Hello all

Before I start let me say that this website is an oasis in a desolate plain. For all of us here we are fighting a battle that is fierce but at the same time hidden, quiet, by subterfuge. It is the Yetzer Hara at his most wily and manipulative evil self. Who can we talk to? I cant share my struggle with my wife, friends, rabbi, or anyone else I know - they would think I am crazy, mentally ill. Even if there is some truth in that considering the extent of my debilitating addiction, the reaction and stigma of others would only destroy my life rather than help me to recover.

I am about to take a very difficult step after reading a post on this site about closing a Facebook account. Part of my pornographic addiction is Facebook. I have several accounts on which I have added hundreds and hundreds of women I do not know as friends, even some I have briefly met and added in order to see if they have some immodest pictures they have posted up from their personal lives that can reveal what my sordid imagination previously could only guess at. These are people who live immodest and sometimes downright immoral lives and put it all up on Facebook in pictures and videos. You can put the rest of the pieces together yourself..

Even writing this now I do not know if after posting this message I will have the strength to close these accounts. They are a strong source of nourishment for my addiction and as I type it even feels like they are a crutch I cannot do without. It adds to the hardcore pornography of the internet. It adds to the grinding and subtle touching I used to do on crowded subway trains to women. It adds to the filthy phone calls I have made to prostitutes. I have found that as one gets older and the addiction deepens, it also broadens in its curiousity for different and ever more depraved ways of expressing the same passions.

I cannot even begin to imagine how many hours, days, possibilities, achievements, opportunities for fulfullment I have lost to this evil addiction. It has sapped my energy and time like a black hole and left me frail and empty.

Despite this I have expended much energy in persuing a life of normality. In this Hashem has blessed me beyond any comprehension. I have the most beautiful wife I could ever dream of marrying. I have a son who is the apple of my eyes. I am in a frum community that is like a family to me. If it was not for this dark cave my life would be full of light.

My pragmatic fear is that I may slip up. I may be 'found out'. I have never and never would cheat on my wife. I have a strong fortified limit. However the addiction to masturbation and pornography would be shameful enough for me if exposed. If my wife found out I phoned prostitutes or looked up their advertisement webpages would she believe me that it was just for an outlet of fantasy? Beyond that I also fear continuing to waste the blessings Hashem has given me.

I remember years ago as a soldier training to fight house to house. It is the most aggressive and dangerous form of  fighting. You kick down doors, clamber up stair cases, throw grenades into rooms, and you could get shot any second. Many fall at every corner, every doorway, every stairwell, before every window. This is how my internal battle with the Yetzer Hara feels to me now. It is like when we retook Jerusalem but a few years ago. Some on this website may even remember it. I feel like I am battling now for my Jerusalem, my Beit Hamikdash. It is a desparate battle but I have no platoon, no air support, noone to cover me as I kick at the hinges of another dangerous door.
Chevrei, I have fallen many times. I read stories here of others who have too. Ironically they give me strength and hope.

Where do I end this mail? I could pour out words upon words. I leave this space for you now. Please reply. I now need your help to succeed as the stakes are too high for me to continue to stumble barefoot over broken glass.

I am here for you too. Write and I will reply.

Ok
First of all u came to the right place

Second of all u are never ever ever too
Late in the game to turn your life around

Its not a walk in the park

It is hard work

If u are machlit to do it.  It will be alor easier than door to door combat


# 1 hachlatta
RESOLVE

Make up with yourself
To change your behavior

Don't get too caught up. It makes no difference to why u are an addict

But if u so  want to change or not get caught

Whatever

You need to change your behavior

Get rid of face book

YES

Get a filter on every computer u have. (Iphone etc)

YES

Resolve to stay here

GUE works

I was in a similar situation

I am a year and ahalf clean

I say it with pride

And it was a life changing experience

We all have a day one

Today is your day one

It is work

KEEP ON TRUCKING!!!

