Hi, I'm NotGivingUpYetOldBean! and I'm not giving up yet.

I've known about GYE for about a month now and gradually started getting more into it. Just knowing there was a community of fellow religious Jewish sufferers was an amazing chiddush and very liberating. However, I have discovered over the last month (well, I knew all along I suppose), that the only way I'm going to get well is to use this site properly. That means, read all the handbooks, the 90 day chart, the lot. I've read the attitude handbook, but I need to re-read it and read the tools handbook too.

In terms of emotions, I'm feeling pretty unemotional at the moment, although I've been quite up and down lately. I had a fall today. (Averaging one every one to two weeks at the moment, sadly.) Since I now know about this fabulous site, the hangout for Jewish Super Heros, I realised that in terms of Teshuva, I just have to do this properly and so now I'm on the wagon. I have no more excuses.

In terms of my story, I'll tell it in brief (primarily because it's half midnight here in Blightie and I'm already shattered), but I have no compunctions about candidly opening up more and more in future posts. Hope it's not to dull (-:

So, I'm 30, I'm a baal Teshuva, living in London, and I am a lust addict. (I didn't like writing that very much, but looking back, being an addict, rather than just bad, sure explains a whole lot.)

I grew up suffering from some kind of anxiety disorder and something like OCD, although it was never properly diagnosed. I had terrible depression growing up and learnt to live in a fantasy world in my head. (Not a sexual one, per se, but one really quite distinct from reality, because I so desperately needed to escape the crushing depression, anxiety and OCD, not to mention rock bottom self esteem). Although I wasn't frum yet, I always had terrible guilt associations with being moitze zera, even though I had no religious context to deal with them.

At age 18-19ish, I began getting interested in Torah, and became orthodox at university. At this point, HKB"H, through His infinite kindness, took away the OCD, which had been taking such a massive toll on every aspect of my life, but I still had lots of personality issues to deal with, including anxiety, aspects of compulsion and definitely loneliness and depression. After I graduated university, I went to a baal Teshuva Yeshiva in Israel. I had a tortuous first year, and finally opened up to my Rosh Yeshiva about the being moitzi zera. He put me in touch with a therapist and for the first time, I dealt, Thank G-d, with a whole lot of issues, gained a lot of tools and a lot of self knowledge.

After a couple of years in Israel, I came back to look for a job. I still had anxiety issues, made worse by being fired from my first job after two weeks. I was also very lonely, and desperate to get married, but felt like no matter how much I grew or how much further along I progressed in life, finding my zivug never seemed to get any closer. I wasn't ever able to stay clean for very long, but I kept approaching it with the traditional vidui, charota, kabala l'osid style teshuva. (Only problem - I never had a kabala l'osid.) I'm not trying to say that my anxiety was making me masturbate. I am sure that the need to feel loved and accepted and to escape the cold winds of life outside my head were all drivers - sometimes it was emotional, sometimes physical. But I suppose, looking back, it was also an addiction, and I just didn't have a way of escaping the addiction, irrespective of the other issues. After all, I have a job and I'm married now, and whilst I've enjoyed the longest clean periods of my life since becoming a husband, I've still been nichshal plenty of times, R"L.

Areas where the anxiety didn't help, though, were things like finding out about the neshamos that the hotzaas zera brings down, and not having anybody to talk to about it, or any proper context with how to deal with it. (Until reading the attitudes handbook, that is.)

I got married just under four years ago, and although my wife knew I had had a "little bit of a problem", we just went vaater, and for most of the first year, like I said, I actually stayed pretty clean. Over time, however, it gradually got more shvach, and of late, it's been really shvach. The worst part of it, was that my wife and I suffered two miscarriages after our son was born, and immediately proceeding both of them was a nasty fall. You can imagine how this made me feel.

As my general behaviour below the waste got worse, I was beginning to fall into a despair about what to do. Then Hashem sent me GYE and here I is.

