Day 22:

memories, desires, ideas to “accidentally get into trouble today r”l. Friday ended up taking kids shopping which in the summer is almost always for sure including being around pritzus.Need extra boost of yiras Shamayim today. BH for 22 days not looking for trouble. Not interested in ruining that. As I’ve seen in the past, stay strong, stay distanced and the desires will pass…

BH doing good

Day 26 bH!!

Yesterday was close with having need to unblock something and Then, after I read blocked it, checking to see if everything was properly re-blocked. I wasn’t looking for trouble per se and didn’t find any. I didn’t type anything in that is bad. So I am going to stick with 26 days of not searching for trouble. But as always, it’s a reminder to be careful. And in one sense it was a success, because in the past it didn’t happen like that… .

every time I say no, no begins to become natural and yes becomes unnatural… . I have thousands if not tens of thousands of yeses that created a terrible habit that must be broken.

I have no interest in this garbage and no interest in risking coming close to it again

Checking in briefly overwhelming exhausted day. Kids in mood. As usual not able to learn much on Friday. Clicked on bank’s deals offers but bH exited before loading which has been a place I slip. Will make it through. Shabbos almost here!

Made it to 31. Which was unbelievable 31 days of not trying to get into trouble.

today I was somewhere where there are a few different Jewish art books lying around and although I knew that’s a very vague term that could have white variety of things, I opened up and flipped around and found pictures that shouldn’t. After a minute or two got a hold of self, and walked out with it and discreetly put it in garbage.

but when these things happens, the biggest danger is that it gets one into designer mode. Images pop up. And it’s easier to try and go back to find some thing else. Noticed a loop in the filter and took a few minutes looking around. Fortunately, although I was beginning to test and inching towards trouble, I didn’t make it there and didn’t see anything but it was possible to end up terrible. Not going on again. And emailed filter company requesting that they block it

My lesson of the day and remind her of the day is when noticing some thing that I know has dangers and risks not to touch it. Not to come closer and see how close I can get whether I’m looking for trouble or not trouble but I don’t want to come close to something that I know where it could lead to. Always prepared to say no to something always prepared to walk away

Biggest fear and what need be careful of is doesn’t get me on slippery slope as often has happened. BH finished off the day okay and plan on davening and trying my best to stay that way.

Filter said they fixed the loophole but not going to test it. Just going to avoid it. Testing if worked or not can equal trouble. There will always be loopholes and my job is to not bother trying to find them.

I heard once pointed out with tech that a site or app that one day is safe can always change. Things are always developing and filter companies cannot catch it right away and sometimes they aren’t able to fix it. Not looking for trouble and when seeing a sniff of it running away is the only solution.

Day one: bH good. Drop of stam curiosity clicking but not like saw anything or was intentional looking for trouble. The more I can break the habit the better I’ll be

Yesterday had reason to want to try and find material on exercising and tried to find something specifically for men but as began to have trouble wasn’t careful with blocking images while looking for something only men… . Spent few min and then stopped bH. Not going back. It’s not just the at itself but after going on a site for educational courses I find this and then start thinking for worse things could see if talks about etc. . BH I see I’m in a better place. Old me would have probably been back on doing similar “trying be safe” but not really. 

I cannot safely search these things period.

Yesterday had reason to want to try and find material on exercising and tried to find something specifically for men but as began to have trouble wasn’t careful with blocking images while looking for something only men… . Spent few min and then stopped bH. Not going back. It’s not just the at itself but after going on a site for educational courses I find this and then start thinking for worse things could see if talks about etc. . BH I see I’m in a better place. Old me would have probably been back on doing similar “trying be safe” but not really. 

I cannot safely search these things period.

based on my personal struggles i am thinking to count this as fall based on what I need to be doing to be safe. This started sincere but towards end was trying to see how much I could see 

Let me correct you if I may. Change "old me" to something like. "I'll always keep on going till the inevitable, but this time TYH for the strength to persevere ". There's no old me or new me. Those of us that have been blessed/cursed with these issues, (depending on the day) have to constantly keep in mind that every time we're on a device there's a very real possibility we'll view things we shouldn't. Speaking for myself, the biggest difference between then and now is my willingness to actually stay clean. I'll freely admit that back when I was trying to convince myself that I wanted to stop, I really didn't want to that seriously. Proof?
I knew exactly what NOT to do and did it anyway. I knew that fitness sights will inevitably have inappropriate pictures and videos, I knew that 2 clicks into a "men's health" website I'll be reading/watching about sex. I knew without a shadow of a doubt that if I went to the bathroom with my phone and started "just browsing" it wouldn't end well. That's exactly what happened, time and again until I got serious and stopped lying to myself. I can almost guarantee you that if you want to be fit and healthy, you know exactly what to do, the basics for sure. You don't need a webpage to know the following. Eat as few carbohydrates as possible. Minimal or zero sugar in beverages, stay hydrated,
Walk or cycle for 30/45 minutes a day. Once that's become routine, start doing pushups and pullups. Once you've done all that and you want to know more, buy a book IN A BOOKSTORE.
 You're going to these webpages to eventually reach the page that'll cause problems. The fact that you went away is just feeding the myth that you're actually strong enough to win. You're not, I'm not, we're not. If you're serious about breaking free you've got to stop going to sights with the potential to lead you astray. If you keep telling yourself that "new me" stopped, "new me" will inevitably fall. 
Today during שמונה עשרה Thank Hashem that your stupidity didn't cause what it used to. If you keep writing how "I almost" you'll eventually be writing about a fall.
You have the power of choice BEFORE you go to a clean or not really dirty sight.
Once you're there it's רחמי שמים that made you turn away.
I'm writing this because I wish that a few years ago when I was writing similar to what you're writing now, someone would've written me some reality. 
Wishing you Hatzlacha on your journey.

Brother Chizuk,
It is your choice, and I don't want to tell you what to do with your count, so I'll just share some observations.

• Your initial intention was to find kosher, men only exercise info
• You stopped pretty quickly
• You acknowledge your improvement in this area
• You recognize what adjustment to make and plan to make it

If you do feel a real need to check a filter setting or searching for something that has any questionable outcomes, perhaps consider reaching out to a chaver and having them on standby while you take care of what you need to?

Please don't trust this 100% because I'm not absolutely certain, but I recall an app called Man Flow Yoga that had no females. If you are interested, I can try to get more info to confirm.

Keep giving us Chizuk  with your progress!

Day two bH. Success of when needed be on certain site checked in with someone and stayed safe. Today was about to go on site to order something but I know I can’t be heimish with that site so drove out to pick it up instead. BH had siyata dishmaya in it being easy to make it out there which normally isn’t the case

Just thinking by me certain sites takes longer to shop 

Ugh. This morning was on site should’ve checked in but didn’t and looked for and found bad pictures. It’s blocked now. But that wasn’t good… . Needed to upload files on one drive but gave me access to things that give access to stock videos and pictures… .

The only way we'll succeed is by using our brains BEFORE we use a device with Internet, especially while you're in the process of "breaking free". I believe you knew BEFORE you went on the computer that trouble was around the corner. Right now you're used to clicking without thinking. We don't have the power (especially in the beginning) not to. I hope to read soon how avoided a situation like this BEFORE it even happened. Keep on keeping on, IYH you'll see real triumph soon.