B''H

This is a little different.  I am a 21 year old male who is undergoing an Orthodox conversion at the moment.  I was not born Jewish but have chosen both the Jewish people to be my people, and HaShem's Torah to be my life.  With that said, all is not bright on my end.  The closer I get to the mikvah, the more and more tests and stress I am dealing with.

I struggled with P and M since I was 14 and thought I overcame it last year.  In fact I was going a year and a half strong.  Then I was struck with tragedy.  I was being semi-disowned by my parents because of me converting, my father was not doing to well because of illness (and my conversion is not helping it), my brother did not speak to me, and being away at college was living in a house with none-religious guys who all they talked about was women and had parties.  To top it off, my grades were suffering.  I somehow fell into the sick spiral once again and a cycle I thought I broke had broken me once again.  I made a covenant with HaShem that I would never engage in such behavior again and study Torah everyday.  Well, the stress of dealing with my parents rejection took a huge chunk of my emotional energy away and I broke my covenant with G-d and my Torah study and prayer life are suffering so much! 

I am so confused and do not know what to do anymore!!!  I feel so weak and am so ashamed.  How can I pray to G-d when I continually turn my back on Him?  I love G-d's Torah soooo much, but I am violating it continually with this garbage!  I don't want to be a thorn in Israel's side, but want to be a holy Jew.  I don't want G-d to punish my kids for my idiocy and stupidity and lack of judgment.  :'(  No one understands what I am going through as my non-Jewish peers think I am crazy for even thinking of Judaism.  They continually tell me I will never be a Jew so stop posing as one.  The yetzer is throwing punches at me from left to right and I am on the ground being beaten.  I am in an abyss right now with no help.  I can not even tell my Rabbi because I am so ashamed of myself for falling back into this cycle!

Please do not reject me because I need help.  The thing that really helped me survive over a year and a half was swimming.  It kept my mind clean and my hormonal outbursts were kept in check-swimming takes the wind out of you-!

Shalom

Hi,

first welcome. From all my heart I wish you strength and wisdom in your struggle. I am also new here, I have been an m and s addict for 20 years, today I am clean, today I try with all my power.
I think you made a big step to come closer to Hashem, because  you want a religious life. I think everybody here is trying the same.
But I am sure others here can say so much more.

Yehoshua

Hey there, welcome to the forum!

Nobody would ever consider rejecting you, you're obviously a very sincere person, and if you're here looking to improve - that shows your trying to do whatever you can.

First of all, I can say I understand your turmoil, it's not just you who's going through this, it's every serious person in our generation which is so infested with filth. We all made a promise to G-d, and we all are currently experiencing difficulty keeping to it.


.... yeah, I used to beat myself up with that line obsessively. But ultimately I realized the real 'betrayal' was not 'losing my sense of logic and doing something stupid'. It was much deeper than that. All along there was an underlying cause I was simply unaware of.

I have two pieces of advice for you.
1) Mention to your Rabbi that you struggle with these things, and that your willing to do anything to cure it. He might have some good advice or know someone who does.
2) NEVER let the good be affected by the not so good. All because you have not yet been successful in your service of G-d in one area, that's not a reason to slack off in other areas. On the contrary, at times the only way we can deal with our falls is by doing a little extra Torah, or accepting a little something on ourselves from then on.

I have a very good feeling about your whole story. You sound like a person we would be proud of to have as one of us. You just gotta ride out the tough parts in life. In the end - it all turns out for the best.

Hang in there!!

FMS,

Welcome!
Not really so different. May look like it, but not really.
You will not be rejected here, only welcomed with open arms.
Heed the advice you receive here, look around for some more and keep on working on this. Easy, this is not meant to be, but you have chosen a path and HKB"H will help you along.

Can someone please find the link to another member who recently signed up and was also going through conversion? I want this guy to read the responses there... Maybe they can get in touch and help each other too!  :D

www.guardyoureyes.org/forum/index.php?topic=1896.0

www.guardyoureyes.org/forum/index.php?topic=2278.0

Don't give up. Hashem has giving you this predicament because he knows that you will be able to overcome it. Persistence is key and b'ezras hashem all in life will work out for you!