The truth be told, I've actually had it remarkably easy, Thank G-d. Having read other people's stories, I realise that my challenges have been mild by comparison to some. But issurim are still issurim and will still wreck a person's Neshama and I want to hit rock bottom without getting myself into any more trouble! Porn really hasn't been an issue for me particularly. Before I was frum, I don't remember really indulging in porn, and since I got frum about 11 years ago, I've probably looked where I wasn't supposed to only two or three times. The last time, however, was this year, and I don't know why I did it, but I looked at much harder core stuff, including videos, albeit very briefly. That gave me such a shock (both at myself for what I had done, and from what I had seen), that I decided there and then I had to get Web Chaver installed, which, again through pure Chessed Hashem, after a month or so, my wife agreed to Web Chaver (she didn't know about the recent bad behaviour), because she thought she was wasting too much time on online games! With Web Chaver in place, I don't have any easy access to online porn anymore, but the problem is, I don't tend to need external stimulation for being motzei zera, my imagination is far too well practised and far too creative.

Also, an area where I am immensely fortunate is that my wife does kinda know about this site, and what it's about (and is actually pretty sympathetic). She doesn't know the knitty gritty, and hasn't read any of the posts as far as I know, but she knows it's something that I've struggled with. I don't make a point of telling her each and every time I've been nichshal, and I'm not sure what kind of picture she has of it, but we have briefly discussed the problem, and the site. I know it hurts her, still )-:

So, this's where I am at the moment. OK, so it wasn't such a brief story, and now it's almost half past one in the morning. I hope my first post isn't too long for people.

If it's okay - I'd like to ask for some seasoned advice from the giants here on this forum - one of my challenges I foresee will be getting access to the forum throughout the week. There's no way I'd be able to get away with using this site on my PC at work, and I have very little time outside of work, with learning, davening, studying for a certification exam, searching for a new job etc.

I have an anonymous e-mail address, but I don't have an easy way of accessing it throughout the week. I don't have internet on my phone, or the money to buy something that does. (Besides, having internet on a phone, without Web Chaver or K9 would not be a generally advisable thing.)

Sof sof, I'm here now, and I hope I'll work things out and I'll begin my journey to being clean and pure. I also hope future posts'll be a lot shorter. (Prolly cos it so late, right? :-)

Zie gezunt,

NotGivingUpYetOldBean! signing out.

wow!!

inspirational story you have there mate!!

im no way near the level of the gedolim here on gye, and im sure that theyll be commenting soon!!

all i want to say is welcome to the yourney friend!! as im sure you know its long bumpy and hard but your here now and were in it, to win it, together!!

as a fellow londer im here probably the more acessible hours of the day to you so if you need any advice or help BEZZRAT HASHEM im here to help!

remeber iuse w=the website Hashem has given you, could there be a more direct way of him telling you

"my dear NGUYOB its time to stop!"

see you mate and welcome!!

NotGivingUpYetOldBean! wrote on 03 Jun 2010 00:40:


Jewish Superheros you say? well there is no doubt you found them! i mean look you have a jewish squirrel who is 6'2 and a superhero, any way, like Jamie i am not like any of the gedolim on GYE but i am positive you came to the right place so many people are being helped here! a recommendation i can make are to post a lot! It is one of the best things you can do, ask questions give input and it will help more than you think it would!

That was some post ! You've certainly been through a lot.

I don't have any specific advice (nor am I one of the giants here), but I just wanted to say hello and welcome you.

The admin usually welcomes new people too, but this week he's on a special mission for GYE, so here's a link to a typical welcome message, which contains lots of great tips:
www.guardyoureyes.org/forum/index.php?topic=2317.msg64898#msg64898

Just popping in to say hello & to say that I am not a giant either - yet. I hope to be someday.

i just realized that my other reply made a new thread and thats what you and bards responded to  :-[ my bad.

i guess i'll welcome you here to. I am also just a simple Yid, not a godol of GUE, but welcome nonetheless

i think we need a giant to comment, guard? dov? bard? bruit?(im sure ive left lots of people out, sorry)

keep on going mate!!

also the main admin, guard would send you avery helpful chizuk email with lots of steps and advce for when you first join, but hes away raising money for the site, i can see youve learnty your way very well round the site but it helps so maybe check it out on my wall, its the first post i got...

NotGivingUpYetOldBean! wrote on 03 Jun 2010 00:40:

Wow. Welcome aboard. I’m also waiting for some giants on the site to pop  in – to this thread and to my own – but in the meantime you’ll have to settle for just another member of the chevra.

I’m seeing three themes in what you posted.

First, some “baggage” in your past that still leaves some issues in your present, including some issues with what I’d call “acting out.” Well, buddy, welcome to the club; you’ll feel right at home; you might even find someone who’s “been there, done that, bought the t-shirt.” So keep posting more about your story, what you’ve learned, what you’re facing now, and see where that takes you.

