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Hi my name is zalmandovid and I am an addict
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TOPIC: Hi my name is zalmandovid and I am an addict 4449 Views

Hi my name is zalmandovid and I am an addict 01 Mar 2010 06:15 #55749

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B"H

Hello,

After being in denial for so long I have finally come to admit to myself that I am an addict. I am determined to stop, but I need help. I hope to find that help in this community of people looking to become more pure. My epiphany occurred when In a rage I threw my laptop out the third floor window of my apartment building. I am sickened by myself. Of course as an addict I found means with which to procure the lust I so deeply craved. I went without acting out for three and a half weeks and than I drowned again. I know I can succeed and I need help.....

Thanks for this beautiful place. I know I can win and change my life for the better.
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Re: Hi my name is zalmandovid and I am an addict 01 Mar 2010 14:10 #55761

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Welcome, Reb Zalmon Dovid!

Clearly, you have a strong desire to grow and change - by focusing those energies in the right way, you will surely see tremendous progress!

GYE is indeed a beautiful place, full of people trying to become more pure - and you're now part of that beautiful place, you're one of those holy warriors! Stick with us, we're here for you, no matter what!
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Re: Hi my name is zalmandovid and I am an addict 01 Mar 2010 17:35 #55778

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Hello zalmandovid i am Chazak Amenu i think it is a really smart decision to come here i have only been here for a few days and i can see how much people care! i have gotten to around the month mark a few times before this website but i know i can go further and surely you can to  good luck and if you ever need someone to talk please send me a message! and i will reply during a break or after school ends!
to tell you the truth i would like to have someone new to this to talk to as well.


Sincerely, Chazak Amenu
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Re: Hi my name is zalmandovid and I am an addict 01 Mar 2010 18:00 #55785

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Mitzad Echad, chazal are medameh Ka'as to avodah zarah, in that a person loses total controll of his judgement, and subjugates himself to the whims and desires of his yetzer hara.

Mitzad sheini, breaking the computer betond repair sounds like a good solution. And although one user on this site has that as his avatar (baseball bat shmashing a computer monitor), this is only a temporary respite, in addition to a heavy financial loss. And if you didn't have an files, pics, vids, or special software installed to assist in your search for shmutz....then breaking the computer is simply ba'al tashchis*. why?

   Ain davar HaOmeid bifnei haratzon. Every sinlgle action event or occurance is preceeded by a ratzon, the ratzon Hashem. And Hashem decreed that Haba letamei poschin lo, he let's us, HKB"H find us a way to do it. Our own ratzon is futile in these matters, since we do not suffer from a mere 'middah', this is a 'machala'. We are neurologicly conditioned to seek a FIX, to any of a variety of triggers. To each his own, yet some are uneversial. The only reason that there is no issur yichud on a computer, is beause it didn't exist in the time of chazal. We simply cannot allow ourselves to be misyacheid with a coputer. And before we start making hetairim, we must realise that we are all classified as Prutzim, and the computer is something that LOibo Gas Bah.      simply put, we cannot 'just stop'. If we shmash the computer, Hashem will find us something else.

   Our only choice is to cure this desease. We must first BREAK the neurological pattern, for 90 days. We must re-create for ourselves a healthy way of dealing with our triggers. And if we have a computer, we must have a foolproof filter and reporting software.

There are 3 things HKB"H called "rah" (bad), and the yetzer hara is one of them. I think it's the aruch laner that explains this gemara. One one hand, the pasuk by the 6th day of creation says "Vayar Elokim ki tov meod" which chazal expound that "tov" is the yetzer hara, "meod" is the yetzer tov (lited 2nd since it only comes into a person at 13). The abbiility to fight, the pottential to wage an ongoing milchemes hayetzer is a GOOD THING. That's why the passuk calls it "tov". However, "ki yetzer lev ha'adam Ra minurav" reffers to the Y"H as bad?  the Aruch laneir reconsiles the contradiction like this.    When the Y"H provides one with the ability to wage an ongoing battle, and progressively win (men die on both sides of a battle, whomever loses less.....wins) it is a very good thing. However if one doesn't fight it, and suffers a crushing defeat. HKB"K "regrets" bringing it uppon us.  

