Dear Chevra,

I feel it's overdue for me to return to the forum after a long period of absence. For a recap, I am a 25 year old college student struggling with viewing internet porn and, quite recently, relations with a non-Jewish ex-girlfriend from before I was frum. B''H I have been able to cut off contact with said woman, which is something I tried hard to do for months and fell often, leading to actual relations with her. I now haven't seen her in a couple months, and have not responded to a few of her attempts to contact me. Also, B''H due to a new living situation and WebChaver on my laptop (which is REALLY effective and worth the negligible $3.95 per month), I have stayed away from internet porn...mostly. I also haven't masturbated in about 3 months.

So I've seen some success in this area lately.

The fact that I haven't been lusting when I walk around, or when I'm going to sleep, is not the result of doing the steps (I haven't), or studying Mussar (I haven't) or battling the Yetzer Hara head on (I haven't) or any of the other methods advised by this site. In fact, I've dropped off on a lot of mitzvos I used to do when I was struggling a lot more with the addiction. My relationship with Hashem has suffered, and when I do happen to be in shul and everyone else is davening, I can't bring myself to do it because it feels so disingenuous. I can't face Hashem, and somehow I think He won't notice me if I don't speak to Him, which is what I want because if He does notice me, He'll Judge me, and that would be embarrassing. And anyway, the voice in my head says, "You haven't davened all week, and now you find yourself in shul and you think you can suddenly start muttering words that you don't mean and Hashem will appreciate that?"

I've found my problems in the area of sexual addiction have come and gone in cycles. But since I know there are no shortcuts, it's pretty logical to assume that since I haven't done any work on this front, the addiction will resurface in a matter of time...But I'm not sure how to fight this addiction pre-emptively when I'm not actively experiencing it.

When I do occasionally have a problem, such as on Motzei Shabbos when I have free time and feel drawn to do something exciting. I don't even feel compelled by lust, more just for the desire for something fun that will give me a rush. Since I slept through Shabbos (more or less) I'll be up late and it's going to be tough to stay away tonight...

I also want to start posting again on the forum, especially on other people's threads. Since I'm pretty alone in my current matzav, this place is kind of a lifeline for me, and dropping off is usually pure yetzer hara. It already feels good to get connected again.

Welcome back arye, its inspiring to hear that u did so much "sir mira" dropped ur old bad habits , now its time to tie it up, do the good work to keep it for good and for that u will need friends to help u sort that through, even u don't feel constant lust u can still work the program cuz the program is not just for lust. It is for all this things that trigger the lust, and that's isolation, resentment, selfishness, fears, depression, loneliness, so u r a candidate for the work. Don't feel so disconnected to talk to hashem for missing a. Week of shul or even a month, every time u come to shul and u open ur mouth to talk to hashem, he's all ears and he is happy to hear ur voice, don't worry about him judging u now, there is nothing u can do now about it, u will worry about that l8r, 1st u need to connect to him, cuz I see that u lost it over the last few months and he is anxious to see u back in his army, my advice is, just stick around and plz share with us what's going on, we are all rooting away for u,
Hashem will send some light ur way soon, just hang in with us

Thanks jip

I often get very anxious about what people will think when I post, or that they will ignore me, or that I'm posting for the wrong reasons. But I figure the way to get over that is...post more.

Also, your response made me realize that my philosophy about being frum is not really accurate. I'm set to go to Yeshiva at the end of December, (I'm a Baal Teshuva), and even though I took on a bunch of mitzvos and did them for about a year, due to lack of knowledge of Torah and not many resources in my area, my "frum muscles" atrophied and I've basically been just telling myself that I'll put my relationship with Hashem on hold until I'm in Yeshiva.

But, having spelled that out, it's obvious that that idea is total garbage! I can't put Hashem "on hold". What am I doing? I think I'm going to get to Shacharis tomorrow, bli neder.

