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Hi, My name is DesperateJew, and I am an addict.
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TOPIC: Hi, My name is DesperateJew, and I am an addict. 4689 Views

Hi, My name is DesperateJew, and I am an addict. 22 Feb 2010 15:46 #54736

I have been reading the Chizuk emails for a few days now and I finally decided to face the reality. I am an addict.

I have a question though. From what I have been reading, I see there is scientific data about the 90 day count. On the other hand, I seem to hear people say that there is a need to take each day for it's own and not put an emphisis on the bigger picture. Are those two different paths for each person to choose what works best for them, or how do they coexist?

Thanks to all for what is surely to be a refreshing change in my life!
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Re: Hi, My name is DesperateJew, and I am an addict. 22 Feb 2010 15:51 #54739

  • the.guard
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Dear DesperateJew,

I am the admin of this forum. Welcome to our community! Once you've arrived, there's no turning back. Everyone here will just grab a hold of you and pull you up, up, up!

Scientific studies have shown that it takes 90 days to change a neural thought pattern that was ingrained in the brain through addictive behaviors. Did you join the 90 day chart on-line? Sign up over here...

You ask a good question. But without too much "lomdus", I think the answer is rather simple. We need to live only in the present moment. Tomorrow is out of our control, as is yesterday. We need to stay sober only NOW, only today... And if we succeed in doing that for 90 days, then we can change the addictive pattern in our mind! 

Make sure to install a strong filter. It will be almost impossible to break free of this while having all the garbage within a mouse click away. See this page for one good filter option, along with instructions on how to install it best - and give away the password to our "filter Gabai"... See this page for another 20 (or so) filter ideas and information...

We get cries for help every day, by e-mail and on the forum. Tzuras Rabim Chatzi Nechama    And that is why we created the GYE handbooks (links below). If you read them well, from beginning to end, slowly, and try to implement what you read, you will find the answers within them to enable you to completely turn your life around. You're worth it.

Also, join the daily Chizuk e-mail lists to get fresh chizuk every day, and post away on this forum. You will get tons of daily Chizuk and support. This disease can't be beat alone. It works best when you get out of isolation!

GuardYourEyes also offers various free anonymous phone conferences, where you can join a group of other frum Yidden, along with an experienced sponsor. See this page for four different options. Our conferences are taking place daily, throughout the week... This would be a tremendous step in the right direction for you and help you learn freedom from this addiction. Not only will you learn the secret of the 12-Steps - which is known to be the world's most powerful program for beating addiction having helped millions world wide, but joining the group will be another way of GETTING OUT OF ISOLATION and connecting with others who are going through what you are.

Let me tell you a little about the two GuardYourEyes handbooks. They lay down the cornerstone and foundation of our work, and they make our network much more effective and helpful for people.

You see, until now, people would often get "lost" when coming to our website, not knowing what tips and techniques to try. For example, a beginner wouldn't jump straight into therapy or 12-Step groups, while on the other hand, someone whose addiction was more advanced wouldn't be helped by the standard tips of "making fences" putting in "filters" etc... So it was essential to develop a handbook which details all the techniques and tools to dealing with this addiction in progressive order. Now with these handbooks, anyone can read through and see what steps they've tried already, and if those steps haven't worked, they can continue on through the handbook where the steps become progressively more powerful and "addiction-oriented".

And the second handbook, called the "Attitude" handbook, can also help anyone, no matter what level of addiction they may have. Often people write in to us saying that had they only known the proper outlook & attitude that we try and share on the GuardYourEyes network when they were younger, they would have never fallen into an addiction in the first place! So we hope that through this handbook, many addictions will be prevented.

The handbooks are PDF files, set up as eBooks, and they have bookmarks and hyper-links in the Index, to make them easy to navigate.

