Hi everyone,

Just wanted to introduce myself. I’m new here and feeling a bit nervous, but also hopeful.

A very large part of who I am has been shaped by my dyslexia. It’s something that’s deeply influenced how I think, how I learn, and how I approach the world. One of the side effects has been a strong streak of perfectionism, which has started taking over more and more of my life in ways that are hard to manage.

Right now, I’m really struggling with Shemiras Einayim and Shemiras HaBris. It’s something I don’t feel I have a healthy relationship with at all — mentally, emotionally, or spiritually. I’ve been feeling stuck for a long time, and I’m here because I want to try to move forward. I’m at a stage in my life where I need to get a grip on this struggle in order to move in the direction that I want to — and that I know I should. Even if I don’t yet see how I’m supposed to or how I’m going to, I know I can’t afford to stay where I am.

Because of my dyslexia, my connection to Yiddishkeit and Torah isn’t typical Yeshivish style. I’m not so academic — though I have an extreme desire to learn and to build my Gemara skills. But it proves very difficult. Still, I’m determined to grow in a way that works with the brain Hashem gave me, not against it.

Looking forward to connecting with others here and hopefully finding some clarity, support, and growth.

Thanks for having me.

Thanks for introducing yourself. So glad you posted, you sound like a caring and passionate person. The fact that you wanna grow and change is a real inspiration to me and I wanna thank you for your courage!
Please keep us in the loop and about your exciting new journey ahead.
I believe you’ll gain lots from the chizuk around here.

Hashem loves you,
Don’t ever give up

Welcome brother to the forums. It takes courage to put out that first post, and yours shines with vulnerability. Posting is an amazing way to connect with an understanding group of people, that have a ton of experience, lots of good advice, but most importantly, the gift of friendship, for those that reach out and want it.

One of the things that jumps out from your intro, is the connection you make between dyslexia and perfectionism. Please correct me if I'm wrong. If your putting it into your first post, it occupies a great deal of space in your mind, and defines the way you think of yourself, perhaps to a larger extent then it should. It makes you feel somewhat incapable and not in control of dealing with something that comes easier to most people. This can lead to the need to control parts of our lives that we are able to control, which in turn can lead to perfectionism.

You are not a dyslexic person that's struggling. You're an awesome person that has a specific challenge that would sink most people. There's a big difference between the two. Growing up in a society like ours, where reading is an integral part of day to day life, has to be one of the most difficult challenges out there. If you still have a desire to learn and build your Gemara skills despite it, you're a hero that deserves more credit then you're probably receiving in our עלמא דשקרא (false world).

The line that jumped out the most was "I’m at a stage in my life where I need to get a grip on this struggle in order to move in the direction that I want to". I hate reading to much in to the word choices of people, because I might be missing the boat, but perhaps the approach shouldn't be to "get a grip on the struggle", rather to realize that we are powerless against it, and to surrender ourselves to Hashem. We can't control it, it's far too big for us, but He can. When we approach it like that, and we humbly beg Him for His assistance in this struggle, and put in an honest effort by not playing games and fooling ourselves, we can we on our way to success. 

Additionally, while posting is a great first step, you can take it to the next level by adding the human connection and reaching out to one of the guys here. Only do it once your comfortable and ready. Read through some of the threads, get a feel for the guys, find someone who's thoughts resonate with you, and send him a PM or email. Some beautiful friendships have developed through this site, and many have used them to help them break free. Keep on posting, we want to hear from you. Hatzlacha on your journey!

matzahbaby wrote on 30 Apr 2025 08:40:


your connection to hashem is precious.  It is something that is uniquely yours and cannot be replicated by anyone else.  Yeshivish style is just that - a style - and does not define your relationship with hashem.  The work you put in and the efforts to grow as a yid are what is important.

I am sorry that you are feeling stuck and i am confident that connecting with the chevra here can help with that.  

wishing you the best of success
vehkam

Thanks so much for your kind and thoughtful response — it really does mean a lot. I really appreciate the way you broke things down. You’re right that I included the dyslexia and perfectionism in my intro because they’ve played such a central role in shaping how I see myself. Sometimes too central. But they’ve also forced me to develop resilience and a problem-solving mindset, and I’ve seen firsthand how they’ve pushed me to grow in ways I never would have otherwise.
Baruch Hashem, with His help and a lot of hard work (not that the hard work actually had anything to do with the outcome of success), I was able to reach a level of learning that I’m actually quite proud of. But now I know I need to focus my attention on the next challenge — kedusha.I’m so ashamed to ask for help. I feel like I have no right to turn to Hashem to ask for help when I’ve been so dismissive… How can I expect Him to help me when I’ve repeatedly ignored His boundaries and treated His commandments lightly? And yet, I know I can’t overcome this alone. That contradiction sits heavy, but maybe the fact that I’m finally showing up and being honest is a first step.I’m going to keep reading and posting, and hopefully I’ll find the strength to reach out further when the time is right. Thanks again for the warm welcome and perspective.

Brother Know this, and know it well. Behind almost every guy on these forums that is clean, is a broken barrier of shame that was broken to reach out to others. You are correct in analysis, it's nearly impossible to overcome this beast alone. That's his trick. To keep us in isolation from others and make us think we're the only one's with this problem. I promise you, if you reach out to any of the guys, you'll be shock by how much understanding and caring there is. No one on this site will judge you, we're all in the same boat, to one extent or the other. Join the Oilam. It's hard, but you've got what it takes. Very few have regretted reaching out. Try it. Your life can change.

amevakesh wrote on 30 Apr 2025 19:06:

Hi Matzhababay (Im trying to figure out what that could possibly mean, drawing a blank) 

Welcome to GYE. I concur with Amevakesh, everyone that has ever been succesful started by opening up to others. For some reason thgat alone weakens this YH. I know it worked on myself BH.  So try it out. 