Kollel Guy wrote on 19 May 2010 23:33:

I concur fully. Consider continuing on this path of opening up to safe people, and go to any lengths to get the help you need.
I wonder why you are associating with the naysayers at all, and why you have not been able to tell your rabbi about this yet. He may not have any solutions, but I guess he should be your first choice for opening up to. Well, whatever happens, my tefillos are with you, FMS!

First of all, welcome. Your desire for truth, closeness to hashem, and growth are clear, and make me honored to share a forum with you.

It sounds like, on every level, you're going through an incredibly stressful and difficult time, and through it all, you remain focused on growing, even if there have been occasional distractions. That sounds like you're doing pretty well! I can only imagine how well you'll do once you get yourself to a place of some stability, with at least a minimum of a support network!

Please don't feel guilty - feel proud of your growth, and look forward to more growth and happiness!

Oh, and yes - I would recommend speaking to your rebbe. Horrifyingly embarrassing? Yes. However, assuming that he's a wise person, it can also be a great way to open up and improve. If you read the beginning of my thread (click on the link under this post), you'll see that my journey here began with my rebbe finding out.

Hi, there. Shalom aleichem. I want you to know right away that there is hope for your situation and you are not cast off or alone.

As far as your earlier determinations to quit and subsequent fall, consider it an opportunity to learn and draw yet closer to G-d. Your past is not the end. Instead, it is a beginning. Look at these things realistically. You have an entire life ahead of you. Your desires are pure. Don't you think Hashem will continue to aid you? Of course He will. This is an opportunity for new, better perspective. You have a choice before you: either you let this ruin you or you let this refine you. Yes, refine. This experience serves to make you better. Chazal teach that a person who returns to G-d with their heart, their sins are accounted as merits.

What steps can you take? As stated above, coming here was and is a bold, courageous step. Many persons play down the gravity of those things they wrestle with. You should feel fortunate and glad that you were able to identify that these things are a problem and you have also sought out steps for remedy. That alone is a very important step. Without it, the road to recovery cannot be taken.

There is a lot of useful information here. Get acquainted with it. There are terrific people here. Post and speak your mind and heart. Not only is this forum anonymous, but the people here have a genuine desire to help. Consider yourself fortunate to have such a great resource so close by. Use it.

Do not forsake living a righteous life. Judaism is a call to a higher level, a holy level. Part of this is expressed in the mitzvos and daily ritual, which lend a Jew a holy footing in the terrain of Creation. Another part of this call to holiness is the inner journey, which can only be traversed with honesty and real effort. Don't give up on this life. Keep your eyes on righteous living, and do it. Know that G-d will help you every step of the way.

Family? I am also converting. Fortunately, I don't have any issues with family acceptance. But this is not such a difficult issue. As a general rule, with both family and friends, you should know that only frum Yidden will affirm your love for Yiddishkeit. Don't look for this type of affirmation elsewhere. You won't find it. If being a Jew is something genuine inside of you, you will have to measure your steps carefully among persons who do not affirm you in your holy endeavor. This does not mean that you should treat these persons like non-persons, but it does mean that their opinions and considerations of you should mean nothing to you. Don't be swayed by a bad report. This test recurs in all of our lives. The solution is always the same. To put our trust in G-d and not be moved by what is contrary. It takes time to mature in this, but it can most certainly be done. Another tip is to limit your loitering around persons and/ or events that don't serve any real purpose in building you up. Your time is precious. Hanging out with idlers isn't the way to go.

My apologies if I went over my time limit on this rambling thread. I am writing from my mobile phone and cannot even see everything I have written above. Hey!!! Keep your head up. Don't give up. Don't despair!! You'll see the doors opening up to better things in no time. As I mentioned, I am also converting. If you would like PM me. You are not alone. A forum and more full of people who love you say so. Oh, and HKB''H says so. 

Thanks, teshuvahilaah - that was beautiful and helped me, as well.

Shalom and thank you all for the wonderful and thought out replies.  It seems that every time I doubt myself and the future I fall back into this cycle.  This uncertainty comes from previous ideologies held that have poisoned my soul and have taken years to heal, if that makes any sense. 

Thanks again for your replies and for some of the other threads posted in here, good stuff.

Remember that we're always here for you...

Good Shabbos to you, FMS! In whatever form it takes, it is still Shabbos!