Hey chevra,

Before I made a real, conscious decision to fight and conquer this struggle, there was a time when I completely surrendered to it. I didn’t set boundaries, I didn’t filter—just let it take over. And during that period, I felt a huge block between me and Hashem. Davening became extremely difficult. I couldn’t feel any closeness, any d’veikut. It was like I was spiritually numb.

Even my learning, which had once given me energy and meaning, started to feel dull and lifeless. I would go through the motions, but it no longer touched me deeply.

Now that I’ve set my mind on truly facing this struggle, I’m trying to understand what happened back then.
Was the disconnect I felt a natural result of giving up?
Does surrendering in that way cause a person to lose their sensitivity to kedusha and connection to Hashem?

I’d love to hear if anyone else experienced this kind of spiritual disconnection—and how you began to rebuild once you started your journey back.

Also I wasn't sure what section to post this in?
Thanks for listening.

It could be, but it could be your shame and your assumptions about how Hashem felt about you (hint: hatred and rejection) caused you to overload and become overwhelmed, which caused you to react by feeling numb. (Read Appendix A at the end of The Battle of the Generation, which has some information about this.)

The first step of admitting powerlessness & being honest with yourself is typically followed by a second step of hopefulness that Hashem can restore you to sanity from your former state of insanity. The third step requires you to make a decision to give up but also to turn over the struggle to Hashem. if you give up but turn over control to no-one, then you're floating without an anchor in the sea of hopelessness. 

The YH is older and stronger than us. The only one more powerful is the One who created the YH. Ask Aba for help, and let Him.