hello to all
I got a few messages to share a little bit about myself so here I go….
I am new here and sober ( that word has a whole new meaning around here ) for 5 days just reached out and discovered this site, I would like to share my story ( will try to keep it as short as possible )

I was officially a good boy and then good bochur doing the right thing not getting into trouble, on the outside I was good but inside I had a deep secret that is my pleasure for lust and women, as a teen I would find magazines in the house, fast forward movies to you know what, novels… and that would lead me to mast…, I did not get into heavy stuff or internet, it was just mast…. over catalogs… I had my ups and downs I tried to work on myself, when I was out of town yeshiva it was better but when I came home bein hazmanim I made up for the year… At around age 20 it got worse I was one track mind no matter where I went and what I looked at I was in a fantasize world, all I thought about was sex, I thought when I get married all will be good and no more mast…. But I was wrong I got married and married but matter how good it was I still felt the urge to mast…t I was not getting satisfied my yetzer harah always wanted more and more, I got hooked to internet surfing, at events I think and fantasize about other women…. When I have a bad day or stressed out I mast…. it is my medicine It makes me feel good ( of course not after, I feel like s..t and say never again) I finally came to realize that I do not have the power ( step 1) there got to be something else out there…

someone who is in sa for 10 years talked me into going, I did not want to I said no way but some how I listen to him I went last night, i got to the parking lot and saw about 10 cars, I started shaking and started to cry, how I did not want to go in but I was on the phone with him and I did it and went in.
I feel good that I went ( I broke my self) but I am still not sure if I should go again, I just don’t see myself opening up, and it felt wired that I am on the same category as those people ( goyim).

today I went to a restaurant and saw a women that…. I wanted to look and think… but I pushed that thought out, a few times, I don’t what to have to fight the thought I just don’t want it to come or not want it to matter, how can I do that?

I will stop for now, any thoughts?

Well, you finally found the right place to post
Reb Yidster, and I love the way that sounds, WELCOME!!
It's very cool to have another yid on the board who is serious about doing whatever it takes for H-shem.
Give yourself some time to look around the site, read through the threads, see all the yiddin out there who are struggling just like you are. It is very important that you realize that your situation is not some "messed up situation which wasn't supposed to happen". It's very openly and clearly of the great nesyonos of the generation, and many caring observant jews were MEANT to fall in, SO THAT they can break out and make a kiddush H-shem - even in the lowest places. And you are one of the many who were chosen for this job.

MAKE SURE YOU READ THROUGH THE HANDBOOKS A FEW TIMES!!! Guard should be here soon with your welcome message, which provides links to everything you need.

And let me be the first one to tell you: HATZLACHA RABBA!!

Dear Yidster,

Welcome to our community!

We get cries for help every day, by e-mail and on the forum. Tzuras Rabim Chatzi Nechama    And that is why we created the GYE handbooks (links below). If you read them well, from beginning to end, slowly, and try to implement what you read, you will find the answers within them to enable you to completely turn your life around. Have you begun reading them?

Also, join the daily Chizuk e-mail lists to get fresh chizuk every day, and post away on this forum. You will get tons of daily Chizuk and support. This disease can't be beat alone. It works best when you get out of isolation!

There's no need for you to join a live SA group right away. Rabbi Twerski suggests that people who come to our site begin with our 12-Step phone groups... GuardYourEyes offers various free anonymous phone conferences, where you can join a group of other frum Yidden, along with an experienced sponsor. See this page for four different options. Duvid Chaim's group is starting a new cycle in February. Please sign up for it!! Our conferences are taking place daily, throughout the week... This would be a tremendous step in the right direction for you and help you learn freedom from this addiction. Not only will you learn the secret of the 12-Steps - which is known to be the world's most powerful program for beating addiction having helped millions world wide, but joining the group will be another way of GETTING OUT OF ISOLATION and connecting with others who are going through what you are.

Scientific studies have shown that it takes 90 days to change a neural thought pattern that was ingrained in the brain through addictive behaviors. Did you join the 90 day chart on-line? Sign up over here...

Let me tell you a little about the two GuardYourEyes handbooks. They lay down the cornerstone and foundation of our work, and they make our network much more effective and helpful for people.

You see, until now, people would often get "lost" when coming to our website, not knowing what tips and techniques to try. For example, a beginner wouldn't jump straight into therapy or 12-Step groups, while on the other hand, someone whose addiction was more advanced wouldn't be helped by the standard tips of "making fences" putting in "filters" etc... So it was essential to develop a handbook which details all the techniques and tools to dealing with this addiction in progressive order. Now with these handbooks, anyone can read through and see what steps they've tried already, and if those steps haven't worked, they can continue on through the handbook where the steps become progressively more powerful and "addiction-oriented".

