I'm a bochur who's about to start shidduchim in a week and I can't stop acting out. After stopping even for a week I get a terrible urge to act out and I can't stop myself. How can I go out like this, no girl deserves such a boy.

When you say start shidduchim do you have a date lined up or are you getting out of the freezer. If its the latter then consider putting off dating until you have a couple of months of sobriety.

Either way welcome you've come to the right place. Time to get working. Hatzlacha

I already have a date lined up. And to tell you the truth that's the only reason why I'm trying to stop. I went on a date a few months ago and was able to stop for three weeks but after it fell through I fell hard for the last few months. I didn't want to go out again then specifically because I wanted to work on myself more, but that didn't exactly work out.

Maybe you should ask someone who's more qualified, but in my opinion, if you can't stop the date now, then go out and enjoy yourself, but keep on working on yourself, and try your hardest to get better with Hashem's help.
But also keep in mind that this does not make you a bad person. As Dov says all the time, whether you're a tzaddik or a rasha doesn't matter. That's Hashem's work. All you can do is your best. (I hope I didn't completely screw that up, Dov.) Whether you want to call them "mistakes" or "slips" or anything else, they are not WHO you are. They are just things you have to work on, so don't get down on yourself. That would be counterproductive. I once heard a tape from Rabbi Jonathan Rietti who said that the reason why sins are called "aveiros" is because they share the same root as the word "avar," meaning past. Once you do an aveirah, you can't think of yourself as a bad person. You have to think that it is something in the past and all you can do now is trying to work on yourself so you don't make the same mistake again. 

Dear NeedHelp,

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May Hashem be with you!

Yep, stopping so that I can date.  Been there done that.

Oh and my experience is that it doesn't work.  The addiction either explodes with fury after white-knuckling it for long enough or the underlying causes of the addiction demand other means of being addressed if we close of sexual acting out.  So we may stop acting out but start excessively drinking, drugging, eating, gambling, working etc.  Some times if my addiction wants its drug and I don't give in to it or any other substance I just explode in resentment, anger, fear or some other self-destructive emotion.

So far the only answer I have found is trying to recover from the underlying causes of the addiction with the 12 Steps and the fellowship of SA.  It has been working for me.

I agree. There was NOTHING in the world that was critical enough for me to stop acting on my impulses when it came to s*x. Dating, getting engaged, married, first kid, second, third. It required me to get completely broken to seek help and only then did I find SA and 12 steps of recovery. Today, married almost 11 years, I am proud of my recovery. What a blessing for you that you found this site and these people at this early stage. As far as the date, why not go out? A date is not a commitment to marriage its just what its name is...A Date. Can you find an SA meeting in your area? Do you have a therapist or Rabbi who can guide you?

NH5760. I'm in a similar situation, although I'm guessing I'm a bit younger than you. If you're stopping just to date and get married you're hopeless. It won't help. I don't know your situation exactly but I would suggest holding off shidduchim for a little bit of time and taking a crack at the addiction. If you would like to discuss more then keep on posting or you can hit me up by email or gchat if you have it. my email is maccabee5770@gmail.com. Looking forward to hearing from you soon. You came to the right place. Much hatzlocha!!!

-Mac

Hi NH5760

Have a look at the "The GYE Program in a Nut Shell" at http://www.guardyoureyes.org/?p=2507 to see exactly at what level of addiction you are.
Going to Live SA meetings is not recommended without advice from a rov or mentor.

I was wondering where this came from, if it is your own or has some source from an informed Rov?

I know Rabbanim that think SA is great (of course some of those are members themselves but others like Rabbi Abraham Twerski are not). 

If it is your own I was wondering why this is the advice you would give?

Dear Jooboy

I took it from The GYE Program in a Nut Shell.
I posted the link in my earlier post. (http://www.guardyoureyes.org/?p=2507)


thats what is says there:

3) “Optional” vs. “Essential”: Most of the tools that we suggest as “essential” for higher levels, will also help those on lower levels in letting go of lust. Generally speaking, lower level strugglers are invited to try higher level tools if they feel it would help them, or if it was recommended by someone with experience. Examples of such tools are: calling the GYE Hotline, joining the GYE forums and chat-rooms, working the 12-steps with a phone-conference-group (all mentioned in Levels 5-6 below). Going to live SA groups is not recommended for low level addicts and may prove harmful.

Live SA meetings are Tool #15 of the Handbook and is the last stop before medication etc. 
I dont think our dear Needhelp5760 is in such bad shape.

Tomid,

Thanks for posting the exact source.  I guess I can't really say I agree with the Handbook.  I would consider myself a low-level (albeit a very long term) addict and SA has been a life saver.

Certainly no offense is intended to yourself or the author of the Handbook but I don't really understand how SA could "prove harmful".  I do see some harm in that line of the Handbook however.  I see many on this forum who look at SA like chemotherapy, effective but with horrible side effects. 

I must admit that I have only been in SA for less than 2 years and am not an expert on SA or addiction but I see my story reflected in countless posts and it is hard to see people suffer so much when there is such effective help available, and no, I have found no horrible side effects.

Hatzlacha to all of us in finding our way back however it is God may lead us there!

I heard Rabbi Twerski say that live SA meetings are not recommended for someone who can effectively utilize lesser tools.  Reason: He compared it to a criminal being sent to prison and learning new ways to commit crimes.  Similarly, a person may be exposed to new ways of acting out by attending live SA meetings.  However, if lesser methods are ineffective, then live SA meetings are essential.

JB, what's your take on this?  Do you agree about the possibility of learning new ways to act out?

I would say that probably not but it's possible. One of the rules of SA is that if someone finds something which is being said triggering he should make that known either by saying something or raising his hand so that the one sharing will become less graphic. In addition, if I'm not in recovery or in the mode of recovery I would figure those ways out myself. Trust me. Normal people would look at the things we do and be completely shocked that we've gone as far as we have. I honestly think that left to our own devices we would all reach more or less the same place. The internet has enough ideas. I don't think going to a live SA meeting would be more harmful than going on the internet. If you have a mindset for recovery I don't think (maybe I'm wrong) that it would affect you, and if you're not in the recovery mindset you have other work to do.

But I would definitely recommend trying out the phone conferences like Dov's or Duvid Chaim's first. See what happens from there. I have a feeling that the ones who are against going to live meetings don't really have much to do with phone groups either. But again I'm probably wrong. If anyone wants to correct me that is appreciated.

-Mac

It is possible.  Of course every time you go on the internet and look at pictures of people having sex you can also learn new things.  I don't believe that I have ever heard of someone doing something that I hadn't already watched on a video at least 50 times.

This assumes that most people here are at the very least watching pornography on the internet.  If there are people here that are just looking at the Macy's circulars then yeah, they might learn some new stuff at a meeting.

Now this is not to say that I can't get triggered at a meeting.  It happens probably once a month.  But then again the program gives me tools on how to handle that.  Without the meetings I would be triggered about 20 times a day and have no idea what to do with it.

Generally when I hear people talk about acting out in ways that I have not it is with great amounts of pain in their voice, so while my mind may say "Hey! I've never done that before." at the same time I am getting the message that "Thank God I have never done that before".

I think in the end it comes down to how badly someone wants recovery.  If they want to want to be better, meetings won't help.  If they really truly seriously are desperate to get better - meetings are the place to be. 

The big book itself says that the program only works as part of a group, we can not do it on our own.