The yetzer hara will be satisfied with any amount of yirah that makes you feel badly about yourself.

The point is not to make light of the issurim. The point is to develop a mindset that will have the best opportunity for success.

If I may bring another Rav Pincus this time from Elul.

He says people think Elul is about being mechazeik ourselves and he says that's like pressing down the gas pedal when driving stick shift. You rev the engine but if you're still in first gear you're not really going faster. It's kind of related to your point where he says that Elul is about a personal relationship with HKBH I guess if you want a stronger Ahavas Hashem listening to the recording or reading his seforim is a good place to start.

However, my main point to I think echo vehkam is that sometimes a mindshift is needed in order to move forward. I highly highly recommend talking to some of the tzaddikim here like vehkam and talk through your questions. What's the worst that could happen?

Or at least have a seder of BOTG.

kavey wrote on 29 Jul 2025 14:18:

Once again, thank you for your kind words. I have really been trying to grow in ahavas Hashem. It is really hard when you constantly feel rejected by Him, like he hates you. Even sans any of this sort of stuff, I often feel like a failure for showing up late to shiur, or giving a bad vort, etc. I have such a tremendous duty, and I constantly fall short. Even if I know intellectually that Hashem loves me, it is hard to feel it. Be that as it may, I am trying, and I am growing. I really think I have improved quite a bit even in the past year. To your point, I have been in touch with one of the GYE regulars, and he has been extremely helpful.
I also just wanted to write to say that I am feeling really hopeful right now. I am 36 days clean, which is longer than I could have ever imagined staying clean a year ago. GYE has been an incredible help in building me up such that I don't need to go back to schmutz. I also took a lot of time to reflect on Tisha B'Av, to realize just how stupid it is. I think it is evil before I do it, I don't feel that good when I do it, and I hate myself after I do it, why would I do it? Why would I do it when Hashem, who loves me, and created me in order to do His will, has told me not to do so? I really felt the Y"H dissipate so much that day. I do not think I am remotely done with the struggle, but I will try to take that feeling of clarity going forward. Thank you all for your support and advice.

My friend you seem to suffer from perfectionism similar to me and I'm sure similar to a lot of people on this site. You'd be surprised but at least for me going to a therapist really helped a lot if you're open to that.

From a yiddishe point of view I would encourage speaking to Vehkam (as well as keeping up with the other GYE'r) as he seems to be a baal machshava in this area. What's funny about what you're saying is that you don't know what true love is.

Hashem hates you yes? But you woke up this morning! You had clothing! Food on the table! Don't take these for granted. There is a lot a lot to unpack here but if you are able to meditate on these inyanim properly you'll always be able to tap into simcha even in what looks like times are darkest.

To your other point about knocking the aveira that approach hasn't worked for me directly, I think learning those inyanim provide motivation to tap into when you're ready (ohr makif iykyk lol). I think @chancy (@chancy_hk? he might have had to change his user name) has written a thread about this and if you want to go that route you might want to reach out to him. I think the approach to use for combatting this has a lot to do with the root causes of acting out.

If you're like me and pressure or depression or stress (potentially from not being up to high standards in avodas Hashem) causes a pressure cooker internally. Saying the aveira is silly doesn't relieve the pressure and your mind has learned a way to relieve that pressure to the point of being habitual (it seems). To that end I would suggest prioritizing A) a kosher way to de-stress re-wiring to try and prevent the stress build-up in the first place.

Hatzlacha! 

kavey wrote on 05 Aug 2025 14:27:

I have actually been working with a therapist for some time now, which has been very helpful. I have struggled with depressive thinking, and he has helped me grow past it. Again, I acknowledge that I have made great progress. I am definitely on the up and up. Thank you for the kind words and the advice.

Hatzlacha! 

Hello again everyone. I am just here to report that this is the end of day 52. My previous record was 51 days, which means that this is the longest that I have ever stayed clean! As I have stated above, I know it is not about the number, but about the interior change in the person. Be that at it may, this feels pretty amazing! I think it’s OK to celebrate. Now I need to focus on continuing to develop tools that will allow me to achieve not just longer clean streaks, but lifelong sobriety. Cheers!

You have reached halfway up the mountain, and you fell into a ditch, look down and see how high you have climbed, how much hard work was put in.
Now continue climbing my friend!

puremind wrote on 21 Aug 2025 05:57:

Thank you for the kind words, but, as per my prior message, I have been clean for some time now (obviously I still need to do the work.) I think the title of this thread is confusing, as I made it after my first fall after a serious stretch of sobriety after joining GYE. BS”D, I will continue to climb the mountain!