I cannot believe I am about to write everything here.  I don't know what else to do anymore.  I am beyond myself right now.
Before I begin I will say I am married with a child.

I got married 4 years ago to a wonderful amazing girl who loves me and gives me Everything I need.  For some unexplainable reason this isn't good enough.  I "fell" many times during our marriage, even when she was not nida.  Before we got married this was such an issue for me that I was worried it would carry into marriage.  I daven 3 times a day with a minyan, at one point I was being kovea Itim every day.  I would cry to Hashem several times a week to help me fight my Yetzer Hara. I would go to the mikva twice a week.  I would look down when I saw something in the street that caught my eye (and many times was successful in not looking back).  For all this, I fell here and there and I don't think I ever went on average more than two weeks without doing it.  Eventually, (about 3 years ago) I began surfing and looking at porn on the internet.  It was an old habit I had before I got married.  When I broke that barrier, I fell many times a week. Eventually, I began the phone sex lines.  Eventually, I got bored of this as well.  Over the last 3 1/2 years that was the worst it has been.  I never would have thought it would have come to all that when I got married-but that's where it was.

Right now I am questioning what to do, whether Hashem can ever forgive me, and EVEN if HE does, I do not believe I WILL EVER forgive myself for what recently happened.  What I recently did.  I went too far.  I feel like garbage.  It just recently happened so it is so fresh in my mind.  I am out of control and I need HELP.  G-d help me.

Like I said, all this was not enough for me.  Recently, I did the unthinkable.  I went out and “found” a non-jewish woman who…..I don’t think I have to say the details.  I HAD EVERY OPPURTUNITY TO STOP MYSELF. I MEAN, SEVERAL PEOPLE HAPPENED TO CALL ME A FEW TIMES (WHO RARELY CALL) AND I KEPT GETTING DELAYED IN GETTING TO THIS WOMAN.  Even after Hashem tried to put stumbling blocks in my path, I still fell.  This happened once, recently, and it will NEVER EVER EVER EVER HAPPEN AGAIN.

You guys all know how low you feel after a fall.  You know that feeling of depression and sickness you feel after.  TRUST ME NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS SICKER THAN THIS. Nothing. Nothing at all.  DON’T ANY OF YOU EVER COMMIT MY MISTAKE. I BEG YOU, PLEASE DO NOT. YOU WILL REGRET THIS!!!!
Well now I do not know what to do.  Except that I will succeed in Stopping ALL of this.  Tomorrow, I will be calling kosher internet filtering companies.  I will become more frum.  I will become stronger. I WILL SUCCEED.
But now? Now I don’t know what to do with myself.  I don’t know how to keep on living religiously.  I committed one of the worst things a person can do to his family. I am so lost and afraid.  I feel hopeless.  I never felt like this in my life.  I cannot look at my wife with a straight face.  I have never been so depressed in my life. Ever. 

I just signed up for a sponsor/partner to help me through- to help me get through this whole ordeal.  I don’t even know if it will help but I have nothing else to do.  I am scared.

PLEASE HELP ME. I feel like most of you, when you “fall.”  However, what I did is WAY more serious than M.

Please, somebody or Anybody who can relate to this specific situation.  Please write something to me. Please.

Willsucceed-

If you are online now - feel free to pm me. Im crying and davening for you...for you to have strength, courage, bracha, the ability to stand up, get back up on your feet.

I admire your strength for knowing that you want to leave that world, to move on from that which holds you back. It is certainly a difficult situation and i cant say i can identify with what you are going through per se but i am sorry for what you are going through. first of all - hang in there, youve come to the right place. you are correct. keep moving and you will succeed. now is not the time to focus on the wrong that youve done in your past. thats over. The goal now is to move to a better place. Fixing the past can happen later, but you first need to move out of the dark place where you are. you are now among friends who want nothing more than for you to clean your life up and live as you want to. you must be a very special neshoma. crying to hashem to fight your yetzer hara, going to the mikva twice a week, and looking away! l'fum tzaara agra. you obviously have a very difficult time and a real draw toward these things, perhaps more powerful than many other people. and yet, you still kept pushing. dont forget this. dont forget that you didnt stop trying. and your not stopping now. dont even consider it.

