Hello everyone, I  have a very important and strange confesion to make, I hope knowone will kill me.

Here goes.
About a month ago I introduced myself to GYU in a thread named "help I'm 14 years old"  as a 14 year old teen, now, the truth of the matter is that I'm actually 16 (soon 17), but this is hardly the issue, the point is that I also gave off a clear impresion that I am one of those extremely innocent, young and confused 'just hit puberty'  kids, who come from an very ultra chasidic family, and who sometimes just can't seem to control the need to masturbate, hence the type of questions I asked in that thread, which is still there for all to see.

Now just to set your picture shtrait, I acually happen to be unfortunatly everything but innocent in any way, shape or form, the only thing I could just about say I did not do is, what would halachickly be considerd as biah. In fact I could probably have said the above lines when I was 14!

The impresions I gave in the above post were lies.

As you are reading you are probably thinking 'well, why the hell would he do such a thing?!'

My answere is as follows, it was/is part of my sexual addiction-I get a certain thrill out of fantasizing about a struggling helpless kid who is just begining to mature etc, only I had to be over 14 inorder to get in.

As ironic as it may seem, yes! I was indeed using - of of all the dirty sites out there - this site the site made to help people break their addiction, to accomadate part of my addiction!

I owe an appolagy to everyone on this site for abusing it. I hope you will fogive me before RH.

The truth is that I have known this site for a number of years now only I didn't pay it much atention, however once I started spending more time on the site  inorder to keep up with my thread I was meanwhile inspired to start using the site properly.



 

I also owe an apology to the likes of Dov and others who spent time writing to this nonexistant 14 year old.
I'm sure you feel really stupid for wasting your time, I'm very very sorry.

Btw I would very much appreciate any tips or guidance, now that you know who I really am.

This site is all about teshuva. Anyone who may have been affected will surely find it in their heart to forgive you, if they perceive you as being sincere now. V'chol hamerachem al habrios merachmin alav min hashomayim!

It's funny, as the admin, I got many e-mails about the "14 year old" thread, and most people felt that this was an older person pretending to be 14. But I let it be, since the answers that were given were very good, and can be used in the future to possibly help 14 year olds in such a situation.

So you helped bring out some beautiful thoughts and answers from people, and that's what the forum is for... As far as your own situation, I suggest you use the tools of our network to get help. Join the phone conferences, the chizuk e-mails, the parter-system, the 90 day chart, read the handbooks, call the hotlines, etc... Anyone who wants to get better and takes recovery seriously, will find what it takes on GYE.

Gaurd, that's amazing!

I was actually thinking of asking whether anyone had douts, and why.

I hope nobody still suspects me;)

Also I am interested to know what gave it away.

Yeah I still suspect you.

By the way I also have a confession to make.

I'm not really Me3.

I apologize if I fooled anyone or wasted their time.

14 wrote on 31 Aug 2010 17:57:


This site is about teshuva and improvement. In general looking back is not a good idea, but in this case especially, discussing what gave it away would be inappropriate vouyerism and very counterproductive. 

If you are sincere in your will to improve, there are people here ready, willing and able to help. If you want to keep playing the same games...

14 wrote on 31 Aug 2010 17:57:


You just "found a iPhone" and started using the internet on it?
Also, your English was too good for a 14 year old chassidish boy.
And there were many other indications... 

I forgive you and glad to see you've embraced honesty.
Pardon the pun.

Elya

14! (or should i say 16)!!!! im proud of you. as i told you (in private) this is the 1st step to stopping.
keep in touch
HS

I didn't buy the 14 year old story for even a moment.  I can't even figure out an ipod, no chasideshe kid found an iphone and is posting pages of material.

Either way, I hope you find the help you need here.  I have posed as someone I'm not many times on the internet while in active addiction, so although it is sick I certainly relate to why one might do it.

We've all got our issues - part of being here is to grow, and work past them. Opening up is a major step - welcome!

I would imagine that it might also be difficult to open up, even here, anonymously. Much easier to pose as someone else. I know that it wasn't always easy for me to open up! I have tremendous respect for you, for your willingness to come clean now, even though I'm sure it wasn't easy.

Well, you certainly had me totally fooled. I was sure you were (acting like) a 14yo, that you were ashamed of what you were doing, saw the solution as being in the form of "an eitza" (typical kids' thinking - I do it all the time!), couldn't control your need to masturbate and use porn, that you often found yourself lost in a world of fantasy, and that you did not really have a clue about what to do about it.

I guess I was wrong. But where?

Luckily, addicts like me can relate. We are 14yo's inside (where it really counts) - or younger. We frequently put up false images of ourselves to 'save face' (while our insides are rotting) to everybody around us. We become preoccupied with living in a way that allows us to keep it secret - first to 'save face', but later so that we can keep doing it! It becomes so precious to us that more and more of ourselves gets allocated to our 'Lust Protection Program'....so it's no wonder we end up totally confused about who we really are! By the time we decide we really need recovery, we have slapped ourselves senseless!

Lie, schmie. Puh-leez. I love everyone here (just cuz they are pervs) - but to me, the minute I'd use a fake name, I feel like I am lying. But that is the way it's done, it seems. It doesn't work for me, but I accept that if a username will help you take at least some of your masks off and get the real you out there, it's worth it.

And going with the 14yo thing is a step you need to take, it's well worth it. Like other guys above have already posted.

You are a lucky fellow to have so much love and support. Don't waste it.

Welcome to the world of learning how to be real to ourselves by starting to be real to others, and to the yeshiva of growing up!

Now excuse me while I go watch more SpongeBob reruns....

I lived a whole long lifetime as a lie.  Accepting someone who lies as part of their addiction is not an issue for me.  Like Dov said, Lies shmies.  At the end of all the "who are you really" drama, we're all left with one question:  Do we wanna clean up or hit bottom? 

But now I'm reluctant to pour my heart out to you to help you in any way I can

Not14 wrote on 31 Aug 2010 14:15:


I've got a 20 year old and a 17 year old.  I guess you could be a gifted 17 year old writer--"Hence" and hyphens and proper placement of commas, "accommodate", "ironic as it may seem".  Maybe you are what you say you are.  And you have a gift for writing in English.  I'm not sophisticated enough to parse that out. 

Do you hear the doubt, the hesitation to trust?  That feels really bad for me to be feeling about someone who just came clean and wants to do t'shuvah.  I'm kind of in a pickle (apologies to Steve).  Hashem will know what to do.

I'm glad you're staying in touch, in whatever persona works for you.  In my experience this is a serious resting place for Hashem.  I wish you His Peace, His Rest.

14/16/17/20 I posted my thoughts on this here.

www.guardyoureyes.org/forum/index.php?topic=2909.msg77622#new

Hatzlocho