Hi Everyone,

I don't know where to start.  First, I want to say I am grateful for this website and I wish there was some way I could help out.  Until I found this websiet the world seemed very dark. 

I have been struggling with addiction to lust in various forms since my early teens.  I am now in my mid-30's.  But I didn't realize, I was addicted or struggling until fairly recently when I began tryig to break free but couldn't.  B4 I got married, I thought that was the problem.  Marriage and having a family did help, as it meant I was less isolated - less opportunities to act out.  Moving to a frum community also helped - again by reducing the opportunities.  But it just isn't enough!!!  I have a particularly bad run of falls recently and I am really desperate.  I tried to find an accountability partner - a friend- but he wasn't comfortable with the idea or the responsibilty.  My wife doesn't use the internet or I would have asked her.

When I just became frum, I could study at kollel.  but now my head seems all muddled and I am even more isolated, without a regular chavruta.  I really need help.  I feel so out of it and tired.  I am not helping my family out eneough.  I am not doing enough hishtadelut for the parnessa bcos of clouded thoughts and tiredness.  I really want to be a good dad and husband.  And to improve in my relationship with Hashem.  I am the point of tears.  How could it have gone so wrong.

But this website gives me hope.  I cannot do this alone. I have tried, and tried and tried...  I need some help please.

YosefAvinu

Dear YosefAvinu,

I am the admin of this forum. Welcome to our community - you have come to the RIGHT PLACE!  ;D

We get cries for help every day, by e-mail and on the forum. Tzuras Rabim Chatzi Nechama    And that is why we created the GYE handbooks (links below). If you read them well, from beginning to end, slowly, and try to implement what you read, you will find the answers within them to enable you to completely turn your life around. You're worth it.

Make sure to install a strong filter. It will be almost impossible to break free of this while having all the garbage within a mouse click away. See this page for one good filter option, along with instructions on how to install it best - and give away the password to our "filter Gabai"... See this page for another 20 (or so) filter ideas and information...

Scientific studies have shown that it takes 90 days to change a neural thought pattern that was ingrained in the brain through addictive behaviors. Did you join the 90 day chart on-line? Sign up over here...

Also, join the daily Chizuk e-mail lists to get fresh chizuk every day, and post away on this forum. You will get tons of daily Chizuk and support. This disease can't be beat alone. It works best when you get out of isolation!

GuardYourEyes also offers various free anonymous phone conferences, where you can join a group of other frum Yidden, along with an experienced sponsor. See this page for four different options. Our conferences are taking place daily, throughout the week... This would be a tremendous step in the right direction for you and help you learn freedom from this addiction. Not only will you learn the secret of the 12-Steps - which is known to be the world's most powerful program for beating addiction having helped millions world wide, but joining the group will be another way of GETTING OUT OF ISOLATION and connecting with others who are going through what you are.

Let me tell you a little about the two GuardYourEyes handbooks. They lay down the cornerstone and foundation of our work, and they make our network much more effective and helpful for people.

You see, until now, people would often get "lost" when coming to our website, not knowing what tips and techniques to try. For example, a beginner wouldn't jump straight into therapy or 12-Step groups, while on the other hand, someone whose addiction was more advanced wouldn't be helped by the standard tips of "making fences" putting in "filters" etc... So it was essential to develop a handbook which details all the techniques and tools to dealing with this addiction in progressive order. Now with these handbooks, anyone can read through and see what steps they've tried already, and if those steps haven't worked, they can continue on through the handbook where the steps become progressively more powerful and "addiction-oriented".

And the second handbook, called the "Attitude" handbook, can also help anyone, no matter what level of addiction they may have. Often people write in to us saying that had they only known the proper outlook & attitude that we try and share on the GuardYourEyes network when they were younger, they would have never fallen into an addiction in the first place! So we hope that through this handbook, many addictions will be prevented.

The handbooks are PDF files, set up as eBooks, and they have bookmarks and hyper-links in the Index, to make them easy to navigate.

Note: You might want to print them out to read away from the computer. Keep in mind though, that if you do this, you won't be able to click on the many web links in the articles. But you can always come back to them later. The truth is, it's anyway good to go through the whole handbook once without clicking on links, just to get an overview of all the tools available. Once you did that, you can start again from tool #1 and read each tool through more carefully, click the links and study each technique and assess whether you have tried it fully yet or not...

Right click on the links below and select "Save Link/Target As" to download the handbooks to your computer.

1) The GuardYourEyes Handbook
This Handbook details 18 suggested tools and techniques, in progressive order, beginning with the most basic and fundamental approaches to dealing with this addiction, and continuing down through increasingly earnest and powerful methods. For the first time, we can gauge our level of addiction and find the appropriate tools for our particular situation. And no matter what level our addiction may have advanced to, we will be able to find the right tools to break free in this handbook!

2) The GuardYourEyes Attitude
The Attitude Handbook details 30 basic principles to help us maintain the proper attitude and perspective on this struggle. Here are some examples: Understanding what we are up against, what it is that Hashem wants from us, how we can use this struggle for tremendous growth, how we can deal with bad thoughts, discovering how to redirect the power of our souls, understanding that every little bit counts, learning how to bounce back up after a fall, and so on and so forth...