We all have our 'pekelech' Anxiety, Depression, ADHD, Trauma, etc. Those are all challenges created to get us to a better place. 

The Ramchal in 'Daas Tvunes' explains clearly that before the final redemption where everything will be rectified, Hashem is working it so that all of our blemishes and imperfections themselves bring us to where we need to be! Do you understand how deep that goes? 
Hashem created a imperfect world.
Hashem is planning to return the whole world to perfection before the end of Y6K
Hashem is using all the garbage, pain, guilt, impurity, loss, etc to propel us to become better people and Holier Yiden 

Stick around and enjoy your journey in this world. 

Chancy Hakuten 

matzahbaby wrote on 30 Apr 2025 16:31:

Shalom Brother,
I'd like to share with you the mashul of the white ribbon. (Realized I posted it on BB forum and not everyone would be able to access it, so I'm copying it instead of posting a link). There is no contradiction and you showing up may be the thing that Hashem desires most from you right now.
Hatzlacha and Kol Tov
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The White Ribbon

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          Gershon boards the train and hoists his heavy luggage onto the rack. Glancing down the crowded isle, he sees an empty seat and heads toward it. There is a young Jewish man there, looking out the window in a half daze. Gershon sits down, wanting to offer a polite ‘hello’ to his temporary neighbor, but the man is completely self-absorbed, staring into the distance with a look of emptiness, anxiety, and dread on his face.

          After some time, the man pulls his gaze from the window, lowering his head and eyes toward the floor. He looks sad, and Gershon asks him if everything is alright. The man twitches, as if only just now noticing the presence of another person. With the slightest movement, he nods in an attempt to indicate that he is fine. There is clearly something going on, so Gershon presses a little. “If you want to talk about something, I’m more than happy to. My stop isn’t for anther 10 hours, so I’d welcome any conversation.” But the man does not respond, having receded back into himself, the only signs of life being the slow rise and fall of his chest, and the occasional closing of his unfocused eyes.

          Some time passes and the complimentary trolly is making its rounds. They have pretzels, coffee, tea, water, ginger ale, and cookies (sorry, no chocolate frogs on this train). Gershon graciously accepts a cup of coffee and small bag of pretzels. The man does not stir, so Gershon asks for some water and cookies on his behalf. Turning to the somber fellow, Gershon offers the refreshment. “Surely, you may be thirsty, or in the mood for a small snack?” To his surprise, the man accepts his gesture and takes a few sips from the water bottle. Seeing an opportunity, Gershon tries once again to engage. “Where are you headed today?” The man swallows, then, for the first time, he speaks. “Treefield” . . . “maybe” he adds, after a pause.

          Perplexed, Gershon asks what he means. “Are you not sure which stop you need? Perhaps I can help. I’m pretty familiar with the train route. Oh, by the way, my name is Gershon.” Taking another sip and closing the water bottle, the man turns towards Gershon, assessing him with pale brown eyes. He swallows again, lets out a shallow sigh, and responds. “My name is Yaakov, though I’ve been going by Jack the past while. I’m from Treefield, and that’s where I’m headed. I just don’t know if I’ll be getting off the train.”

          “You see, I’ve made some pretty bad choices and done a lot of things that hurt my parents. I rejected them, threw all their kindness back in their face, and ran away from it all. We haven’t even spoken since then. I feel so empty, so lost, and I’m tired of wandering. I just want to go home. But how can they want me back? Why would they? I treated them with such lack of appreciation. Not being able to muster the chutzpa to call, I sent them a letter. After all that I’ve done, I don’t know if they can forgive me, and I understand. They know that I am on the train today, and if they would allow me to come back home, I asked them to tie a white ribbon in the large oak tree next to the Treefield train station. If there is no ribbon, then I’ll accept their position and keep riding. The problem is, now that I’m here, I don’t know if I can bear to look. If you would please, when we get to Treefiled, can you tell me if you see a white ribbon?”

          “Wow, this poor guy,” Gershon thinks, “seems like he’s been through a tough time.” “I’d be glad to look for you when we get to Treefield. As a father myself, I’m sure your parents love you and would be overjoyed to have you back home.” Jack isn’t so sure. Gershon couldn’t possibly understand all the pain, frustration, anger, and resentment of his past. But he hangs onto the tiniest of dreams. A hope so small, yet the weight of it threatens to crush him.

          Jack returns to his thoughts and Gershon, not really knowing what else to say, also keeps to himself. After some time, the conductor announces the next stop – Treefield. Gershon looks over at Jack, but he looks about the same as before, only now, his eyes are squeezed tightly shut. The sound of the train’s brakes can be heard, and it begins to slow. Jack is now rocking slightly, eyes still shut and lips pressed together in a silent plea. A single tear forms and runs down his face, leaving a shining trail as it falls to the floor.

          A murmur travels though the train car, and soon becomes a hushed commotion. A few people gasp, and others are pointing out the left-side windows. Jack tilts his head and peeks out of one eye towards Gershon, the question not needing to be spoken out loud. “Yaakov, I think you’d better look for yourself,” Gershon tells him – his eyes alternating between Jack and the window behind him. Slowly, Jack lifts his head, opens his eyes, and turns to face the window. What he sees is hard to process. His breath catches in his throat and the tears flow freely now. Through his blurred vision he sees the great oak tree next to the station, completely covered in white ribbons.

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          Of course, we are all Jack. We’ve all wandered to some degree away from home and our loving Father. We wonder if He even wants us back after the things we’ve done. Surely we are not deserving of his forgiveness. But if we can dare to hope. If we pick our heads up and open our eyes towards heaven we will see—that Hashem want’s nothing more than that we should return home.