shmendrick wrote on 07 Sep 2010 05:25:


We do!  :-*


May you have a k'siva v'chasima tova!

Harav Shmendrik,

What you did inspires me to do my best!!!!!!!!

Makes me wonder why I bothered giving you advice; you are way ahead of the game (ahead of me for sure...)

Keep it up!!!!!!!!!!

-Sincerely,
  Tried

To Tried-123:
Hey, what's with the "why I bothered giving you advice; you are way ahead..." business? We share with each-other! You have just as much right to share what you have experienced with him, me, or anyone else as anyone has to share with you. So if it unexperienced, book-learned advice you are giving, I understand...but if it is Hashem's gift to "Tried-123" that you are sharing with us, I say go for it!!

To Rav Shmen, Shlit"a:
Maybe consider not using the words of the 12 steps, but the concepts behind them. Some people like the idea that Torah recognizes we have problems, mental or spiritual illnesses. (Warning: Mayseh listor ahead: I was at a lecture in which this rov started to describe how the RMB"M describes basically every person as being a bit mentally ill...calls it choloei hanefesh in Sh'moneh P'rakim, as you are aware. Many people got up in protest of the insult and left the lecture with verbal thrashing of the rov right there! I was ~15 years old, mortified, and wondered what sickness they had? Hahaha...)
OK. But generally, I think if it said right, be"H, many people like to know that G-d understands them and is patient with them, rather than that He is only there to hold up a standard against them and shake His head.... He knows that "Ein kedushasi K'dusashem"! But He did not create us just to 'get by' and to eat so that we can work - so that we can eat...

To me, the steps are Derech Eretz, and rich enough to give without referring directly to them...but I am not the rov, you are, so please take what I say with a few grains of salt, some pepper, add a little grilled shnitzel, sit down with a glass of red wine and gezunterheit!!

BTW, we love Tried-123 & Dov too!  :-*

Jooboy wrote on 07 Sep 2010 14:46:


I wish I could say that I surrendered to God . . . I suppose that there  was some of that there, but mainly there was:

• I could not stomach the thought that I was going to be the Baal Tefillah and Rabbi on Rosh Hashanah in just a few days, having indulged in something pretty unsavory, although probably very pleasant for the short term


• I felt too guilty towards my wife and kids to act out, especially with someone who is a Shabbos guest from time to time - (It sure is difficult when she is at our Shabbos table and looks at me in that way in which she means only friendship, which looks sexy and sultry to me, and I have to pretend that she is just another guest)


• The ugly example of Marc Schneier and the Chilul Hashem involved is a downer as well


• In reality, I am also too embarrassed up the ante and to tell her how I lust for her, though I am sure she knows it.  She has said to me that if I was not married she wished she could have me. . . and that is very enticing, but also frustrating and ultimately futile

I am just blabbing here, I guess.  I wish I did not have the compulsion to think of her and to fantasize, but that is there still.  I know - I should just put her out of my life - tell my wife to stop inviting her - but I have not been able to do so - yet.  It is so hard to throw away a friendship with a beautiful and sweet woman who means only well - but who is dangerous for me.

Will the program help me with this?  I really don't know.

Best,

Shmendrick

Dear Chaver,

One thing to always keep in mind is that, once a man has sex with a woman, the relationship tends to change dramatically.

Es Chata'ai ani mazkir hayom, I recall reading regarding the Clinton/Lewinsky scandal that he would get into fights with her.  I was amazed - he's the President of the United States, and he's getting into fights with a White House intern?  The answer is "yes" - it goes with the territory - if a man has sex with a woman, they're going to get into fights, and the party will be over in many other ways!

Harav Avigdor Miller Ztz"l was asked (during the Q&As at the end of a Thurs. evening shiur) "How should a man be noheig when he is being mekarev a woman?"

Harav Miller replied, "Don't! <long pause> Avraham megayer ess ha'anashim; V'Sarah megayeres ess hanashim. I know of a case, a yungerman, had a wife, four children, ------ left his wife, left his children, and went off with the women he was being 'mekarev'."





Am I being tooo drastic?  I am only quoting Rav Miller.....

Yosef Hatzadik wrote on 07 Sep 2010 22:42:


This is certainly an important perspective - actually one that you mentioned on this thread some time ago.  It may very well be appropriate for my situation.

Nevertheless, I consider myself to be fairly knowledgeable about the field of Kiruv, and would say that while much of the intense Kiruv is in fact more effective (and less dangerous) by a same gender mekarever, there is no question that many women are brought in, and effected deeply, by male Rabbonim and figures. . . who are the Rabbis, teachers, speakers, etc etc that inspire people more often , for a variety of reasons.

I guess when it gets down to one on one intense personal closeness, certainly it is better within gender, although many women have Rabbonim that they have developed a close personal relationship as well, or for the matter men who feel close to the Rebbitzen as well.

I guess it all depends.

"Nevertheless . . ." Spoken like a true addict.  Hatzlacha in making the right choice. And good luck on the drasha. P.S.  You may want to check out Rabbi Twerski's Self Improvement: I'm Jewish in which he shows how the 12 steps are all torah based.

Here is an interesting way I drew up of viewing the 12 Steps, I think

Shiur prep materials

Well Rosh Hashana came and went . . .  of course the question is not whether we went through Rosh Hashana, but whether it went through us, to paraphrase the famous story about SHas .....

