(I did not intend to make such a long post, and this may not be the right thread for it; if so then maybe an admin could make a thread for me and move it there.)

Shalom,

I just want to say thank you to everyone who has put this site together and all its contributing members!!!! For most of my life I have been dealing with these issues alone (over 20 years). Even though the greater portion of my life I did not know that I was Jewish or understand Torah, and within the society of a young man outside the tents of Torah many things are generally acceptable; I still knew it was wrong.

I have been arguing with this y'h' and trying to outsmart him for at least 10 years. I am so exhausted and melon collie that I find writing this and expressing myself to be a challenge. There is just to much to say, but I will tell you this; from most of your stories I relate to something, and everything that has been said about your experience in finding this site I have felt; the joy and tears. I have taken from all of you a new inspiration to try again in the places where I had simply given up and given in. I know all to well the ways of the y'h' to attack you on all fronts and tear down your pride, your dignity, self esteem and self respect. Maybe I am wrong but in some way I think this is how you know it is from Hashem to refine you that you should WIN the battle but come out a new person.

Today is the 7th day clean for me, and for the most part I have completely avoided speaking to my friend the y'h'. However yesterday I had a major slip, I will tell you about shortly, first I want to tell you what i think is one of the most important lessons/tools in this fight.

During 10 plus years of battle on a near daily basis (3650 days) I have tried hundreds of strategies if not thousands.

On the defensive side:
Bribes - to myself: the perceived rewards physically, mentally and spiritually. (physical) This might include believing that a mastery of self control will give me move pleasure when I am married by not being desensitized or allow me to spend the time on productive things that will put money in my pocket. mental Self discipline will give me confidence to overcome anything or give me more time to read and improve my intellect. spiritual I will be in tune and Hashem will bless me.
I have also tried to bribe the y'h' to work with me since he is also a subject of Hashem, or to fool the y'h' that if he leaves me alone in this area I might become more successful and influential so that he could have a greater effect in other areas.
Barriers - putting up reminders, writing myself notes, placing pictures of Tzadikim on my computer or Holy books on my desk (only to be removed before a slip/fall), putting thoughts in my mind of what others would think if they knew what I was doing, or what my future wife and children would think.
Distractions -  watching a movie/tv (obviously not the best choice), playing a game or finding other entertainment, going for a walk, etc.

For times sake and to get to the point I will not go into the offensive side right now. So instead I will say what has worked for me and lasted for at least 30 stretches and what I think I have taken from this site.

Love: possibly this was confused with another form of lust but it worked for awhile (note that I do not endorse this because it has major pitfalls in my opinion that I am sure someone else here more versed in Torah could explain; or maybe I'm wrong). For a time there was a religious girl who gave me some attention and it forced me to look in the mirror so to speak and feel that how could I ever deserve to have a partner like this if I did not have more to offer.

The "talk to the hand approach" or better "talk to Hashem": at times I realized that I could not win this, so I did the only a person can do in a foxhole; turn to Hashem and let him deal with it and as for myself completely ignore the y'h', tell him to "talk to the hand" cause I'm not listening. I believe from what I have read here that this is possibly the best and possibly the only true way to wage battle. So much so that I even fear (which may be another part of the problem) talking about this on here because I know the y'h' uses clever ways, and even turning my mind to the subject with good intentions can open up dialog with the y'h' which always leads me to the wrong place. As an example by having an outlet such as this site to justify and make excuses for myself. However there is only one thing that I have never, not once tried before, and that is sharing with others and not fighting this alone. I think that is part of who we are as a nation, we should not fight alone we should be one as a nation, with Torah, and with Hashem.

So yesterday I had a slip a minor slip that withing minutes became a major slip, and had it not been for Hashem there was no turning back; It would have been a fall. B'H for saving me! Just b4 it was too late at just the right moment I got a phone call and a friend told me about a nice lecture I should listen to online, so I got off the phone and I knew this was from Hashem and instead of doing what I was going to do i watched the shiur.

As a side note to this I prayed to Hashem yesterday morning to help me that I can not do overcome the temptations myself. And I can not count how many times Hashem has offered me a way out just like this time at the right moment but I have not always taken it. The y'h' will tell me that I am crazy, Hashem is not talking to me though these means and I have went back to what I was doing in the past.


EsaEinai

Wow, for someone who's working only with his own homemade tools your progress is actually very impressive.
Welcome to GUE. For so many of us, finding this website was finding the light. Here you learn more about how to beat the addiction as opposed to solely working on increasing effort - while using all the wrong methods.
Check out the site and all the good stuff here, there's so much to learn - about the addiction, about the best way for you to finally end this part of your life, about so many other yidden who share this exact problem, and most importantly - about yourself.

I wish you lots of hatzlacha here,

KG

I want to clarify one thing about my post; after reading it I don't think I made it clear.

I am of the opinion that all of the above mentioned and unmentioned tools - they are all worthless! At least without the one main thing; you can't outsmart the y'h', you can't even talk to him or you lose. You have to turn the battle over to Hashem and be complete dependent and attached to him at every single moment; as this battle is a battle at every single moment.

