tremendous step in the right direction for you and help you learn freedom from this addiction. Not only will you learn the secret of the 12-Steps – which is known to be the world's most powerful program for beating addiction having helped millions world wide, but joining the group will be another way of GETTING OUT OF ISOLATION and connecting with others who are going through what you are.

Let me tell you a little about the two GuardYourEyes handbooks. They lay down the cornerstone and foundation of our work, and they make our network much more effective and helpful for people.

You see, until now, people would often get "lost" when coming to our website, not knowing what tips and techniques to try. For example, a beginner wouldn't jump straight into therapy or 12-Step groups, while on the other hand, someone whose addiction was more advanced wouldn't be helped by the standard tips of "making fences" putting in "filters" etc… So it was essential to develop a handbook which details all the techniques and tools to dealing with this addiction in progressive order. Now with these handbooks, anyone can read through and see what steps they've tried already, and if those steps haven't worked, they can continue on through the handbook where the steps become progressively more powerful and "addiction-oriented".

And the second handbook, called the "Attitude" handbook, can also help anyone, no matter what level of addiction they may have. Often people write in to us saying that had they only known the proper outlook & attitude that we try and share on the GuardYourEyes network when they were younger, they would have never fallen into an addiction in the first place! So we hope that through this handbook, many addictions will be prevented.

The handbooks are PDF files, set up as eBooks, and they have bookmarks and hyper-links in the Index, to make them easy to navigate.

Note: You might want to print them out to read away from the computer. Keep in mind though, that if you do this, you won't be able to click on the many web links in the articles. But you can always come back to them later. The truth is, it's anyway good to go through the whole handbook once without clicking on links, just to get an overview of all the tools available. Once you did that, you can start again from tool #1 and read each tool through more carefully, click the links and study each technique and assess whether you have tried it fully yet or not…

Right click on the links below and select "Save Link/Target As" to download the handbooks to your computer.

1) The GuardYourEyes Handbook

This Handbook details 18 suggested tools and techniques, in progressive order, beginning with the most basic and fundamental approaches to dealing with this addiction, and continuing down through increasingly earnest and powerful methods. For the first time, we can gauge our level of addiction and find the appropriate tools for our particular situation. And no matter what level our addiction may have advanced to, we will be able to find the right tools to break free in this handbook!

2) The GuardYourEyes Attitude

The Attitude Handbook details 30 basic principles to help us maintain the proper attitude and perspective on this struggle. Here are some examples: Understanding what we are up against, what it is that Hashem wants from us, how we can use this struggle for tremendous growth, how we can deal with bad thoughts, discovering how to redirect the power of our souls, understanding that every little bit counts, learning how to bounce back up after a fall, and so on and so forth…

May Hashem be with you!

Elazar ben Durdayah

Thanks for the welcome ben durdayah.  Since joining the site, I installed k9 and webchaver and gave the password to friends.  I also receive the daily chizuk emails and regularly read the gye site and forums to gain chizuk from other stories.  Additionally, I downloaded and read boths handbooks front to back, and plan to continue reading them.  This, joined with keeping myself busy, seems to be working for now.  If it's not enough, I will have to think about joining a group.  Oh, and writing on these forums helps tremendously as well.

And for my status: still clean bh 

Just a quick update:

I'm still clean bh and doing generally well.  I'm having some inner conflict with respect to seeing girls in the street and seeing couples.  It's very hard for me when I see a nice looking frum girl (I live in a frum Brooklyn community) in the street, or seeing a couple together.  It always lead me to be jealous of those already married.  Married folks can actually act out on taavas (bread in the basket), which kills me when I think about it because I'm still single and have no one to share that experience with.

One thing I firmly believe, and I know others will disagree with me, is that if I had a wife I would not be dealing with this problem (bread in the basket).  I have no escape valve for normal urges.  A regular, kosher, physical marital relationship would keep me happy.  The psychological battle is so difficult because I see that it's normal to get married, and I'm 28 in a chassidish community and not married.  Almost everyone around me has what I want, a marriage. 

