Hi, I"m new to this group.  I've been in SA for about 4 years now on and off but aside from an initial period of about six months of sobriety, I just haven't been able to get a lot of sobriety under my belt.  I know it's because I havent taken a proper first step with myself, truly admitting that I am powerless over lust and a sexaholic.  So now I'm trying to make myself like a newcomer again, which means to have the humility to admit that I can't do this on my own and I need the twelve steps to stay sober.  I also need to develop emuna in the program.  I remember 4 years ago when I first came into this program I was totally broken.  I had just gotten caught by almost my entire family and it was extremely embarrassing.  Just showing up at the meeting for my first time was on of my most humbling experiences.  I was broker and desperate and I got a sponsor right then and there and was really mekabel what the program was telling me. I literally felt like I had gotten rescued from  @#!*% .  I was also excited about the program, a whole new world of hope had just opened up to me.  But now four years later, after dropping out of the program after a year and then coming back a year ago I am still slipping.  I get a week of sobriety here, a week there, a month here and there, but no real long term sobriety.  Dont get me wrong, I feel like I am growing a lot. I'm learning humility, gratitude, etc...but just not able to stay sober.  A part of the problem may also be that by being in the program for a while, instead of becoming more humble, I have been getting more haughty. I tell myself things like, "I know how this works".  And i think that I know what everyone else is doing wrong.  I am a Mr know it all.  I even tell myself I am smarter than the people who have many years of sobriety.  I am crazy with ego.  I don't know what the  @#!*%  is wrong with me.  How can think this way after so many years of pain and humiliation.  It seems that anyone else who has experienced the pain that I have would have decided that their way isnt working, but not me.  I need to take a real first step.  Just admit that I am powerless and that my was doesn't work.  So I'm aiming for humility now if it's ever possible for me.  I think it is possible because I am seeing some growth in this area.  Anyone out there experience anything similiar (ie, stubbornness, ego, not being able to take a first step, etc...)?  If so, are you able to overcome it, and if yes then how?  Thanks.

First off, welcome home!  Glad you made it here!

Secondly, @#$% yeah we all know what you are talking about, it is called pre-GYE syndrome!  Now that you are here chill out, have a shot of bourbon [or Vodka if you are really desperate ;) ] and get to work on finding yourself.  Just reading your intro there could give a room full of psychologists a headache, but surprisingly enough we all fit that description (thats why we are here).

On a more serious note one thing that may be different between now and 4 years ago is then you went because you got caught.  Perhaps your drive then was to get back into good graces with your family.  Now you are here because you are fed up with yourself.  It is not about being what your family expects it is now about becoming who YOU want to become.  It is easy to have Gavah when you are motivated by external things as you can think you are in control, well so long as you decide yourself a decent enough actor to meet the external expectations you can keep up your Gavah.  When the true motivation is to improve yourself and you see you are struggling with this for years and you have no control over yourself it is much easier to let go of you Gavah and to recognize that you are out of control.  You cannot hide from yourself should you choose to look.

Good luck in your wonderful journey.  Post and keep on posting it really helps.  It gives yourself and others chizuk and it helps yourself and others work out the questions and challenges that you come up with.

Dear fellow person working on working his program,

A few ideas. Have you thought back to exactly what you were doing or feeling during your inital six months of sobriety? What did you know then, that you have since forgotten? What did you feel then, that you no longer feel? Perhaps you were doing something right then, and lost it somehow. We are not perfect and all lose important stuff now and then. If you misplaced it Hashem may help you find it, as long as you, the baal, were not meya'esh. Nu, maybe you were, but it's yi'ush shelo mida'as anyway....and I am not being cute here.

This is exactly what I do in this type of situation, and I learned it from watching other people fail. I have heard so many guys who were losing it spend time looking at what's missing in their meetings, the steps, their lives, etc...but heard so few asking what's missing in their own motivations. It's tough. I'm not indicting - I know what it's like and believe we are all innocent  - mayve only guilty of stupidity, at worst. But if it's not working, I only gain by looking inward. It's not about blaming me - just looking inward. Some honest comparing of the you of then to they you of now, is a tool I am suggesting.
Second, you are very hard on yourself. While I read a lot of self-negation and humiliation, that isn't really what the program is about. It may be a tool for getting "right-sized" when we come to the rooms all convinced that we have this all figured out...you know, the newby who has spent his entire life (and unfortunately his first few meetings, too!) darshening to others about big stuff.
He nees to be told to shut up and start listening, for a change, cuz when it really comes down to it, looking at his track record, it's clear that he is an idiot. We all are. We are addicts and acted-out our lives into the toilet...or are well on the way to. And we don't stop on our own. OK.

But you are not a newby. While you bash yourself you still say you are hanging onto your drug:


How? Maybe cuz you are an addict.

The program is not for people who can control themselves. it's not for people who can be taught to run their lives right. It's for lunatics like me who still desire to follw women on the highway cuz they are pretty even though I have a loving wife at home. Just cuz I feel a desire does not mean that all is lost. If you waste time worrying about how base or insane your desires or tendencies are, then I'd say you haven't yet figured out how broken you are. When I get such a desire or see myself wanting to take another turn around on the subway to get a better look at a lady there, I say to myself "there I go again!" and chuckle. I make a program call - not in desperation, but  just to share with another person who understands exactly how pathetic this addict is. And we are free! We do not need to follow the lady or to get a second, better look. I can ask Him to take it away.

If you have not developed that kind of talking and needing relationship with your G-d yet, then I'd ask what you were doing at meetings. There is nothing else but this in the program. #12says that  it's only and all about: a spiritual awakening. Getting yourself your own, real, useful G-d. If your G-d is not working for you yet, then either you don't have the right G-d yet, or you are not interested in using Him yet. If your present G-d lacks the power or desire to assist you, I'd suggest youv'e got the wrong god. If he has that, then I'd ask why you are not yet using Him.
To me, it all comes down to my G-d and my desire to use Him. When Lust was your god, how did you use it? I am dead serious here. The answer to that question is another indispensible tool for me - but as you already did the 2nd step, I assume you looked at that one already. But if you didn't, there is no time like the present.

You are not alone in any of the troubles you have. Stay in the game.

Hatzlocha,

Dov