Hi, I'm not that good at expressing myself but I think it's worth sharing that although I try to minimize any places of challenge, ensuring that I never have access to inappropriate sights is impossible, therefore instead of having my laptop totally blocked, I asked tag to open strictly GYE only. This has helped make a fresh and sustainable start. Highly recommended. Hatzlocho to everyone out there.

Good idea!! 
good luck
Stick around and share your struggles with us. 

So here goes:
I'm lucky to have a family but 2 of my kids are otd, my wife has had three miscarriages, all my kids have struggled in school and I know it's my fault (see Kitzur Shulchan Aruch). I'm not seeking to have a fall right now, I just want to damage control but i'm feeling down with myself. Trying not to give up hope ......

Oy, so sorry to hear about your difficult story! Really feel for you.

If I may suggest, unless a Navi tells you x happened because of y, don’t blame yourself for your wife’s miscarriages or anything else. We don’t understand why God acts with us in the way he does.

also, instead of viewing yourself as a sinner, acknowledge the fact that you are living in a sexually unhinged society. That obviously creates a mitigating circumstance. View the fact that you are on GYE as a source of pride. It means that you are a fighter who is refusing to go with the flow of the general culture. Malachim are few and far between. In general there are people who live according their impulses and people who reach for something higher. You are the latter. 

wishing you much hatzlacha. From somebody who wishes you all the best of Bracha and hatzlacha.
Time2Win

Thank you so much for taking the time to read and answer my post. That in itself is uplifting me. I appreciate you reminding me of the mitigating circumstances.
Wishing you only Hatzlocho.

pomegranate wrote on 16 Feb 2025 22:51:

I am no Rav to say the Kitzur Shulchan Aruch applies to you or not. But one thing I can say is I don't think being so harsh with yourself will be beneficial. Blaming ourselves for such things will pull us even further down and just feed the vicious cycle. Maybe give R' HHM a buzz @ michelgelner@gmail.com. I am sure he will have a lot of insight to share.

Regarding your current situation you are going through I really feel for you, and if this is worth anything here's a virtual hug (I'll leave the warm hand to @chaimoigen).

Hatzlacha U'bracha.

Yikes! That's quite a load to carry, although I'd have to agree with SSSL that the current attitude ain't gonna help you much. 
On that note...
Welcome to the warmest family in the world!

Here you will find true care, concern, and warmth.
Here you will learn that you CAN break free!
There are many tools here to help you in this fight.
There is the F2F Program, the Vaad Program (click here for an explanation of what the vaad is), and the book The Battle of the Generation - many have found this very helpful in reframin' the struggle.


There is also an extremely powerful tool of accountability, friends, and mentors, as has been mentioned, that has helped hundreds - myself included.
HHM - Hashem Help Me - is the mentor-in-chief around here. He's reachable at michelgelner@gmail.com.
Some of the other great guys here are Eerie - 1gimpelovitz@gmail.com, Muttel - muttel15@gmail.com,   Reb Akiva - mevakesh247@gmail.com iwantlife - iwantlifegye@proton.me minhamayim - minhamayim1@gmail.com

Keep postin', you'll see, the oilam is here for you.

Lookin' forward to seeing great things from you!
And don't forget, as always, KOMT!!

Ouch! That really hurts!
My heart is with you brother! I wish there was something I can do to help.
I sincerely hope that things get better! I will b"n daven as well.

Wishing all the hatzlacha in the world in all matters!

I

Hey there melayim bimitsvos kereemon!!!  
there's a speech you would probably enjoy from r uri duetch from this past agudah convention to parents of down syndrome children its on Torah anytime and I think agudas website also .  
   If your fighting the fight then that's your nisayon, idon't think you could/should blame yourself..... 
     There's many choshiv ppl that I know who have otd children...

Hi there!
The yetzer hara puts on a tzaddik's voice and tells us messages of guilt to lead us to depression. Let us appreciate the fact, guilt is unholy. Let's feel it.
I seeing you in my eye (even though I don't know how you look) and giving you a hug...\
Welcome to the chevra.

Wow!!!! I can't believe so many people took the time to read and reply. What a great community, that in itself is so uplifting and helped me feel more positive. Thank you so much for the great posts and advice.
Hatzlocho to you all.

Hello Pomegranate,
I am much younger than you and cannot come close to identifing with your excruciating pain and guilt, but I struggle with fears and thoughts about what could chas vshalom happen based off what the Kitzur Shulchan Aruch and other sefarim say.

Please please please keep in mind the folowing 3 points:

1) The world has changed in terms of morality and exposure far more between when the kitzur was written and now than from the time of the Beis Hamikdash until the Kitzur was written. In other words in the last 100 years (really the last 50) the world has changed far far more than in the 2000 years before that. It's not possible that Hashem the Dayan HaEmes holds us any where near the same level of responsibilty as someone living 100 years ago.

2) Teshuva always helps and once you do Teshuva you bear zero responsibility for any results of your actions. The Gemarah tells us about Rebbe Elazar Ben Dudai who after just doing real Teshuva for living a life far further down the rabbit hole of lust then you have ever been, was called Rebbe a term normally reserved for those with semicha (real semicha). There are many acounts in Chazal about people who not only did avairos but caused emense damage to the world and Klal Yisroel, but after doing Teshuva they were not held responsible for any of it.

3) Thinking about what you may or may not be at fault for doing will absoloutely NOT help you recover. When we think along these lines we think we are doing a mitzvah, but in actuallity it is destroying us! Just keep on davening for your children to return, give them unlimited love and forget about your guilt. Remember: First Recover Then Repair.

Please keep in mind that us in the GYE family feel your pain,sympathize with your suffering we love you, and are davening for you, your wife and your children to come to complete Teshuva, happiness and menuchas hanefesh.

If I may add you wrote that your looking to do "damage control" but chazal tell us that when a person sins and does teshuva they come out higher than where they started "better is the man who sins and returns to hashem than he who has never sinned" now that obviously doesn't mean we should go out and do avieros but it puts into prospective the socalled damage control, when a person chooses to break free he isn't doing damage control he's taking the situation and circumstances that Hashem put him in (whether or not he contributed to them) and growing and elevating himself from them into a better person and eved Hashem.


Just my unsolicited 2 cents.

welcome to the fam!!

Wow! Thanks so much not only for posting, but also for such a warm welcome and Chizuk. I amazed how much this is building me up, far more than I expected it to. 
Hatzlocho to everyone, you really deserve it!

Shalom Brother, and welcome to the family!

If may help you to know that Sefer HaTanya brings (I believe) that saying Krias Shema Al Hamita with kavana is a tikkun for zera levatala.

Echoing the wise words that others already said, it's probably neither accurate nor helpful to try and attribute the doom and gloom to yourself. We don't really know how it all works, but we do know that Hashem desires teshuva. 

Looking forward to hearing more from you BezH. Kol Tov.