Hi
I am here for help. I am here because i'm lonely. I'm here because i cant sleep.  What should i do ?  life is too  much pressure for me.  shiduchim, society, people, too much.  Im out of sleeping pills. what now? need something to get my mind off things. 

for the first time in a while I'm dating a girl who actually likes me.  I cant masturbate while I'm dating someone. doesn't feel right. but now I cant sleep. last night I was up till 4 ( at east) I'm like a living zombie. I can no longer think coherently from lack of sleep.        Im becoming paranoid. I think everyone's talking about me. Everyone's out to get me.

I've been here before, I know. My depression can get worse, much worse. I wish I could see my shrink but I cant afford him anymore.

Whatever. Ill just announce whats going on in my life. after being rejected by 3 times in a row, by different girls. this girl wants to see me again. this one doesn't seem to have huge expectations. she's not gorgeous, although she's very charming.  Why does she want to see me again? what does she like about me? is it the fact that I'm supposed to be this brilliant learner? what if I dont stay that way.  Does she think I'm funny and personable? she doesnt' realize how depressed and reclusive i can get.  the other girls I've gone out with all liked me to begin with. but than i showed them how i can get. Just so they should know who they're dealing with.

I know eventually I'll prob scare this one off too, somehow.  question of when
oh well. I'l try sleeping now. I'l be back if not successful.  bye for now

First of all, Welcome! It's good to know that you see the issue with masturbation while you're dating. Would you consider stopping altogether? I can tell you from personal experience that trying to date while being involved in a lust-oriented life, doesn't work out well, even if you stop your lustful activities while dating. For a lot of reasons.

By the way, when it comes to dating, the key is not to find someone who thinks you're perfect - but someone who can see your good side, see the good in you, and love and respect you for that. Will you have flaws? Certainly. But your goal is to be as good a person to her as you can be. And maybe this girl sees that. Don't go out of your way to show her your issues, certainly not early on. As time goes on and she gets to know you, she'll get a picture of how you are - you don't have to go out of your way to show her your negative side.

When you say "depressed," do you mean clinically? or that here are time when you feel like you're in a low mood, have trouble sleeping well, and feel stressed and overwhelmed?

I hope you realize that coming here has the potential to be a major step forward in life for you...and that you feel proud of yourself for doing it!

As far as your question, about how to fall asleep? I'd recommend lying in bed, eyes closed, doing slow relaxation breathing. That will help you relax, so you can fall asleep, but even until then, it will allow your body and mind to rest. If thoughts come into your mind stressful or otherwise, don't push them out - just let them drift out.

Jackk, WELCOME!

From reading your post, it sounds like there is a lot going on for you.
You hardly even mentioned masturbation or anything related to lust.
We are all working specifically on the area of lust in our lives, and a lot of things go along with that.
Is that something you are struggling with?
If you're having a hard time sleeping b/c of anxiety, I can totally understand how masturbation helps.
Is that what you're saying?
So, how else to relax? I mean, that is not the way we want to do it, right?
Have you worked on any other relaxing techniques?

Hi,

I'm new too and I wish you all the best in your struggel. Ok, please don't me serious, as said i am new. But on the other I am 30 and married, so here is my experience.

With the right woman I prospered and still do, I am sure that, I am here also because of her! Even though I had bad experience. I am thinking also of Rabbi Akiba, he became a great Rabbi just because of his love to one woman. Before that he couldn't even read, so why did that woman want to be with a guy that can't even read, doesn't have any money, is a a big L, a loooooser!? Indeed, I had many girlfriends (read 3 serious, and serious means that they never lasted more than a month), they all left me saying let's be friends. And I am still asking the question above, while being married to beautiful wonderful woman. Why does my wife want to be with a guy like me, there are so many other guys far better than me, cos I am depressed, I have my dark moments of depression and anger. So why when I am not good enough for her! To that she said and says to this day only that she loves me. And she will not let go. That is all and I thank G-d for giving me such joy and than I say I love her. Strange enough now she is having the same bad moments, saying she is not good enough for me. Vau can you believe that and I say: No, you are the best thing in my life.

