Hello everyone, i have been on here for a while now, but never took the time to introduce myself, so here you will get a chance to take a look at me

29 YO, chasidish, few kids, married for 10+ years, crazy upbringing, crazy family, painful teen years, & a painful live overall, that’s y i am called JIP = Jew in PAIN

a bit history of family

I am part of a very large family, dad never worked, so we never had a $$, since he never worked he had a lot of extra time to harass us kids, Mom is an abused lady who suffered her life on her own, after she met my dad, we moved around the world throughout the years, which of course made things really nice for us to be newcomers every few years, of course daddy is a very big talmid chocem since he learned most of his days as a youngster, but as our sages in ovas already say learning alone isn’t enough to keep u sane, but i guess he was smarter,

Now a bit about myself,

i was a very good naive kid, very eidal, & good learner all the years, never made any trouble in chidar, of course i made at home since it was a hellish place to grow up in, till i was molested at age 9, than Life turned around, & ever since i am in pain Terrible pain, life went on as normal, but deep inside me i was torn apart from guilt, shame, fear, and all the rest, now did i became a bad boy? NO i didn’t i just had to keep up and swallowed the pain in me, did i ever tell anyone about it? of course not, as i didn’t have whom to tell, & would u take the courage to tell my mlamed, i would probably be taken into the makes room, & get my 39 malkes for being such a bad boy, so here i grow up & become a bucher, still keeping the secret even deeper into me, goin in yeshiva, starting with all the struggles  teens have, had to shove off every few months a friend who just wanted to have some fun & add some salt to my open wound, till I went out of that yeshiva at age 14, went in to a small yeshiva for 1 zman, that’s when dad got his share big time, that one of my family members went off the derech completely, so his power started to crumble a bit, of course I was sent away from home to live elsewhere, for this few months, than at age 14 ? I was drop shipped to Israel, probably the youngest American boy in Jerusalem who cares, away from home & that’s it, in a cretin way I felt free as I didn’t need to keep up with the monster, & I didn’t even call home for the 1st few months, I started up as a good boy there, but very quickly I decided I don’t wana be frum anymore, it’s time to go have fun, so I started to drop out of yeshiva whenever I had a chance, but for some odd reason, the guys who worked with me were able to keep me somewhat in line, even remember 1 scenario, where I decided this is it, I’m out of this yeshiva after a stupid fight with the magid shier, & ran to my place of course negotiations started right away when my mentors found out about & I told them outright I am going to be a street boy from now on, I even got a job for a few days where I earned 6 shekel an hour for operating machinery with my power, so I made some good exercise, I was happy as I was into that’s tuff, anyhow they were lucky to get me over for a talk with the amshinover rebba in beit vgan at 4 Am I do not remember exactly what we spoke about , I just recall that he really convinced some way to go back in yeshiva & so I did, for another year, than came yeshiva gdola, had to find a new place, hell started again, cuz who wanted me, I went to a few yeshivas for a interview, but they all said “I’m sorry but NO THANKS, finally a few weeks in zman I landed in a OOT yeshiva in Israel, where I guess they needed more students & $$$ talks, so I was in, I became a very good boy, made lots of progress in learning, again this yeshiva was filled with sex offenders, but I built a very strong wall around me, & stood up like a pro this 2 years I was there, till I 18 & I came home to get married

now I just gave u guys a VERY short diary of what happened through my years till now, but I just done have the koach to wrap it all up and expose it, as I will probably make my desk here wet from tears, so will leave it at that for now,

I came home & again yeshiva didn’t wana take me, since I didn’t learn for the last zman in the prior yeshiva due to some problems I fell in financially I dropped it all, turned to heavy smoking, & was busy fighting not to go in army, when I really wanted to go, but couldn’t do it, so I didn’t know a word, so I failed at the interview, again we made some phones calls here & there, & I got in a good yeshiva here in NY, were I got a very good name right away & after 1 zman I was engaged to the girl my JERK FATHER wanted me to, so I had no choice married the frummy he wanted, went in to Kolel, & played along with it, I was miserable as hell 3 months into the marriage, I already bought por* magazines, & I started leading a double life, since I wasn’t allowed to work , I had a lot of extra time on my hands, & just gave an opportunity to get worse & worse, chat rooms, adult forums, sex lines, & all the rest, of course I wasn’t able to focus on work even after wife stopped working & I had to go out, as I was just busy chasing gals out there, 7 years into marriage I  expressed to my wife, that I am not happy with her, & it was very painful for both of us, & she promised me to change for me, so she did come forward a drop, but still didn’t help me much & I just got worse & worse, b”h I never ever met anyone so I got clean hands, but my mind & heart are all messed up from this years of doing the wrong things, had many time suicidal thoughts over the past 3 years, if not the kids, I would have done it w/o a blink of the eye, till I came to a braking point a few months ago,  & decided that I do need professional help, & that’s where I am at now, so wife knows about my molestation I went through so she’s looking at me a bit different, but now she feels she is clean from all fo the problems since I am the abused kid, but let’s better not talk about this here, so here I am spend  20 years of my life in garbage, didn’t accomplish anything, would I get a chance from hashem today to die, I would gladly take it, life is full of struggles & don’t know hat people always say u can make it, u can do it, I have tried throughout the years, but till I came to a point that I lost faith in hasham unfortunately, I am working on it really hard, but every few days, when I hit a bump I fall back,
So what do I want from you out here with this post, a few things # 1 u hear me brag on the forum of different threads every time for somehi9tng else so at least u know where JIP is coming from, # 2 to all of u guys married or not, don’t keep any secrets in your life, it cost me my life, my business, & what not, u must play open cards, it does not help hiding stuff,

