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TOPIC: Hello 1074 Views

Hello 14 Mar 2010 06:59 #58019

  • mosh843
Hey fellas....props to all of you for taking the intitiative to overcome what can be an overwhelming temptation. A bit about myself....I'm a college kid...and I really like porn...not sure how comfortable I am with the word "addict" but i definately feel entrapped by my "habit" lets call it, at times. But without getting caught up in symantics, I find my habit bothersome enough to actually go on this site and see what its all about. Truth is, I am not particularly obervant and sadly, there are probably many things in the Tora I transgress. I actually found this the most bothersome however. I guess it's because even on a purely intelectual level I realize just how gross pornography really is. I'm disgusted by it in every way, yet I keep watching it. It degrades women, devalues and demystifies sex, which can be a beautiful and meaningful part of a relationship. So I saw an ad in my synagouge about this site and here I am. Do I expect to suddenly stop?...probably not...I dont even know if I will ever stop watching porn....I just wanna say that right off the bat so there are no false pretenses....I respect anyone with the strength and courage to overcome their evil inclination but sadly, I really dont think I care enough. But it bothers me that I dont care...I'm so bogged down by years of disillusionment and cynacism....I feel like I've just become to jaded to care about anything related to my native religion.....putting all that aside however, this is the one thing I do that thoroughly sickens me that if i somehow find the strength to overcome it, I feel like my life will change...but even while I am writing this I have little paranthses in my head reading (well, as long as it isnt too great an inconvenince) ugghhh God help me
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Re: Hello 14 Mar 2010 07:51 #58021

  • Sturggle
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mosh,

first, WELCOME!!

i think we all have those little voices inside of our heads telling us to do many diff things,
or not to, and pulling us in different directions.
you posted, so kol hakavod for that.
where you want to go with this is entirely up to you.
maybe try sitting down alone and hearing out the different voices in your head,
and see which ones are really you and go along with what you really want out of life
and those that might be strong, might be enticing, might even seem like they're you,
but they are not moving you forward, but holding you back...

b'hatzlacha and keep letting us know how you're doing!
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Re: Hello 14 Mar 2010 15:35 #58058

  • the.guard
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Dear Moshe843,

I am the admin of this forum. Welcome to our community!

As far as your question as to what constitutes an addiction, see this article where Rabbi Twerski (a world renowned expert on addictions) explains how one can get addicted to this from a single use! And listen to this 4 minute audio clip from him too.

Even if someone can go without it for a long time, he is still addicted if specific situations make him feel powerless to resist it even though it goes against his morals and inner desires. See also this page.

Also, as Rabbi Twerski once asked someone who asked your question, "if you're not an addict, why don't you just stop doing it?"

Beating this addiction has nothing to do with religion. We have a few non-religious people on this forum too. An addiction is a disease, which manifests itself in many levels, physical, emotional and spiritual. People realize it is slowly destroying their lives, and they come here and start to recover... If we want to have a healthy and meaningful life, we can't be ruled by our basest instincts. This addiction will prevent of us from ever being a good husband and father, holding down a steady job or being a healthy and happy human being. And it is a progressive disease, which only gets worse.

On GYE you will learn how to "hit bottom while still on top". Don't wait for the addiction to destroy your life. To explain better what I mean, I just set up this page - specially for you - to convince you to take recovery seriously! (hope it helps  )

Scientific studies have shown that it takes 90 days to change a neural thought pattern that was ingrained in the brain through addictive behaviors. Did you join the 90 day chart on-line? Sign up over here...

Make sure to install a strong filter. It will be almost impossible to break free of this while having all the garbage within a mouse click away. See this page for one good filter option, along with instructions on how to install it best - and give away the password to our "filter Gabai"... See this page for another 20 (or so) filter ideas and information...

We get cries for help every day, by e-mail and on the forum. Tzuras Rabim Chatzi Nechama    And that is why we created the GYE handbooks (links below). If you read them well, from beginning to end, slowly, and try to implement what you read, you will find the answers within them to enable you to completely turn your life around. You're worth it.

Also, join the daily Chizuk e-mail lists to get fresh chizuk every day, and post away on this forum. You will get tons of daily Chizuk and support. This disease can't be beat alone. It works best when you get out of isolation!

GuardYourEyes also offers various free anonymous phone conferences, where you can join a group of other frum Yidden, along with an experienced sponsor. See this page for four different options. Our conferences are taking place daily, throughout the week... This would be a tremendous step in the right direction for you and help you learn freedom from this addiction. Not only will you learn the secret of the 12-Steps - which is known to be the world's most powerful program for beating addiction having helped millions world wide, but joining the group will be another way of GETTING OUT OF ISOLATION and connecting with others who are going through what you are.

Let me tell you a little about the two GuardYourEyes handbooks. They lay down the cornerstone and foundation of our work, and they make our network much more effective and helpful for people.

