My friends,

I have just joined this group. I heard about it in a shiur last night and could not wait to join up.

I am so ashamed. At times I cry myself to sleep over my behaviour and feel so depressed at the terrible person and jew that I have been for so long.

Despite my shame, it has been so easy to carry on a life as a lie, because noone knows. People who come across me in shul, shiurim etc. think I am a great guy, frum and well respected in the community. I am part of the lay leadership of my shul, daven from the amud and lain and all who know me think I am an upstanding good jew.

If only they knew.

I have been abusing my bris for as long as I can remember. At times, when I have felt bad enough, I have tried to control it. Perhaps I managed a month or 2 at a time at the most, but have always gone back to it. I have been addicted to internet porn, phone chatlines and the like for well over 10 yrs and have been married for 8yrs.

To my great great shame whilst being married, I have continued this lewd behaviour and worse still at times where my wife and I have argued, I have purposely done it more; feeling rebellious towards her and seeking to 'punish' her for being so 'difficult'.

It has taken me a long long time to realise that it is I that am to blame and that my awful behaviour and the resulting lack of intimacy and holiness in our marriage is what has been to blame for the deterioration of our marriage.

I am just starting out on the road to holiness and feel that I have so much to be Metaken, the burden of it all is overwhelming me.

I am determined to stay strong, but I feel I will need a lot of help from others who are going through/have been through the same.

Any advice and guidance will be welcomed.

Thanks and kol tuv

Haleivi

Dear Halevy,

I am the admin of this forum. Welcome to our community!

Scientific studies have shown that it takes 90 days to change a neural thought pattern that was ingrained in the brain through addictive behaviors. Did you join the 90 day chart on-line? Sign up over here...

Make sure to install a strong filter. It will be almost impossible to break free of this while having all the garbage within a mouse click away. See this page for one good filter option, along with instructions on how to install it best - and give away the password to our "filter Gabai"... See this page for another 20 (or so) filter ideas and information...

We get cries for help every day, by e-mail and on the forum. Tzuras Rabim Chatzi Nechama    And that is why we created the GYE handbooks (links below). If you read them well, from beginning to end, slowly, and try to implement what you read, you will find the answers within them to enable you to completely turn your life around. You're worth it.

Also, join the daily Chizuk e-mail lists to get fresh chizuk every day, and post away on this forum. You will get tons of daily Chizuk and support. This disease can't be beat alone. It works best when you get out of isolation!

GuardYourEyes also offers various free anonymous phone conferences, where you can join a group of other frum Yidden, along with an experienced sponsor. See this page for four different options. Our conferences are taking place daily, throughout the week... This would be a tremendous step in the right direction for you and help you learn freedom from this addiction. Not only will you learn the secret of the 12-Steps - which is known to be the world's most powerful program for beating addiction having helped millions world wide, but joining the group will be another way of GETTING OUT OF ISOLATION and connecting with others who are going through what you are.

One of our goals on GYE is to help people "hit bottom while still on top" so they will take recovery seriously. To explain better what I mean, please see this page. If you're here, it means you're already taking serious steps in recovery, so keep up the good work!

Let me tell you a little about the two GuardYourEyes handbooks. The lay down the cornerstone of all our work at GuardYourEyes. Before the GYE handbook people would often get "lost" when coming to our website, not knowing what tips and techniques to try. For example, someone with a low level addiction wouldn't jump straight into therapy or 12-Step groups, while someone whose addiction was more advanced wouldn't be helped by the standard tips of "making fences", putting in filters etc... For the first time ever, this handbook details all the techniques and tools dealing with this addiction in progressive order. Now, anyone can read it through and see what steps they've tried already, and if those steps haven't worked, they can continue on through the handbook to the next tools, as the suggestions become progressively more "addiction-oriented".

We suggest printing out the handbooks and reading it them at least once. Then, we suggest going back and reading them again slowly on the computer, and this time pressing on the many links that are found in the different articles.

And the second handbook, called the "Attitude" handbook, can also help anyone, no matter what level of addiction they may have. Often people write in to us saying that had they only known the proper outlook & attitude that we try and share on the GuardYourEyes network when they were younger, they would have never fallen into an addiction in the first place! So we hope that through this handbook, many addictions will be prevented.