Thanks for reading & have a good day

JIP

That's a very sad story, and my heart goes out to you completely. That your life was miserable on any standard till now is unquestionable - it sucked!.

BUT whether your life will continue to suck is (mostly) up to you. And this is what we keep on trying to tell you. Stop wallowing in misery and self pity! Start building a new life!

Besides if you build a truly happy life that would br the best way to show up your father and all those who tortured you over the years! Show them that despite their best efforts to ruin your life, that you are tougher then them, that you are a survivor!

Me3 wrote on 16 Mar 2010 22:13:


thank u me3, but i am sorry to tell u, that u guys have no idea what u r all talking about, if u have not been there, u cant speak for the ones who have been, we dont control our lives, hashem is the ones who does & if he wants us to suffer we will & if he wont than wo woont, but to say that its up to me, i have heard this enough

sorry

JIP:
Could I try a slight re-interpretation of me3? He can give a bit of a sharp point to things on occasion, but I'm wondering if he might have been talking about a narrower version of saying it's "up to me." (Me, not me3 .)

You see, saying that improving LIFE is up to you would be cruel; it would suggest that YOU had a role in it being bad and it would suggest that it can't get GOOD until YOU somehow pull it together.  I can't IMAGINE that the guy means that.

Maybe he's just saying that it's up to everyone to see if they can remain open to Hashem in all circumstances, DESPITE the pain. So that He can bring us our messages in life in gentler fashions etc. So that He can be the gentler and loving Parent we all deserve to have as His children.

These are very esoteric concepts, and very hard for anyone to put into practice.  I certainly haven't yet. But they're nice philosophical theories to use as a starting ground. (Better than the opposite as a starting place, eh?)

And for someone who's had a real BIT*H of a life until now , it's probably even harder to take in. But all I think I would read out of Me3 is, "He really does want us to have an easier time. Really."

And to myself, I say: take that last sentence, read it to myself, repeatedly, until I really GET IT.

Yeah I really want too, evenmore than he does, but it aint happen, will and facts are very very far

I don't really have anything to say, other than to cry with you. I do want to disagree with you on one point - you said that you didn't accomplish anything. It may be hard to see, but I can guarantee you that you've accomplished a TON, and that's gotten you to the point where you are now - where things are still painful and difficult, but you're finally facing the issues and working on them, and there's hope for better days (even though that hope can seem distant at times).

Me3 wrote on 16 Mar 2010 22:13:


Wrong Wrong Wrong Wrong Wrong

Sorry to have to do this Me3... You mean well but obviously don't have the experience....

You seem to have this warped misconception that people in pain have this problem that they don't want to move on....

If I'm not mistaken JIP said he'd rather be dead than be where he is, if it were up to him he'd have killed himself...

How do you get the audacity to say:
"Stop wallowing in misery and self pity!"

Where in G-d's name do you get your views from...

If the Mods edit this... so be it.... I am merely speaking my heart...
Don't mean to offend anyone....

hi -

I read your story ... and then came back and reread it again to let it sink in.

If you read any of my other posts - you know I talk in mashaals sometimes..its not because I am so smart...its just that I am very right brain and even thought I can "see"what I want to say...teh words dont always follow the pictures...and thus the mashaal.

(for those of you thinking, huh?? you are probably very left brain - dont worry about it)

ok, JIP.. I hear you, and I hear your pain.

but try to take a step back - and see it from another side.

do you realize how much potential you have and how far you can go??
crazy , I know. but thinkk about rocket fuel for a moment.


its very high on the explosive list. smallest think can set it off - and yet it has the potential to lift a rocket to the moon. how far could you go with all that pent up anger, pain, etc if you were to channel those emotions - whether into work, learning or fighting your Y.H ??