Ditto, EsaEinai - The trick is how to dothat after having lived for many years "controlling" our pleasure feelings with schmutz, fantasy, and masturbation basically on demand, and having a relationship with hashem that is so twisted that we usually come to think that all He really cares about is my struggle with the 'YH'.
After having been sober for a while, it dawned on me that I was not really living while in addiction - just faking it real well.
I was taught that if I really want to be successful at turning the struggle over to Hashem, as you beautifully recommend, I also had to do my best to turn the rest of my life over to Him, too. Sounds like a tall order, but SA (12 steps in a chevra) kept that rather simple.
BTW, my experience tells me that the reason it doesn't work at all as long as I focus on personal change in this area alone, is not because He is mean or punishes me, rather, it is because as long as I held fast onto the idea that "I was A-OK - except for this embarrassing problem" - I was never really open for His help at all. Having temporary tidal waves of sincere teshuva is just plain silly. It never got me anywhere - I was back to the races the next day, week, month....and all the advice for how to "make a kinyan in it" from well-meaning 'normal' folks, just made me feel more guilty when I failed at them. In other words, they were worse than useless to me.
I had to come to see that my priorities in life were screwed up (for example, the ridiculous belief in my heart that sof davar, the only proof that my wife (or any woman) really accepts and loves me, is the offering of sex) [by living steps 1&2]. Soon I found that I could actually start learning how to trust Hashem to really help me with my life (my real life, like learning and davening, school, the job, marriage, family, childrearing and other relationships, the lottery -  ;D just slipped that one in, sorry)[by living steps 2&3]. I started slowly learning how to honestly devote myself to caring about what He wants (ie, what is good) more than about what I want [steps 2,3 and all the rest]. And life has slowly, shockingly, become great.
All these gifts just from being an addict.  Not a bad deal.

Dear EsaAinai,

I am the admin of this forum. Welcome to our community! Once you've arrived, there's no turning back. Everyone here will just grab a hold of you and pull you up, up, up!

7 days is a great start. Keep up the good work!

Scientific studies have shown that it takes 90 days to change a neural thought pattern that was ingrained in the brain through addictive behaviors. Did you join the 90 day chart on-line? Sign up over here...

Make sure to install a strong filter. It will be almost impossible to break free of this while having all the garbage within a mouse click away. See this page for one good filter option, along with instructions on how to install it best - and give away the password to our "filter Gabai"... See this page for another 20 (or so) filter ideas and information...

We get cries for help every day, by e-mail and on the forum. Tzuras Rabim Chatzi Nechama    And that is why we created the GYE handbooks (links below). If you read them well, from beginning to end, slowly, and try to implement what you read, you will find the answers within them to enable you to completely turn your life around. You're worth it.

Also, join the daily Chizuk e-mail lists to get fresh chizuk every day, and post away on this forum. You will get tons of daily Chizuk and support. This disease can't be beat alone. It works best when you get out of isolation!

GuardYourEyes also offers various free anonymous phone conferences, where you can join a group of other frum Yidden, along with an experienced sponsor. See this page for four different options. Our conferences are taking place daily, throughout the week... This would be a tremendous step in the right direction for you and help you learn freedom from this addiction. Not only will you learn the secret of the 12-Steps - which is known to be the world's most powerful program for beating addiction having helped millions world wide, but joining the group will be another way of GETTING OUT OF ISOLATION and connecting with others who are going through what you are.

Let me tell you a little about the two GuardYourEyes handbooks. They lay down the cornerstone and foundation of our work, and they make our network much more effective and helpful for people.

You see, until now, people would often get "lost" when coming to our website, not knowing what tips and techniques to try. For example, a beginner wouldn't jump straight into therapy or 12-Step groups, while on the other hand, someone whose addiction was more advanced wouldn't be helped by the standard tips of "making fences" putting in "filters" etc... So it was essential to develop a handbook which details all the techniques and tools to dealing with this addiction in progressive order. Now with these handbooks, anyone can read through and see what steps they've tried already, and if those steps haven't worked, they can continue on through the handbook where the steps become progressively more powerful and "addiction-oriented".

And the second handbook, called the "Attitude" handbook, can also help anyone, no matter what level of addiction they may have. Often people write in to us saying that had they only known the proper outlook & attitude that we try and share on the GuardYourEyes network when they were younger, they would have never fallen into an addiction in the first place! So we hope that through this handbook, many addictions will be prevented.

The handbooks are PDF files, set up as eBooks, and they have bookmarks and hyper-links in the Index, to make them easy to navigate.

Note: You might want to print them out to read away from the computer. Keep in mind though, that if you do this, you won't be able to click on the many web links in the articles. But you can always come back to them later. The truth is, it's anyway good to go through the whole handbook once without clicking on links, just to get an overview of all the tools available. Once you did that, you can start again from tool #1 and read each tool through more carefully, click the links and study each technique and assess whether you have tried it fully yet or not...

Right click on the links below and select "Save Link/Target As" to download the handbooks to your computer.