May Hashem be with you!

WELCOM ABOARD HOLY WARRIOR!!!!!!!!!!!

First of all, welcome, Reb Yosef!

I'm really glad you found this website - there are a lot of really amazing people here, and I know they've helped me grow in all sorts of ways, and accomplish things I never thought I could.

I'm glad to see you joining us - clearly, you want to grow, and you want to become a better person, in every area of your life!

It also sounds like you've identified a lot of the areas that you need to work on, which is a very, VERY good first step.

Can I ask why you don't have a chavrusa?

Hello Yosefavinu, and welcome to the amazing GYE community. You have definitely reached the right place. I have been here for a couple weeks and my life as an addict has only gotten better. Hashelo loves you a lot. He led you to this beautiful well. A well filled with the waters of healing and growth. Drink it in buddy,drink it in.

Welcome...Boy have you come to the right place! there is so much stuff that could help you here like the booklets but my advice is to post as much as you can it could be questions answers chizuk cries for help anything that come to mind! It helps more than you could imagine! you will feel like you have hundreds of people on your side...And that is the truth GYE is a really caring and close family and we care about how each other are doing you are officially part of the family, welcome!

Welcome YosefAvinu !

You're not isolated any more. And because of the different time zones we have people here all hours of the day and night.

You should also know that it's common for this addiction to drain your energy and muddle your mind. So things will change as time goes on !

YosefAvinu - You are a very fortunate person today. Don't give up on yourself and your family (especially yourself, though!). Consider remaining brutally honest, to get honestly better. Keep asking for tools, trying them out and making friends here. Focus on doing and giving rather than on cheshboning. And go to bed! (I was just talking to myself on that last one, not you at all....goodnight!)

Love,

Dov

Welcome Holy brother. welcome to the family. being desperate is good it makes you take action. please take action NOW. Posting Is a great help also. it lets you share and that help tons. Lol

Thank you all so much for your warm welcome.  I have not been able to reply in the past week.  But I am truly garteful to be here.  I would like to post on the forum daily, I think it would help me.  Sort of like a diary.

YosefA

Absolutely - I know that for me, posting helped me a lot as I was facing my issues, it made me confront, well, myself really. Posting on a regular basis, like in a diary, made me look inside and check how I was doing, how I was feeling.

Welcome aboard, my Holy Brother!!

Reading your first post was like looking in a mirror, only about 20 years ago! And how I wish i had been in your shoes then!! i wasn't aware enough of what i was doing to even THINK of reaching out, let alone not having the OPPORTUNITY to do so back then. You are actually very blessed to have come here now, when the resources and chevra are all set up and ready to grow with you. So, KOL HAKOVOD!!

We'll all get to know you with time, for now just relax knowing that YOU ARE NO LONGER ALONE. We are all on the same page page, and we all understand each other, sometimes more than we understand ourselves. Meanwhile, peruse thru the Handbooks and some of the inspirational stories off the Home page, as well as hang out on some of our journals. We can be VERY entertaining.

Good Shabbos!!

Steve

A gut voch,

Hope you have a GREAT WEEK, my friend. Stay strong.

Dear YosefAvinu,

Wishing you a nice week, and just here to say that it's OK to still be desperate for help.

Dear All,

I am feeling a bit lonely.  My wife is in hospital tonight for test for Diabetes.  I was in hospital all day for pre-assessment tests before surgery.  The kids are in bed.  Its 11pm here.  It is pretty lonely.  I was feeling like acting out.  The hzuk emails have helped and knowing that you guys are out there - shows me I am not really alone.
I am so grateful to you guys for showing me how to be sober one-day at a time.  And to enjoy life while being sober.

I would like to share a tip that has been working for me for some weeks now.  And which is a combination of tips learned here.

1.  I have made a list, a long one of things to do befeor heaven forbid acting out.
2.  I pray for syatta dishamaya often to see me through the day, until sof zman tefila the next day.  I do this on my way to tefilla in the morning, so while  I am spiritually and physically motivated
3.  I take a vow in the name of hashem my G-d, that if I act out in specified ways without first doing at least a specific number of items for my long list, that I'll report myself to my Rabbi.  Otherwise, if I do the specified things on my list and then heaven forbid act out, then I will not report myself.  The vow is limited to sof zman tefilla the next day.
4.  I try to forward anonymously to as many people as I can GUeyes emails
5.  I try to give some of my maaser to GUeyes

So when the desire comes, I tell myself ok, I am not fightinng the lust.  I just need to do those things on my list first, and think of the consequences of not doing them firts and having to tell my Rov - yikes!!  And so far, just thinking about doing them, dampens the desire.  The long list is to give me choice of actvities and it includes both physical and spirtual activities.  This is based on the advice of the chovot levavot that says that work is meant to make a person physically tired, while a person's intellectual/spiritual pursuits makes a person mentally tired, so living less coakh for **.  Also, the zchuyos of the mtzvos.  Even when one does something secular lshem shamayim, its a mtzva.

Thank you guys for being there.  I am off to bed now - until my wife gest back from hospital.

Yosef