Someone suggested I pick this up out of a thread in Break Free and post it here:

I panic as the yomim noraim approach. I have to face Shamayim. I am no better off today than I was decades ago, despite thousands of desperate teshuvos. I am ready to give up and just accept that I am a rasha, and try to do as little damage as I can (I'm not molesting anyone b"H, that's not my issue); and as much positive as I can, and just accept the consequences in olam habah.
I feel like I can't win.
I've been through SA, AA, rehab, therapy, theeeeeeerapyyyyyyy, marriage counseling, counseling with my Rav, the works.
(I'll whine now, if you don't mind.)
I feel like I was set up.
I was sexually molested by neighborhood boys as a child, and some of those moments are still as terrifying and revolting today as they were when I was 3. Problem is, those feelings in turn feed some of my deepest fixations. Weird.
The same-sex play continued in elementary school and junior high, albeit consensual. It's a wonder I'm not gay.
I transferred all that to girls in high school. My only goal in high school and college was to have sex. Then as now, it consumes 90% of my waking thoughts. I have been successful in my profession. Imagine if I had devoted all of my mental energies to that...
I became religious in my 30's. When I was 43 I "crashed," due to alcohol and bipolar disease. I am also ADD.
Some years after that I met another frum woman, got divorced from my first wife, and started anew. The sex at first was terrific, for about two years. I had found my soul mate. My sex mate
But then she cooled off. It's now just like my first marriage, except that I have tremendous resentment against my second wife. I feel betrayed. (I know, midah k'neged midah.)
I'm still as eager as an 18 year old, but I'm alone in that.
And so at times, in order to have the fun I used to have, I go on the net.
Is there a way to feel intensity without sex and booze? Is there a way to cauterize the part of my brain that needs that intensity?
I hate it. But as I say, forgive me, I feel like Heaven set me up in this. Oy, I feel exhausted.

Heaven did set you up. There's no doubt about that. The only question is, what did Heaven want from you with this "set up"? Perfection? I doubt. Surrender and dependence on Hashem? Perhaps.

You say you've been to SA. Have you truly worked the 12-Steps with a sponsor and a group?

The intensity you speak of.. Ah yes, that is the killer. We can't find it in life, so we seek it in "using".

Perhaps if we can develop an attitude of gratitude, we can get a high from life as well.

Welcome to our club. We all relate.

I apologize for disagreeing with you, but i don't think you're ready to give up and call yourself a rasha. It would be easier in many ways, but if you wanted to do that, you wouldn't be here.

So, welcome! The fact that you DID arrive here is a huge statement, both to yourself, and to hashem!

As Reb guard said, we can all relate to that running after the high, the thrill, etc. And nothing can ever replace that. And any partner you have will realize that. Even people here who've had casual relationships will tell you that even in the best relationships, there'll still be the urge for more.

If you would get clean, and by doing so, learn to truly focus on your wife in a healthy way, i suspect that your sex life would improve as well.

but more importantly, you'd be happy, without trading the rest of your life for it. It's do-able. It's possible. Welcome.

JMZY,
I read your story again (I saw your last post) and again I felt your pain.

I really truly wish you hatzlacha.

There is more than a handful in your plate. Childhood abuse - Bipolar - ADD - Sex addiction... any one of these 4 by themselves is more than a handful.

Please keep us posted on your ups and downs.

And please keep going. Klal Yisroel, and Reb Yisroel, needs your efforts.

kutan

You got a response from the Heiliger Guard!  I take that as a siman min HaShamayim that you're going to make it, b'Ezras Hashem!

Someone who has been what you've been through has the potential to make a unique and vital contribution to Klal Yisrael (for example, by helping and encouraging countless others who are going through similar nisyonos).  By doing so, all these aveiros will serve as a springboard for helping others, and will, thereby, become Mitzvos.  This is likely what Chazal mean when they say that Teshuva Mei'ahava transforms aveiros into Mitzvos.

Think about it.  With the proper effort on your part (one day at a time), reaching out to others, and a good dose of Siyata d'Shemaya, you can, b'Ezras Hashem reach the point  where, not only will you have no reason to regret your past, but you'll be grateful for it.  Not only will you not be a Rasha, but you'll be a true Ben Aliyah.

Much Hatzlacha!