I just learned about GYE so I wanted to take this time to introduce myself.
I've had this problem for eight going on nine years now. I started when I was 12 and didn't even know what I was doing at the time. I didn't even know that there was anything wrong with it. I would close myself in a room and just do it. After a few months of doing it many times a day, I heard some people talking about how it is wrong and I got terribly scared. I tried stopping but I was already hooked.
Throughout high school I tried to stop but never could. My family has TV with cable and had many very inappropriate shows and movies available every day. I eventually asked them to lock the TV and put time restrictions on it so I wouldn't stay up late watching it, never telling them the actual problem. I would constantly fall, never able to make it more than 3 days at a time usually. I would tell myself that eventually I would get control of it because I was never successful, but I didn't have to go crazy over it at that point.
After high school, I started becoming more spiritual and felt much closer to Hashem, but I still couldn't control myself. Every time I would watch inappropriate things, I would be so upset at myself. I would punch through things or not talk to people, and sometimes the thought entered my head that there was no point in living. (That only entered my head for a moment because I knew Hashem wouldn't want me to do that.) I knew I could do better, but felt like an idiot who couldn't control himself. Then I would get happy the next day and keep going through the same cycle. I eventually told my brother and a very close friend of mine, but I never felt like they really got it. They would never bring it up to me because it is something that is embarrassing and for that exact reason I never brought it back up to them. I then told my parents and asked them to get rid of the TV in my house which they refused to do, but they did put blocks on the TV and the computer. The problem was anyone who has been through this knows that if there is a hole to get through in those parental blocks, you'll find it, and you know it from that point on. That's what happened with me. I found certain things that turned me on that weren't bad enough to be blocked or find times that a certain TV wasn't blocked by accident. I eventually told my parents that I wanted to go to therapy after talking it over with my Rebbe. I was in therapy for a year, and it did me wonders, but I think I ended it too early. Even though I am a huge fan of therapy as it helped me a ton, I felt like my parents thought of me as a loser with huge problems as long as a went to a psychologist so I ended it after a year.
Well it's now about sixteen months after that and I'm still falling. I would go three days and then fall, sometimes not even making it three days. I knew what I had to work on because I did go through therapy so I learned my triggers and stuff like that, but a lot of times I just didn't care. I felt like a constant loser who couldn't control himself, someone who could never have anyone's respect and someone who didn't deserve anyone's respect. And even though I have lots of friends I found myself in a constant state of loneliness and it ate at me.
Then a few days ago I searched shmiras einayim online and found an article on Aish and saw some guy referring to GYE. I came to this site and was shocked. It hit me that I am not a loser and I am not the only one dealing with this. I immediately felt liberated and felt like I could use everything I learned in therapy because I can do it, and it's not just me in this battle alone. Because of that I wanted to thank everyone here on this website. You guys have given me a newfound strength and I don't know how to thank you enough. Hopefully, I will be able to hold on to this feeling. I really don't know if I could ever express enough gratitude for everyone here being open and honest with who they are. It really just changed my life. I wish I could help you guys as much as you have helped me. 

P.S. I'm sorry my intro took a little longer than expected.

WOW!!!

Love ur story and relate to much of it, especially the early start.  I wish I would have had the guts to address it years ago. Now 25 years later I'm still dealing with it (successfully so far with GOD's help).

Hatzlacha

Welcome Tzadick. If you want to work the 12 steps we have a phone conference and we just started a new cycle today. Here is a link www.guardyoureyes.org/?page_id=678

Hatzalcha Rabba. Thanks for sharing very moving, honest story.

A massive welcome CDIM!!

You have taken a very big and important first step joining GYE. If only I had the same self awareness you have now 15 years ago when I was your age.

On here you will find a lot;

A lot of love

A lot of help

A lot of support

A lot to read

A lot to think about

Most importantly, you will find a lot of people who have been where you are and made it, who are where you are now who will understand and eventually who aspire to be where you get to and in time you will be helping them.

Use the site regularly and use it well. Read lots, post lots, get a buddy and a sponsor, if you will find it helpful join a phone conference group and think about the 12 steps program. Definitely definitely , join the Wall. You will be amazed how the days rack up just by taking it One Day At A Time!!!

If you ever need a chat, feel free to PM me.