Yet even in such dire circumstances the gemara goes-on to give us a ray of hope.
אמר רבי יותנן אלמלא שלש מקראות הללו נתמוטטו רגליהם של שונאיהן של
ישראל חד דכתיב ואשר הרעתי וחד דכתיב 15 הנה כחומר ביד היוצר כן
אתם וגו׳ ואידך 16 והסרתי את לב האבן מבשרכם ונתתי לכם לב בשר רב
פפא אמר אף מתאי נמי 17 ואת רוחי אתן בקרבכם וגו׳
15  הכיוצר הזה לא אוכל לעשות לכם בית ישךאל נאם ין הנה כחמר ביד היוצר כן אתם בידי בית ישראל:  ירמיהו יח ו
16   יחזקאל לו כו    ונתתי לכם לב חדש ורוח הדשה אתן בקרבכם והסרתי את לב האבן מבשרכם ונתתי לכם לב בשר:
17 ואה רוחי אתן בקרבכם ועשיתי את אשר בחקי תלכו ומשפטי תשמרו ועשיתם: יחזקאל לו כז

Since we are the "handiwork" of hashem, he is -lehavdil- "obligated" to fix us. And hashem will remove our current desires, freeing us tfrom the bonds of our Y"H. And removing from whithin us the lust and desires he has etched within our mindet. And even with all this there remains the chance that we can relaps, lacking the drive to grow in ruchnius. So for this Hashem promises to give us a new heart, a new yearning for torah mitzvos and avodas hashem. And since we still run the risk of lacking the geshmak in our avoda, and therby lacking the DRIVE that will proppel us to tzidkus.... thus R papa adds

*on second thought. Since we are required to give all of our money, not to transgress a negitive mitzva, mybe we are required to brek the computer before looking at shmitz, even if we will have to buy a new one tomorrow.  (just tell your wife that a p--- site popped up out of nowhere, and you immediately shmashed the 'little devil')
Last Edit: 01 Mar 2010 23:39 by .

Re: Hi my name is zalmandovid and I am an addict 01 Mar 2010 23:20 #55826

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Dear zalmandovid,

I am the admin of this forum. Welcome to our community! Once you've arrived, there's no turning back. Everyone here will just grab a hold of you and pull you up, up, up!

Smashing the computer is a typical addict thing to do  It just shows the level of determination you have to change. But the fact you fell back into it anyway, highlights the "powerlessness" that an addict feels. Once you admit this powerlessness, you can finally get out of "Hashem's way" so to speak, and let HIM help you.

Scientific studies have shown that it takes 90 days to change a neural thought pattern that was ingrained in the brain through addictive behaviors. Did you join the 90 day chart on-line? Sign up over here...

Make sure to install a strong filter. It will be almost impossible to break free of this while having all the garbage within a mouse click away. See this page for one good filter option, along with instructions on how to install it best - and give away the password to our "filter Gabai"... See this page for another 20 (or so) filter ideas and information...

We get cries for help every day, by e-mail and on the forum. Tzuras Rabim Chatzi Nechama    And that is why we created the GYE handbooks (links below). If you read them well, from beginning to end, slowly, and try to implement what you read, you will find the answers within them to enable you to completely turn your life around. You're worth it.

Also, join the daily Chizuk e-mail lists to get fresh chizuk every day, and post away on this forum. You will get tons of daily Chizuk and support. This disease can't be beat alone. It works best when you get out of isolation!

GuardYourEyes also offers various free anonymous phone conferences, where you can join a group of other frum Yidden, along with an experienced sponsor. See this page for four different options. Our conferences are taking place daily, throughout the week... Duvid Chaim's group just started a new cycle now. Join his group. This would be a tremendous step in the right direction for you and help you learn freedom from this addiction. Not only will you learn the secret of the 12-Steps - which is known to be the world's most powerful program for beating addiction having helped millions world wide, but joining the group will be another way of GETTING OUT OF ISOLATION and connecting with others who are going through what you are.

Let me tell you a little about the two GuardYourEyes handbooks. They lay down the cornerstone and foundation of our work, and they make our network much more effective and helpful for people.