You see, until now, people would often get "lost" when coming to our website, not knowing what tips and techniques to try. For example, a beginner wouldn't jump straight into therapy or 12-Step groups, while on the other hand, someone whose addiction was more advanced wouldn't be helped by the standard tips of "making fences" putting in "filters" etc... So it was essential to develop a handbook which details all the techniques and tools to dealing with this addiction in progressive order. Now with these handbooks, anyone can read through and see what steps they've tried already, and if those steps haven't worked, they can continue on through the handbook where the steps become progressively more powerful and "addiction-oriented".

And the second handbook, called the "Attitude" handbook, can also help anyone, no matter what level of addiction they may have. Often people write in to us saying that had they only known the proper outlook & attitude that we try and share on the GuardYourEyes network when they were younger, they would have never fallen into an addiction in the first place! So we hope that through this handbook, many addictions will be prevented.

The handbooks are PDF files, set up as eBooks, and they have bookmarks and hyper-links in the Index, to make them easy to navigate.

Note: You might want to print them out to read away from the computer. Keep in mind though, that if you do this, you won't be able to click on the many web links in the articles. But you can always come back to them later. The truth is, it's anyway good to go through the whole handbook once without clicking on links, just to get an overview of all the tools available. Once you did that, you can start again from tool #1 and read each tool through more carefully, click the links and study each technique and assess whether you have tried it fully yet or not...

Right click on the links below and select "Save Link/Target As" to download the handbooks to your computer.

1) The GuardYourEyes Handbook
This Handbook details 18 suggested tools and techniques, in progressive order, beginning with the most basic and fundamental approaches to dealing with this addiction, and continuing down through increasingly earnest and powerful methods. For the first time, we can gauge our level of addiction and find the appropriate tools for our particular situation. And no matter what level our addiction may have advanced to, we will be able to find the right tools to break free in this handbook!

2) The GuardYourEyes Attitude
The Attitude Handbook details 30 basic principles to help us maintain the proper attitude and perspective on this struggle. Here are some examples: Understanding what we are up against, what it is that Hashem wants from us, how we can use this struggle for tremendous growth, how we can deal with bad thoughts, discovering how to redirect the power of our souls, understanding that every little bit counts, learning how to bounce back up after a fall, and so on and so forth...

May Hashem be with you!
Webmaster of www.guardyoureyes.org - Maintaining Moral Purity in Today's World. We’re here on a quest ; it’s really all a test. Just do your best and G-d will do the rest.
Last Edit: 14 Mar 2010 16:22 by .

Re: Hello 14 Mar 2010 16:01 #58063

  • briut
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Hi, 843:
I also say, welcome.

Plus, I'll say not to worry that certain words like 'addict' don't ring true to you.

The important issue is that you see a corner of your life you'd like to address or heal or clean or reduce or something. Whatever this involves, your Jewish soul will probably find it easier to address in a Jewish forum than in a culture that celebrates rather than disciplines a 24/7 shmutz machine.

I've only been here a couple of months, and I post fairly compulsively (an escape from other motivators, perhaps?), and I find it helpful. I also don't like the word 'addict' for my personal situation (my story is hanging out on 'introduce yourself' for the world to see, for better and for worse: hold onto your hat).

I also don't think my answers sit in 12-step programs or preaching or inside jokes or whatever.  I didn't feel that way on post #1, and I don't feel that way now (day 61 of staying clean -- I don't like the word sober, either, by the way, but 'clean' sounds okay).

So, do what Guard says: look around, and see what works for you. Most of all, don't get worried that it's all too frum here to interest you. (Feel free to send me a private message if the yeshivisch words get too intense -- I may or may not be able to help but I'll try. Example: I'm not sure but I've decided the word Woodford must be Yiddish for "drinking to self-medicate from other problems" .)

Posting is good. The more personal, painful, etc the more useful because there's NO place else you'd say these things. (And if you would, you may have OTHER issues!)

Good luck.
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Re: Hello 14 Mar 2010 16:23 #58068

Hi Mosh,

WOW!

your openness and honesty is incredible!
You are at a point which took me a long time to get too.

I know how you feel -
I felt the same way.

I remember the cynical feelings, too.

Can I ask you a question?

Where do we find boundaries?

Ans: In things which are important...
...and in places of Kedusha.

The internet - allows us to break free of all boundaries -
we become like superman... with our internet vision we can look from one end of the planet to the next,
we can see through walls, doors and even clothing.

It is exciting - the porn industry invests millioons of dollars a year to figure out how to make it interesting and exciting for you (and me, and everyone else)...

they want to capture your attention.
In a sense they want to steal your focus.
The constant click and flick only further wears down our ability to focus

Try to imagine - how would you describe someone without a focus...
their mind wanders, they procrastinate, cannot devote attention to their job, family, spouse, etc.

A life without borders... without focus...
is a life which lacks importance...
lacks kedusha...

and the porn industry knows this - it draws you in ...and gives you a false sense of importance...a false sense of excitment....its a system where the pleasures fade away to pain.