I cannot imagine the pain your going through. heres a hug, i hope it helps. may hashem hear your and all of our tfillos. with the help of everyone here, you are going to be okay. i know you want nothing more. you should have  strength, the desire to keep moving, connection with hashem, bracha, hatzlacha, emunah, happiness, shalom bayis, a complete teshuva shelaima and all the love you need. 

I for one am here for you. you are going to get through this. its not even close to over, I know you are going to make great strides on this forum.

for now, get an internet filter, read the GYE handbooks, join the phone lines, and consider joining an SA group. dont get dragged down. just keep moving.

were rooting for you.

Woaw,

Will succeed;
take a deep breath - you sound like you are hyperventilating. :-\

I try not to post on new threads anymore (I am the moderator for the womens forum) but you sound so desperate that I am here till the guys kick in  (and beyond if you need)

You are NOT a rasha!
You are someone who is ill and desperately needing to get well. Addiction is a sickness and taking on more frumkeit and chumras wont heal disease.

Stick with us, and you will learn that the key to success is LETTING GO, not holding on tighter!
As you have already discovered, addiction is much stronger than you are. It always will be because the YH is a sly and cunning enemy.
There is only ONE 'cure' for this which has the strength to beat it. HAKADOSH BARUCH HU.

Read the 2 Guardyoureyes handbooks and you will start to understand what you are dealing with, and get tools for handling it.
And give some serious thought to attending SA 12 step meetings...

Welcome to the GYE family,
7up

Yawn... I've heard this so many times before... 

Dear willsucceed, Hi. I'm the admin of this website...

Take it easy on yourself. Hashem still loves you dearly. We have a saying on GuardYourEyes: "When the acting out is virtual, you can be helped virtually, but when the acting out has gone "live", you likely will need a LIVE SA GROUP." Is it possible for you to join a live 12-Step SA group in your area?

Meanwhile, let me post for you our standard welcoming letter to our newbies... You will surely find a lot of GREAT info in there that can get you started on your journey:

Welcome to our community!

Scientific studies have shown that it takes 90 days to change a neural thought pattern that was ingrained in the brain through addictive behaviors. Did you join the 90 day chart on-line? Sign up over here...

Make sure to install a strong filter. It will be almost impossible to break free of this while having all the garbage within a mouse click away. See this page for one good filter option, along with instructions on how to install it best - and give away the password to our "filter Gabai"... See this page for another 20 (or so) filter ideas and information...

We get cries for help every day, by e-mail and on the forum. Tzuras Rabim Chatzi Nechama    And that is why we created the GYE handbooks (links below). If you read them well, from beginning to end, slowly, and try to implement what you read, you will find the answers within them to enable you to completely turn your life around. You're worth it.

Also, join the daily Chizuk e-mail lists to get fresh chizuk every day, and post away on this forum. You will get tons of daily Chizuk and support. This disease can't be beat alone. It works best when you get out of isolation!

GuardYourEyes also offers various free anonymous phone conferences, where you can join a group of other frum Yidden, along with an experienced sponsor. See this page for four different options. Our conferences are taking place daily, throughout the week... This would be a tremendous step in the right direction for you and help you learn freedom from this addiction. Not only will you learn the secret of the 12-Steps - which is known to be the world's most powerful program for beating addiction having helped millions world wide, but joining the group will be another way of GETTING OUT OF ISOLATION and connecting with others who are going through what you are.

One of our goals on GYE is to help people "hit bottom while still on top" so they will take recovery seriously. To explain better what I mean, please see this page. If you're here, it means you're already taking serious steps in recovery, so keep up the good work!

Let me tell you a little about the two GuardYourEyes handbooks. The lay down the cornerstone of all our work at GuardYourEyes. Before the GYE handbook people would often get "lost" when coming to our website, not knowing what tips and techniques to try. For example, someone with a low level addiction wouldn't jump straight into therapy or 12-Step groups, while someone whose addiction was more advanced wouldn't be helped by the standard tips of "making fences", putting in filters etc... For the first time ever, this handbook details all the techniques and tools dealing with this addiction in progressive order. Now, anyone can read it through and see what steps they've tried already, and if those steps haven't worked, they can continue on through the handbook to the next tools, as the suggestions become progressively more "addiction-oriented".