You see, until now, people would often get "lost" when coming to our website, not knowing what tips and techniques to try. For example, a beginner wouldn't jump straight into therapy or 12-Step groups, while on the other hand, someone whose addiction was more advanced wouldn't be helped by the standard tips of "making fences" putting in "filters" etc... So it was essential to develop a handbook which details all the techniques and tools to dealing with this addiction in progressive order. Now with these handbooks, anyone can read through and see what steps they've tried already, and if those steps haven't worked, they can continue on through the handbook where the steps become progressively more powerful and "addiction-oriented".

And the second handbook, called the "Attitude" handbook, can also help anyone, no matter what level of addiction they may have. Often people write in to us saying that had they only known the proper outlook & attitude that we try and share on the GuardYourEyes network when they were younger, they would have never fallen into an addiction in the first place! So we hope that through this handbook, many addictions will be prevented.

The handbooks are PDF files, set up as eBooks, and they have bookmarks and hyper-links in the Index, to make them easy to navigate.

Note: You might want to print them out to read away from the computer. Keep in mind though, that if you do this, you won't be able to click on the many web links in the articles. But you can always come back to them later. The truth is, it's anyway good to go through the whole handbook once without clicking on links, just to get an overview of all the tools available. Once you did that, you can start again from tool #1 and read each tool through more carefully, click the links and study each technique and assess whether you have tried it fully yet or not...

Right click on the links below and select "Save Link/Target As" to download the handbooks to your computer.

1) The GuardYourEyes Handbook
This Handbook details 18 suggested tools and techniques, in progressive order, beginning with the most basic and fundamental approaches to dealing with this addiction, and continuing down through increasingly earnest and powerful methods. For the first time, we can gauge our level of addiction and find the appropriate tools for our particular situation. And no matter what level our addiction may have advanced to, we will be able to find the right tools to break free in this handbook!

2) The GuardYourEyes Attitude
The Attitude Handbook details 30 basic principles to help us maintain the proper attitude and perspective on this struggle. Here are some examples: Understanding what we are up against, what it is that Hashem wants from us, how we can use this struggle for tremendous growth, how we can deal with bad thoughts, discovering how to redirect the power of our souls, understanding that every little bit counts, learning how to bounce back up after a fall, and so on and so forth...

May Hashem be with you!
Webmaster of www.guardyoureyes.org - Maintaining Moral Purity in Today's World. We’re here on a quest ; it’s really all a test. Just do your best and G-d will do the rest.
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Re: Hi my name is zalmandovid and I am an addict 05 Mar 2010 04:38 #56479

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Thank you everyone for making me feel so welcome here. From the moment I spotted this website I knew I had found my cure. I feel that an important part of my road to recovery is letting out my story, so here goes, my story in short.

My story starts from a very young age. I was brought up in a Frum household. I can remember from when I was about four years old how I would pleasure myself. Of course this only began to cause Z"L later on.

I was always a very quiet shy kid. I had a lot of anger inside me all the time. We had a lot of children in the family and my parents had a tough time raising us all. Because of this we would oftentimes have the TV and Movies as our babysitter. I was therefore roughtinly exposed to goyeshe ideas and untznius images. I was also exposed to many untznius images in the form of magazine brochures for womenwear in our home. Aggravated by minor abuse in the home I would oftentimes be very frustrated and take out my anger on myself. It was a release, a way to deal with my annger.

When I left home for Yeshiva at the age of fourteen (the ever so tumultuous teen years) I was exposed to real hardcore p***agraphy for the first time. From than on my habit turned from a way with dealing with anger into a addiction and lust. Since than I have never been able to fill that gaping hole inside me that yearns for fullfilment and cannot be sated.

My addiction escalated the year my father got sick. I fell into a deep depression. Incidentally I had worked the past summer and was able to afford to purchase a laptop for myself. I was so excited. Little did I know that that piece of machinery would be the harbringer of my biggest decent into the depths of Pritzus and true evil. A computer opens up opportunity to a world of no restriction. Truly my Yetzer Harah was able to roam free in an endless frenzy of Tummah. Now I had upgraded from mere photos to full videos of pure evil. My Lust for flesh was unsatiable. The hole inside me was getting only bigger.