About the problem of sleeping, what I do, I say, ok when I remember the trick: Thank your for my sleeplessness. Thank you for my sleeplessness. Thank you for my sleeplessness.
It's a paradox, how can one thank for such a thing. But it works, I fall asleep very soon.

May Hashem give us strength to believe in Him, us and everyone.

Hi, and welcome. I know there are many more members who can provide much more in the way of observation, support, advice (good and not-so), and more. This includes the moderator Guard himself (Shlita) who I'm sure will be flying in soon (assuming no volcanic ash delays) to offer an official welcome.

Just one thought, though, if I may:  in my own observations and in the view of Rabbi Arush who wrote a number of best-selling and English-translated emunah books, most women don't want to hear from us guys. They want to feel heard BY us guys. In other words, they want us to ask them questions about THEMSELVES so they can share, gush, talk, share, etc.

So maybe you don't need to worry about them immediately "finding out" all the junk about you (and EVERYBODY has junk. period.). You just have to find a way to keep them sharing stuff about THEM. I actually saw this quote in the paper this week: girl talking about 'good' husband: "And he's my best friend, because he LISTENS to everything I say, EVEN when he's not interested in what I'm talking about."  [Me, as guy, says, hunnhh?]

And once they've "shared" so much stuff, then you'll know about their hot buttons enough to save their hot button issues for LAST as you slowly roll your real self out to them.  Just a thought.

You DO have a bashert. Yes, you. The real you. The one with the warts and everything (like the rest of us). And it's all gonna turn out all right, with a little faith and a lot of prayer.

Does ANY of this make sense??

Thanks guys for your replies. I'm totally impressed and overwhelmed by how many people replied to  my post so quickly.  I'm sorry if I ramble and my thoughts are sometimes all over the place. In real life I am concise coherent consistent and competent.  My internal life not so. 

For me pornography and masturbation are an escape from my own harsh neurotic self. I started when I was fourteen, sort of by accident. i don't blame the internet, other people, or the lustful side of me that has satisfaction from it. I blame me, period.  In the beginning I went through all the stages that I see other people here going thru. Guilt, shame, I am not human etc.  Eventually though, i realized that my problems were mainly psychological, and had to do with depression negative thoughts, obsession. The pornographic ugliness of it stopped bothering me. I stopped with the nedarim, kabalos to give tzidaka and davening to hashem to make me impotent.

The lust per se hasn't bothered me for 9 years now. I remember at age 14 or 15 going thru a sort of dissociative  Ah ha moment. Up till then doing an aveira had an automatic guilt response, of "what do you mean you did what!?". I started feeling about aveiras and yiddishkeit in general a lackadaisical attitude. Oh god says that BAD and thats AWFUL. and Im BAD and Im AWFUL.  really? well thats his problem he made with these thoughts. He made me so that some days, I feel so bad all I think about is how great it would be to end it all.  Or maybe he didn't'. maybe he doesn't involve himself in my little neurosess.  well then if that's the case,  let  him stay out of my little problems for good. if he won't help me, I've got to help myself my own way.

I've got bigger problems to worry about if I'll ever get married. If I'll ever love children, If I'll ever be loved, for something that I am. not something I do.  If I can ever cry or laugh, for real I cant remember doing either of those, since age 14.

Jackk, welcome. You're in the right place. There are a lot of resources here that help us gain perspective on these issues. There is a great handbook on the right "attitude" that I personally found very helpful. I wish you the best on your journey. If there is any way I can help, just ask.

Dear Jack,

I am the admin of this forum. Welcome to our community!

We are indeed all out to "get you"...  > > >

... to "Get you Sober!"  ;D ;D ;D

Scientific studies have shown that it takes 90 days to change a neural thought pattern that was ingrained in the brain through addictive behaviors. Did you join the 90 day chart on-line? Sign up over here...

Make sure to install a strong filter. It will be almost impossible to break free of this while having all the garbage within a mouse click away. See this page for one good filter option, along with instructions on how to install it best - and give away the password to our "filter Gabai"... See this page for another 20 (or so) filter ideas and information...