My dear chaver I felt everything u wrote

I was in that vicious cycle

It can be done

All u need is a day ONE

Bardichev

Seven, I relate to almost everything you've written, but in particular to your Facebook addiction.  While I was able to stay away in large part from porn this past year, my downfall came in the form of anonymous facebook accounts.  So I know what you are going through.  First and foremost, get a filter setup.  I cannot describe for you the tremendous relief I felt when my filter blocked my way from getting onto Facebook.
Hatzlacha and a Ksiva Chasima Tova

seven,

Welcome and thanks for the post, I have rarely read such a great story on this site!

I myself am working toward recovery from my addiction in the SA (Sexaholics Anonymous) 12-step program.

We approach the issue from a very different perspective than a soldier in battle.  I have fought and fallen in battle too many times to count.  Thats the only reason I eventually came to SA - everything else I tried failed.

For me it turns out this is nothing even remotely like a military battle.  In battle if 10 soldiers is not enough you send 20.  If small arms are not enough you bring in the artillery.  My addiction does not work like this.  The more of my own will I throw at it the more it comes back at me.

In SA I learned the concept of "surrender".  Unheard of in the military (certainly in Israel where it would mean certain death) this works amazingly well in addiction. 

I learned to surrender to my addiction.  This doesn't mean I give in and do it.  It means I hoist the white flag and admit to myself, God and my group that I am beat.  I'm powerless and on my own will eventually loose the battle.  It may not be today, tomorrow or this week but eventually the addiction will win out.  My ONLY way out is God.  When I can turn to Him and say I'm powerless, beat, at the end of my rope and if you don't save from this I'm a goner, the lust leaves.  It leaves in a totally different way than when I use my own force to try and get rid of it.  With my own will I stop the acting out but the tension is still there.  I'm jittery, my jaw is tense and I walk around like I'm rigged up with a trip wire waiting to explode.  When I rely on God to relieve me of lust, I end up relaxed, serene and feel connected to those around me.  That doesn't mean it stays that way.  The lust can come back and I have to surrender it again. 

Coming to the this realization of my powerlessness is both painful and freeing.  You have to experience it to truly understand it.  I would start reading some of the literature like the SA Whitebook and the AA big book.

Hatzlacha

I strongly recommend reading the Whitebook section "The First Test-Surrender" starting on page 66 that speak directly to this issue of giving up those things in are life like the Facebook accounts.


Here is the link

http://www.guardureyes.com/GUE/PDFs/eBooks/White%20Book.pdf

Welcome, Seven.  I so know the fears you have.  Only I WAS found out, and spent some time in jail, and was exposed in a public way, and am waiting legal proceedings where i could know even more disgrace or worse.  You are wise to be "bottoming out from on top", an expression that you'll find in one of the e-books.

Giving up the porn, facebook, phone calls, even undressing women in the streets with our eyes (hence, GuardYourEyes) feel's like it's just asking too much, like we'll be losing our best friend.

Nevertheless, we try to find our way, we discover that we're lost and need Hashem more than ever before in our lives, use practical steps to protect ourselves from our vulnerability to the yetzer, and share in this brotherhood.  I encourage you to put a filter on.  Look around the site, and ask for help.  post what's happening for you so we can respond and encourage you.  There are people here who are so selfless.  Ask.  Post.

You can do this.

Bardichev,

Thanks so much for your reply. And so soon, which makes a big difference when one reaches out in desparation. I have just closed my Facebook accounts, partly in your merit, partly in the merit of other replies, and partly in the merit of the article on the GYE website on the front page about closing Facebook accounts permanently with the link for doing so. Phew!

I cannot belive it, you are a year and a half clean.. I can barely even relate to that from where I am now. How has it changed your life? How has it changed you? What differences have you seen on a daily basis? Is it still a struggle for you?

I wish you a year filled with blessings and life. I believe you will receive eternal merit for every key stroke you made when replying to me. Be in touch.