Note: You might want to print them out to read away from the computer. Keep in mind though, that if you do this, you won't be able to click on the many web links in the articles. But you can always come back to them later. The truth is, it's anyway good to go through the whole handbook once without clicking on links, just to get an overview of all the tools available. Once you did that, you can start again from tool #1 and read each tool through more carefully, click the links and study each technique and assess whether you have tried it fully yet or not...

Right click on the links below and select "Save Link/Target As" to download the handbooks to your computer.

1) The GuardYourEyes Handbook
This Handbook details 18 suggested tools and techniques, in progressive order, beginning with the most basic and fundamental approaches to dealing with this addiction, and continuing down through increasingly earnest and powerful methods. For the first time, we can gauge our level of addiction and find the appropriate tools for our particular situation. And no matter what level our addiction may have advanced to, we will be able to find the right tools to break free in this handbook!

2) The GuardYourEyes Attitude
The Attitude Handbook details 30 basic principles to help us maintain the proper attitude and perspective on this struggle. Here are some examples: Understanding what we are up against, what it is that Hashem wants from us, how we can use this struggle for tremendous growth, how we can deal with bad thoughts, discovering how to redirect the power of our souls, understanding that every little bit counts, learning how to bounce back up after a fall, and so on and so forth...

May Hashem be with you!
Webmaster of www.guardyoureyes.org - Maintaining Moral Purity in Today's World. We’re here on a quest ; it’s really all a test. Just do your best and G-d will do the rest.
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Re: Hi, My name is DesperateJew, and I am an addict. 22 Feb 2010 15:59 #54741

Thanks for the response.

I ask because I know that in the past, I have had many clean periods since being clean for an extended period was a goal. Once I failed myself and my goal, it was no longer worth the fight.

Do others find that difficulty as well? Is it a key component to my recovery to count the 90 days? I fear that if I fail at day 45, 65, or 85, I will not be able to start the count again.

Any thoughts?
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Re: Hi, My name is DesperateJew, and I am an addict. 22 Feb 2010 16:05 #54744

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the 90 days is crucial. if you break the flow, you will have to start again.you need 90 days straight, just like anti-biotics - you need 10 days straight. but take it one day at a time, so it doesn't seem overwhelming.or a second at a time, if that's what youy need.do you look at bava basra and say 'oh no, how am i going to get through 176 blatt? (really 175). or do you say 'i have one blat to do today, or one line to do today, etc.? you might fall, so what?? get up and try again. it might take 1000 tries until you don't fall anymore. but so what? at least you're moving in the right direction.dont be like me and wait 38 years! jack
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Re: Hi, My name is DesperateJew, and I am an addict. 22 Feb 2010 16:22 #54752

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Dear DJ,

I'm with Guard and with Jack.  The 90 days are important, very important, to, b'Ezras Hashem, help break out of this addiction until 120 years.  However, both before and after the 90 days are complete, we must always take it one day at a time.  The reason is that everyone is capable of staying clean if it's only for one day.

Even if completing 90 days is very hard, ask yourself: Do I want the hardest part to last 90 days or 90 years?

rehab-my-site.com/guardureyes/forum/index.php?topic=1297.0
Just as an alcoholic needs to avoid that first sip, a lust addict needs to avoid that first slip.Slip today? No way! ;)Fall today? No way, Jose'!
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Re: Hi, My name is DesperateJew, and I am an addict. 22 Feb 2010 16:28 #54757

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I think that every day is important, and valuable and special. And each day that we stay clean is a reason to celebrate!

However, I also think that as we get further and further away from our disease, there's a value in realizing just how far away we've gotten. Realizing that we CAN say no, that giving in is NOT inevitable.

Great to have you joining us - this is a great place to be, and I know that I've grown in amazing ways since coming here - I'm sure you will, too!
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Re: Hi, My name is DesperateJew, and I am an addict. 22 Feb 2010 16:34 #54765

Thanks all for the responses...

As per your advice, I just joined the 90 day chart. Wish me luck !