But did you know to reach great heights - to reach the moon, the rocket ship needs to be able to let things go (in this case the fuel tank - once the fuel has been used up..its not needed in free space)

are you right brain thinker?
Add?
Adhd?

my guess is you probably are - after all we all are distracted somewhat by life.

don't sell youself self short - I think you;ve got TREMENDOUS potential. Up until now - maybe your choice of friends have been a bunch of trucks - but you are a  ROCKET SHIP and can reach far greater hieghts than they ever will be able too.

still not convinced - let me know... I might have a few spare rocket ship manuals lying around

DovInIsrael

Oy, so much pain. I am speechless.

With good therapy, hopefully you can start to heal and find happiness.

My bracha to you is, that one day you will look back at all your pain and somehow understand that it was for your good.

Love you, dear yid. May hashem say to your tzaros - di.

Thank u Guard
Thanks "trying"
Thanks to all of u for reading and for responding

JIP

I cannot say anything other than the fact that I am in awe of you and the it takes alot of courage to express what you did.

on the question of "why" some of those events happened I don't know and I don't think anyone on this earth will know.

But you should know,and this I am certain of,is that every single small small step that you take toward taking care of yourself,and every small effort you make to act in a  healthy way is worth a million times more to Hashem than another person's learning Shas over the course of many years.and in a strange way this spending 20 years of your life in "garbage" makes what you are trying to do now extremely beloved by Hashem.

JIP,as crazy at this may sound now,you may come across young men who went through similiar hell that you did,and you may be able to help them.This last statement may seem like a bunch of bull, the stuff you only read in chicken soup books or Pesach Kroen speeches,crappy positive thinking drivel,nice inspiring stuff that happens to other people, but not to a "jerk like me",but I'm telling you that much stranger things have happened,and when a molested boy of 18 years of age wants to kill himself so that he should not let shmutz like him mess up somebody else,and you,and only you,and only you,and only you,will be able to help him,because you had that hell of training that you did not ask for,that you wish never happened,but it did,so that makes you a qualified teacher on stuff like this.there are ton of young boys that are on the brink,you must get healthy,finish your training,and get to work,dragging these kids from the brink,and when they tell you "you don't know what the hell I am feeling so it's none of your F*** business whether I kill myself" you will tell them "I do know",and one look into your eyes and they will know you are telling the truth.guys with thier noses in seforim all thier lives can do nothing for these precious neshomas-but you can.and with Hashem's help you will.

I'm proud of you,dear friend       

I like these last few posts (yours, Guard, etc).
Hope you do, too.

I'll add just one add'l point to consider:  keep posting!!

I say this because FOR ME, at least, I get two things out of it:
1) sometimes I get some insights by reading my own words; and,
2) it's nice to see that I'm not alone in my feelings etc.

(Note that I didn't include on the list the idea of getting ready-made solutions:  some posts don't have anything in them that "hit home." Don't let that get you down.)

There's a lot of caring on this Forum, which sometimes is hard for us hard-headed guys to take in from other sources.

So, post post post. (If the idea "speaks to you.")

- Briut

Yechida and briut, u say both very good points, but what I find tuff, is that I know there r some people who can answer my questions and I just to get to them, I've gone through all I have said mit a shmits ariber, and yet I don't know why and what hahsem has in plan for me, or when will I see some inprovment, I did lots of improvment on my own, to name a few, 1st I am clean now for over 50 days, and I have done that many times in the past, I took upon myself to learn every single bingle day atleast an hour w/o stopping in the middle , and this I took on my about 8 years ago when a family member was sick, and till today I have not missed a day, let it be rosh hashuna,yom kiper, or purim, or the day my BIL died, and I. Did many other huge chesed projects on my own, but where is payment, the one who put me through this mess he's the only 1 to pull me out and I just think its fair to pull me out by now

chat forum = destruction

JIP: I'm quite relieved that all these posts (esp mine) don't offend. Whew! I know that everyone here has good intentions. Without exception.

I heard you just say:
--- the One who put me through this mess, He's the only 1 to pull me out, and I just think it's fair [to expect Him] to pull me out by now.

I agree. And why it can be that He doesn't SEEM TO help you -- in the face of so much bravery, so many tears, so much damage, so much... everything -- well, I don't know.

Yet I can tell you, He doesn't want any of us to "cave." Not to give up, not to give in, not to "lose it" in any sense. What He DOES want, and WHY he's setting us up with what we've got, and a hundred other "fair" questions -- ULTIMATELY HAVE NO ANSWERS. And yet, THAT DOESN'T SEEM TO MATTER! HE STILL BRINGS US BRACHAS OF ALL KINDS, ALL THE TIME.

I won't get into more details here -- it's probably not shayich -- but I just want to share my belief that you've still got a purpose here and it'll be gevaldig when (not if, WHEN!) it all fits together.

I admire your bravely continuing the good fight - it's inspiring.  Thanks.  - Briut