Just wanted to add my 2 cents, even though there is a lot of good advice already.

I definitely relate, my father was a sex addict, his behaviors got worse, my mom did divorce him, and eventually his acting out lead him to an early death at the age of 45 (he had high blood pressure, and needed to maintain a healthy lifestyle to live longer, and his lifestyle was as unhealthy as it gets, so he ended up getting a stroke).

I used to carry so much anger towards my father, only to grow up exactly like him. Now 6 months sober, and almost 3 years in recovery I often think back wondering if I could ever go back and help my father. But I can't. The only person that I can help is myself. By being sober, and staying sober, I hope to show my children a new way, and be a good father.

Your father needs to hit his bottom. May be getting found out will be his bottom. May be you can tell him one on one that you found out about his problem, and this could be powerful enough for a father to hit the bottom, or may be it will be not his time yet. What ever the case don't ever think to go blaming yourself. You are only responsible for your own life, and your own choices.

I would recommend working on your sobriety first. Learn more about the problem, learn more about the solution. As the Big Book of AA puts it, "you cannot transmit something you haven't got" so make sure that "your own house is in order" and may be then your father will be able to learn from you.

Now, I view my fathers acting out as his gift for me. It made me question things early and realizing that I was an addict at a young age. I was 25 when I found out I was an addict, you are 15. You are my hero.

And I think the only way people really realize that they are addicts, is by hearing other addicts share their stories, and realizing that their story is exactly the same. May be you can bring in literature to your house for yourself, and it would pick your father interested, and help him realize he also has a similar problem. One of the best books that helps people understand sexual addiction is called "Out of the Shadows", by Patrick Carnes. If you can't afford to buy one, or can't find one in the library I can mail it to you for free.

Let me know. My email is feedrightwolf at gmail.com

dov wrote on 11 May 2010 18:05:


Dear Dov, and Habochur hechoshuv NTT,

Dov, I hardly disagree with you. However, I juat asked this bochur to consider doing these things. He knows these people, and if he feels comfortable speaking to them and trusts them, it could be helpful. There probably is someone either in the yeshiva or the rov who is trusworthy. However, there is no guarantee of this. Many rabbonim are trained at counseling and many yeshivos have such people available. Many do not, So, this bochur, who obviously has a lot of seichel, can read the situation.

Incidentally, a lot of incredibly good advice was posted here for NTT!!!

I have heard Rabbi Viner speak and have contacted him myself. He would be an absolutely excellent choice, and right there in Monsey!!!!! There are links to one or more of his speeches on this site. Below is one link.

www.hakhel.info/archivesPublicService/RVienerSummer09.mp3

feedtherightwolf wrote on 13 May 2010 00:18:



To tell you the truth, what u say is very interesting, because ever since i started following my fathers actions, my own situation has improved dramatically- maybe becausei feel a sense of achrayus to be above him in this sense.

Now I guess its time to deal with my personal problem- hz"l. after being clean for quite a few days, I still suffered from it last night, which shterred my learning/whole day today, proabably because i felt that i didnt deserve it. Does the oilam know any good ways to be masakein it other than mikva, and is tikkun klalli a real thing, or just made up by r nachman?

In the days before I became an out-of-control addict, I found that going to the mikkie was nice. Saying Tikkun haklali was also nice. But is it mainly tikkun that you want, or is it some freedom from the compulsion when it strikes that you are really looking for?
Please consider going easyier on yourself. Bombarding this problem with energy often just gives it more power. The ikkar might be in remaining busy in being useful to Hashem, His people, and yourself. Focusing on not focusing on the aveiro is probably the silliest thing we can do.

dov wrote on 13 May 2010 03:05:


The main thing is to be involved doing other things. Physically and emotionally if at all possible.

I don't think that anyone said that mikvah and the Tikun are mesaken hz''l bemaizid by themselves. However, they help, and maybe you were not considered bemaizid by the One Who Knows.

If you're referring to having a wet dream, then it's not considered a fall - it's not a good thing, but don't worry about it.

Be happy that you're staying clean.

nowhere to turn wrote on 13 May 2010 02:52:


Teshuva repairs all. This is the forum to carry you and us on that journey of Teshuva. Mikvah and other things, like korbonos, are in addition to teshuva. You are on the right train my friend. Stop looking for outside and incomplete solutions that only assure that you will feel down, plus miss the main point: Teshuva. And don't forget that Yiddishkeit is nowhere without simcha. תחת אשר לא עבדתם את ה' אלוקיכם בשמחה ובטות לבב מרוב כל. This, says the pasuk, is the reason for the curses of the Tochacho.  Be happy that you are on the train with us!

How about someone from GYE at least contact the Rav of your shul to give (more?) shmoozes on this topic?  When our Rav gives us the "internet danger" drasha it usually has an impact on me for a while.

nowhere to turn wrote on 13 May 2010 02:52:


Folks ask why Jews have free will is we believe that everything's in the hands of Heaven. The answer includes the idea that BEFORE the sin the choice was ours, but AFTER the sin the result was Hashem's. Which suggests that, once it's over, it's over. Period. Pick ourselves up, brush ourselves off to learn a lesson or two from it if we can, and start all over again.

If we let the cheit overtake our simcha, I don't think we're likely to brush ourselves off very effectively or start over very convnicingly. For me, I just have to tell myself that G-d loves me, that there was a good reason for this whether I see it or not, and get back in the game. Not so easy, I know, and a pretty pathetic excuse for chizuk. But I do know that my job, our job, any Yid's job, is to get back in the game with our simcha intact and our ahavas Hashem intact.

Have a goot choidesh and a goot Shabbus. That's an order... from the Big Guy Upstairs!

Hey nowhere to turn, whats up? how are you doing? how are things going

I'm a father myself as well, and i fear that if i wouldn't  stop acting out TODAY than at some point my kids (who are still young ages 4-6) would know about it "altough thats not the reason i work so hard to stop mas...."

So here is my 2 cents: work only on yourself how YOU should stay clean. how YOU should stop watching p..n
so one day YOU WILL BE A WONDERFULL AND LOVING FATHER TO YOUR KIDS
You are still young now is the time YOU DONT HAVE TO GO THROUGH WHAT ALOT OF US DID

In the mean time just hold on tight. we are all with you, were in it together,
with much success

Please let me and evryone know how you are doing?