We suggest printing out the handbooks and reading it them at least once. Then, we suggest going back and reading them again slowly on the computer, and this time pressing on the many links that are found in the different articles.

And the second handbook, called the "Attitude" handbook, can also help anyone, no matter what level of addiction they may have. Often people write in to us saying that had they only known the proper outlook & attitude that we try and share on the GuardYourEyes network when they were younger, they would have never fallen into an addiction in the first place! So we hope that through this handbook, many addictions will be prevented.

The handbooks are PDF files, set up as eBooks, and they have bookmarks and hyper-links in the Index, to make them easy to navigate.

Right click on the links below and select "Save Link/Target As" to download the handbooks to your computer.

1) The GuardYourEyes Handbook
This Handbook details 18 suggested tools and techniques, in progressive order, beginning with the most basic and fundamental approaches to dealing with this addiction, and continuing down through increasingly earnest and powerful methods. For the first time, we can gauge our level of addiction and find the appropriate tools for our particular situation. And no matter what level our addiction may have advanced to, we will be able to find the right tools to break free in this handbook!

2) The GuardYourEyes Attitude
The Attitude Handbook details 30 basic principles to help us maintain the proper attitude and perspective on this struggle. Here are some examples: Understanding what we are up against, what it is that Hashem wants from us, how we can use this struggle for tremendous growth, how we can deal with bad thoughts, discovering how to redirect the power of our souls, understanding that every little bit counts, learning how to bounce back up after a fall, and so on and so forth...

May Hashem be with you!

Hey Willsucceed,

As your name says, YOU WILL SUCCEED! You need to believe that it can be done, but ONLY with the help of a being greater than yourself, GOD! Let God into your life, not only went you want Him but also when you need Him. When do you need God? 24 hours a day. Addicts cannot go a second without having God in their life.

Stay here with us. We need you just like you need us.

Hatzlocha!

-Yiddle

Shmiras-  Thank you.  I know that the goal now is moving toward a better place.  I feel completely knocked down. It is very difficult for me to Not focus on what I did. I cannot believe it myself.  I will do a Teshuva shleimah.


7up:  I appreciate that you wrote on my thread even though you don't usually post on new threads.  Yes, I sound like I am hyperventilating.  I am still in shock from what I did.  I can't believe it was me who did it.  I never knew myself to be capable of such a thing.  Yes, I know that the only cure is HAKADOSH BARUCH HU.  I am starting to do teshuva. I am starting to change my habits, the way I think, and even what my daily routine is.  I am thinking about joining a meeting, but I feel it is too soon.  I did not even read the handbooks yet, or get a sponsor, or take other necessary measures.  It is an option on the table, but if I would only do it once I start the process of curing myself of this horrible thing.

guardureyes: Yes I did sign up for the 90 day chart.  I will install a strong filter as you  mentioned. I will print out the handbooks.  I will find a sponsor.  I will succeed.  I will follow all your advice from this point forward.

Yiddle2: I will stay around.  I will be reading the forums for the next week or so, so that I can become more familiar with GYE.

Thank You everybody

willsucceed wrote on 24 Jun 2010 15:07:


Hi " you will succeed",

Lots of us have gone through times as you are going through now. Remember - YOU are a good man LUST is not! again- YOU are good.  You have great potential. The amount of things you are willing to take on right now is amazing. Your are showing REAL charata. If you where bad you would not feel like this.  Hold on tight - YOU WILL SUCCEED.

Feel free to pm me if you want to chat.

Stay upbeat Bro.

Your Brother, D

Will Succeed.  Welcome to GYE, you've come to the right place. 

willsucceed wrote on 24 Jun 2010 15:07:


willsucceed wrote on 24 Jun 2010 15:07:


Take it from the pros (not me) you don't need to read the handbooks to know that you need to go to a meeting.  If you want a "cure" to this problem you need a program like the 12-Steps to do it.  And meetings are the best way to accomplish that. 

