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I need guidance
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TOPIC: I need guidance 4791 Views

I need guidance 10 Feb 2010 11:44 #52431

  • al chait
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Hello everyone, im new to this forum and site, i am married for about a year and i am an addict and have been for years, believe it or not i am in kollel now and have been in yeshiva my whole life. I cant control myself i love my wife and she loves me and i cant possibly tell her. I once alluded to it and she freaked out from the thought of it. It took me so long just to try and hint to her to tell her that i have a problem. Now i feel so lost, i can never tell my wife and now im just stuck here without anyone to talk to or confide in. Please someone help me and give me some hadrucha. I dont know where to turn and what to do. I wanna stop so badly but everytime I say i will stop i fall and every time i fall it hurts more and eats me up inside more and more. This forum looks so complex with so many different threads, i just want help, if there is anyone who can lend a yid a hand.
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Re: I need guidance 10 Feb 2010 12:07 #52432

  • kanesher
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chill out, dear friend.

For now, leave your Rebbetzin out of this. Seriously, it's not a good idea - not just yet.

Well to the land of the addicts. We've been there. We're pretty lomdusish too. Some of us are in Kollel, as well. Welcome home buddy. You can beat this. It's an addiction, drop the al chait stuff. This has been beaten by so many. You can - and will - do it too.

Read the Handbooks on our home page on the right hand.

You're not bad.
You're not evil.
You're not a faker.
You're addicted.

And we'll help you beat it.

Welcome home! Just stay, keep reading and posting, and be committed to listening to what's tried and true - and will lots of blood, tears, toil and sweat - and an Aliyah that you can't imagine - you'll be home free.
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Re: I need guidance 10 Feb 2010 12:31 #52436

  • the.guard
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Dear al chait,

I am the admin of this forum. Welcome to our community! Once you've arrived, there's no turning back. Everyone here will just grab a hold of you and pull you up, up, up!

It hurts to hear your story, because it sounds like the story of everyone else here on this forum! But you will quickly find that there is finally real hope. Hundreds of Yidden in your situation have found freedom from this addiction on our network, with the help of the group support and the many, many tools available (see the handbooks below)...

Scientific studies have shown that it takes 90 days to change a neural thought pattern that was ingrained in the brain through addictive behaviors. Did you join the 90 day chart on-line? Sign up over here...

Make sure to install a strong filter. It will be almost impossible to break free of this while having all the garbage within a mouse click away. See this page for one good filter option, along with instructions on how to install it best - and give away the password to our "filter Gabai"... See this page for another 20 (or so) filter ideas and information...

We get cries for help every day, by e-mail and on the forum. Tzuras Rabim Chatzi Nechama    And that is why we created the GYE handbooks (links below). If you read them well, from beginning to end, slowly, and try to implement what you read, you will find the answers within them to enable you to completely turn your life around. You're worth it.

Also, join the daily Chizuk e-mail lists to get fresh chizuk every day, and post away on this forum. You will get tons of daily Chizuk and support. This disease can't be beat alone. It works best when you get out of isolation!

GuardYourEyes also offers various free anonymous phone conferences, where you can join a group of other frum Yidden, along with an experienced sponsor. See this page for four different options. Our conferences are taking place daily, throughout the week... This would be a tremendous step in the right direction for you and help you learn freedom from this addiction. Not only will you learn the secret of the 12-Steps - which is known to be the world's most powerful program for beating addiction having helped millions world wide, but joining the group will be another way of GETTING OUT OF ISOLATION and connecting with others who are going through what you are.

Let me tell you a little about the two GuardYourEyes handbooks. They lay down the cornerstone and foundation of our work, and they make our network much more effective and helpful for people.

You see, until now, people would often get "lost" when coming to our website, not knowing what tips and techniques to try. For example, a beginner wouldn't jump straight into therapy or 12-Step groups, while on the other hand, someone whose addiction was more advanced wouldn't be helped by the standard tips of "making fences" putting in "filters" etc... So it was essential to develop a handbook which details all the techniques and tools to dealing with this addiction in progressive order. Now with these handbooks, anyone can read through and see what steps they've tried already, and if those steps haven't worked, they can continue on through the handbook where the steps become progressively more powerful and "addiction-oriented".

And the second handbook, called the "Attitude" handbook, can also help anyone, no matter what level of addiction they may have. Often people write in to us saying that had they only known the proper outlook & attitude that we try and share on the GuardYourEyes network when they were younger, they would have never fallen into an addiction in the first place! So we hope that through this handbook, many addictions will be prevented.