We get cries for help every day, by e-mail and on the forum. Tzuras Rabim Chatzi Nechama    And that is why we created the GYE handbooks (links below). If you read them well, from beginning to end, slowly, and try to implement what you read, you will find the answers within them to enable you to completely turn your life around. You're worth it.

One of our goals on GYE is to help people "hit bottom while still on top" so they will take recovery seriously. To explain better what I mean, please see this page. If you're here, you're already taking serious steps in recovery, so keep up the good work!

Also, join the daily Chizuk e-mail lists to get fresh chizuk every day, and post away on this forum. You will get tons of daily Chizuk and support. This disease can't be beat alone. It works best when you get out of isolation!

GuardYourEyes also offers various free anonymous phone conferences, where you can join a group of other frum Yidden, along with an experienced sponsor. See this page for four different options. Our conferences are taking place daily, throughout the week... This would be a tremendous step in the right direction for you and help you learn freedom from this addiction. Not only will you learn the secret of the 12-Steps - which is known to be the world's most powerful program for beating addiction having helped millions world wide, but joining the group will be another way of GETTING OUT OF ISOLATION and connecting with others who are going through what you are.

Let me tell you a little about the two GuardYourEyes handbooks. They lay down the cornerstone and foundation of our work, and they make our network much more effective and helpful for people.

You see, until now, people would often get "lost" when coming to our website, not knowing what tips and techniques to try. For example, a beginner wouldn't jump straight into therapy or 12-Step groups, while on the other hand, someone whose addiction was more advanced wouldn't be helped by the standard tips of "making fences" putting in "filters" etc... So it was essential to develop a handbook which details all the techniques and tools to dealing with this addiction in progressive order. Now with these handbooks, anyone can read through and see what steps they've tried already, and if those steps haven't worked, they can continue on through the handbook where the steps become progressively more powerful and "addiction-oriented".

And the second handbook, called the "Attitude" handbook, can also help anyone, no matter what level of addiction they may have. Often people write in to us saying that had they only known the proper outlook & attitude that we try and share on the GuardYourEyes network when they were younger, they would have never fallen into an addiction in the first place! So we hope that through this handbook, many addictions will be prevented.

The handbooks are PDF files, set up as eBooks, and they have bookmarks and hyper-links in the Index, to make them easy to navigate.

Note: You might want to print them out to read away from the computer. Keep in mind though, that if you do this, you won't be able to click on the many web links in the articles. But you can always come back to them later. The truth is, it's anyway good to go through the whole handbook once without clicking on links, just to get an overview of all the tools available. Once you did that, you can start again from tool #1 and read each tool through more carefully, click the links and study each technique and assess whether you have tried it fully yet or not...

Right click on the links below and select "Save Link/Target As" to download the handbooks to your computer.

1) The GuardYourEyes Handbook
This Handbook details 18 suggested tools and techniques, in progressive order, beginning with the most basic and fundamental approaches to dealing with this addiction, and continuing down through increasingly earnest and powerful methods. For the first time, we can gauge our level of addiction and find the appropriate tools for our particular situation. And no matter what level our addiction may have advanced to, we will be able to find the right tools to break free in this handbook!

2) The GuardYourEyes Attitude
The Attitude Handbook details 30 basic principles to help us maintain the proper attitude and perspective on this struggle. Here are some examples: Understanding what we are up against, what it is that Hashem wants from us, how we can use this struggle for tremendous growth, how we can deal with bad thoughts, discovering how to redirect the power of our souls, understanding that every little bit counts, learning how to bounce back up after a fall, and so on and so forth...

May Hashem be with you!

Hi Jackk,

Welcome ! I hope you got some sleep after you wrote your posting last night. Because of the different time zones, people are on this forum at all hours of the day or night, so write whenever you can't sleep.

I'm single too. One thing you should know about dating. Many girls want to feel needed. So if they meet a perfect guy who doesn't need them, they won't feel that they have a purpose to that relationship. But if they meet a guy they can take care of, then they'll feel that they're needed. So some girls are attracted to guys who are depressed. But I agree 100% with SB (SilentBattle) that you shouldn't go out of your way to show her your issues right now.

