Hello everybody,


Its been a long path but BH I've finally made it here.  Shvach LaHashem and to my wife for getting me to this point.  I'll start with honesty (since I have been living le'hapch from it for so long): I entered the forum for the first time to get an answer to a question.  But, after reading the beautiful ways in which people respect, answer and give chizuk to each other I decided to post in the introduce yourself forum first. 
My story:(we've all got one )
I've been acting out and looking at inappropriate images since the age of 12-13.  Reflecting back I'm shocked at how adept I was at hurting myself at such a young age without even realizing what I was doing (vehamaivin yavin)...
The internet and its poison filled my heart and mind with a computer in my room at a very young age...
I went to EY, found HKBH in a very deep and meaningful way and by the time that I entered my second year there I had finally overcome my YH with the help of a lot of mussar, talmud torah, giving chizuk/time to younger guys, the recognition that I am way too good to be doing this and primarily a ton of SYD.  I went back home, thought I was invincible at the "wise age" of 18 and after about 6 months I fell and got into a terrible rut from the guilt and the addiction.  I went through cycles of cleanliness for around 8 yrs but was unable to break free bc I always had unrestricted internet at my disposal (ma yaaseh haben vlo yechta)...I reasoned once I was married I would no longer be under my parents roof and would immediately put a filter on all computers that ever entered my home.
I was known as one of the top guys in the Beis Medrash and once the time to find a shidduch came around I was quickly known as one of the top guys on the market.  I knew that everybody else's assessment of me was nothing short of the product of my deception and their view of me when I was clean and it bothered me but I still could not break free.
I got married BH to a beautiful, wonderful, supportive wife that I am certain I did not deserve but ...chasdei hashem lo tamnu.  I struggled heavily in the early parts of our marriage...I did not filter every computer in my home....I was out of yeshiva for the first time since I was mekabel on myself ol mitzvos in high pressure graduate school...it took me quite a while to filter my own computer and after some cheshbon hanefesh and SYD I finally filtered my computer...but leaving my wife's computer unfiltered (lying to myself :she may get suspicious and I would NEVER use her computer that has a picture from our wedding day as the background to look at znus)...well my NEVER quickly turned into OFTEN and I often found myself using her computer to act out....I felt like a zombie, detached from my former very religious self, a hypocrite, etc and BH after a productive up I asked her to filter her computer as well....she didn't catch on and I thought I was in the clear...bechasdei Hashem I had a very productive Elul, RH AYT YK and BH all was going really well...until one day my wife confronted me that she found shmutz on her computer and asked me to explain...BH I was modeh to everything and explained that I was on the path of recovery and that the shmutz was old.  Echoing many other's experiences: I remember very clearly that day asking HKBH to help me make this not just another up but my tshuvah shlaimah lefanav (interestingly enough I read in Tzidkas HaTzadik last night that HKBH will sometimes put in your heart to daven for something in order that he can grant it to you which is the meaning of the famous gemorah in Brachos about tefilah shegurah).  I went to see my Rosh Yeshiva (upon prompting from my wife) and we spoke for a little while about my past issues and he told me that he wants to be my support if Chas Veshalom I ever fall and he wants me to periodically check in to tell him how I'm doing.
I have been reading the handbook nearly every day and been reading daily chizuk emails daily.  I am extremely grateful to GUE and recognize that I almost certainly would not be where I am today without it.
I am at day 36 or 37 (and had it not been for my last fall I would prob be at about 60 or more..the one that my wife found out about...so I guess that was one of those times that retrospectively I can easily say BH I did fall the way that Rav Tzadok talks about...)
I am involved in a very high stress school program and recognize that my lack of limud hatorah (I seriously struggle to be kovaiya itim for 1-2 hrs a day) combined with the actual stress itself combine to be major triggers but realize there is much more deep down that I need to work through....
I am going through a serious exhaustion phase that I do not ever remember going through (and definitely did not experience in the beginning of this cycle) was wondering if that was normal..my impression was that withdrawal was usually felt when you are first separating yourself from your addiction but here I feel BH as if I need to constantly need to remind myself that I was addicted bc BH I have been feeling so good (my assumption why I have bli ayin hara not really had any YH to act out is bc there is not really any chalos/outlet for my yetzer bc BH to my knowledge there is no way for me to access the shmutz that I was so involved in for so long).  I need to nap nearly every day for at least 1.5 hrs for the past 1-2 weeks, and feel a detached feeling from myself that I used to associate with when I was acting out.  I have been more easily angered lately as well, which is another reason why I suspect it may be withdrawal, but I understand that I have been living so deeply entrenched in my gayva/anochius (self-centered reality) that its only natural that I am uncovering ugly middos that I was not aware existed in me, especially kaas since it is so closely tied with gayva.  I have done very little work for the past few weeks and am starting to feel the pressure of the work building up that I have been unable to do for so long due to my exhaustion.  Has anyone had similar experiences? Any advice for how to feel more awake and alive/less exhausted?
Thanks!

not much to say, cuz im pretty inexperienced myself, just...WELCOME  ;D

Thanks! just a few warm words go a really long way in this journey....

Welcome aboard holy tzaddik

Keep on trucking!!
Bardichev

Hello welcome to the elite club.

We can't believe we are doing it either, but there wouldn't be anything left to believe if we'd still be doing what we were doing before!