The handbooks are PDF files, set up as eBooks, and they have bookmarks and hyper-links in the Index, to make them easy to navigate.

Note: You might want to print them out to read away from the computer. Keep in mind though, that if you do this, you won't be able to click on the many web links in the articles. But you can always come back to them later. The truth is, it's anyway good to go through the whole handbook once without clicking on links, just to get an overview of all the tools available. Once you did that, you can start again from tool #1 and read each tool through more carefully, click the links and study each technique and assess whether you have tried it fully yet or not...

Right click on the links below and select "Save Link/Target As" to download the handbooks to your computer.

1) The GuardYourEyes Handbook
This Handbook details 18 suggested tools and techniques, in progressive order, beginning with the most basic and fundamental approaches to dealing with this addiction, and continuing down through increasingly earnest and powerful methods. For the first time, we can gauge our level of addiction and find the appropriate tools for our particular situation. And no matter what level our addiction may have advanced to, we will be able to find the right tools to break free in this handbook!

2) The GuardYourEyes Attitude
The Attitude Handbook details 30 basic principles to help us maintain the proper attitude and perspective on this struggle. Here are some examples: Understanding what we are up against, what it is that Hashem wants from us, how we can use this struggle for tremendous growth, how we can deal with bad thoughts, discovering how to redirect the power of our souls, understanding that every little bit counts, learning how to bounce back up after a fall, and so on and so forth...

May Hashem be with you!
Webmaster of www.guardyoureyes.org - Maintaining Moral Purity in Today's World. We’re here on a quest ; it’s really all a test. Just do your best and G-d will do the rest.
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Re: I need guidance 10 Feb 2010 12:56 #52439

  • Avreich
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Welcome to a site that apparently has helped hundreds, or thousands? to one degree or another. Since everything is anonymus here, it is impossible to know of course, but based on the comments made on the forum, people are being helped in all kinds of ways.

It's true that there are many threads. Because of that, I often get diverted and don't read the most helpful ones. But, I am quite sure that, with a little time, like a day or  week, you will be able to find what is more or most helpful to you. I see that the Guard wrote you a welcome letter, so he probably gave you advice on these things.

This site is something new and dynamic, i.e. changing as we learn what works, what does not, et cetra.

I would like to suggest that using this site, and the principles taught or learned herein, is not in contrast to doing tshuvoh. It IS one way, maybe THE way to do tshuvoh in this generation, for most of us.
Last Edit: 10 Feb 2010 13:06 by .

Re: I need guidance 10 Feb 2010 14:57 #52458

  • shemirateinayim
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the greatest "quick fix" is putting-on the strongest filter that you can get away with.  You can always add a better one.  Halachikly you must, unless you somehow get a heter (had been done). Oh and please don't make the same misstake as so many others..... don't know what the password is!!!!

The same can be done for an Iphone or blackberry, if you got one.  Just keep in mind, that if you don't, one day your wife may find a way to see what you so online, and you'll pay the hard way.

Ain Apitropus La'arayos. and the same way you must still observe hilchos yichud, after you are married. SO too one cannot be left alone with the internet, even when married. And rabanim have, for obvious reasons, stated that the hilchos yichud of the internet must be more stringent than regular yichud (Ba'alah Bair shouldn't work, since all you need to do is close the browser window when you hear the door opening).
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Re: I need guidance 10 Feb 2010 16:16 #52475

  • silentbattle
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First of all, I want to welcome you, Reb al cheit!

As has been mentioned before, than handbooks give a lot of useful info. The first step would probably be getting a filter. Have you tried that?

The site may look complicated, but you've taken the first step - you've opened up. For me, that step forward has helped me reach places I never thought would be possible. For me, slowly opening up and talking about my issues, getting encouragement and insight, sharing with others, helped me tremendously. You can also read other people's posts, and give them chizzuk, which is a good way to quickly feel like you're part of things, and to learn from how others are dealing with this battle.