1) The GuardYourEyes Handbook
This Handbook details 18 suggested tools and techniques, in progressive order, beginning with the most basic and fundamental approaches to dealing with this addiction, and continuing down through increasingly earnest and powerful methods. For the first time, we can gauge our level of addiction and find the appropriate tools for our particular situation. And no matter what level our addiction may have advanced to, we will be able to find the right tools to break free in this handbook!

2) The GuardYourEyes Attitude
The Attitude Handbook details 30 basic principles to help us maintain the proper attitude and perspective on this struggle. Here are some examples: Understanding what we are up against, what it is that Hashem wants from us, how we can use this struggle for tremendous growth, how we can deal with bad thoughts, discovering how to redirect the power of our souls, understanding that every little bit counts, learning how to bounce back up after a fall, and so on and so forth...

May Hashem be with you!

Wow...you've really put a ton of effort - hopefully, joining us here, you can share the knowledge and wisdom that you've gained, and with the support you can get here, your awesome energies will be chanelled properly, and you'll grow in wonderful ways!

Looking forward to watching!

Thank you all for your support!

Perhaps I have gained some wisdom, but I have also gained as much or more confusion; so its a matter of sorting it out.

This morning I woke feeling at the mercy of my impulses and the y'h' telling me that its only a matter of time before I fall - its inevitable as the sun rises and sets. So I prayed for assistance to make it through the day. Shortly afterwards I was given a mental distraction that I can't push aside and I am sure will at least get me through the day if not much longer. However I can only count on today and now.

I am feeling true humility right now. I have this 20 year habit that I feel powerless to, for which there is not a cure or quick fix. I am humbled in the realization that I have to constantly ask for help from Hashem, and like the last slip; if it were not for a small miracle I would have fallen. Today is no different, a small miracle in the form of a distraction. It reminds me of the the time we were in the desert and Hashem provided us with manna. Each day we received just what we needed and if we tried to save extra it became maggot infested. Likewise if I try to gather today extra and think that tomorrow I will not have to ask for Hashem's help; then I may find my mind maggot infested so to speak.

We live each moment to the best of our ability...

If you can only count on today....you are the richest man in the world, because this is what we're her for....just today....

I


.....your on the way......




   This means that you are starting to really believe in Hashem....really, and not just theoretically.....these are the ingredients neccessary to leave the addiction, and have Hashem do it for you.




   Bulls eye!

You see, addicts are all in our own personal mitzrayim. We are all slaves to Pharoh. BUT.....how did we get out of mitzrayim?    Did we fight our way out? NO, did we think of varied tactics, and plans on how to escape....?   NO.  So what happened to we slaves in Mitzrayim?
    It was HASHEM who took us out, and WE.........we just "tell the story" about it!   This is our job. HASHEM does it all, and we just.....tell the story! This is letting go, and letting G-d.

Wow...very, very well said...We tell the story of hashem's rescue of us, every day. I'm happy and proud, and I need to do my best, just to be a character in hashem's book (the "character" part, I've already got down ;D)

Dear Esa Einai, I feel truly the same as you how every time I did not fall was a miracle but the truth is every time I did fall was a miracle too,
wait a minute this isn't kefira here don't throw me off the forum. ...
What I mean is that it all pushed in the direction that my life needed an revamp that I needed to things for Hashem not him for me(ie stop me from acting out). I needed to do things for others not just to help my ego feel that I'm ok or so they should worship me etc.
That I should be able to live a normalm life in Hashem's hands completely (well maybe thats not normal but its a heck lot better than now)
I mean I'm still taking baby steps but I know the direction out of the forest....
Check ou the third step you'll see what I mean and the rest are for truly changing your behaviour not blaming others for your actions etc.
Keep posting my friend Hashem has his hands wide open for you!

Nat wrote on 19 Jan 2010 15:14:


As someone who discovered that he was a Yid and what that meant while on a journey to find purpose in life; and as a "Bal Tshuva" (in actuality I am more like and Apprentice of Return) who has tried to make great strides in learning and observing Torah - I bought this baggage with me. At first I just thought that now that I am learning Torah this will just be something I will fix and it will go away. Then as time went on I thought this is something that is holding up the show and worse. I let it bring me down. Now I have to tell you that for a few years I haven't seen any light in my future, and the in the present I did not really feel alive. For the past couple months I have been working on an attitude adjustment that I see now was preparing me to receive the "this site" (the wisdom, support, and accountability) B'H".

Now it feels like life is returning, each day is getting brighter in a very real and literal way, and I see more light in the future! Little by little as I internalize what I am learning and don't beat myself up anymore, my world is getting closer to Hashem. This feels real and I know fantasy well which it is not.

So yes, in the darkest problem in my life - the light can be seen the most.

BTW my continued Journey is on another part of this forum - rehab-my-site.com/guardureyes/forum/index.php?topic=1568.0

Thanks again to everyone here for the support and hope to become a pillar of support in the Temples of Torah myself.

Rock on EE, you picked up on the beauty of this place perfectly. I can already see you up there on the wall of honor.