My fathers ultimate untimely death had a very negative effect on me in every possible way. I was angry at myself. I was angry at the world. I fell into a steep dangerous depression. I questioned the truth of everything. If g-d was around how could he allow such a thing to happen to my dear father. I was so broken. I would show g-d. I gave into my passions and allowed myself to sink into lower realms of Tumah online.

Boruch Hashem I got over my fathers death (if thats possible) with the help of frinds and family, and have been able to find happiness in my life. Yet my addiction lingers and it is ruining my life. I have to change. I tried means of dulling my passions. I joined a gym to let out my energy. I read some Chizuk from this site. I strengthened my connection to Hashem by learning more and davening with more Kavannah. I added more meaning to my life. everything was going great. I was making real progress. And than I fell. I had survived almost a month without acting out. How can I fall? I tried so hard.

I have come to loathe myself. In my self anger I contemplated suicide (if only very temporarily). In my wrarth I decided to kill my computer instead. I threw him out the window (see myprevious post). Of course this didn't help and I found ways to feed my addiction. And than I realized. I am addicted. I actually admitted it to myself. I decided the only way to overcome it is by joining the only thing that ever helped me. This website. I have now been a week and a half clean. The first few nights were painfully excruciating. I did not sleep a wink. My body stayed awake. I had strong tremors. My body was urging me to act out. Begging me to give in. I did not give in. I came to this site and found a place that had graphic content to help destroy your passion. It saved me.

I have since bought a new (cheap) computer with the intention of using it for this website. I know I can change and I will with the help of hashem.

My next post will B"H bring good news of growth. I am optimistic but I fight each day not to slip. It is so hard. If anyone has advice or any words at all feel free tp spill them on me. Thank you so much for listening.
Last Edit: 17 Mar 2010 21:36 by .

Re: Hi my name is zalmandovid and I am an addict 05 Mar 2010 11:29 #56501

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Wow, what a story! The ways of Hashem are so hidden, but surely Hashem knows exactly what you needed to go through for your tikkun. One day you'll look back at your past and see it in a different light altogether.

It is great that you came to the realization that you have an addiction. That is the first step to real healing.

The fact you went for a month without it, and again now for 10 days, shows great inner strength.

I strongly encourage you to join Duvid Chaim's phone conference. There you will learn the tools to dealing with this addiction and facing real life.

Also, since there are many underlying issues that caused the addiction, such as anger, depression, etc. it would be very worthwhile for you to see an addiction therapist. See this page for some ideas.

And make sure to read both handbooks. They will provide you with step by step tools to deal wit the addiction.

May Hashem be with you!
Webmaster of www.guardyoureyes.org - Maintaining Moral Purity in Today's World. We’re here on a quest ; it’s really all a test. Just do your best and G-d will do the rest.
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Re: Hi my name is zalmandovid and I am an addict 05 Mar 2010 16:07 #56524

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All I can say is that I'm truly impressed. You're facing your issues, you're dealing with them, you're growing! It's that simple.

I think it's very good that you feel you've grown past a lot of the issues that were hurting you, and yet - it's likely that some of the issues you experienced growing up caused some of the issues you have today; from your post, you seem to realize this already. Recognizing this neediness is important.

Posting is, too. Connect with us here, open up, and get to know yourself on a deep level - and watch as you grow!
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Aguttevuch! 07 Mar 2010 03:11 #56649

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Hey there,
Shabbos is over and here I am at the GYE forum. I am proud to say that I have installed the K9 fiilter on my computer. I have also subscribed to the daily Chizukk e-mails, and I applied for a sponser and partner (any takers?) I'm really excited actually. I think this will be a big source of salvation for me. One of the big problems I have is the triggers which set me off. With the filter in place I think it will help a lot.

So after browsing through this site I came upon Bruce's story. It really connects with me. I think his Matzav is/was very similar to my own.

One of the biggest pushes that got me to realize my addiction and face it like a man is the fear that it will ruin my future marriage. I think the reason I haven't been able to find a mate is because I have this addiction. But I am on the road to recovery.

