Hi,

well feeling a bit close to a fall and just starting. I am a porn and masturbation addict. Have been since the age of 11, viewing porn and masturbating cosed me many opportunities, many missed moments of happiness, sanity, memory, jobs... I am 30, I have a steady job and I am married (and no children).
I am so sorry about this Hashem, I love my wife, she is the best, and I have this sickness, that no one knows about.

Right no I am going through the 12 steps, I thank you for this opportunity to share my story. I gives me great comfort that I do not stand alone.

Thank you and may He help you, just like He helps me every time!

yehoshua

p.s. on the chart i am yehoshua1...

Welcome, Reb Yehoshua! 8 days is a great start - one day at a time, keep it up!

We've been stuck with this issue for so long, it sometimes feels like it's impossible to move past. But then we come here, and we realize hey! It's actually possible to live without all this garbage!

Vau my first reply. Thanks!

Already I have a question. It is very serious, since it is the hardest thing for me. A battle going on for very long.

My dramatic introduction, sorry. It's hard to be just plain honest. Here the question...  What can I do, when I feel afraid and nervous at work? The most times that I fall is when I feel unable to hold my own. For instance, I am given a difficult task and feel then overwehlmed, I don't feel good enough. That is my pain agent, I know. But how can I refrain and take a step backwards. How do I take it slow and easy!?

Thank you, just writing this is such a load off. Thank you GYE! May Hashem be with you all.

yehoshua wrote on 12 May 2010 17:50:


I believe you've already reached a great fundamental thought. The falling doesn't seem to come from the desire toward lust, but more often as a reaction to something else going on that's negative. So the focus on "I won't act out, I won't act out" is really just a temporary starting point for the real journey.

And it seems you've already come to this insight. This means you are SO FAR ALONG this path. You should understand that praise and soak it in! You are doing great! Because believing how insightful you are is a piece of self-esteem that no one can take from you. Not a boss. Not a false charge of failure. Not even a TRUE charge of failure. Not from a voice beyond you and not even a voice coming from you, yourself.

Finding ways to remind ourselves of our inner greatness is probably a great drug, useful for many purposes, including our road to recovery from these challenges.

I know this isn't much of an answer to your question, but I just wanted to put out there the thought that you have lots of good resources within you, that will help counter any attempts to put you down.

I've been rambling. Does this make any sense?

Hi

so much thanks for your reply. I have been looking at youtube and Twerskis answer to stress. He gives the parabel on the lobster that needs discomfort in order to leave his old house (that is to small) and goes to build a new house, where he can continue to grow. He makes a funny remark, if lobsters had doctors, than they would get treatment for the pain and thus would never grow... Ha ha ha. Funny
You probably know it, but here the link (Twerski on Stress)

Thank you for your reply. I think your answer is very good, if I can find that inner greatness that we all have, than I am no longer to fall.
I guess you are right, others told me so too. I don't believe that He truly made me great. Made all of us great.

yehoshua wrote on 12 May 2010 18:46:


Emunah 101, baby. The work of a lifetime for all of us.

But it's also the most important work we have. Know that He is great; know that "He didn't make no junk."  We're all great. Simple as that. The rest is commentary. A lifetime of commentary. From strength to strength.

Dear Yehoshua,

I am the admin of this forum. Welcome to our community!

One of our goals on GYE is to help people "hit bottom while still on top" so they will take recovery seriously. To explain better what I mean, please see this page. If you're here, you're already taking serious steps in recovery, so keep up the good work!

Scientific studies have shown that it takes 90 days to change a neural thought pattern that was ingrained in the brain through addictive behaviors. Did you join the 90 day chart on-line? Sign up over here...

Make sure to install a strong filter. It will be almost impossible to break free of this while having all the garbage within a mouse click away. See this page for one good filter option, along with instructions on how to install it best - and give away the password to our "filter Gabai"... See this page for another 20 (or so) filter ideas and information...

We get cries for help every day, by e-mail and on the forum. Tzuras Rabim Chatzi Nechama    And that is why we created the GYE handbooks (links below). If you read them well, from beginning to end, slowly, and try to implement what you read, you will find the answers within them to enable you to completely turn your life around. You're worth it.

Also, join the daily Chizuk e-mail lists to get fresh chizuk every day, and post away on this forum. You will get tons of daily Chizuk and support. This disease can't be beat alone. It works best when you get out of isolation!

GuardYourEyes also offers various free anonymous phone conferences, where you can join a group of other frum Yidden, along with an experienced sponsor. See this page for four different options. Our conferences are taking place daily, throughout the week... This would be a tremendous step in the right direction for you and help you learn freedom from this addiction. Not only will you learn the secret of the 12-Steps - which is known to be the world's most powerful program for beating addiction having helped millions world wide, but joining the group will be another way of GETTING OUT OF ISOLATION and connecting with others who are going through what you are.