Hello i say just start noticing all the things hashem does for you. For free even when you havent thought about him. Dont do him favors. Start to bring him in to your life by thinking about him.
Good luck hatzlacha raba

Arye, don't give a flying hoot on what other people may think about u (and remember they may not even think about u that way its just an assumption u made when ur brain worked over time:)) u just do what's best for ur recovery, and try to be close to hashem he has no rules as how close u must be b4 iu can come into shul, every good deed counts, just speed ahead and things will start to shine soon
Good week

Hi AryehTahor,
your name is interesting, and has a nice sound to it. welcome back and i hope this time you will sign a few years' lease with GYE. i trust the rent won't go up.
to echo what JIP and FFTS said, if you feel down and worthless about your past, try to make an honest reckoning where those feelings are coming from. they do not motivate you, only discourage you. they are poison. depression. keep away. and it is not just for your psychological health. it happens to be true. you are precious and holy and have a clean and pure soul. might have gotten a little dusty and battered but the essence is sparkling. if you keep yourself busy with good things, torah tefila chesed shabbos etc., GYE, you will give your soul a spiritual tune-up and you will go from 0 to 60 and be"h start cruising. and if you hit a few bumps and a flat tire or two, nu nu. that is the way of the world. but your focus and goal is the good - connecting to Hashem. and He is waiting for you to connect to Him.
stay here, post, on your thread and others.
wishing you the best
zs

Posting here and getting these responses was a real boost to me. I went to a shiur and Shacharis this morning, and I feel pretty optimistic. I have a lot of stuff to work out and a long journey ahead. I'm currently deep into addiction to various physical things including eating way too much and junky food compulsively, smoking half a pack a day, and of course, SA. But I'm sort of excited in way to put these things right, to travel that journey of self-improvement and really appreciate what I accomplish rather than never having the problems. For the next few months, I'm going to be totally focused on graduating from college and avoiding internet porn, and after that, I'm going to tackle smoking, and then after that, try to eat more healthy and lose weight. I just need to not get thrown off too much by the ups and downs, which I haven't responded to well in the past. It all comes down to Keep On Trucking I guess. Those words are so wise.

Gr8 post reb arye, u made some good decisions just remember 1 day at a time is what does the trick, hang in with us and remember hashem is on ur side, and so are we

Yep, KOT are words to live by. And often, if we can do that for just a little while, we can get through a rough patch, and it feels so good to see how much we've grown afterward!
aryehtahor wrote on 07 Nov 2010 03:47:


I think you just hit on a major point - one of the fantastic things about being in touch with people - on the forum, by phone, in real life - is that we get to hear our own silly thoughts, and it makes it easier to realize just how silly they are.

I was able to stay clean over the weekend which was tough. But I didn't really get a "high" from that. Last night, I ended up spending a lot of time on my bed staring at the ceiling, feeling too bored/restless/whatever to do anything. Now I've gotta really work hard to get all my work done. I've lost a lot of confidence over the past few days and when that happens, I get really confused and doubt myself at every turn, particularly when it comes to my general outlook on things as a Jew who believes in Torah, which flies in the face of everything I encounter every day in college. I hope yeshiva will help me become more solid and constant.

The upshot is, I've got a lot of stuff I need to do, and I'm less likely to act out when I'm busy.

aryehtahor wrote on 08 Nov 2010 23:43:

GREAT!!!!!!!!!!

or as we say in Yiddish: GEVALDIGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!




aryehtahor wrote on 08 Nov 2010 23:43:

We gotta do our work - the 'high' is not what it depends on.      And if we recognize that we are incapable of staying clean by ourselves! If we are clean, it is because Hashem, in His good graces, helped us stay clean, then we didn't do much that we should expect a 'high'.


aryehtahor wrote on 08 Nov 2010 23:43:


We know that it will. Hashem looks out for those who look in to Him!

You are doing great!
Please believe in yourself!!!
You know better than all the colleges!

Just keep on trucking, bro.

Aryeh, holy Aryeh... Forget the davening in shul / not davening / guilt / hypocrisy, etc.. these are all killers... The Yezter Hara wants us to beleive we are too far gone, hypocrites, he makes us feel guilty always, etc... This is all BS. We need to learn how:

    * To speak with Hashem as if he was a friend right here with us in the room...
    * To realize Hashem loves us even when we make bad mistakes.
    * To internalize that He only has our very best interest in mind at all times, no matter how bad things seem to be.
    * To live with constant gratitude, even for the little things...
    * To internalize how much Hashem values a real relationship with us... (so much so, that when we are distant, He sometimes causes us suffering and pain just to get our attention... It therefore follows, that if we live with constant gratitude and awareness of Hashem's closeness and love, we will save ourselves much pain down the line, because He won't need to get us to come "running to Him" just when things are bad...)

These things are the FOUNDATION of recovery.

Thank you guard for that yodosdika post.