The handbooks are PDF files, set up as eBooks, and they have bookmarks and hyper-links in the Index, to make them easy to navigate.

Right click on the links below and select "Save Link/Target As" to download the handbooks to your computer.

1) The GuardYourEyes Handbook
This Handbook details 18 suggested tools and techniques, in progressive order, beginning with the most basic and fundamental approaches to dealing with this addiction, and continuing down through increasingly earnest and powerful methods. For the first time, we can gauge our level of addiction and find the appropriate tools for our particular situation. And no matter what level our addiction may have advanced to, we will be able to find the right tools to break free in this handbook!

2) The GuardYourEyes Attitude
The Attitude Handbook details 30 basic principles to help us maintain the proper attitude and perspective on this struggle. Here are some examples: Understanding what we are up against, what it is that Hashem wants from us, how we can use this struggle for tremendous growth, how we can deal with bad thoughts, discovering how to redirect the power of our souls, understanding that every little bit counts, learning how to bounce back up after a fall, and so on and so forth...

May Hashem be with you!

Haleivi76 wrote on 10 Jun 2010 09:21:


THAT is already a great start!

Welcome to the forum, Haleivi.

One thing that will help--FORGET ABOUT ALL THIS SHAME!!!  It's not going to help you to dwell on it; it will only drag you down more.

First of all, try focusing on what you can do to make things better.

There's nothing wrong with you.  You're a great guy.  We're in the most trying generation ever; impurity is in the air.

But, stick with this forum, and you're on the way to recovery.

good luck,

  --Eye.

Eye,

Many thanks for your kind words.

I'm sure that you can realise that for someone that has just 'woken up' to the fact that they have a problem, shame is a feeling that is very hard to avoid, but I will try.

I'm grateful for your support. Even just knowing that there are people out there who understand and are not judgemental is a tremendous help.

I think for us married guys, the shame is greater. A single bochur who misbehaves only lets himself down; if he can 'sort himself out' before he starts shidduch dating, he will BE'H be OK, but a married guy who misbehaves lets down himself, his wife and his children (if he has any) and he risks much more, to lose his family. The fact that he has given in to his lustful desires despite knowing that creates a lot of shame - I should know.

Anyway, really excited about being part of this group.

I can't wait to start the 90 day plan, I hope I finish and go beyond Mi Chayil el Chayil.

Thanks again

Haleivi

Haleivi76, I'm with you.  If you hadn't put your name on your posts you could have been writing about me (except I don't lain, and out of guilt, I am at times reluctant to daven for the amud).  I am new to the site and I have the same high hopes that you do.  What I can assure you is that 12-step programs in general really work, the handbook with all of its ideas and eitzas only improves on the traditional program, and we have the important additional assurance that Haba L'Taher Misyamim Lo Min Hashmoyim.  I wish you much Hatzlacha and I hope to be right there alongside you in the recovery journey.  With respect to the shame aspect the following shuir from Rabbi Reisman is a must listen to:  www.guardureyes.com/GUE/Music/mus/ShiurYesodos.mp3.   

Thanks Yurojew,

I will listen to that shiur when I get a chance.

I have to say that one thing that I feel could really help is to have a 'buddy' that is in this with you so that you can bounce ideas off each other and help each other out. Perhaps when we reach significant milestones, we can drink L'chaim together knowing how far we have both come. I know everyone on GYE is 'in it' together, but to have someone that is specifically linked to, and helping you personally, I think it would be amazing, especially if it someone who has a similar 'story' who will understand.

What are your thoughts?

Welcome Haleivi, First, you are not a bad Jew.  Hashem did not make T'shuvah, before Torah for the zaddik gamur.  He made it for us, struggling yiddin, who love H", and long for Him with such ferocity that we cry ourselves to sleep sometimes.

Next, you will learn here that Hashem does not negate a mitzvah for an aveira.  Keep on being frum.  It matters.

