Haleivi,

The Y"H" also resorts to reverse psychology.
One tactic it uses is to push you to the extreme of your shmiras. It realises you have resolved to guard your eyes. So now it goes along with that, trying to push you to the extreme. It tries to make your goal an impossible one to accomplish, so that you lose hope of maintaining it.

For a lot of people, seeing a big trigger and not acting out on it afterwards would be a big victory. It is.

You may have given away a little bit of ground, but you saved the goal.

You are turning a small problem, which only lasted a couple of seconds into a bigger one by focusing on it.
The longer you keep your mind on it, the longer the image and the guilt will be in your head, the more likely you are to fall for real.
Find something happy to do, distract yourself.

Btw, I love all that you add to this group. Keep it up!

1daat, you are a gentleman. I want you to know how much I admire you. Having studied your thread several times, tears swell in my eyes. I find it hard to imagine what your life must be like on the one hand and on the other, I know that if I don't change my ways I could so easily fall into some of the same traps you did and that on it's own is inspiration to stay clean. What amazes me most is that despite everything, you maintain such a strong focus on shmiras einayim and particularly on helping and encouraging us youngsters. I am on day 30 today, a major milestone for me and I know that amongst all of the support I have received from so many on GYE, I could not have done it without you.

That you are humble enough to suggest that you have what to learn from me, I am truly grateful and honoured. I am sure of one thing, there is a very special place reserved in shamayim for genuine and heartfelt Ba'alei Teshuva and there is, I truly believe, a throne with your name on it right next to HaKodosh Boruch Hu. I will imagine that one day you will be sat there, perhaps stroking a long grey beard, perhaps smoking a pipe and we will sit for hours just smiling at each other. I count you as a true friend in a life where these are so hard to come by and I wish that I could know you in this life too, for real. Although I know that this is probably impossible, but it doesn't stop me from willing it to happen.

Please accept my thanks, humble as you are.

ToAdd,

You are right of course. As our battle intensifies, it will be all about the details. It is so important to recognise that as clever as we might be, as strong, as determined, the Yetz is more. The only way we can 'keep it real' is by keeping our eyes off the shmutz and on the goal. If the goal seems to be out of sight, then we may have to adjust our direction, but only if its genuinely out of sight and not because the Yetz obscures our vision of it.

Thanks for your words and your praise, humbly appreciated.

To one and all:

I never believed when I joined this site one month ago that I had any hope of making progress. Like so many of you I was at rock bottom and grasping for a lifeline. I heard about GYE and I reached out never imagining the response I would get. Today I stand proudly about to hit level 4 and a month clean. How did that happen? Where did the time go?

My friends, my dear friends, you are all responsible.

Were I to have tried on my own, I would surely have failed. Be proud of what you have achieved with me. I was not an easy project. Truthfully, I'm still not, but I'm getting there and I WILL make you proud of me.

To those of you like Guard, Dov, Elya, etc who read this, and nod and wink knowingly, I think I know you are proud of what you do here and the lives you save, but I don't think you realise how truly great you are. You should be heralded and praised as if you were the Righteous among Nations who saved Jews from the Holocaust. Make no mistake, the issues dealt with on here and the impact they have on the Jewish people are certainly comparable to the holocaust, and their potential to destroy us as a nation are perhaps even worse. Hitler (Yimach shemoi) wanted to kill all the Jews, but he did not succeed (B'H). p**n, the internet and the tumah that exists out there in the world has no intended target, it is not out there specifically to destroy US, the Jews, but had Hitler come up with the idea himself, he would surely have been proud of it. Yidden, however frum have the potential to be lured into it and once in, struggle so hard to get out, and could so easily be lost. If not for you guys, there would be no meaningful, real or lasting way to battle it, but here you are and Y'yasher koichachem for all that you do. May you go Me'Chayil el Choyil in all your endeavours.

To those of you who read this that have just arrived on this site, are struggling; falling regularly and imagine that there is no way out. Take heart from my story. I too believed there was no way out. I never imagined I could claw my way through the mire and even attempt to be clean, but clean I am and with H" help, clean I will stay. Do not give up, the path will not be easy, but you too can do it. Whatever else is going on in your life that is depressing you and pulling you down, focus on this. Make cleanliness your goal, use the resources on GYE, read lots, post lots and get a sponsor and a buddy. Read the handbooks, join the phone conferences if you find them helpful or try the 12 steps. Definitely sign yourself up the 90 day wall and stick to your guns. Before you know it you will, like me, be amazed at your achievements and writing to and helping others.