I'm sorry this post is not necessarily so coherent but it's important for me to vent this stuff out.  I have so much to offer and the years are passing me by.  I don't want to be involved in shmutz anymore, and bh I'm 3 weeks clean since joining this site.  But please, someone tell me, how long can I maintain sanity while I'm single.  Without getting married, there's nothing I can do about any of these natural urges.  How long can Hashem expect me to control the natural urges he created me with? I'm not talking about fetishes and unnatural taavas, just normal intimacy.  It's amazing to me how clear it is that my internet habits are completely due to lonliness. 

Can one of the married guys chime in here: what is the challenge exactly after you're married (to the right person where you feel companionship)?  Doesn't your wife satisfy you?  What is it exactly that makes it difficult for married men to stay clean?  I'm not trying to lessen the challenge that married men face at all.  I've read the stories and realize it's difficult.  I'm just trying to understand because I always thought that once I get married I won't have these issues.  Understanding married men's challenge will help me have right perspective now, as a bochur.

Although I am happily married, I can very much identify with your difficult feelings of conflict at seeing even our frum women and couples in the street.

If you stick around here, you will learn that this is a reaction to 'triggers' in recovery shprach. It's not really he girls or women that you see that 'turn you on', as much as it's the wheels in your head that start spinning after what you've seen even in a passing glance.

However, what you say that "married folks can act out on taavos" -is not accurate, because if a married guy approaches intimacy as an outlet for his taavos -it's like drinking salt water; even about perfectly legitimate marital relationships the Gemara says "Mareevo Masbio, Masbio Maareevo". Besides which, Lo Sachmod Aishes Re'echa speaks to married folks just as to single folks.

Much more so,  the more we understand the nature of our problem, we will realize that it's not a matter of having an 'escape valve' for natural urges; that's just an excuse that the YH tries to use to convince us that it's impossible to go up against him. The truth is that for us it's impossible to go up against him -on our own -because "Ilmalei HaKaddosh Baruch Hu Ozro, Lo Yuchal Lo". On the other hand, if we bring Hashem into the picture with proper Annavah on our parts -"Haba LeTaher, Mesay'in Lo" and as we read in this weeks parasha -"Hashem Yilachem Lachem, V'atem Tacharishun". Over here on this site -you'll learn how. Some will call it "Recovery" and "Twelve Steps", others would like to say that they're "Doing Teshuvah" and "Getting Chizuk". The bottom line is, that whoever is sincere and willing to try his best, can regain his Kedusha on this holy site.

I really feel for you, and Be'emes -No Yiush -I know other people who had serious psychcological and psychiatric issues -in addition to P*** and M***** problems and are today happily married -even though at your age they still were looking for their shidduch. And I know other people who have no serious psychcological and psychiatric issues and thought that marriage would 'cure' their 'taavos' and they only got worse off.

Chazak VeEmatz, and KOT!!!

E. Ben Durdayah

Firstly, yasher koyach for trying to eradicate this problem before you get married.  I am sure many married guys wished they done the same.

I think every addictive guy on this site thought that marriage would eliminate the problem.  As you likely know already, that is not true.  Every married guy has the same challenges seeing women on the street and the screen.  To some unfortunately, all they see or wish is why can’t that woman on the street or screen be as good looking or skinny than their wife.  This leads to different expectations between the husband and wife in the bedroom causing conflict pressure, and an unsatisfied sexual relationship. 

Internet habits can be due not just because of loneliness, but stress, boredom, tension, and any “life” situation going on at the time.  There all tools to get rid of these habits and they are not exclusive to married folks.  Don’t think for a second that you’ve had a good three weeks so you should be good now.

I strongly suggest to stick around on this site and forum, and communicate with both the married and single guys as we try to battle this struggle together.
Hatzlacha!

I wasn't going to post here for fear of offending someone but since you are inviting comments....









The same exact one before I'm married.  I'm a lust addict and my addiction feeds on lust which I define as "the unnatural desire for that which I do not yet have". 




My wife can satisfy the healthy part of me that desires the ability to give to another person.  Unfortunately she can never satisfy my lust since by definition she is something I already have and lust desires that which I don't have.  Therein lies the never ending loop.  My lust wants A something I don't have.  I get Y.  My lust is not satisfied with Y because I have Y, so lust moves on to desire Z which I don't yet have.  On and on ad infinitum.



The same thing that makes staying clean difficult for singles - LUST!!!