Hatzlocha, reb yid and may Hashem help you find all the help you really need.

Dear BairachBakol,

Welcome to our community! Once you've arrived, there's no turning back. Everyone here will just grab a hold of you and pull you up, up, up!

Scientific studies have shown that it takes 90 days to change a neural thought pattern that was ingrained in the brain through addictive behaviors. Did you join the 90 day chart on-line? Sign up over here.

Make sure to install a strong filter. It will be almost impossible to break free of this while having all the garbage within a mouse click away. See this page for one good filter option, along with instructions on how to install it best – and give away the password to our "filter Gabai"… See this page for another 20 (or so) filter ideas and information…

We get cries for help every day, by e-mail and on the forum. Tzuras Rabim Chatzi Nechama    And that is why we created the GYE handbooks (links below). If you read them well, from beginning to end, slowly, and try to implement what you read, you will find the answers within them to enable you to completely turn your life around. You're worth it.

Also, join the daily Chizuk e-mail lists to get fresh chizuk every day, and post away on this forum. You will get tons of daily Chizuk and support. This disease can't be beat alone. It works best when you get out of isolation!

GuardYourEyes also offers various free anonymous phone conferences, where you can join a group of other frum Yidden, along with an experienced sponsor. See this page for four different options. Our conferences are taking place daily, throughout the week… This would be a tremendous step in the right direction for you and help you learn freedom from this addiction. Not only will you learn the secret of the 12-Steps – which is known to be the world's most powerful program for beating addiction having helped millions world wide, but joining the group will be another way of GETTING OUT OF ISOLATION and connecting with others who are going through what you are.

Let me tell you a little about the two GuardYourEyes handbooks. They lay down the cornerstone and foundation of our work, and they make our network much more effective and helpful for people.

You see, until now, people would often get "lost" when coming to our website, not knowing what tips and techniques to try. For example, a beginner wouldn't jump straight into therapy or 12-Step groups, while on the other hand, someone whose addiction was more advanced wouldn't be helped by the standard tips of "making fences" putting in "filters" etc… So it was essential to develop a handbook which details all the techniques and tools to dealing with this addiction in progressive order. Now with these handbooks, anyone can read through and see what steps they've tried already, and if those steps haven't worked, they can continue on through the handbook where the steps become progressively more powerful and "addiction-oriented".

And the second handbook, called the "Attitude" handbook, can also help anyone, no matter what level of addiction they may have. Often people write in to us saying that had they only known the proper outlook & attitude that we try and share on the GuardYourEyes network when they were younger, they would have never fallen into an addiction in the first place! So we hope that through this handbook, many addictions will be prevented.

The handbooks are PDF files, set up as eBooks, and they have bookmarks and hyper-links in the Index, to make them easy to navigate.

Note: You might want to print them out to read away from the computer. Keep in mind though, that if you do this, you won't be able to click on the many web links in the articles. But you can always come back to them later. The truth is, it's anyway good to go through the whole handbook once without clicking on links, just to get an overview of all the tools available. Once you did that, you can start again from tool #1 and read each tool through more carefully, click the links and study each technique and assess whether you have tried it fully yet or not…

Right click on the links below and select "Save Link/Target As" to download the handbooks to your computer.

1) The GuardYourEyes Handbook

This Handbook details 18 suggested tools and techniques, in progressive order, beginning with the most basic and fundamental approaches to dealing with this addiction, and continuing down through increasingly earnest and powerful methods. For the first time, we can gauge our level of addiction and find the appropriate tools for our particular situation. And no matter what level our addiction may have advanced to, we will be able to find the right tools to break free in this handbook!

2) The GuardYourEyes Attitude

The Attitude Handbook details 30 basic principles to help us maintain the proper attitude and perspective on this struggle. Here are some examples: Understanding what we are up against, what it is that Hashem wants from us, how we can use this struggle for tremendous growth, how we can deal with bad thoughts, discovering how to redirect the power of our souls, understanding that every little bit counts, learning how to bounce back up after a fall, and so on and so forth…

May Hashem be with you!

Recognizing and uncovering your ugly middos is a great first step.  This is something that took years for me and other to even be aware of.

Regarding your specific question, have you considered cronic fatigue syndrome or any other medical related issues?  The other feelings you described seem to be normal and not unusual, however I never heard of the fatigue one.  It takes work and time to get out of this rut, and it doesn't just come after 36 days. 

Stay with us and you will get the help you need, b'ezras Hashem.

Wow, amazing story with your wife!

These are typical withdrawal systems... Write to yidvre@gmail.com for advice.

BairachBakol wrote on 09 Dec 2010 00:19:


Welcome BB.  We all have a story and unfortunately they are all very similar.  But if you are here, then like everyone else here, you have the good fortune to be working on a good ending to your story.  One thing I wanted to point it and a key to long term success.  For those of us in this position, there is no "was addicted."  Even if we are clean now, we are still addicted.  We may have discovered ways to manage that addiction, but we are still addicts.  Don't let your guard down for a minute and think that because I was 36 days, 90 days or 360 days, the addiction was a thing of the past and beyond me.  Boruch Hashem you have the support of a wonderful wife and your Rosh Hayeshiva.  It will make the journey way easier.  Much hatzlacha.

My L'chaim glass is ready for the Big day tomorrow!

Meet us in Bardichev's pub.    He will be very happy to host your Celebration!

90!!!