If you can't afford your doctor anymore, maybe there are some free clinics with other doctors ? I'm just guessing here that there has to be a way for you to get the treatment you want.

There may also be people who'd be willing to sponsor your therapy...

It also sounds like you could use some work getting in touch with a positive perspective on a relationship with hashem....

Have a great shabbos!

Good Chodesh,
Hope your next date goes well. Even though,it was many moons ago ,I do remember rejections after one date and the worry about how things work out. B" H , I didn't dare touch anywhere near the bris while I was in  sleeping in the yeshiva dorm!!! I guess,it never entered my mind!

I just read your story...

Welcome!!

although this place's primary focus is on Lust... it is actually a good place to work on a lot of issues...

I try to find guys that are up my ally and try to keep up with them in PM (personal messages)...

Also I happened to have been very ill adjusted and did very well with therapy... the key is to find the right therapist (It's actually not that easy).
The way I see it, you stand to gain so much from therapy...

Please reconsider it...
Almost every issue you spoke about has been addressed very well for me with therapy...

Perhaps there is a way for you to come up with the funds... It may be your best investment ever... (I actually had to come up with the funds for therapy on my own... G-d Helps...)

There is a way to reveal your flaws and yet not scare people off...
Also it has a lot to do with how you yourself view your flaws.... It doesn't need to define who you are...

There was a girl in Baltimore that was blind... her parents instilled in her the concept that she is a very capable girl that like everyone has a flaw. She viewed herself as totally regular...

She even went to seminary in Israel...

When she came back the parents knew that she wouldn't be able to date a non-blind boy... but they didn't want to tell it to her directly...

She was eating by a neighbor and it so happened that there was another great boy at the table...

She came home told her parents she wants to date this boy...
The boy agreed as a Chesed to give her one date...

She was so normal and likable and they ended up getting married...

Moral of the story:
If you don't define yourself by your faults others will follow suit...

Good Luck

Well that date ended rather quickly.  I just mentioned that I listened to goy-ish music. Bamm done deal.
8). now that I'm not dating Ive got to be extra careful...  especially since I was holding off of replying to this girl online...

I had an interesting conversation recently with an old friend that is now "off the derech". he told me that he never masturbated before he actually had sex.

Its interesting that while during our childhood he was "pure" and I wasn't. things eventually reversed.

Ouch...sorry to hear that, bro. Depending on your situation, mentioning non-jewish music is something I usually waited for a much later date to mention. I prefer to let her get a broader picture of me, first.

If you've got other things "on hold," I'd recommend taking active measures to remove them from your life. Delete the messages, make some kind of fence for yourself...you know that you don't want to fall, right?

When do you think temptation will arise? How will it happen? What will you respond?

Well it'll probably happen at two in the morning when its raining outside.  I will be and fully awake and feeling all alone in the world. I will first try to read a book, but pretty soon I'm reading the same page over and over again.
I'll think to myself, why does nobody like me? then I'll answer; because they don't understand me. Who will understand me?  probably somebody who's life isn't simple, somebody who's been thru things, somebody who asks themselves multiple times a day, why they're still alive.   

Where do I find these people? well. they're online of course. In chat rooms and on blogs. on porn sites etc.  I think to myself... instead of using every last penny I have to pay for my shrink, which I can barely afford anyway.  Why don't I go out and find a prostitute instead?          at least one time, just to know what its like. I'll probably never experience it by being married, I'll probably never be married, even if I do get married, I'll prob get divorced, even if I don't get divorced, It'll prob be lousy with my wife. like it is with most frum married people.  (so I think/imagine)

I think/imagine that all frum people are miserable and live lives of quite desperation.  They convince themselves that they're happy when they only get it half the month.  They say; its good for us! we shouldn't always get what we want.  Hashem knows whats best for us, so its for sure better!

No it isn't! I can't take no . no is never the answer. no echo's in brain, and reverberates in my soul. I feel no all the time. cant have this girl wrong hat, that girl wrong music.    can't go to college, can make money, cant learn enough, cant relax,  CANT BE HAPPY. this is how I feel.