So, what is the value in continuing the count afterward reaching 90?
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Re: Hi, My name is DesperateJew, and I am an addict. 22 Feb 2010 16:55 #54772

  • the.guard
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Once I failed myself and my goal, it was no longer worth the fight.


This is the Yetzer Hara's best trick. But we need to know that Hashem doesn't ask for perfection, only progress...
Webmaster of www.guardyoureyes.org - Maintaining Moral Purity in Today's World. We’re here on a quest ; it’s really all a test. Just do your best and G-d will do the rest.
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Re: Hi, My name is DesperateJew, and I am an addict. 22 Feb 2010 17:40 #54787

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DesperateJew wrote on 22 Feb 2010 16:34:

Thanks all for the responses...

As per your advice, I just joined the 90 day chart. Wish me luck !

So, what is the value in continuing the count afterward reaching 90?


It's a motivator ("do I really want to end my 9 month streak?").  However, after 90 days, most people don't keep track of their count on as frequent a basis.
Just as an alcoholic needs to avoid that first sip, a lust addict needs to avoid that first slip.Slip today? No way! ;)Fall today? No way, Jose'!
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Re: Hi, My name is DesperateJew, and I am an addict. 22 Feb 2010 18:27 #54795

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It's a reminder that each day is still important, and a reminder of just how far away we are from our disease...yet also remembering that we need to keep moving further and further away.

For me, one thing that helped a lot was posting about my struggles, and opening up about the process of growth I was going through, facing my issues, etc. The support and feedback I received from other people here was incredibly helpful to me!
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Re: Hi, My name is DesperateJew, and I am an addict. 22 Feb 2010 18:39 #54799

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guardureyes wrote on 22 Feb 2010 16:55:


Once I failed myself and my goal, it was no longer worth the fight.


This is the Yetzer Hara's best trick. But we need to know that Hashem doesn't ask for perfection, only progress...


How true! He certainly knows how to get straight to the buttons that work best against me.

I've always been somewhat of a perfectionist. So when it comes to my personal struggles and battles, I want to see success. When I see myself failing, I feel that I shouldn't bother with the battle. It's unfortunate that I take that approach when dealing with my life. This is not a real estate deal. I wish I could remember that at all times.
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Re: Hi, My name is DesperateJew, and I am an addict. 22 Feb 2010 21:53 #54841

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you dont have to count after 90.the longer you do this, you lose count after a while. but i do know that i've been doing this for a year and a half! and just like guard said, i'm looking back and saying wow! i climbed all the way up mount everest? UNBELIEVABLE. jack
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Re: Hi, My name is DesperateJew, and I am an addict. 22 Feb 2010 23:01 #54864

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Being a perfectionist is good - and when you get up to heaven, hopefully they'll look at you and say, "you did a perfect job!" Remember, though, that your purpose in life is to do YOUR job perfectly; not someone else's. So do today perfectly, one day at a time.

If you started taking martial arts, would it bother you that you're weren't performing perfectly - or would you be happy, as long as you were perfect for your own level?
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Re: Hi, My name is DesperateJew, and I am an addict. 22 Feb 2010 23:19 #54869

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silentbattle wrote on 22 Feb 2010 23:01:

So do today perfectly, one day at a time.


Very well said!

But using your example, I would be disappointed if I made it to a Black Belt, and then for some crzay reason forgot all I had learned and had to start all over again.

I am beginning to realize here, that I am not beginning all over again if Chas V'Sholom I have a fall. I am simply continuing my daily journey.
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Re: Hi, My name is DesperateJew, and I am an addict. 22 Feb 2010 23:23 #54873

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Exactly - a fall doesn't mean that you're back to where you started! It's like missing a day of practice as a black belt - it certainly effects you, but you're still kick-tushy! (are the moderators gonna go after me for that? :D)

And even your overall journey, your purpose is to work on getting clean - you may or may not be at the point where you'll never fall again - the only way to find out is to try, and rejoice at your successes!
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