Shulem Aleichem dear Brother!
Welcome to GYE, you just changed the trajectory of your life without knowing it.........
You are not alone and def not dirty. Your might have gotten some dirt on yourself but you can clean it off.
The fact that you are here and fighting and not giving up or in like the rest of the world, it amazing! You have no idea how much that is worth.
Now, can you please share some of your struggles in more detail, so we can give you better advice?