I was thinking recently how much growth I have lost because of this debilitating cancer i have had since childhood. My life could have been so much richer if not for this disease. Of course this is not the sole contributor to the way my life has been up until now, but it definitaly has had a huge impact. It makes me pretty sad :'( and angry > of course I know all of the stuff that has been said by the Chassidic masters about how each soul has it's own specific avodah in this world, and maybe this is one of the avodahs my soul has come down into this world to fulfill. Yet I still am saddened. nu nu so is life.

I am also scared. Scared that I will slip and fall. And than I will have to start again. And I will hate myself.

Well I guess U will just have to Tracht Gut Vet Zayn Gut - Think good and it will be good.

One of the great Chassidic masters explains that When we say "think good and it will be good" It doesn't mean that I will think good and hopefully it will be good. Rather Thinking good actually creates a good reality. My thinking good directly creates the good in my life. The book "the secret" actually touches on this point

Tracht Gut Vet Zayn Gut!

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Re: Hi my name is zalmandovid and I am an addict 07 Mar 2010 03:54 #56651

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Hello, I think this is going to be one of the best decisions of you're LIFE! dont become angry at you're self if you fall as a lanky teenager i know what it is like to fall in a physical sense (tripping over my feet, tripping over other peoples feet and other objects etc.) ;D i realize that it is just part of growing up and becoming a man and the same applies for you and everyone else who may fall will it will only make you stronger! you will eventually stop falling and will grow out of you're addiction!

PS. i am turning 15 in a month and i am over 6ft 2!
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Re: Hi my name is zalmandovid and I am an addict 07 Mar 2010 12:26 #56689

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Wow.

It makes such an impression on me when folks find this place, show up, and start the very brave work ahead of them. And how HKB'H loves us all and is just waiting to help us once we open the gates the width of a hair.

As a random thought, someone reminded me recently of a movie called Close Encounters of the Third Kind. For those unfamiliar with cinema , one part of the plot is that a handful of isolated people, from all around the world, suddenly get a common vision of a place. Same picture, same tune in their head, same urge to show up at the same mountain, etc. And the ones who act on it... all begin to meet each other en route to that same mountain. They're too scared to explain exactly why they came, since they've been so laughed at back home, until they see that all the others are whistling the same tune and painting the same picture.

And then they all end up on the same mountaintop together, and realize their urges brought them all there for a common purpose and a common mission.

It's a pretty vapid movie, I'll confess, but the image of folks coming from so many different directions, places, backgrounds, etc to converge on one website and do the work that needs doing ... wow.

ZD: I appreciate your sharing your story. Keep going.
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Re: Hi my name is zalmandovid and I am an addict 07 Mar 2010 20:16 #56750

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ZD, Welcome Home!

Wow. I am amazed at your story. Especially at your strength and perseverance! coming to terms and accepting your addiction has taken many of us YEARS to get to. Baruch Hashem you have made it here faster!!

Like you said, Hashem has designed our lives and written the script in such a way that each of us was BOUND to get here, as addicts seeking recovery at our own Har Sinai, GYE. And so NOW begis our real life's mission, each of us working alone AND TOGETHER on our private and collective Tikkunim.

If you are able to join Duvid Chaim's Conferrence Call as Guard suggested in his second post to you (March 5), it would be a great help to you. You'll see by reading the forum i am a big advocate of the program. it has really helped me a lot, and opened my eyes to several ways to deal with and reduce the urges to follow my eyes and to act out. It's all anonymous, but the fellowship and camaraderie is SOOOO real.

Meanwhile, take advatage to EVERTHING this heilige site has to offer. And do everything in your power to limit your new internet access to GYE and Pure Torah sites.

Keep On Trucking!!

Your new friend,

Steve
No one is so small that he can not give help, and no one is so big that he doesn't need it.

Kol HaOlam Kulo, Gesher Tzar Meod, V'HaIkkar: Lo L'Pacheid Klal.
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Re: Hi my name is zalmandovid and I am an addict 08 Mar 2010 02:03 #56819

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Hello Steve. Thank you so much for all of the encouragement. After reading some of your thread I am honored to be on the same forum as you. You are a true fighter.

I have begun reading the handbooks. They are def a big help. I plan on joining duvid chaims phone group but i don't know when. It is in the middle of work and I can't just leave, so I'm not so sure what to do about that yet.