A friend across the globe.

bardichev wrote on 07 Sep 2010 18:04:

1Daat,

Thanks for your reply. I am so sorry to hear that harsh judgement befell you and public exposure as well as jail have burned you. May Hashem deliver you from further disgrace or any other hell. I will keep you in mind in a few hours when Rosh Hashana starts. It is truely scary to know that it can really drag us down that far. If only there was the awareness that we really need help, support, understanding, not iron bars and banishment.

I know that the coming judgments are hanging over like angry black clouds when you have already been through so much already. May Hashem hear you on the day you call. The Gate of Tears is never closed. and remember that you have Chevrei that also suffer at the hands of the Yetzer Hara, who read what you have written and do not judge.

Thanks for your encouragement. I have closed my Facebook accounts. A first farewell to an evil friend who is really a fiend, who I wish never to see again.

1daat wrote on 08 Sep 2010 05:53:

Thanks for your reply u-r-a-jew,

I have just closed my Facebook accounts. It really is hell, and worse than porn in many ways. It is a form of spying and deception as well, using the evil eye of lust on people who do not know how you are looking at them. I will get a filter up again, I am just a bit nervous as I have set one up before and I ended up taking it down to get to the filth!Defeated by my own hand!

Hatzlacha and a Ksiva Chasima Tova to you too. Be in touch.

ur-a-jew wrote on 07 Sep 2010 19:55:

Jooboy,

Thanks for the link - I will read it. Comforting to know I am not the only Facebook victim..

Hatzlacha and a Ksiva Chasima Tova


Jooboy wrote on 07 Sep 2010 20:14:

Thanks very much for you heatfelt message. What you have written is truely fascinating - if I understand right you mean that the harder you try to fight the addiction the more power you actually give it, and only through relaxing and surrendering to Hashem do we stand a chance. I will have to think a lot about this one. Forgive my short message - it is only due to really needing to think about this concept before having something to say about it. My first pomegranate of the New Year!

How have you been finding your attempts to overcome the Y"H? What is it like going through a structured programme? It seems frightening to me - the fear mainly being of failure or not being able to stick to the programme.

I wish you a Hatzlacha and a Ksiva Chasima Tova, and please be in touch again.

Jooboy wrote on 07 Sep 2010 20:08:

Its great! Even the failures.  I learn from each one.  So far for me the absolute best part is the fellowship of the group.  Coming out of the secrecy and sharing with others openly is a very powerful experience and critical for me to recover from my addiction.  I learn tools to use, honesty, humility and how to realte to others.

Don't get me wrong.  There are those who come and do not recover right away.  Usually they are not really working the program of the steps, just showing up at meetings once in a while.  For those who come regularly and do as suggested to them by the program there is a very good recovery rate.

As for the fear, without a program most people are surely going to continue doing what they have been so the alternative is not too bright.

K'siva V'chasima Tova

May wel all be written in the book of LIFE!

Welcome, you came to the right place....

May your closing of Facebook be a Zechus for you to recover and lead a happy life...

I have recently had a few occasions were I had to contact someone via facebook (for constructive purposes). I was thinking about unblocking facebook from my filter, but I wanted to know what I may be getting myself into...

I am appreciative for your sharing your expereince with it...
I will with G-d's help avoid signing up for facebook....

K'siva V'chasima Tova
--Tried

seven wrote on 08 Sep 2010 10:30:


i was a facebook victim. and i got rid of it. you mentioned that youre scared that if you put up a filter you might take it down again? why not give the password  to someone else?

We each have our own battles, our own struggles. But almost all of us (if not all) have felt the way that you feel - like it's an endless battle, and that we're worried that we really wouldn't be able to survive without this crutch. I know that I can certainly identify with that feeling. The crazy thing is that you can. You can live, you can be happy. Even happier than your drug makes you now.

And like others here have already said the best part is that you don't have to feel like you're constantly struggling! You get to just move on and live life!

Feel free to check out my thread (just click the link under this post), and post there, too - I can always use chizuk!