I am not hear to tell you what to do - you can decide for yourself.
However if you want someone to listen too - there are some great people here on the forum, or any of the 12-step calls.  some great people - who have been there, and done it, and got over it.

but I can tell you this - lfie is much better now after breaking throuhgh the false illusions of the internet trap, than it was ever before.

DovInIsrael








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Re: Hello 15 Mar 2010 14:58 #58223

  • silentbattle
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Reb Moshe - welcome!

I call you "reb" because despite your insistence that you may not care enough, it's clear to me that you DO care. it may be difficult for you to muster up the energy, but you obviously do have values, and you want to grow. And part of that growth can be figuring out your feelings about "your native religion." Another holy jew posted a thread about his messed up image of hashem in the "break free" forum, which you might find interesting.

Feel free to post about your struggles, your desire to grow, the obstacles in your way, whatever.

And one more thing - you'd be amazed at what you're able to accomplish, and how good it can make you feel. I know I was, on both counts!
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Re: Hello 16 Mar 2010 03:17 #58354

  • 123.trying.123
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Welcome...

I too would not describe myself as an "addict"...
I too am not on the exact page as most others...

Who cares... If this place may help you in anyway stick around...
If someones stuff 'talks' to you take it...
If it doesn't don't...... :

You are definitely trying to move forward... Just do the best you can...

Peace and Love Holy Brother.....
Last Edit: 16 Mar 2010 03:19 by .

Re: Hello 16 Mar 2010 16:05 #58412

  • silentbattle
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Oh, yeah - about the "addict" term...it's a funny term, and no one feels comfortable with it, whether or not they really are. My personal approach is this: Whether or not I'm an addict, the techniques used to treat addiction can help me do what I want, live my life the way I want to.

Hope you're having a great day!
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Re: Hello 21 Mar 2010 00:36 #59035

  • mosh843
Wow...thanks guys. I am honestly surprised and moved by your candid and sicere responses. After reading a few of them I'm thinking that matbe I really do care more than I am brave enough to acknowledge. Maybe fear of failure is a contributing factor. Either way, I have just deleted whatever porn I had on my computer. That is not to say I have "kicked the habit" but I do feel like I just one a very small battle in a very big war. Great to meet all you guys and best of luck in your personal struggles. I am surprised to find myself back on this forum, but after reading what you guys had to say, I think I will most likely be back.
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Re: Hello 21 Mar 2010 01:19 #59037

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mosh843 wrote on 21 Mar 2010 00:36:

Wow...thanks guys. I am honestly surprised and moved by your candid and sicere responses. After reading a few of them I'm thinking that matbe I really do care more than I am brave enough to acknowledge. Maybe fear of failure is a contributing factor. Either way, I have just deleted whatever porn I had on my computer. That is not to say I have "kicked the habit" but I do feel like I just one a very small battle in a very big war. Great to meet all you guys and best of luck in your personal struggles. I am surprised to find myself back on this forum, but after reading what you guys had to say, I think I will most likely be back.


I've learned that when I get inspired to change, that It is best for me to not go overboard (in other words take a move in the right direction, but something that is not above me...)

The Vilna Goen writes that people sometimes put all there efforts into moving forward only to find that they are not getting anywhere...

They then get angry with Hashem... and have complaints for not getting heavenly assistance....

He writes that what they don't realize is that the reason for their failure is because they jumped to things they weren't up to....

I hope I quoted it properly... I'll look it up again when I get a chance....
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Re: Hello 21 Mar 2010 20:55 #59130

  • Holy Yid
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This is not about religion per say this is about taking back control of our lives and healing the pain we are trying to hide from. Working on these things will help me and you lead happier more fulfilling lives. I still want pron but I know am happier without it.
זכרני נא, זכרני נא, וחזקני נא אך הפעם הזה, הפעם הזה, האלקים, ואנקמה נקם אחת משתי עיני, מפלשתים
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Re: Hello 22 Mar 2010 13:11 #59226

  • the.guard
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mosh843 wrote on 21 Mar 2010 00:36:

Wow...thanks guys. I am honestly surprised and moved by your candid and sicere responses. After reading a few of them I'm thinking that matbe I really do care more than I am brave enough to acknowledge. Maybe fear of failure is a contributing factor. Either way, I have just deleted whatever porn I had on my computer. That is not to say I have "kicked the habit" but I do feel like I just one a very small battle in a very big war. Great to meet all you guys and best of luck in your personal struggles. I am surprised to find myself back on this forum, but after reading what you guys had to say, I think I will most likely be back.


One small step for GYE, one GIANT step for Moshe!  :D
Webmaster of www.guardyoureyes.org - Maintaining Moral Purity in Today's World. We’re here on a quest ; it’s really all a test. Just do your best and G-d will do the rest.
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Re: Hello 22 Mar 2010 15:13 #59237

  • silentbattle
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That is incredible - I do hope you feel proud of yourself. And I hope you realize that in the truest, deepest way, you've made the world a better place.

When I see someone as inspiring as you, it helps me keep going. Thank you!
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