Oy how I wish I was further along this journey than I am now.

I so much want to get on with the rest of my life and I am being held back by this disease. I wish I had found GYE sooner. I am so upset with myself for allowing this to go on for so long and not taking care of It. I really want to find a wife and settle down. My mother and family are putting their efforts into getting me me married off and here I am stuck with this. I feel like I am lying to every girl I date when I know I am unhealthy and can't start a proper relationship.

Ninety days seems so far away... And when I get there will things be different? Will it be easier?For the rest of my life will I have to walk down the streets pinching myself when I take a second look at the women walking towards me. I have it built in to look where I shouldn't. I have trained myself for years to seek out the Taivos My YH so strongly beckons me to look to.

Hashem why why...

It is Mamash hard. That feeling is always tugging at me. Urging me to slip and fall. When I am here on the GYE I feel safer. I need all the help I can get

I am sickened by my YH. He will do anything he can to bring me down. If I meet him on the street one day I'm gonna beet the s**t out of him.

This week IY"H I will seek out a local therapist. I don't think he is an addiction therapist. I don't think I really want to talk to him about this issue anyway. I am very concerned for my anonymity/reputation and in my life experience I have come to learn not trust many people.

I turn 24 this Month. Mazel Tov! I cry as I read that number and think how I am still suffering from my disease. I remember as a younger bochur I would think about how I would for sure get over this issue and be married by 22. My life was picture perfect in my dreams. The contrasting reality almost makes me laugh. Things didn't pan out as planned I guess. G-d had different plans.

I did a lot of street walking today and averted my eyes from every lady that walked by. I hated having to keep consciously tell myself not to look or look away. What the heck is wrong with me??? What a Behaima. And yet I keep lusting. Oy what a dumb Avoidah. 

The YH is a major a**hole. I hate his guts. And yet he lives inside my heart. He will be under my control one day,and than we will see how he likes it. HA HA HA (insert evil which laugh sound here)






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Re: Hi my name is zalmandovid and I am an addict 08 Mar 2010 02:15 #56824

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Dear Reb ZD - you say you wish you were further along. I say, that you are quite far along - further along than most people ever get! Be proud of yourself!

Everyone has it "built-in" to look where we shouldn't. What sets us apart from animals is that we can work to improve, and you're doing just that! That's beautiful!

Personally, I find that taking off my glasses helps. If you have glasses, you might want to try it. Not only does it stop you from seeing things clearly, I find that it makes it easier not to focus, even when things are closer.

Can I ask why you don't want to go to an addiction specialist? Is the person you're going to recommended by anyone?


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Re: Hi my name is zalmandovid and I am an addict 08 Mar 2010 03:12 #56847

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Well the reasons I don't want to speak to a addiction specialist about my lust addiction is because

1. The therapist is a Frum Yid from my community and I am concerned about my reputation and my family's reputation. As much as therapists have a code to keep I cannot imagine that in some way it will not backlash.

2. I think I am able to open up to someone not frum (or Jewish) about my addiction, but frankly I don't think I can afford the treatment. Since my fathers death I support myself completely and having gone only to Yeshiva for many years I have a job right now that just gets me by, therefore I will probably go for one or two sessions for general issues.

3. I have the GYE community and all it has to offer.

A vort I heard:
The hebrew word for dog is Kelev. The name Kllev comes from the words Koolo Lev which means "it is all heart". And it is true, dogs truly are all heart. Dogs are so full of love. They are always so happy to see their owners. That is why people love their dogs so much. They always love you no matter what imperfections you have. They will always run to the door to greet you and lick you all over even if you are smelly,ugly,dumb, or obnoxious.

On the flip side dogs (animals in general) are constantly fulfilling their carnal desires, the desires of their heart (Lev). They do whatever they want, whenever they want to. They are truly animals. They are Koolo Lev.

The human being on the other hand was given the power to rise above his carnal desire. We have a Seichel with which to dictate and control the whims of our heart. Not only that but the Seichel of a person By Nature is the Ruler of the heart (Moyach Shalit Al Halev Betuldaso). When we know that by nature our Saichel controls our hearts desires this will make it easier to fight the urges that arise.
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