Let me tell you a little about the two GuardYourEyes handbooks. They lay down the cornerstone and foundation of our work, and they make our network much more effective and helpful for people.

You see, until now, people would often get "lost" when coming to our website, not knowing what tips and techniques to try. For example, a beginner wouldn't jump straight into therapy or 12-Step groups, while on the other hand, someone whose addiction was more advanced wouldn't be helped by the standard tips of "making fences" putting in "filters" etc... So it was essential to develop a handbook which details all the techniques and tools to dealing with this addiction in progressive order. Now with these handbooks, anyone can read through and see what steps they've tried already, and if those steps haven't worked, they can continue on through the handbook where the steps become progressively more powerful and "addiction-oriented".

And the second handbook, called the "Attitude" handbook, can also help anyone, no matter what level of addiction they may have. Often people write in to us saying that had they only known the proper outlook & attitude that we try and share on the GuardYourEyes network when they were younger, they would have never fallen into an addiction in the first place! So we hope that through this handbook, many addictions will be prevented.

The handbooks are PDF files, set up as eBooks, and they have bookmarks and hyper-links in the Index, to make them easy to navigate.

Note: You might want to print them out to read away from the computer. Keep in mind though, that if you do this, you won't be able to click on the many web links in the articles. But you can always come back to them later. The truth is, it's anyway good to go through the whole handbook once without clicking on links, just to get an overview of all the tools available. Once you did that, you can start again from tool #1 and read each tool through more carefully, click the links and study each technique and assess whether you have tried it fully yet or not...

Right click on the links below and select "Save Link/Target As" to download the handbooks to your computer.

1) The GuardYourEyes Handbook
This Handbook details 18 suggested tools and techniques, in progressive order, beginning with the most basic and fundamental approaches to dealing with this addiction, and continuing down through increasingly earnest and powerful methods. For the first time, we can gauge our level of addiction and find the appropriate tools for our particular situation. And no matter what level our addiction may have advanced to, we will be able to find the right tools to break free in this handbook!

2) The GuardYourEyes Attitude
The Attitude Handbook details 30 basic principles to help us maintain the proper attitude and perspective on this struggle. Here are some examples: Understanding what we are up against, what it is that Hashem wants from us, how we can use this struggle for tremendous growth, how we can deal with bad thoughts, discovering how to redirect the power of our souls, understanding that every little bit counts, learning how to bounce back up after a fall, and so on and so forth...

May Hashem be with you!

As you start to grow, also, you may notice that you can take pride in the fact that you're clean - you can enjoy that feeling, and use that good feeling to fight back against the fear.

Can I ask what you feel afraid of and nervous about?

Hi,

Thank you for the warm welcome. I see I have a lot to read and work through, but silent you are right. Today it is raining outside and it feels good to hear the rain and enjoy the fresh air, it is good to be clean, sober.

Silent to answer your question, I feel fear when I feel I will not be able to messure up to the standard. Which is old stuff but every day new to me.  :o
So I am learning to channel my energy and use my strength to do positive stuff, this what I am here for. I am up on my feet, chin down and my gloves on.

May give us all strength to believe.

best wishes to all,
yehoshua

Yehoshua,
Welcome and shavua tov!
May you have hatzlacha in both the actions you're working on and your inner self!

It seems to me that you're the kind of person who rises above, and keeps on growing and improving!

It takes one to know one silent. Thank you for your kind words. I respect now more and more each day, that I stay clean.
Funny however, when I first came here, saw some with 10 and 20 or 30 days thinking, uf small stuff, easy done. Then a shock, someone with more than 50 day, but with a fall - he counted less than me. I felt afraid, thinking I will fall too. But now I think, I am slowly learning, to respect each day on its own. Fall or no fall, it is now that I am thankful for, now I am here, now I am clean. Stress is a big issue for me, so what I now do to keep my sanity, is say the following:

Hashem, I am to small and to stupid for this job. Please help me smile and tell me what to do.

Absolutely - enjoy being clean here and now.

Have a great yom tov!

Since I started there, I will continue here.

And a question, I think I saw somewhere an option to post my diary for the 90 days. Is there a possibility to write a 90 day log?

Today, for the first time in a long time, thanks to you guys, to the progress and to Him. I am alone in the office, tired, having a lot to do, with everyone out of the office already, I am here at GYE. Hashem help to stay here, I don't want to go through the pain, there is so much simcha if i stay clean. Hopefully I will remain clean, just today, just now.

bye for now,
Yehoshua

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