And the second handbook, called the "Attitude" handbook, can also help anyone, no matter what level of addiction they may have. Often people write in to us saying that had they only known the proper outlook & attitude that we try and share on the GuardYourEyes network when they were younger, they would have never fallen into an addiction in the first place! So we hope that through this handbook, many addictions will be prevented.

The handbooks are PDF files, set up as eBooks, and they have bookmarks and hyper-links in the Index, to make them easy to navigate.

Make sure to read them, they contain a wealth of information on beating this addiction! And I'd love to hear your feedback on them...

Note: You might want to print them out to read away from the computer. Keep in mind though, that if you do this, you won't be able to click on the many web links in the articles. But you can always come back to them later. The truth is, it's anyway good to go through the whole handbook once without clicking on links, just to get an overview of all the tools available. Once you did that, you can start again from tool #1 and read each tool through more carefully, click the links and study each technique and assess whether you have tried it fully yet or not...

Right click on the links below and select "Save Link/Target As" to download the handbooks to your computer.

1) The GuardYourEyes Handbook
This Handbook details 18 suggested tools and techniques, in progressive order, beginning with the most basic and fundamental approaches to dealing with this addiction, and continuing down through increasingly earnest and powerful methods. For the first time, we can gauge our level of addiction and find the appropriate tools for our particular situation. And no matter what level our addiction may have advanced to, we will be able to find the right tools to break free in this handbook!

2) The GuardYourEyes Attitude
The Attitude Handbook details 30 basic principles to help us maintain the proper attitude and perspective on this struggle. Here are some examples: Understanding what we are up against, what it is that Hashem wants from us, how we can use this struggle for tremendous growth, how we can deal with bad thoughts, discovering how to redirect the power of our souls, understanding that every little bit counts, learning how to bounce back up after a fall, and so on and so forth...

May Hashem be with you!

Dear yidster,
Do you feel that you are most different from those guys in the meeting because they are goyim? Or do you feel that they are perverts and you are not? Or is it something else entirely?
Whatever it is, please consider sharing about it here or elsewhere, and perhaps you will come to some comfort doing whatever it is that you need to do. Hashem will help you.
About the crying and shaking you shared about, I for one, am far more interested in what you could relate to that was shared by the fellows in the meeting.
Iv'e been going to meetings for a number of years, now, but still remenber my first meeting. I still remember how weird it felt before, during, and after that meeting.
There is no question in my mind that - in my case - it saved my life.
SA folks suggest 6 meetings before you give SA up for yourself. I think that's fair. I gave acting out a lot more chances than that....

Is there any alternative plan that you have for finally getting better other than opening up to safe people who will understand exactly what you are talking about? What is that format lacking for you?
Let me know, please, and we can discuss it. You can call me, too.

Hatzlocha whatever you do, yidster. Take the best care you can of yourself, whatever that means to you. A yidster deserves it!!

Love,
Dov

Hi Dov
thanks for asking how the meeting was… well I did not really sit thru the actual meeting, two guys took me to another room for orientation and they told me about the program and their stories.
yes It felt very WEIRD I wanted to run away they both kept talking and talking, telling me their story I was grossed out and yes I thought that I am not as bad as them, one guy grew up with a mother who was a Zone, the other guy could have been my grandfather and he is telling me about his masturbation problem, okay I got to admit that we have the same struggles but he is a goy and just looking at the other guys faces I was thinking what the heck am I doing here ( I was thinking what if my wife new where I was, she might think that just being on the same level with these guyim is far worse then what I actually  do).

i also don’t see how I will open up to these people, I am very closed person and have a hard time talking about my feeling especially in this area

the more I tell myself that I don’t want to go back and it is not for me, I just feel that I should and it will help…
thanks,
btw is there a way to get an email evertime someone post on a thread that I posted on?

Ok, I set it for you.

guardureyes wrote on 09 Jan 2010 17:06:
Good thing i dont have this feature. Gmail would probaly overload in 2 days!!!! :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

Welcome yidster. If you have the courage to go to sa meetings, then do it!! its so worht it. Cant tell you from my own expierences but i can seef rom the guys that went how they are so far ahead of the others!!!

Oh and btw listen to every word R Dov says and really digest it. Hes been sober for over ten years as well. Oh and hes about as brilliant as anyone i know.

So keep it up bro and were all here for ya.

A Gutte Voch!

By the way, as a response to your post on HB's thread, I could be wrong, but I think that being with your wife isa good thing, on lots of levels. You should work on making sure that you're doing it to make her happy, and when she wants, but it's also a good thing for you. Don't run away from it, and i think that obsessing about how much lust is involved can also be dangerous...

Thanks, you are right I was just a bit confused and bh it worked with my wife and it was great...

