shmendrick wrote on 24 Aug 2010 17:26:


Reb Shmendrick.  Congratulations.  That's wonderful.  What a way to enter the yemei hadin.

shmendrick wrote on 24 Aug 2010 17:26:


Better that you should worry then you should have a false confidence.  Unfortuantely, whether we care to recognize it or not, the struggle we are going through is life-long.  90 days or even a year will not cure us.  The good thing is that you appear to recognize that fact and you know what you has to be done.  Given what you accomplished without really working the program, thing of how much more can you accomplish by working the program.
And, yes there is always that "one day" lurking out there.  But unlike Elul's of the past.  This year is different.  This year you know that when that potentially overwhelming day comes you have an entire group of friends who understand precisely what you are experiencing and who can help you over the mess.  So, yes savor the day, and the experiences of the last 90 days and savor the knowledge that you are on the road to real change.  Continued hatzlacha.

If only I could give you a hug, tug your beard and give a zetz!  MAZEL TOV!!

Thank you all . . . so very much!!!!

I just saw this video - I think that it is great for our community before Rosh Hashana - and any time


www.aish.com/v/ho/57973927.html

Love you all

Shmendrick

Thanks for the great video, shmen!!

Beautiful link, Shmen.  Thanks.  Inspiring me to be patient.

Here is another interesting video someone sent...I know it struck a chord in me


eizerbachurim.com/video.html

Best to all

Shmendrick

beautiful video.  thanks.

thanks for the video reb shmen, it was exactly what i needed to hear, exactly when i needed it and it brought tears to my eyes  :'(

Hello again,

I figured that it was time again to get some input here from y'all on what is happening with my son. 

I haven't talked about him much lately - I guess I did not feel that there was that much to share.  He basically spent the summer "chilling", i.e. stayin in bed till 1-2 PM, davening quickly, spending alot of time with his ipod, going to the movies with friends...and that is about it.

It has been an interesting education for me.  I am not sure if it is positive or negative that I have come to accept that he does not go to shul, learn, exhibit any interest in things Jewish - and other than some remarks here or there, I don't say much.

He isn't happy that K-9 restricts much of his internet access, but mainly he and I both don't talk bout it too much and it is at an uneasy peace.

At this point, now that we finally understood that he is officially booted from the yeshiva he was at last year, we are struggling with the following issues

• Where to send him next year.  To make a very  long story short, he wants to go to a very Modern Orthodox school, while my wife and I feel that he will do better at another Yeshiva that will understand where he is at, but will try to encourage him to slowly move towards being more of a Ben Torah.  It isn't that MO part that bothers me - it is that he may tend to find the least motivated kids to do the maximum allowable yetzer hara stuff, (and a few steps beyond. )  I feel somewhat that I am selling out if we allow him to  go there, but there is much to be said for just letting go somewhere that he will be happy


• We are beginning to allow him to have a cellphone.  I told him that I will not allow internet on it .  My question is whether we should allow texting.  He says, of course, that "everyone" does texting - how could I not allow that.  From what I have heard, however, texting is one of the prime ways that negative communications between kids goes on.

Any thoughts???

I wanted to write more, but I gotta get off....next time!

Wow, you have really let go.  Hashem is guiding this thing now.  Kol tov.  For sure.  I'm imagining the heartache you and your wife are going through seeing your son do his rebellion, and accepting that using power probably won't work much. 

Is Eizer Bachurim an option?

What about going over and talking to the MO people.  Tell them you're thinking about making an application, take their tour.  Check out the kids themselves.  Sit for a time while they're leyning.  Are the kids serious, or a they about goofing off  What's the feel you get for the teachers.  What about being there for Shacharis. See how the kids daven.  Are there mostly serious happy kids, or are they speed davening to get through fast.  Do they talk, etc. You know what to look for. 

Be"H Maybe it's a way for him to find his own way back.  Maybe there's a Rav there who he'll connect with, who'll understand the whole situation and slowly and gently encourage him to try it again at his former yeshivah.  Stranger things have been known to happen under the label of "Hashgacha Pratis".

May you and your whole family enjoy Shalom Bayis in the deepest sense imaginable.  I guess I just want you to know how much I care about how things go for you, your son and your family.  When you blozzen shoifar He could tell you the derech.  Bitachon my brother. 

I feel for you and I commend you for your restraint regarding comments... It can't be easy for you....

As someone who's once been there a bit I can try to share some thoughts...

Texting does indeed have its dangers. Looking back at my teen years, I now see that what had the worst impact on my Yidishkiet and Mental health was the fact that Yidishkiet was imposed on me. It seemed to me then that my parents cared much more about my Yidishkiet than they did about my feelings, about ME!!