Finally, I just learned these the other day and they've really helped me:  1)  talk to Hashem all day long.  About the littlest things--Thank you H" for my forgetting my tallis zekl so I could ask another ballebat to borrow his tfilin, humble myself and give the other guy the opportunity to do a great mitzvah.  Thank you for the smile the boss gave me.  All day long, just talk to him.  2) watch for Hashgach pratis all day long, the little tiny ones. 3) I post a lot.  One of my biggest problems has been the big secret/lie.  So I post a lot to constantly know I'm not alone, and that other guys care in a big unselfish way that I be clean, bright and shiny.

You have taken such an enormous step by joining our most earnest group of G-d fearing and G-d loving Yiddin.  I'll be checking in with you (b'li neder).  You are off to a great, sincere start, that was difficult to make.  Hashem made us with imperfections so we could know T'shuva and the sweet suffering and joy that goes with it.

mazel tov.  Coiach L' coiach.

1daat wrote on 10 Jun 2010 15:41:

Yup. Me, too. Nuthin' else to say. Welcome aboard.

You are not alone, there are a bunch of us out here all with one common goal…..Kedusha more and more of it.
Glad to have you on board.

Haleivi76 wrote on 10 Jun 2010 12:54:


Understands... and has been there... and just a little further along in recovery than you.

And, "waking up" to the problem is a huge blessing--it's the first step to recovery.  We don't recover as long as we think nothing is wrong.

All the best,

  --Eye.

welcome abord

keep on lorrying (yiou must me englush if you say whilst)

bards

Hey, I sent you an email.  if it didn't get there, let me know.  let's stay in touch.  Major step joining.  gotta run

Hey Halevi,

"I have to say that one thing that I feel could really help is to have a 'buddy' that is in this with you so that you can bounce ideas off each other and help each other out. Perhaps when we reach significant milestones, we can drink L'chaim together knowing how far we have both come. I know everyone on GYE is 'in it' together, but to have someone that is specifically linked to, and helping you personally, I think it would be amazing, especially if it someone who has a similar 'story' who will understand."

The only consideration I have about the possibility of being buddies is just exactly what kind of L'chaim do you like.  Somehow we've been in contact a lot.  Not by accident, eh.  So let's be buddies.  I'll check in with you a lot, and count on you doing the same.

I am 13 days clean.  Sunday's probably going to be rocky.  I'll try you then.  I'm out of town and without a computer (BH") till Sunday night.

Gooten Shabbos.

Let's go for 90 one day at a time.  Tatti, Tatti, just for today, PLEASE.

Wow!!

Thanks to all who have replied.

Bards - You got it in one, I am English, should have mentioned that before - means I am a few hours ahead of you guys, so 1daat and Yurojew I will be sending you PM's shortly, but please bear in mind that you will need to be a little patient with me as when you message me afternoon/night time, I am unlikely to be able to respond until the next day.

I am proud to say that I am 1 day clean!!! Seems so pathetic to be proud of that but anyway, I made it and it wasn't easy, so here's to today. IY'H I will be able to start the 90 day program on Sunday when I get to 3 days.

Please H" help me make it through today and this weekend.

Thanks guys for all your help

Haleivi

PS Talking of L'chaims - my favourite tipple is single malt - I'm quite liking Lagavulin 16 yr at the moment.

Dear fellow yid:

  You will find that in this struggle, the way to stay afloat, and live.....is all based upon your perspective.
  If you have just "woken up" to the fact that you have a probem, then I say to you Boker Tov! If you have woken up, this is truly a tremendous chessed from Hashem. To be spiritualy asleep all of our lives, and thinking that we are awake...THIS is what should produce the feelings of shame that you say you are feeling.
  Who is that make the bracha each moring in Birchas Hashachar... Asher Nasan Lasechvi vina... (It is someone like YOU, and "ME", who have awakened from our slumber, Hashem gives to US this Bracha....we are thanking him for waking us up. Because, if we didn't wake up, we would stilllllllllll be sleeping our lives away. So, you see dear friend, that fact that you have "woken up", is reason for rejoicing, and Simcha.
  Now, please stay here, so that you can continue to stay awake.