A big hug to you my brother,

Haleivi76

Just read through your post (and no it was not too long) and I thought I was reading about my past.  The big difference is that unlike you I never had the courage to tell anyone, whereas you have reached out to relatives, parents, rabbeim and a therapist.  Wow what courage (and brains).  It took me close to 20 years of marriage and struggling to finally come clean to a rebbi.  I can assure you you've come to the right place.  There are so many resources here (daily chizuk emails, virtual SA meeting, the handbook and the boards to name a few).  In light of all the courage you've displayed in trying to get clean, I have no doubt that you will be succesful here.  Welcome and good luck.

Cantdoitmyself,

Welcome ! You've come to the right place.

It always saddens me to read about the negative attitude some people have about therapy, which in turn causes many people to suffer their problems in silence. In the 70's in the secular world people were proud to go for therapy, it showed that you were working on improving yourself. People would ask each other at parties, "So which therapist do you go to ?"

A lot of it is ignorance as to how therapy works, like some people who still think that all psychologists follow Freudian theories. But sometimes all those jokes people make about shrinks cause people to feel that there's a stigma associated with going to a psychologist. I don't make jokes about that subject because of the real danger of damaging a person's life because of my stupid joke.

I really can't understand how it's reached the point in our frum society that it's considered crucial to learn mussar and to have a close connection with a Rebbe to discuss personal issues, but you're considered weird (and sometimes un-shidduchable) if you discuss those very same issues with a trained professional. I get the idea that people's attitudes are changing but not fast enough.

I want to say thanks to everyone for your kind words. I'm very glad to be a member of this community.

Such a gift you are to me.  Sometimes I just go kind of emotionally flat.  I'm in one of those.  So I started posting to guys, some I know a little, some not.  You know what?  It doesn't matter.  We all love the same KBH.

So I find your post.  Such a shot of honesty, of guts--to tell a friend, a brother, your parents, your rav, and to go to therapy!  I needed some strong chizuk.  Thank you.

I am a therapist for over forty years.  And in case you hadn't noticed, here I am on GYE.  And you're giving me such incredible chizuk.

That you have found the site is the ultimate Hasgacha Pratis, the ultimate Hug from Hashem (check out the "feel the hugs" thread on the "important threads" board).  Such honesty and courage as yours will take everything you learned in therapy, and find yourself hooked up to Hashem and cruising.  Maybe a bump here or there, but as one of our illustrious Rebbeim on this site, Reb Bardichev says, "fell shmell"

I welcome you with arms wide, you are one of us, our brother, we will watch over you, and ask the same of you.

Much hotzlocho

Thank you for your wonderful message.  Today was an incredibly stressful day.  I got in a car accident (B"H nobody hurt), with a yeshivah bochur no less.  Oy, the money, the hassle, I'm way late for work, my insurance is going to go through the roof. oy oy oy.  You know what, it went so smooth it was like cruise control.  The appointment I had to miss was able to come in later.  I couldn't drive the car, and guess what, there's a city tow guy 25 yards away taking a coffee break.  He was so nice and offered to tow me to work.  Everything after that just went clipping along.  Just a short while ago I would have been glued to the screen to bleed off the intensity.  B"H, it didn't happen.  I just barely got freaked out.  Maybe tomorrow, who knows.  This was today.  Find reb Bard.  He's all over the place.  He tells us to "Keep on truckin".

So how was your day?  Keep us all "posted".  You matter to us.

coiach l'coiach.

Some people talk about feeling the hugs, that means to look out for instinses where we can see Hashem's hand. Like the truck. remember that when it hurts Hashem is even closer. The Kiruvim where facing each other at the time of the churan

So far so good. Ever since discovering GYE, I've been able to use the tools that I've learned with Hashem's help. Before discovering GYE, I felt like I had a good grip on this. Over the years, I've tried to beat this and I felt very close, but needed an extra push. GYE gave me that push, so b"H, I've known about this site for six days and I've been clean for six days. The lusting seems to be dying out. I still have to battle at times as we all do, but it's become much easier.

I'm a big believer that we were all put in specific situations by Hashem for very specific reasons. From my own personal experience, I've become much more connected to Hashem throughout all of this. I feel like this has made me a better person. Don't get me wrong. I'm not happy about this and I don't like to feel the lust, but I know I can deal with it and I will grow from it. The more posts I read on GYE it truly amazes me how close we all are trying to get to Hashem. We were all put into these situations because we can beat this, as Hashem wouldn't give us something we couldn't do, and to grow from our experiences.  Every post I read on this site is so inspiring. Thank you.