R' Volbe has a kuntris called "kuntris chassanim," he mentions the issue of not constantly thinking about what goes on with one's wife. I haven't learned it in a while, since I'm not getting married right now, and it wasn't an immediate isue right then, so i didn't pay much attention.

You might want to check it out, if you can get hold of a copy. Otherwise, I can see if I can find mine and let you know what he says.

Yidster wrote on 08 Jan 2010 16:17:

Sorry, just got around to seeing this, Yidster. Some thoughts:
1- Considering the 'goyim' issue, the very stark differences you saw between your story and theirs, and the normal first meeting wierdness everyone feels, I'd say things went quite well if you can honestly still say that you see you share some of the the same struggles. I look past the acts and see the common ground of lust: that "I'm gonna die if I can't have it" feeling that drives all the members to repeatedly and reliably use x, y, or z behaviors.

2- True, some of the guys in the meeting will be much lower than us, some a bit higher (believe it or not), but: if we have a hard time opening up to others about our feelings especially in this area, then to whom will we ever open up, if not to other addicts who know this part of us from the inside? A question, not rhetorical.

3- Typically, the meeting sends out the hard-time, "low-bottom drunk"-types to talk to the newbies, because they figure that sending him a "mild case" may  tell the new guy that these patsies can't possibly be as bad off as he is, and can't really understand his horrible problem.

4- Back to the beginning, "just looking at the other guys faces I was thinking what the heck am I doing here" - you shocked me into bitter memory. That is exactly what I used to say in my heart when I'd see my eyes in a mirror - while acting out. It was quite poignant, and sad.
v'hameivin yovin.

Hatzlocha whatever you decide is best for you to do! Hashem will help you if you put what's really best for you first, whatever it is!
ILY gobs.

Dear Yidster,
I am in a completely opposite predicament but one that ,might help you
I live too far away from any sa or slaa meeting live although I would love to go (just for the support). There are other ways I cope with phone meetings or online chat meetings etc or email forums. As well I have a wonderful sponsor mentor etc...
The only other thing I can say is that in my humble opinion try working the steps very very seriously with the aid of someone who's in the program for a while. It is practically the only way to truly be sober and live a normal life. This is proven everything else is commentary.
As well if you feel that this is not enough than personally I feel that this is for me sakanos nefashos and therefor every option must be used even if it feels uncomfortable. If not, I know that one day I could and probably would become exactly like those guys doing the same things exactly .
Hatzlocha raba, and feel free to keep posting here even if you fall escpecially if you fall, and hopefully before it even happens  ;D we will never judge .
Gavah is what stops us from even starting the process.

Nosson

Help help
I am very overwhelmed right now with my financial situation and I have been having an urge for a few hours already, my y’h is extremely smart and I have a thousand reasons right now why it is ok to act out, I know I will regret it, I am three weeks clean the longest I can remember being clean and I want to make, I just got to the computer and was very close to doing something and then my wife called and she told me that she needs to work on her ahavas Yisroel and not get annoyed when people tell her weird stuff…she suggested that we learn something together about  ahvas Yisroel so she can have more chizuk… ( we have not studied together since our shana reshona, 5 years ago) she is a nice person already and now she wants to take a bigger step and work on not getting annoyed with other people.. wow, that hit me so I decided to write on the forum to get my chizuk and to make me stronger in something that I really really need help with.
so please share some word of inspiration 

WOW
YIDSTER

THAT IS  CALLED SIYATTA DISHMAYA

ON MOTZAI SHABBOS

THER IS A LONG TEFILLA MANY PEOPLE SAY

ITS CALLED RIBBON SHEL OLAM

IT MENTIONS  ALL THE SHAARIM=GATES THAT WE NEED TO BE OPENED FOR US

AND IT WORKS IN THE SEDER OF THE ALEF BAIS

ONCE SOME CHASSIDIMASKED THE DAUGHTER OF THE HEILIGR BAAL SHEM TOV

WHICH IS THE MOST IMPORTANT SHARR?

SHE ANSWERED SHAAR SIYATTA DISHMAYA

WE ALL NEED SIYATTA DIHMAYA

WE CAN ONLY GET IT WHEN WE WORK FOR AND WITH HASHEM

NOT WHEN WE WORK

FOE SELF GRATIFICATION AND AGAINST HASHEM



KEEP ON TRUCKING!!!

BTW THE CLEANER U GET

THE GREATER YOU OWN AHAVAS YISROEL WILL BE

YES AHAVAS YISROEL

b

Yidster wrote on 21 Jan 2010 20:56:



1.) Keep in mind by staying clean is a segula financial situation. 

2.) There are multiple chofetz chayim seferim ahavas yisroel and ahavas chesed.

3.) Its probably a siman from shemayim that being active in ahavas yisroel will protect from these negative potentials.

4.) Your are doing better than you have done before! May Hashem grant you continued success.