Moreover, while guilt is not helpful (and you can listen to a wonderful shuir on the topic from Rabbi Reisman to help you deal with the guilt  www.guardureyes.com/GUE/Music/mus/ShiurYesodos.mp3) you should at least use the guilt in a positive way by continuing to take action now.  Joining GYE and seeking help was a great first step.  But don't wait until tomorrow to contact a filter company.  Don't wait until you read the handbooks and get a partner to go to a meeting.

Good luck in your journey and know that you are not alone.  We are all here to help and support you.

Reb Will Succeed, welcome. I want to share with you a few things that helped me on the road to recovery. I hope it is help to you. 

Stay close to G-d. Listen to every holy promise, every holy statement. Know that it is totally and completely aimed at you. Please have compassion and mercy on yourself and listen to that little voice inside of you that doesn't understand why or how but knows you can keep on. Things will get better. 

Right now is not a time to understand. It isn't a time to look to far into the future, either. Later on, there will be plenty of time for all of that, be'ezras Hashem.

Reb, I too made a terrible mistake. I fell into something I never thought I would. I wallowed in a hell, deep, deep inside. I can tell you that things are better for me today. They are not perfect, but I believe things are going to be better and better. I don't see it, but I didn't see the good I have today when I was in hell. But the good I have today is in my hand, b"H. And I believe it will get better and better with time and G-d's help. Reb, it will get better for you, too.

It's going to be a wild ride so buckle up. But don't give up. Concentrate on the good points you have. You do have good points. Be kind to yourself. Have compassion and be merciful to yourself. Eat well. Sleep well. Don't give up on yourself. These sound like silly things but they are footholds to sanity. You'll be needing them. As you grow, and you will, there will be other footholds. But you'll never find them unless you first establish these most basic ones. Don't give up on yourself.

R' Nachman recommends speaking to G-d in your native language. This is called hisbodedus. Set apart 1 hour each day and do this. Even if all you can bring yourself to do is cry, do this. It will help you as you shed the successive coverings that are enveloping you with pain and guilt. Don't force the hour. If you have to cry and beg at the gates, do this. Be assured G-d will answer you. But do not force the hour. Instead, come and speak to G-d again. Things will get better.

The important thing is not to give up. This is a process. Do not give up. Have compassion on yourself. Remember, if G-d offers you and calls you to teshuvah it is because he understands and loves you. G-d does not only call us to arms, he calls us to return to duty when we fall. I read this in a chapter on teshuvah in the book, Horeb, by R' Hirsch.

Read the Tehillim, kapitel nun aleph & lamed beis. Read these again and again. Read the Gemorah on Yoma 86a,b. Read it again and again. You really have to cling to every holy word of hope in order to live. There are so many more examples. These are the few that have helped me and come immediately to mind.

R' Nachman teaches that if one makes his bed in hell, G-d is there. G-d is even in the hell of our actions, in the hell that we feel. I read in the Talmud that teshuvah waits for a man all of his days. We cannot turn away from it, it is always there waiting for us. That is the love of G-d which is inexhaustible. It is stored away just for you, just for now, when you need it most.

All of these holy mercies are very real. Be honest with yourself and admit that you need them. And begin to receive them as you embark on the path of return. The Ramba"m clearly and concisely explains this path. Look it up. 

If G-d invites you lovingly to teshuvah, He will also restore you. If He invites you to teshuvah, He will also give you simcha again. It is hard to see this now, but it will come. The important thing is to have compassion on yourself and not give up. If you cannot muster any compassion for yourself, know that G-d has more compassion for you than you can possibly imagine. Take a little with you to start your journey. Take a little more every day.

Rabbeinu Yonah wrote in Shaarei Teshuvah that we can return to G-d.

R' Nachman says, If you believe you can damage, also believe you can fix. These are not light things. These are words shared by the highest tzaddikim, born from their unique devotions to G-d. These are holy words attested to throughout the Torah. Grab hold of them.

Reb, as I mentioned above, I can totally identify with your pain. Don't give up. Look at your life honestly and measure your steps. Everyday, measure again. You're going to get better. 

If you want or need to PM me, you are welcome to do so. There are many people on this site that are more than willing and glad to offer support. You are not alone. There are also a lot of resources on this site. Many things to help build you up. Please take advantage of everything you have before you.