Second, that you see many brochos in your life. BORUCH HASHEM, YOU HAVE THEM, AND BORUCH HASHEM THAT YOU SEE THEM. None of us (except maybe those elusive Giants) can reach the pinnacle of “it’s all good, all the time, it’s all from Hashem” but you are clearly several steps down that road. THAT, my dear boy, is what’s gonna keep you alive and kicking through whatever work you choose to take on during your stay here. I’d suggest making a list (checking it twice? Naughty/nice? No no no, wrong list!) and reviewing it whenever you get "down." Think, for example, how many folks here would do ANYTHING to find their bashert, to be able to connect with a bashert enough to say they’re on this site, and for it to be alright, etc. You have no idea how I’ll bet some guys here would cry for that.

Third, the logistics of staying in touch. I admire you for saying that you wouldn’t use the work computer for that. Not just because I agree it’s a little “yuk” to do so (most businesses can easily track an employee’s surfing habits – duh!), but because it’s geneiva to steal time or resources from a boss. I don’t frankly understand how taking “just a coffee break” to surf here will bring any benefit: it’s stemming from an aveira. But then, I shouldn’t judge other people’s offices – each situation could be different. You might want to have a fixed time to check in; you might want to find private email addresses or “confidential phone numbers” of members , or depending on what kinds of filters and gedarim you have in place, you could even set the site to email you (or perhaps txt you; I’m not sure) when stuff comes in on your thread.

Anyhow, you already seem to know there are handbooks and email lists and 12-step calls and all that stuff. I don’t know what will “speak” to you (I hope not everything, unless this is your full-time job). That, said the Good Witch to Dorothy, is something you’ll just have to figure out for yourself.

Hope that helps.

I happen not to be a godol either, not from THIS site I'm not.  I'm the giant guy the miraglim told you about.  You know, the guy that was hangin out at the gates, pickin his nose, burping.  Yep that's me.  The jolly green godol.  So you think being a giant helped me any in the face of Hashem's warriors!!  They took no prisoners (I hid in the toilet).

But in here, I'm just another ger trying to do T'shuvah.  You, however, YOU are the godol. Look at you... You survived childhood!  You're married!, with a child!!!, with a job (you, I mean, YOU are the one with the job, not the child.  This is not a time for choisik).  Do you realize you are so blessed to be able to read a page of Torah or Talmud, to daven three times, four times including mitah.  Do you know how many seminars and conferences and this money scam and that hustle are all selling the G-d experience, and you, you giant, you get to stand before Him, close up and personal, not once in a lifetime, not just on your deathbed, but every single day!!! YOU GODOL YOU!!!  Now as if all of those weren't enough credentials to establish your giantness, notice, notice well...YOU MADE IT HERE, TO GUE.  NOT ONLY ARE YOU A GIANT AMONG MEN, YOU ARE A CHACHAM AMONGST SOME OF THE GREATEST TALMIDEI CHACHAMIM LIVING TODAY. 

Bard, Dov, Briut, Guard, Silent, find him a Godol, will you please.  Hello, we need a godol to the fourth floor, please, plumbing supplies.

Good Shabbos.  May Malachei Ha'sharet bring your little family shalom bais like you've only dreamed of. 

Hey guys,

Thanks so much for taking the time to post and be in touch.

I find it a challenge to keep up with the traffic in this board, let alone the whole forum! And with the married guy's forum as well, and the WOH and everything else, it's more that a little overwhelming!




I truly am fortunate. We've all got our own peklach, but I do see that I have a great deal to be thankful for. I have often thought that if it wasn't for all the jealousies - friend's with bigger apartments, with houses, with more children, with better jobs and more money, with better midos and a better learning skills etc... then I'd be knocked out silly with bliss for all the brocha and beauty I have. It's only the soton thrusting kina in my face that makes me look past the beauty and that HKB"H always gives us exactly what we need. What can you do? (Actually, I suppose there's quite a lot I can do. Learn mussar, notice our blessings :-)




Actually, in terms of g'neiva, the dynamics in my office are more than a little heimish, and we do get time to surf... but the yuk aspect. Deffo.

I really appreciate your encouragement and concern. Thanks so much!




