I feel like a huge failure. In Hashem's eyes, my family's eyes, and my own eyes.

Here I am in my mid 20's with BH 2 beautiful children and a wonderful wife, and yet I have an addiction I can't get rid of.

Over the summer I started going to "massage places" where its obviously more than a massage. I never actually had biyah with anyone. I never did it with anyone but my wife.

I have sunk so low. I try fighting it every day. I feel like I have taken precautionary measures, yet it always comes back stronger. Almost seems like the more I fight it, the more I give in.

I know that GYE promotes reading the handbooks and calling in to the phone lines. Unfortunately, my schedule is so crazy that I am unable to call in consistently to the same phone line once a week.  I read through some of the handbook after my first few falls. It inspired me, but the feelings of inspiration didn't really last.  From looking at the forums I see that people seem to have success with the 12 steps. Yet, (no offense to everyone) I skimmed through them quickly, and I feel like just following what it says won't really help.

The truth is I even got a sponsor from GYE. I haven't been in touch with him for months. I get the feeling that the most he ever did was motzei zera and I feel in order to be helped I need someone who went through what I am going through. I need someone to call on when I am in a moment of weakness.

I'm sick and I know it. I know that it is within me to change. In the past, I was able to be extremely strong with regards to shmiras einayim and being motzei zera.
I am embarrassed and ashamed because I never thought it would go this far. What began as looking at porn in my teenage years has spiraled out of control.

I am asking for help and guidance FROM SOMEONE WHO HAD THE SAME SPECIFIC ISSUE AS ME. Its one thing to be motzei zera. Its a complete other thing to be married with children going to these massage places. I have no excuse. My wife truly gives me all that I need. I do it for complete selfish reasons. And I am addicted.

I am desperate to change. Tell me what to do and I will do it. You can private message me.

Please. I need help.

Dear sweet yid,

I will PM you, as I can relate completely to what you have shared here. You are not alone, by any stretch of the imagination, and there is plenty of hope for you - as long as you get help and do not stop getting the help you need.

Love,

Dov

If you read my thread, you'll see that my struggles were at least somewhat similar to yours. I'll send you a PM, but I'd also like to share some personal experience with you: addiction is addiction, and recovery is recovery. Even though many of the people here weren't doing the same actions i was, they were still facing the same basic struggle that I was, and most of the issues involved were the same. So please take advantage of the support offered by the community here.