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I need guidance
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TOPIC: I need guidance 4792 Views

Re: I need guidance 14 Feb 2010 00:30 #53024

  • silentbattle
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2 good points, which I'm sure you share with a lot of people on here.

1) You can say that you've been thinking about the fact that the gedolim all talk about how important it is to have a filter. And that you want to try to follow their wisdom.

2) Putting a filter on is certainly not the final step, you're absolutely right - it's the first step, of many. It allows you a bit of breathing room while you try to sort yourself out. Also, it's not hiding from your problem, it's using something to help you accomplish what you really want.

After you install a filter, I promise that you will still be able to work on this issue in many ways - whether it's working on shmiras einayim while you're walking in the street, or...well that's part of what you're here for! Post away, and explore what feelings come up. Perhaps you were using this as an outlet to escape from stress. Or boredom. Or responsibility. See what you feel, talk about it, and grow along with us!

And by the way, I like your new name - does that allude to an issue you have?

Remember, the only way we can truly be free is by surrendering to Hashem, getting close to him.
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Re: I need guidance 14 Feb 2010 04:38 #53058

  • Kedusha
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lovebeingincontrol wrote on 14 Feb 2010 00:18:

I cant get a filter on my computer, two reasons... A. my wife will realize and B. I worry that it wont solve the problem just throw it in the closet and when a opportunity comes along i wont have the power to control myself.

I would love to hear some opinions on both matters. Thanks!


Welcome, LBIC!

Your wife needs to realize that you have a filter, because she is the one who most likely will be holding the password (and if the password is lost, it should be sent to an e-mail address to which you have no access, most likely your wife's).  All of this can be accomplished without your wife being told anything, other than you're following Rabbinic guidance that no man, even the Gadol Hador, should have unfiltered Internet.

You're 100% correct that a filter alone will not solve your problem, and may even give you a false sense of security.  The solution, however, is not to skip the filter (I'd be toast without mine); it's to have the filter, and then work the GYE program, as if you had no filter.

Hatzlacha!


Just as an alcoholic needs to avoid that first sip, a lust addict needs to avoid that first slip.Slip today? No way! ;)Fall today? No way, Jose'!
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Re: I need guidance 14 Feb 2010 20:43 #53142

  • Holy Yid
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Glad you changed your name but I would think about changing it again. We do not look for control here, only sanity.

You ask why a filter? You say MY WIFE WILL FIGURE OUT I HAVE AN ISSUE AND THEN WHO KNOWs WHAT SHE WILL DO!!!

We say: chill out. I also thought that if I mentioned the word 'filter' EVERYONE will know I struggle (by the way, who is 'everyone' that we are always afraid of?) Guess what I brought up the 'F' word and lived to tell the tale.

See, part of this addiction thing is that we have a very funny perception of the world. One place it comes out is in "FILTER" and other safe guards.

Blame the filter on your Rabbi. If he does not think you need a filter GET A NEW RABBI!!!
Also the was a very interesting article about the internet in Mishpacha Magazine this week. Get it show it to your wife.

You ask if I get I filter that will solve my problem?

I say: If that is true so why not get 100 of them? Do you like 'living' like this?

I also say: the real answer is that YOU ARE WRONG!!!!!!

Lust addiction is not AT ALL about the urge to lust.

It is about you or me trying to hide from our feelings. We have feelings we are trying to hide from, that we are afraid of, that we are petrified of, so we look for something to hide in. Some hide in drugs, some in food, some in alcohol. We happened to find lust first.

You and I need a filter so we can stop lusting and listen to ourselves and learn what we are trying to hide from. Once we figure it out we can start to work on it.

I suggest you get a good book on self esteem for starters. You should also think about learning Ali Shur from Rav Wolbe or something similar. 


BEST OF LUCK and keep on trucking and posting.
זכרני נא, זכרני נא, וחזקני נא אך הפעם הזה, הפעם הזה, האלקים, ואנקמה נקם אחת משתי עיני, מפלשתים
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Re: I need guidance 15 Feb 2010 12:06 #53307

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Buddy, it's like fighting lust davka in a brothel. Why?
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Re: I need guidance 15 Feb 2010 12:12 #53310

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lovebeingincontrol wrote on 14 Feb 2010 00:18:

Thanks guys, i changed my name. Being that i am new to this site just wanna say I already feel better knowing that there are people out there just like who understand me. Just talking about my problem and hearing advice from everyone really helps. I cant get a filter on my computer, two reasons... A. my wife will realize and B. I worry that it wont solve the problem just throw it in the closet and when a opportunity comes along i wont have the power to control myself. I would love to hear some opinions on both matters. Thanks!
To my dear holiest brother,

I too had this same fear before i got myself a filter. But it finally came to a point that i realized it was do or die!!!! So i installed the filter, while explaining ot my wife, that i did it to make sure nothing unexpectedly would come up. And when im on a site that might have not such tzniyusdike pictures theyll get blocked. She totally bought it. And more, she was proud of me that i was taking the extra step of shemiras einayim. Try it , it may work!