Best wishes. You are going to succeed. Keep your head up and step forward. 

teshuvahilaah-

you speak of hisbodedus. im sure you agree - i dont think there is a better tool for overcoming anything. hisbodedus has changed my life in ways you wouldnt believe. starting at an hour would be difficult, but with time it flows more naturally. it has been a great source of joy in my life.

for others interested in much elaboration on the topic - r' shalom arush/r' lazer brody's book -"in forest fields" is an incredible source of inspiration and info. r' lazer also has a great blog - lazer beams, and breslov website - breslev.co.il discusses the gadlus of tfillah.

Shmiras, thanks for the good word.

I recommend an hour daily (of hisbodedus) because that is what was prescribed by R' Nachman. I don't quite reach that level, however, hearing your experience encourages me to continue.

Thanks!!! 

sure give it a shot here and there, let me know how it goes-

either way- while to begin with it is recommended that one just speak naturally, however one is comfortable.

start slow

further along-  even if this is only for ten fifteen minutes-in  'in forest fields' ( which takes time to read so ill give you a quick rundown on the prescribed hisbodedus topics) it says that the order of personal tfillah should be as follows - start by setting aside a small amount of tzedaka to establish an eis ratzon, next - and extremely importantly- is THANKING Hashem, and actually feeling gratitude for whatever issue one is experiencing. NOT EASY - but if we understand that hashem gave us the challenge for our benefit and brings us closer to him, then we can appreciate it. (no complaining is the desired result- thanking hashem for EVERYTHING in our lives). next - teshuva- for last 24 hours, whatever did wrong, feel regret, speak out what sorry for, and state your genuine desire to try to never do it again. ask hashem to help you do tshuva for whatever it is that is holding you back from what you want in life and for his insight in knowing what to do teshuva for. next, daven for klal yisroel to leave galus, and/or for other jews experiencing difficulties, like yours or otherwise. next, daven for emunah which is the real goal of hisbodedus, to believe that everything happens from hashem, for our good. EVERYTHING. this brings about an eis ratzon as well. Lastly, daven for whatever it is you need, all basic needs that you already have, and one specific main desire that you will daven for over and over in your daily hisbodedus until you receive it.  no tfillah goes unanswered, but sometimes it takes a lot of time. like moshe rabeinu - a specific number of tfillos is required to "buy" what you want. to finish off, thank hashem for allowing you to do hisbodedus and ASK HASHEM TO ALLOW YOU TO DO HISBODEDUS daily and/or often and to daven as much as you need to get what you need. doing a few minutes for each part is recommended, and building up time spent on each.

hope it helps, if you apply yourself youll see remarkable results.

!!!!!

Forgot to add-

reminded when i was going through 7ups chizuk email-

7up mentioned that we are embarrassed by showing up to hashem empty handed when asking for our needs. perhaps we are - but we need not be. what can we offer hashem? is it possible for us to give him anything? everything is for us! we SHOULD come to him with the mindset that we are empty handed. when we think we are deserving and our deeds are found to be lacking, we are in a bit of hot water. and we are all lacking. we should come with the mindset of dovid hamelech, that of a pauper, requesting help from hashem - AS A FREE GIFT.  hashem - we are nothing without you, we are dependent on you for every step in our lives, that is the essence of emunah. empty handedness on this world is humiliating, with hashem - it is a beautiful thing, bringing about the mindset we want - that everything we have is from hashem, as a free gift of his love to us. we dont deserve it. he gives it to us anyway. thats love right there.

shmiras wrote on 25 Jun 2010 06:08:


Well said Shmiras!

Unconditional love of a Father who's happiest moments are when He gives to His beloved children.

What an inspiring thread!!!

Will-Succeed,

I identify with your experience of breaking a boundary I thought I was never ever capable of....

I find that acting out is a result of deeper insecurities/fears/guilt/lack of support/ pressure/etc.....

The cure is two fold 1) the actual acting out 2) healing the deeper wounds...

I found this forum very helpful, try to be in touch with some members through personal messages...

I wish you much success...

P.s. there is no one alive who will not be accepted 'back' by Hashem if the person regrets his/her actions and takes steps to improve him/her-self.... EVEN YOU!!!!!!!