It did feel very very good to know that I am over 100 days on my chart....a totally different type of accomplishment, Baruch Hashem !

My Shabbos Shuva drasha was interesting .... I portrayed the 12 steps and talked about their power . . . maybe it is a talk I have to give again more publicly.  I described myself as a recovering addict -- of overeating -- although

• I have not really recovered at all yet in that area . . . I am barely at step 3, maybe, and


• that is not the more important one for people to hear about

but it did give me permission to talk about this and about the issues we all face here.  I tried to talk up the importance of GYE and I hope that some people will either avail themselves of it, or support it.

I heard, as well, that at the Gateways RH seminar, a whole session was devoted to this topic.  So hopefully the word got out a little more this year.

On the down side my son didn't show up for the second day of RH or for Shabbos Shuva at all...  I told him that I was very disappointed in him . . . hope it was the right move.

Best to you all, a gmar Chasima Tova!

Here is an interesting article I saw today on foxnews

Blast From the Past: Could Facebook Destroy Your Marriage?
By Ian Kerner
Published September 16, 2010 | FoxNews.com


The movie "The Social Network" is about to hit theaters—but is your marriage already taking a hit from Facebook? If so, join me at Good in Bed, where we’re discussing the downside of social networking.

We all know how the story goes: Boy meets girl. Boy loses girl—blah, blah, blah. Save that version for Hollywood. How about this one? Boy meets girl. Boy loses girl. Boy grows up and marries someone else. But then Boy rekindles the friendship with his former flame on Facebook—and ends up totally wrecking his marriage.

I’m hearing this real-life story more often: A tale of high school sweethearts trying to go “back to the future,” only to realize they should have been content to leave those memories in that old shoebox in storage.

In the end, we’re only human. We all romanticize the past, men and women alike. And no memories are more potent than those first youthful fumblings. We tend to remember the good parts and forget the bad. Until the advent of Facebook, though, most of us were compelled to leave the past in the past and move on. But now exes of all stripes—high school sweethearts, college lovers, former hookups—are popping up on Facebook.

And I’m no exception. In the past few years, I’ve heard from at least three exes who wanted to be my Facebook friend or found my website and e-mailed me out of the blue. And while it’s ever-so tempting to accept these friend requests, or to fire back a quick “of course I remember you” e-mail, I haven’t done so. That was then; this is now. And in those rare instances where I have accepted an ex as a Facebook friend, or written back, I’ve informed my wife and let her read every correspondence. Not because she doesn’t trust me, but because we have nothing to hide. Once you have something to hide, that’s where the trouble begins.

So are you spending more time Facebooking with a former fling than face-timing with your partner? Being in a long-term relationship isn't easy. To do it well, a couple must maintain a high degree of transparency and dependability. For example, at any given time, my wife can text me, e-mail me, ping me, call me on the cell, try me on the home line, or sometimes just walk into the next room and tap me on the shoulder if she’s feeling particularly energetic. It’s safe to say we pretty much know each other’s move, which admittedly doesn’t always make for the most exciting relationship.

While relationships require transparency and dependability, sexual attraction thrives on the opposite: unpredictability and mystery. Therein lies the relationship rub: how do we share everything with our partners and yet also remain mysterious and unpredictable? By working at it, and not turning to the Internet for our thrills.

When two people strike up an e-mail or Facebook relationship, it’s easy to begin idealizing each other and blur the line between fantasy and reality. An intense sense of intimacy is quickly fostered. The instant gratification of these technologies stimulates reward centers in the brain, and it’s easy to find oneself craving the quick hit of an instant connection or lamenting its absence. Even without the senses driving attraction, the mind goes into overdrive and imagines that this is the perfect person and the perfect relationship. And when an ex is involved, the stakes and temptations are even higher. It’s all too easy to let the past hijack the present.

Here’s something else interesting: As a sex therapist, I tend to hear a lot about people’s sexual habits, both when they’re with their partner and when they’re on their own. In terms of self-pleasuring, there was a time not so long ago when most men used their imaginations to fuel their fantasies and guys would scour their own erotic histories for “memorable moments” in order to get their fingers to do the walking. But today, the Internet offers so much intense visual stimulation and variety, and makes gratification so easy, that most men have forgotten how to use their sexual imaginations or simply are too lazy. It’s like the difference between reading and watching TV.

However, men who are Facebooking with their exes and falling in love all over again are often skipping the computer when it comes to self-pleasuring and going back those potent formative memories to get themselves off. That’s how strong the past is – even stronger than Internet porn!

Whether you’re a man or a woman, if you find you’re thinking more and more about the past, and getting to the point where you’re fantasizing about what it would be like to be with that person again, it’s time to unplug your computer—get back to your lover

shmendrick wrote on 13 Sep 2010 19:51:


Yasher Koach for staying clean for over 100 days (ODAAT, of course) - kol tuv

Just one Ha'arah:

With teenagers it is probably not so smart to TELL them how proud you are...
A better approach may be to have him "ovehear" the  parents discussing some of his stregnths.
Even better than that would be to actually really focus on his stregnths and really believe in his abilities... Because no matter what everey one has ability!!!

Hi Rabbi, I feel sorry for u, ur actions really have a different meaning than u always thought, I can't offer u any real advice except for continuing ur recovery, get as close as u can to hashem & its worth consulting a professional on ur own, to see how. U Can sort all this out
I will have u in my prayers
Good shabbos