I've read your thread, so there's no self deprecation allowed! Everything you said about me - right back atya (as they say).
None of us know where we are really holding, but as Dovid Hamelech says - "Ki ayn bamoves zichrecha, bishoil, mi yoideh lach". Listen 1daat, so long as you are trying to overcome this nasayon (and why are you trying after all? You're not doing it for me. You're not doing it for Mau Tzi Tung. You're doing it for Hakodesh Boruch Hu and no-one else), then you are a yiras somayim and you are dedicating your life for avoidos Hashem. Full stop! (That's English for period). What else is there to say. Can you imagine the nachas you give to Hashem? After however long of being held prisoner by your yetzer hora, now you are courageously fighting back - lishmoh! For Hashem! Because you love Hashem and fear Hashem and you want to do the right thing. And you are doing the right thing! There is as much room for self depreciation in your life now, as there is for a small grand piano and accompanying maestro, 8:15 on a Monday morning in tube train carriage at Kings Cross St Pancras Northern Line Branch. That is to say - not very much.

Don't think about where you are or where you have to get to. Think about what you're doing and why. That's why you are a godol. Jolly you may be. Green you ain't (-:




Hi Jamie.

It may work out very well if we could be in touch. I still need a partner to panic down the line to when my lust type thoughts go into overdrive.

Thanks.

And thanks everyone!

Hope you'll see lots more of me.

NGUYOB!

Hi Y'all.

As of this Moitzie Shabbos, I was 3 days clean and hope today will be my fourth. As such, I am going to start my 90 day journal and keep up the tahara, Bezras H'.

After my initial declaration "I am a lust addict", I had something of an emotional backlash, and started feeling very dirty and humiliated. I'd never labelled myself like that before and although it didn't hurt at first, it hurt at second. That's really the reason I didn't sign up for everything at once. I wanted to do it myself. Make believe I didn't have such a big problem. Be "healthy and normal" like everyone else. But even with all that, I knew it was only a matter of time. I'm not healthy and I'm not normal (at least in that sense) and I do need to be here and I certainly need you guy's help and camaraderie.

Now the backlash has faded away, I feel fine. This is who I am. I suddenly find myself surrounded by a fine bunch of upstanding menshen who know what it is to deal with these aveiros and who come together here to work together, and prevail over them.

I never saw any of you as the way I felt about myself. As I begin to identify more with y'all, I feel better about myself too.

I am still feeling around this site and I am still overwhelmed with just how much there is to keep up with. Between davening, work, learning and family time, I have kemat no time to be on this site besides the time I steal from other things, like studying for my exam!

Anyway, I read some of the tools handbook on leil Shabbos, before falling asleep on the couch. I really need to work on that some more. And re-read attitudes.

Hope all are well.

See you all soon. Or at least later.

Zie gezunt,

NGUYOB!

wow...cheers!
i love to be your partner...i never thought about that, but today was my first fall since joining 20 days ago, longest ever run, so im up for anything to save me and help me stop...how does the whole partner thing work?? alll i heard is that it helps alot!

Thanks for your holy chizuk.  I'm low but not craving.  Your post helped a lot.  A LOT.  You are honest and plainspoken and know the longing in your neshamah.  Be"H we're going to make it to tomorrow.  Just to tomorrow.  You, me, and the whole klal.  Everyone.  Just till tomorrow.  That's me talking to me, too.www.guardyoureyes.org/forum/Smileys/default/huh.gif

Hey NotGivingUpYetOldBean,

"Can you imagine the nachas you give to Hashem? After however long of being held prisoner by your yetzer hora, now you are courageously fighting back - lishmoh! For Hashem! Because you love Hashem and fear Hashem and you want to do the right thing. And you are doing the right thing!"

This meant so much to me.  I read it a few times.  "That's not me!"  "Who's he talking about?"  And then, "Ahhh, ooohh, mmhmm, I see, yes, oh, ok, ok."  "lishmoh" nailed it for me.  Thanks, again.

"There is as much room for self depreciation in your life now, as there is for a small grand piano and accompanying maestro, 8:15 on a Monday morning in tube train carriage at Kings Cross St Pancras Northern Line Branch."

Lol.  But I also got the part about there being no more room for self deprecation.


So, nu, how's it going?  I understand you don't have ready access to a puter.  Whenever it works.  I'm here and cheering.  Chozok l'chozok.

Hey NGUYOld Bean,  Miss you.  No matter what.  C'mon back.  Check in.  How ya doing?