my dear buddy Sturgle suggested that i start my own thread. so just in case someone is interested here is some of my story:
Start Date:2010-05-03
Short story: I am a very frum B.T. married to a FFB for over 20 (Bli Eyan Haroh) Have gone through different tekufos of lusting. Last time was using telephone.Recently given Internet with limited blocks to use for my job. The curious became an addiction rapidly. I have been going to 12 step prog for another compulsive prob. so I have a sense of the features of addiction. Wife was getting suspicious when I was staying late at work with out an explantion short of "fell asleep in front of the computer" Baruch Hashem I found this site on Monday Apr 26th when doing a Google Search with filters on "safe" settings. Came accross the letter from Rav Aaron Feldman and ended up B"H on the site. Tues Apr 26 was day one with out looking at on-line pictures. Told my therapist who is an addiction specialist about the prob and mentioned the web-site which he strongly encourage me to participate in DuvidChamim's chevra. I have been on the call most of the days since that time. Started to do some 4th step writing. Had a slight fall due to some hirhurim and touching during a bath on Sunday night May 2. The images were still pretty fresh and ended up being m's'z'l. Started counting again on Monday May 3.Spent a lot of time on the married men's forum on Friday,May 7th looking for chizuk and trying to help other guys.

more history
after joining this site and participating in the DC lunchime meetings,i had about 49 days of sobriety,then fell.
was in relapse for a few weeks,the reached out to someone from GYE to be my sponsor. he promptly agreed. he shared with me his involvement with SA and i  ran over to the next meeting and committed to one day of sobriety for which i was given a coin.
i continued going to meetings and checking in with my sponsor for the next 90 days approx) the last week or so prior to day 90 i was searching and reading some stuff on-line for their errotic nature. i was also "touching myself" for pleasure but stopping prior to ej*

was predicted by the folk i was sharing with,my half-measuring ended up in a full fall on Sunday afternoon oct 17,2010. Possible trigger was boredom.
Monday ,Oct 18, morning went on-line to a forum for bi-guys. Although this mad me late,i did attend a SA meeting at luch time and shared that,i am resetting my sobriety with following  new bottom lines:
1) no touching the "eyver" for pleasure even without  be motei zerah
2) no intentionally reading or looking at errotic material


Athough ,that meeting i made a committment to one day of sobriety,when i came  back to the office,I continued my visit to  the shmutzige  forum reading posts. Then I made up user name and logged in the site to see more. Finally,after reading for a few hours,started searching for pictures (ssa) then shut off the safe settings. Ended off with an overwhelming urge to m* which i promptly gave in to. i guess i forgot how disgusting it feels afterwards maybe feeling a bit isolated and bored. deep down,i guess i was thinking that since i fell,i wanted to have some "fun" especially since i was started over.  What can i say? maybe i was feeling the need for a break.
Needless to say i avoided reaching out to anyone. B.H. today was o.k. I could not go to the meeting b/c i had to be in the Bronx for a work-related event. Still reading from the B.B.
What did i learn?
I am slowly learning that i have a disease,and keep fogetting that i need to take precautions not to fall in.
i do not have to give in to every crazy idea which the Y.H. puts in my mind and also,i am powerless over lust!!!

Yedidya - what fearless honesty!

Chazak v'Ematz!

Keep up the hard work

Thanks Frumfiend The star & Kedusha for your kind words of encouragement.
B.H. bli eyan hara, doing much better now. Went to 2 meetings yesterday and one today.
Last night the topic was isolation. i shared that on Monday when i felt an overwhelming urge to act out and proceeded to do so,i avoided reaching out for help because,i just wanted to act out. i did stop for a minute to check my E-mail ,but there were no new messages. that only intensified the lonely feelings and those of self-pity,which is fuel for acting out!. (but we all know that as addicts we have a million excuses for our behaviors)

Yedidya-

Keep up the good work. It's no easy fight- however, always remember it was hand picked by hashem for you because YOU CAN DO IT!

Join us on the calls more often if timing allows you. We love to hear from you. If timing doesn't allow it - do it anyway

Ask hashem for help and he will hold your hand.

Looking Forward,
David

thanks for checking in. i have to juggle btwn work,home & SA meetings.
Wife still does not know,just thinks i am working late.
i usually go to lunch time SA meetings,so it is hard to stay on the DC call. Also,have no privacy in my office,so it is hard to talk on the phone.  not much of a morning person,so 8:30 does not seem to be an option.
Have tried evening meetings, but that means coming home late.
Last night,i wanted to go to a meeting on the way home,but i could hear my wife's annoyance that i was not yet home.

Wow- Kol hackovod.

Are you working the steps? or just going to meetings? Getting out of isolation is good but that on it's own may not do it.

The great thing about the calls is - it's working the program. How about calling in and staying on mute? Is that a option?

I hope you have a peaceful and beautiful Shabbos.

David.

YA, first of all u r very brave for coming out so loud and clear with ur issues, that's already part of getting out of isolation, I know exactly the feeling about wanting to do good things such as SA meetings , which will benefit ur wife so much but at the same time u can't tell her about it which makes it hard to juggle, b"h I'm mostly able to make it to the DC call, which helps a lot, so try to attend ur live meetings if that helps & maybe 1 day soon we will have Reb David leading a call during the day a time when more guys can join
Isn't that what u want David, to be a giver
Gut shabbos

thanks again guys for your words of encouragement. B.H. doing much better now since i reset my sobriety.

great!

do not forget that these things don't go away even after a long (or short) period of sobriety, we need to constantly be on guard

keep on working, your honesty and efforts are impressive

thanks. btw made a special effort this past Shabbos to sign zmiros!

that's great!

i have read here on GYE that there is a segula to banish improper thoughts by singing the zemiros of shabbos, even during the week, i think it is said in the name of Rav Aron Roth the baal shomer emunim

it is also a great way to enjoy shabbos and you are guaranteed not to gain weight in the process

thanks for the eitza. Even if i do sing zemiros,i manage to "stuff myself". btw i want to share with the chevra someting which i shared at an SA meeting today.
B.H. I was able to come early  to the meeting today and listened to the reading. It was actually a very big to'eles for me to hear this reading. (hashgocho pratis)  The story being read from one of the SA books was about someone who was struggling with compulsive overeating in addition to lust. Most folks have difficulty understanding how that a little extra food was such a big deal.
i shared my history re: binge eating and suggested  that the 12th step "practicing these principles in all of our affairs actually obligates us to "do the next right thing" in all areas including how we relate to food. i said it is a choice between do my will or G-d's will in everything. (So how is it that i am in relapse with  binge eating. the answer is i function most of the time on auto pilot,not giving a momemts thought to reflect on the fact that i really do have a choice)
So for me true, sobriety should also involve my estabishing a healthy relationship with food as well as lust.

Wow.  thanks.  I've definitely turned more to food since starting GYE.  You put it really well--"in all our affairs".

hatzlocho

hayom yom rishon (last night after logging off from GYE) i fell flat on my face. (p*& m*) didn't call anyone. Was feeling full of ga'avoh from being Mr 12 step know it all !
heres to a little ahnavah.