Remember - the fact that you've had the courage to post here means that you are incredibly holy, and hashem is so happy that you've done so! Be proud of yourself!
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Re: I need guidance 11 Feb 2010 11:11 #52657

  • al chait
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Thank you all very much for all the care and advice you have given me. I really hope we can all do this together.
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Re: I need guidance 11 Feb 2010 17:31 #52702

  • silentbattle
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We're glad to have you here - For me, opening up helped a lot, discussing my issues helped me focus on what I needed to work on.
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Re: I need guidance 11 Feb 2010 17:40 #52710

  • imtrying25
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Well believe it or not, im in kollel too and im an addict too!   :D :D

Welcome welcome my holy friend! Youve come to the right place to get help. Check around the site for all the grest things it has to offer! Do you have a filter yet? This is of utmost importance for someone who really wants to get past this ugly monster!

Also keep on posting. Let us now how your doing, and send a shout out when in need chizuk!!!

with much love to a holy brother,

IT25
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Re: I need guidance 11 Feb 2010 20:20 #52767

  • sci1977
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Just take it in small time frames and all will be OK.  Everyone here will help.  Just by posting something you are stronger then you think.  Stay positive and welcome aboard!
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Re: I need guidance 11 Feb 2010 20:39 #52771

  • jack
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dear ing, my name is jack, please read my recovery story.i was addicted for 38+ years until i found this site.do the 90 days, one second at a time if you have to.join a phone group - you will find one that suits you.dont attempt this by yourself.would you attempt to climb mount everest all by yourself? falling is part of the process. you have started on the road to recovery! yasher koach. the first step is to admit there is a problem - many people are in denial and dont admit they're addicts.you know the guy who says he can quit anytime? yeah, sure.i am clean for almost a year and a half with a few slips spaced out over about 6 months each.but basically i'm doing fine. but - once an addict always an addict, and it never totally goes away.but we can control it - IF WE WANT TO. take the ball and run! hatzlacha raba jack
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Re: I need guidance 11 Feb 2010 20:57 #52777

  • jack
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one more thing - get a sponsor who you can call (almost) anytime when you are weak. i can't emphasize enough how a sponsor helped me through the toughest times, mainly the first day and the first 90 days.i spoke to my sponsor every week, and i wrote to guard ten times a day. he put all his mesiras nefesh into me, just like he does for everybody else on this forum. jack
Last Edit: 11 Feb 2010 20:59 by .

Re: I need guidance 11 Feb 2010 21:30 #52779

  • Holy Yid
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WELCOME WELCOME!!

You are not the only one here who is in Kollel. There are many here who are in kollel. There are also mageidai shuir as well. You are in good company.

Please change your name. The days of relating to this as sin are over.

At this point, do you think you can control yourself?

If you say NO then why talk about sin, talk about behavior.

STOP FEELING BAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
that what a certain, well known, truck driver turned professor calls "FELL SHELL"

So you ask, why bother stopping?

GOOD QUESTION!!

ANSWER: If you don't stop you will end up spending your whole day online looking at P***. You will have no life. You will not learn torah. You will ignore your wife and kids. You will not get a SHTELLAR  or be able to hold down a job.

Basically you should want to stop to be able to have a life NOT to stop 'sinning'


You: So how do you stop?

Me: I don't know?

You: So why do we have this site?

Me: To stop

You: I don't get something here, your not making sense.

Me: Why do you say that?

You: Are you CRAZY?

Me: I was till I found this site. Then I learned to stop trying and start living

You: HUH?

Me: I'll explain. Step 1: Admit you have a problem you can't control. Post that, post it often don't forget it.

Step 2: Don't resist the urges,that makes them stronger. Insted gently put your mind some place esle.

If that does not work tell yourself I will wait 15 minutes and then I will allow myself to do whatever I want. During that time do something you enjoy. That might help you. If it does not you will have the merit of that 15 minutes.


BIG SECRET post here often tell us about your struggles and victories.
זכרני נא, זכרני נא, וחזקני נא אך הפעם הזה, הפעם הזה, האלקים, ואנקמה נקם אחת משתי עיני, מפלשתים
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Re: I need guidance 12 Feb 2010 20:55 #52972

  • silentbattle
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:D :D :D

Well, said, and thanks for making me laugh!
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Re: I need guidance 14 Feb 2010 00:18 #53021

  • al chait
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Thanks guys, i changed my name. Being that i am new to this site just wanna say I already feel better knowing that there are people out there just like who understand me. Just talking about my problem and hearing advice from everyone really helps. I cant get a filter on my computer, two reasons... A. my wife will realize and B. I worry that it wont solve the problem just throw it in the closet and when a opportunity comes along i wont have the power to control myself. I would love to hear some opinions on both matters. Thanks!
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