In the short run we can control our kids actions and exposures (although they will find what they want if they really want it), but for the long run the only control we can have on how our kids act as adults is if they have a positive association to Yidishkiet, and if they know that they are respected....

I would have things so much easier today if only my parents would have been more concerned about me, my feelings, my wants, and my emotions!!!!

My parents did control my exposure but that is meaningless at this point. The only thing that matters now is my attitude to Yidishkiet and my general emotional health.

I venture to say that the only real way to impact teens that display rebellion is to be super vigilant regarding all aspects of our relationship with them. It must take presidence over almost all other considerations. Secondly, to lead by example. If we have a very real and meaningful Yachas to Yidishkiet it will effect them.

Control will most likely only induce more rebellion....

May hashem give you Siata D'shmaya to reach the right conclusions...

How to Improve Your Relationship with Your Rebellious Teen

    * Stop criticizing. Don't think that an indirect or subtle critical statement will take the sting out of the remark. Hinting is the least effective form of communication. You get all the negative effects of criticism without any of the benefits of direct communication. Likewise, criticism said with a smile or "for a child's own good" remains criticism.
    * Focus on emotional needs and on the relationship rather than on behavior. Just until the relationship improves, try overlooking your child's rebellious behaviors (sleeping late, hanging out) and put all of your energy into developing the relationship.
    * You don't have to exercise every right you have. You certainly have the right to tell your 16-year-old to be home by 1:00 A.M. However, if exerting your authority will make your child more resentful and thereby worsen the relationship, then it makes no sense to exercise that right at that time.
    * Focus on process and not on events. Appreciate your child's developing sense of confidence, or other signs of emotional health. Acknowledge gradual change. Otherwise, even when your teenager begins to improve, he will view himself as a failure since his actions are still far from your expectations. This can cause him to stop trying.
    * Don't expect your child's angry mood to dissipate overnight just because you become more sensitive to his or her feelings. Be patient. There may be years of accumulated anger and resentment. It will take time for your child's anger to dissipate.
    * When you give advice or make decisions regarding your child, do so with obvious consideration for his feelings. Don't objectify your child. Relate to him as a human being with particular feelings, wishes and desires.
    * The most difficult task. Change your attitude! Stop believing your son or daughter is acting out because of maliciousness or laziness. Children who act out usually do so because of a deep-rooted unhappiness. If your child is sleeping until 11:00 A.M. every day and as a result is constantly punished and criticized, laziness is obviously not a sufficient motivation.
    * Make your child's happiness, and not your nachat (pleasure from children), your major goal.
    * Last, but certainly not least, don't give up. If your child sees that you are genuinely concerned about his happiness, he will respond. It may take some time, but together with the merit of tefillah, it will happen.

-From DrSortzkin.com

Oy,  this time before Rosh Hashana is kinda stressful, especially if you are looking forward to being both the Rabbi and the Baal Tefillah, especially if you are a member of this group (even if I am 104 days and counting ... ;D )

Just a few minutes here . . . tomorrow should be the first day of my son's new school.  Yes we decided to go with the more MO one that he wants.  On advice from my Rebbe and others, we decided to let him write a list of those things that it would be reasonable of him to maintain to help us feel confident that he will succeed there.  Things like maintaining a B average, limiting internet use, etc    We hope and pray for the best

Thank you so much for your input, Tried and 1daat, It is very helpful to know that you are puliing for me

On another note, I am going to try something crazy and risky this year.  I plan to give my Shabbos Shuva drasha on he 12 steps.  It is crazy because I don't know enough about them yet, and I have not worked them nearly enough, but yet, they are alot of what I am thinking about in terms of my personal aliyah, so, let 'er rip.

I am not sure what I should tell them about why it is that I am thinking about this stuff so much, but I'll come up with something.

A gitten

oh, and another note ....

Thank G-d for GYE and Rosh Hashana

I met the beautiful Congregant I mentioned a while back, after not seeing her for a while -- and it was a doozy,  She was wearing this revealing ________  which sent me all a-shiver, and prodeeded to tell me how much she missed me, and how nice I look, etc

If not for the fact that is just before Rosh Hashana, and the work I am doing with you guys, I am pretty sure I would have embraced her and . . . who knows what else.  My wife was away today, I could have invited her to go with me and ......    :-[

Baruch Hashem, I was able to put her mostly out of my mind, and go back to work and what I was supposed to be doing.  Thank you to all  8)

Love

Shmendrick

Shmen,




Thanks for staying hones with us and sharing what is going on for you.  Can you share with us how you did it?  Did you surrender it to God? Did you just think about Rosh Hashana?  What was going on?