To those like ur-a-jew, 1daat, Toadd, and many many others who are climbing the ladder with me. Know that having your hands to hold whilst I climb is the only thing that has stopped me from falling. My will alone would never be strong enough. The ladder is old, some of the wood is rotten and a few of the rungs break when you tread on them; so I have slipped here and there, but thanks to your hands, I have not fallen yet and PG, I will not in future.

I feel I have rambled on for long enough now.

I do hope that some of this has helped some of you.

I leave you all with a Brocho: May you all find something to smile about today. Wherever you are holding and however tough you are finding life, may H" bring something spectacular into your life today and chaneg it for the better and when you rest your head on your pillow tonight on the Holy Shabbos, may you rest easy in the knowledge that you have fought a good fight and won.

Just for today Rabboisai, just for today,

With love and affection,

Kol Tuv

Haleivi

Rabboisai, my friends!

I am now level 4!!!

More to the point, one of our new friends Reb Shmu has posted something that got me thinking. He says in his post that he has previusly had a 90 day clean streak on GYE that ended on Rosh Hashana. I did the count and realised that if I complete 90 days on this streak, I will be finished on Erev Rosh Hashana.

What greater incentive could there possibly be to make it to 90 than to know I will be standing before H" on Yom HaDin asking for a good year for myself, my family and all of Klal Yisroel clean from a 90 day streak!!! What greater power will my tefillos have and how much more likely that they will be answered LeToiva.

90 days always seemed such a long way away before, but I realise now that I might, just might be able to do it.

Just one day at a time dear Lord, just one day at a time!

Kol Tuv

Haleivi

Rabboisai,

Sorry that I have not posted for a while - I have been so busy with living that I have not had time for the computer!

(In fairness, perhaps I should have posted this in the "What works for me" forum cos it's the best idea I have had for a while ;-)

I wanted to let you know that I feel I have matured slightly through this process. When I got started, I thought it was a war that I had to fight; with myself, with the Yetz, with my eyes, with the streets with everything really. I thought it was a war that I had to fight and had to win and either I'd get it beat, or it would beat me. Now I realise that it is not like that at all. It's more of a lifelong struggle and you are always winning small wins, or losing little losses and each one takes you nearer or further from your goal.

I'm please I have realised this, because it helps to undestand that this is NOT all or nothing. You can slip or fall and it does not mean you are condemned to Gehinom forever.

I think it is quite important as part of this process to do a regular Cheshbon Hanefesh, really honest, long hard look at oneself and analyse what direction we are headed in. That is the key, the direction. As long as over a period of time (a week, a month or whatever) the general trend is getting stronger, improving, being cleaner - that is what counts and to a certain extent it is best to ignore the slips and falls along the way.

Any case, got to get back to work, but I just wanted to share that with you all,

Kol tuv,

Haleivi

Haleivi76, Have you maybe gone to another board?  Haleivi, my friend, my chavrusa, Please, let me know you're ok.  I don't care about slips or falls.  Nothing could matter to me but that you are physically ok, and will come back and post.  I always look for your posts, as they are always from the heart and filled with insight.

Please just check in.  I'm going to go look at all the other boards for you.

My dear 1daat,

I am so touched by your concern.

Fortunately, my silence is not down to slips and falls or embarrasment, but purely due to being so incredibly busy that I have not had pause for breath! I have been in the process of organising a shul event which took place yesterday - I had no idea it would involve so much work!

My efforts on Shmiras Habris have continued going strong B"H, Shmiras Einayim - on the streets has proven to continue to be a challenge, but I feel that this aspect is a much longer term objective as it seems to be a more constant and enduring battle. Every day, one has to be a little smarter, develop new and more comprehensive tactics to guarding what you see. I think that for some it may be a little easier - Jooboy has told me that with his bad eyesight, all he needs to do is remove his spectacles and all of the Y"H of the streets disappears in an instant, but not all of us can do the same!

I have continued reading the Chizuk E-mails which I find tremendously helpful and with each passing day on the journey to 90 I get more and more inspired with what I and others on here are achieving. I can barely believe that I have made (and surpassed) the half way mark - I never thought I would if I'm honest, but now I am determined to push on and hit the 90. I wonder whether the challenges will start again when I hit that milestone and the euphoria of the achievement dies down. Maybe I will need to learn new techniques for coping beyond that point.

For now I would like to send out a big hug to all my brothers here and a brocha to have a fabulous day - wherever you are and whatever you are doing. Remember that we are but a few short weeks away from Rosh Hashanaand Yom HaDin Hagodol and how tremendous it will be (for many of us for the first time as far back as we can remember) to be able to stand before Hashem as a true Ben Aliyah and get a judgement based on some real progress rather than the same old breast beating in the knowledge that the next day or the day after we will most likely fall again.