I am very happy you are doing well and i only wish you success but you probably have not beat this yet and the YH will hit when least expected. LOL

Dear Cantdoitmyself,

I am the admin of this forum. Welcome to our community!

Scientific studies have shown that it takes 90 days to change a neural thought pattern that was ingrained in the brain through addictive behaviors. Did you join the 90 day chart on-line? Sign up over here...

Make sure to install a strong filter. It will be almost impossible to break free of this while having all the garbage within a mouse click away. See this page for one good filter option, along with instructions on how to install it best - and give away the password to our "filter Gabai"... See this page for another 20 (or so) filter ideas and information...

We get cries for help every day, by e-mail and on the forum. Tzuras Rabim Chatzi Nechama    And that is why we created the GYE handbooks (links below). If you read them well, from beginning to end, slowly, and try to implement what you read, you will find the answers within them to enable you to completely turn your life around. You're worth it.

Also, join the daily Chizuk e-mail lists to get fresh chizuk every day, and post away on this forum. You will get tons of daily Chizuk and support. This disease can't be beat alone. It works best when you get out of isolation!

GuardYourEyes also offers various free anonymous phone conferences, where you can join a group of other frum Yidden, along with an experienced sponsor. See this page for four different options. Our conferences are taking place daily, throughout the week... This would be a tremendous step in the right direction for you and help you learn freedom from this addiction. Not only will you learn the secret of the 12-Steps - which is known to be the world's most powerful program for beating addiction having helped millions world wide, but joining the group will be another way of GETTING OUT OF ISOLATION and connecting with others who are going through what you are.

One of our goals on GYE is to help people "hit bottom while still on top" so they will take recovery seriously. To explain better what I mean, please see this page. If you're here, it means you're already taking serious steps in recovery, so keep up the good work!

Let me tell you a little about the two GuardYourEyes handbooks. The lay down the cornerstone of all our work at GuardYourEyes. Before the GYE handbook people would often get "lost" when coming to our website, not knowing what tips and techniques to try. For example, someone with a low level addiction wouldn't jump straight into therapy or 12-Step groups, while someone whose addiction was more advanced wouldn't be helped by the standard tips of "making fences", putting in filters etc... For the first time ever, this handbook details all the techniques and tools dealing with this addiction in progressive order. Now, anyone can read it through and see what steps they've tried already, and if those steps haven't worked, they can continue on through the handbook to the next tools, as the suggestions become progressively more "addiction-oriented".

We suggest printing out the handbooks and reading it them at least once. Then, we suggest going back and reading them again slowly on the computer, and this time pressing on the many links that are found in the different articles.

And the second handbook, called the "Attitude" handbook, can also help anyone, no matter what level of addiction they may have. Often people write in to us saying that had they only known the proper outlook & attitude that we try and share on the GuardYourEyes network when they were younger, they would have never fallen into an addiction in the first place! So we hope that through this handbook, many addictions will be prevented.

The handbooks are PDF files, set up as eBooks, and they have bookmarks and hyper-links in the Index, to make them easy to navigate.

Right click on the links below and select "Save Link/Target As" to download the handbooks to your computer.

1) The GuardYourEyes Handbook
This Handbook details 18 suggested tools and techniques, in progressive order, beginning with the most basic and fundamental approaches to dealing with this addiction, and continuing down through increasingly earnest and powerful methods. For the first time, we can gauge our level of addiction and find the appropriate tools for our particular situation. And no matter what level our addiction may have advanced to, we will be able to find the right tools to break free in this handbook!

2) The GuardYourEyes Attitude
The Attitude Handbook details 30 basic principles to help us maintain the proper attitude and perspective on this struggle. Here are some examples: Understanding what we are up against, what it is that Hashem wants from us, how we can use this struggle for tremendous growth, how we can deal with bad thoughts, discovering how to redirect the power of our souls, understanding that every little bit counts, learning how to bounce back up after a fall, and so on and so forth...

May Hashem be with you!

CDIM, Have a good Shabbos.  Hope all is going easy

what r u talking about?????  ???
u can and u did do it urself
going out and telling the whole world, searching online for shemiras einayim and everything else u did
ur a tzaddik, hashem loves u KOT