Hatzlacha!
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Re: I need guidance 15 Feb 2010 15:54 #53358

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Thank you all for the advice, i tried once and failed. I was sitting down one evening and i mentioned how a rebbe of mine said that no person is allowed to have a computer without a filter and etc etc. So first she said ok so put one on, so i told her how she has to be the one holding the password and etc and she took it the wrong way. She is a very naive girl and she was insulted. She didnt understand how i can have a tiyva for another woman. I tried to explain to her that every man faces these issues but it was to no avail. So i am afraid to bring this up to her again because than she might think there is a problem. 
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Re: I need guidance 15 Feb 2010 16:03 #53360

  • Holy Yid
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Next Time Blame Her Holding The PAssWOrd on the rabbi also. i know many who hold that
זכרני נא, זכרני נא, וחזקני נא אך הפעם הזה, הפעם הזה, האלקים, ואנקמה נקם אחת משתי עיני, מפלשתים
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Re: I need guidance 15 Feb 2010 16:05 #53361

  • Holy Yid
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Plan B use the filter gabai on this site. you can find instuctions on the home page.
זכרני נא, זכרני נא, וחזקני נא אך הפעם הזה, הפעם הזה, האלקים, ואנקמה נקם אחת משתי עיני, מפלשתים
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Re: I need guidance 15 Feb 2010 16:40 #53367

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Here some advice: tell your wife that its not about the porn stiff. Tell her you waste too much time on youtube and other websites like that and you think it is effecting your relationship with your wife. ANd if you didnt have these roadblocks on the computer, your relationship would be much better. Girls like when guys do that kinda stuff... I think.

-Yiddle
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Re: I need guidance 15 Feb 2010 17:37 #53374

  • Shlomo
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until you have a filter, its nearly impossible to win or even fight this battle. if the only thing you take away from this website is getting a good filter, things will be better than before (though i'm sure you'll learn a million things more on GUE). Like Holy Yid said, just use the filter gabbai (filter.gye@gmail.com) to hold onto your password.

and another useful tool is the forum itself. post to your heart's desire. tell us about your victories and struggles. give others words of wisdom. in addition to the filter I installed, this forum has been the most valuable tool in fighting in this struggle.

and also, stay b'simcha. that helps too  :D
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Re: I need guidance 15 Feb 2010 18:20 #53379

  • silentbattle
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Sounds like a complex situation. Seems like the yetzer hora really doesn't want you getting a filter - all the more reason to get one!

I'm sure you'll figure out a way to do it, whether it's finding a way to help your wife understand (maybe having an old teacher/rav/rebbetzin explain to her how guys are, and the fact that what you're doing is an amazing step of shmira for your relationship) or just using the filter gabbai - and You'll feel fantastic, and Hashem will be proud of you!
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Re: I need guidance 16 Feb 2010 03:26 #53483

Hello...
I think you will start to feel a little better after you put together a streak of about two weeks.  Then you can build from there.  Until then hang on and just commit yourself to each day individually.  No matter what it takes I will be clean today!
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Re: I need guidance 16 Feb 2010 05:46 #53502

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Should a day feel too long do a few hours at a shot or even one hour.
זכרני נא, זכרני נא, וחזקני נא אך הפעם הזה, הפעם הזה, האלקים, ואנקמה נקם אחת משתי עיני, מפלשתים
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Re: I need guidance 16 Feb 2010 12:05 #53540

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Like someone else mentioned before, have the filter gabbai hold the password. And again, dont tell her it has anything to do with porn. its just an extra precaution. Tell her because you love her so much you dont wanna take any chances of seeing anything you shouldnt. Even on clean sites sometimes things popup or there is an ad. Tell her you dont want your eyes to see even this little bit. Hard for me to believe this wouldnt work. Precautionary measures as they say!

Hatzlacha!
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Re: I need guidance 16 Feb 2010 21:32 #53672

  • shemirateinayim
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sorry i didn't read the first page of your thread, but the whole purpose of the filter is to be more than just a heker. Why would anyone give it to their wife, if even women should not have unlimmited acess. And even for those women 'who would never do anything wrong', the spiritual destriction of that 'thing' entering a bayis... in itself desroys the chinuch of the children, on a darga ruchani! Is there any benefit that I am not aware of, in giving thepassword to one's wife??



some poskim hold a hecker suffises to prevent yichud (eg locking a door that you can unlock). However here, it would definitely be lebo gas bah, in addition to making the premise of ishto mishamraso questionable, since the very nature of this addiction has us doing it under the very noses of 'shomrim'. No smicha in hilchos yichud, but I once learnt it well. Except for the marriadge applications.
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