I'm going through a particularly difficult time at the moment. Am I proud to say that I did once make it to day 90 on the charts so I know I have that koach within me, but at the moment it's so hard to see it. I've had fall after fall over the last week or so, still trying to pick myself up. Maybe things will pick up when my wife is Tahor again? I hope so.

I've been reading the GYE handbook, I have monitors and filters installed on my computers, but I manage to keep trying to circumvent. I once read on the forums that it's rare for someone to reach 90, fall, and then reach 90 again. I found that very discouraging and I'm determined to prove that wrong.

I know that all the filters are not going to solve the problem - it's an addiction and I need to take the steps that have been proven to help with addiction. It's funny because when I first began receiving the GYE chizuk emails I would read them and think - wow, BH I'm not as bad off as them. I don't have an addiction. Little did I know that I wasn't being honest with myself and indeed I did have one. Maybe it's not as progressed as some of the stories I read about on this site, but it's an addiction - something I keep coming back to, slips lead almost inevitably to falls, and the regular paths of Teshuva don't seem to work. My only hope is that HKB"H will help me through this. The words of R' Noach ring in my ears "Does the Almighty want you to succeed? You bet. If He helped you out do you think you could do it? You bet. So what are you waiting for!?"

Gosh - you can see my mind is filled with lots of Chizuk, as I'm sure many of you can relate to, but I if only it would help all the time. OY - this is a Shvereh Nisayon and I'm comforted in the fact that my victories in this area must earn double points.

Yashuv-VYashuv wrote on 11 Nov 2010 22:53:


I did it & so can you!

Yashuv-VYashuv wrote on 11 Nov 2010 22:53:


Yashuv, welcome.  Have you tried the 12-Steps.  They have been proven to work for countless numbers of people and I am sure they can help you as well.  Hatzlacha 

Thanks YH for the encouragement. I really believe you. I guess I'm just in a down mood. Maybe once I get a clean week or so I'll be back on track.

Thanks ur-a-jew, I'm currently reading Twerski's Snoopy book on the 12 steps (don't laugh). I hope to work through them, but as of now I can't imagine going to any meetings or anything.

Soon after I joined GYE I embarked on a 113 day streak. When I restarted  :-[ I couldn't get past a week or 10 days for a loooong time. Joining the 12 Step Group Call & actually meeting some of the chevra face-to-face when Duvid Chaim came to New York was the impetus for my current 111 days, boruch hashem!

Yashuv-VYashuv wrote on 11 Nov 2010 23:00:


Well you can start with one of the phone meetings.  The point is that if you want it to work -- which I am sure you do -- you need to go through it with someone else.

I've reached 90, fell, and reached 90 again numerous times, although it was before my GYE days.

It needs to be shouted from the rooftops (figuratively) lately.
There were many times in my life I felt "its a lost cause" and nothing can be done - this is impossible.

B"H that was years ago (actually exactly two years to the day, if we subtract for the fact I am across the date-line and ahead a day years is a slight exaggeration).

It takes more than will-power, self control or whatever. It takes a change in attitude and approach to life.

Hatzlacha 

Yosef Hatzadik wrote on 11 Nov 2010 22:55:


Eye did it too  ;D

Maybe it's not rare for someone to make 90, crash, and make 90 again.

To make 90, you've really got to do a lot of internal changes.

By the time you've gotten that far, and reached it again, you just don't make such a big deal of it anymore.

You're more impressed by the everyday improvements in life.  There's MUCH more to it than just staying clean, white-knuckling it, or green-thumbing it.  (FYI, I understand the expression "green-thumb" as much as I understand the expression "white-knuckling."  Next someone will be talking about green knuckles and white thumbs, and not sitting on their laurals because I don't know what they are, either except that it sounds painful, perhaps).

--Eye.

"I can't imagine going to any meetings or anything."

Well, what can you imaging doing? I can imagine myself looking at more porn and getting into more trouble. So I go to meetings.

Maybe the phone meetings are a good way to start, as others have suggested. Nobody bites here (except for me sometimes, and then only if I am hungry). You are safe, sweet yid. People here really love you, just because you are like them and actually are sick of the garbage. That is a virtue, you know.

Hatzlocha!

dov wrote on 12 Nov 2010 16:18:


Thanks Dov - I appreciate your frankness and your love. I will consider listening in on some 12 step conferences.

Would anyone know if the conference is run through a service that you connect to with Skype? I know some do and it makes it super convenient.

Thanks,

dov wrote on 12 Nov 2010 16:18:

Dov, if you're that hungry go to Kedusha, he will open the Bakery for you no matter what time of day it is.

Ha!

Hey, get back to work! (i'm off today) Pfffftfttt.