It's good to get it straight now.  You are seriously mistaken.  Marriage will not help you overcome issues with depression, addiction or spiritual underdevelopment but will rather aggravate any issues you have with these areas.  The reason is quite simple in my situation (and I suffered from all three prior to my getting married).  These things are caused or are present to help us deal with stresses and difficulties in life.  Marriage and its challenges and responsibilities increase the need for our addictive coping mechanisms sending them into a total tail spin that can easily go out of control.

I realize that I may becoming across strongly but I have been in SA for over a year and have heard the stories of many addicts none of which included the part about marriage saving them from addiction.

Here is one thought that may be of help when you see that good looking couple across the street:  They may look good on the outside but you have no idea what is going on, on the inside.  They may be on the verge of divorce, hate each others guts, never have sex and are miserable.  It is very difficult to know what goes on behind closed doors.

Stick around, keep looking for help.  Your taking the first right step by talking about your issues, getting honest with what your thinking and feeling. Keep it up and you can get help.

Hatzlacha

Thank you so much for your responses Jooboy, Stuart, and ben durdayah. 

@ Jooboy: you are not coming on too strong at all.  I'm seeking the truth and and I need the blunt truth.  I now understand what the difficult challenge is, even after marriage.  I understand what you mean that a lust addict lusts after what it does not have.  It's hard for me to relate because I'm not married and I thought once I'm married, as long as I could have sex to relieve natural urges things would be fine.  It's something I must think about because I still believe that, but I also understand what you're saying and how the lust just looks for the frontier, the next taavah that one doesn't have.  I'll have to do some soul searching to see if it's true with me.  If it is, I have no problem admitting it.  I'm just not sure at this point.  But I I owe you a big thank for your comprehensive response. 

To all who commented on my prospects of leading a happy married life, thank you for the hope.  I really need it.  And I want all who comment on this thread to know that whatever success I attain in staying away from shmutz, you have a big part of it.  GYE and its member are so vital to me and my health.  The Jewish people, what a beautiful nation, such love and caring for one another! 

It looks like you've got the yesod pretty well! 

Here's another aspect of it - as I recently commented on another member's thread, marriage helps with the loneliness, except when it makes it worse.

What I mean is this: When we're lonely, there's usually a reason for it, some underlying issue(s). Aside from that, it also changes us. You worry if you're going to get married. You worry if you'll find someone great who will truly be interested in you.

But that neediness doesn't instantly disappear when you get married. And what we've found is that it becomes easier to take offense, easier to feel unloved, easier to feel unsatisfied by our relationship, and worst of all, it becomes difficult to be a real giver (even if you're good at giving), and it takes a lot of effort to move past these issues. The more you move past the Lust (translation - selfishness) now, the easier it is later on. Not easy, but easier.

This is my first major update:


B"h, with Hashem's help and the help of my friends here on the forum, I have not watched shmutz for 30 days now, which is when I joiined this site.  Unfortunately, I did mast** once 3 days after joining this site, so I guess I'm technically 27 days clean.  But that was just a small blip on a massively upward trending graph of awesome goodness.  30 days is not a big deal for me; I've done it before on my own, even without filters and this site, but it still wasn't easy.  I found that 3 things helped me the past 30 days:

1) accountability software. I have a filter also but cmon, I could find stuff out there if I want, and I did want at certain points in the past 30 days.  But that accountability software is the real deal, giving me a fear of what my partner will see in the report. 

2) Honesty: There were a few times where the y"h told me "cmon, just look at something that's not porn, just a pic of a hot girl that's sexy but still wearing clothes."  And I thought about it a little and thought, "Wait, you're telling me to watch porn, you just know that I won't watch porn right away so you're telling me to work my way up, that's how it always starts."  In other words, I was honest.  What is happening here? What's the objective of seeing hot girls with clothes on.  It's just to build it up till I see porn.  With honesty I was able to resist because I'm invested in this process and I write on the forum.  What's the point of investing and then trying to fool yourself by not being honest.

3) I prayed: Taking showers is dangerous for me.  Growing up, that was always a dangerous place for me.  I'm actually taking showers less often now (don't worry, I still take them often enough).  Yesterday, before I went to the shower, I heard the y"h in the back of my head telling me to self stimulate.  I took 15 seconds to daven to Hashem and tell him to please not test me and to please help me just through this shower.  BH, after the shower I'm clean, pun intended  .