Kol tuv

Haleivi76

B"H

Where's Bard?  I need a truck.  No, I mean I need a schnaps.  I'm happy.  What did I just say!  "I'm Happy".  No end of miracles.  I'm happy. 

So, of course I have to analyze that...Why am I happy.  Because my friend and brother is well and clean and happy, and made a shul event happen.  Also, I am happy because I am happy that someone else is well.  So for real, this time, Be"H, it's about somebody besides Mr. It's-all-about-me. 

Has anybody seen Reb Bard????

I don't know.

I can't be sure.

But I think I saw the Bard driving the wrong way down the motorway in his 18 wheeler, with a bottle of Oychentoshan in his hand and Avromi Fried playing full balst from his CD player!!!

I know he is out there, dreaming of Cholint and always on his way to a farbrengen. I'm not at all worried about him!!!

1daat, I am so honoured that you care so deeply. I'm not surprised mind you. You have made such great leaps and bounds and care far less about yourself it seems than you care about the brethren on GYE. Always looking out for your friends. Stop with the 'it's all about me' already. Noone here sees you that way. You are a heilige neshome and that is for sure. Chazak Ve'Ematz my friend.

If I make it through Thursday, I will be Level 5. 5!!!! When did that happen?

Thanks to everyone - you are all amazing.

Kol tuv

Haleivi76

Haleivi76 wrote on 16 Jul 2010 09:42:


THAT'S what we're trying to do.  Mature.

You're definitely on the right track.

  --Eye.

Haleivi76 wrote on 27 Jul 2010 06:39:


You have no idea how hard I'm laughing.  The whole time to get the quote up and now, I'm still shaking away laughing at this.  Oy, to have such a friend.  Thank you. Just re-read what you wrote.  I'm in tears again.  It feels so good to laugh!  So maybe this is part of what Hashem has always had in store for me--to laugh a good laugh with a good friend. 

Haleivi76 wrote on 09 Jul 2010 12:35:


This goes all the way back to July 9. 

Sometimes I go into the bathroom and, befuddled, ask myself, "Now what did I come in here for?" It happens.  Now....What was i going to say?

Haleivi, I was re-reading your thread, and I didn't remember this post.  Maybe I never responded???  "Ahd seyvah Ahnee esbohl".  Nu so, what about the memory?? Oh, I do my "m'odecha" and You'll do Yours???

I'm sorry to have overlooked such an important post. Such a beautiful post.  Such a Haleivi post through and through.  Maybe we'll both be stroking our beards, and differences in age will have long been forgotten in the span of Eternity, and we'll just be smiling and banging away at some piece of Gemara, having the time of our lives.

I do not think it impossible that we might someday know each other in this life.  My experience is that in some way you are important to my coming closer to Hashem, to my staying clean, and to my learning Torah, in the broadest meaning.  This is a powerful thing. It has Hashem's "thumbprint" on it. 

Back to the present...

Haleivi76 wrote on 27 Jul 2010 06:39:


You are so right.  I have to be very careful about, as Briut put it to me, "doing  lashon hora on myself".  I think that I have the idea that if I don't keep reminding myself of the damage I've done, that I'll lose my groundedness in the reality that I'm an addict, that I'll forget.  So I'm using my will to never forget.  What a yetzer trick.  It'll do anything to keep me focused on the problem rather than living in the solution.

And besides, like you said, "it's enough already".  Thanks

Level 4!  30+ days.  Read Ashrei slow!  You, your posts, are an inspiration to all of us.  It's so true for me, and from all the guys who also say so to you.  Such a  blessing you bring us all.

Nu, Coiach L'coiach.  When we get to 90 we'll hunt down Bard and pass the l'chaims around, and farbrengin till dawn, and then daven Shacharis all together, hundreds, thousands of us, Guard as Baal Koireh.  Maybe we'll make it on a Shabbos and we'll get aliyos.  You first.

Bards is here

Watching his eyes

Try tryin trying

I do miss some of the old chevra. Like rage and efshar

But I wasn't drinkig ashtoshosatenN it was non alcoholic woodford

It WAS freid I was listening Yankel Yankel!!!!

KEEP ON TRUCKING

If u are looking for me drop me a line on bardichevs battle

B

Update Everyone!

If I make it through the rest of today, I will be Level 5!!!!

Wow! 50 days. Where has the time gone?

Thank You H" and everyone on here for your help and support.

Got to run - there's Mitzvos waiting......

Mazel Tov!
Thanks so much for sharing.  You are such an inspiration. And I really want to thank you again for your chizuk at the beginning of the week.  I hope one day to make it 50 just like you.

oh, by the way, any suggestions on a name for me?

-DC

gnikcurt no peek