I've been trying to write up my story for some time now but thinking back I'm actually very hazy as to the details. I remember that my best friend and I at a young age were very into sexuality even though we were unsure as to what it was all about, we would spend alot of time going through any magazine we coul get our hands on and ogle over the women, and we would experiment with each other.  My first porn experiance was when i was 11 or 12. I just stumbled upon it while watching tv in my parents room, and even though they put on a parental block I quickly figured out the code.

Till the age of 18 I was masterbating and viewing porn 5-6 times a day. I had no idea what I was even doing to myself I never thougt it was that bad. By 18 I came to realize the severity of my actions and I got on the roller coaster of teshuva and depression.

I got married at 20 and I thought my troubles were over for the first 6 months of marriage I had no falls, then we got high speed Internet and slowly but surely I slipped right back into the web. My marriage overall is good but there were many issues that were directly related to my struggle (although my wife has no idea) and whenever I fell shalom bayis fell right with it.

Before I found gye I was actually moving in the right direction, armed with "the garden of emunah" and a fierce determenation I was managing 3 week stretches of being clean, but I was lacking something and every fall always triggered huge depressions. It felt like the longer I was clean the worse the depression. Then Hashem sent me GYE and my life hasn't been the same since. I started the e-mails about 9 weeks ago and I've been reading and applying the handbooks, the struggle is not the same anymore. I think for me the best information was in how to view myself as an addict and how to stop the depression after a fall. I am now B"H 6 weeks clean from porn and masterbation and while I still have some tough struggles my defences are stronger then ever. Thank you everybody here on GYE for changing my life.

Jeff

Such a typical story, yet such a beautiful Neshama shining through!!

One day, Jeff, you will bless G-d for giving you these tests, because through them you will become - and already have become - a much much greater person.

Ashrecha.

Thank you for sharing. Each time I read another story like this it makes my day.

You can expect to see this in the daily e-mail 

Welcome aboard! Come on and help us give the rest of these great warriors Chizuk!

Welcome Jeff.  We are all here to help.  Just keep on working on it.  Best of luck.

Jeff wrote on 06 Jan 2010 18:43:


Ohh boy can I relate.
I'm glad you've been clean for a while! Its the best feeling, no?

But please, don't make the mistake I did. I c'v you fall, don't let it ruin you.
You have too much to live for. You have too much to do TODAY than to lose it to depression.

Hazlacha rabba,
B'ahava

Thanks for sharing your story, really typical in a way, but every story is another treasure!!
We're all on this thing together, so if you gain any wisdom - be sure to share it with us.
Hope to see you around,
Hatzlacha Rabbah!!

Shalom Jeff,

I recently joined myself, so here's a welcome from a fellow newbie (;

I find that the depression after a fall is itself a nisayon - I often feel like the y'h wants to chup me for keeps. He managed to trip me up once, and after that he wants to kick me once I'm down.

Do you mind if I ask why you've never approached your wife about this? I'm currently in shidduchim and I like to think that I want my wife to be a support and a resource to help me, so I'm interested what you think

Hatzlacha rabba - every second you fight is taka a huge victory

sR

Thanks jeff. A hard story to read but with a great ending. Keep it up. Hoping you all the best!!

Gevaldiggg

Resolve to stay here 90 days

Post away

As we say

KEEP ON TRUCKIN

Be happy

Yes be happy

B

Thank you everyone for listening and responding. Altough as pointed out my story is pretty typical my great insecurities and fear of rejection made it very hard to tell.

To sonicReducer
As I just said "my great insecurities and fear of rejection" scare me from talking to my wife. I have talked about these issues in general with her and her responses have not been the responses I would want aimed at me. So altough I think a wife would make a great partner in this fight and I think you'd be making a smart move going into it with all the cards on the table I'm basically just a big chicken.

.....and did you see in this heileger sefer that has sold over 1 million copies, where Rav Shalom Arush says:

"...when you are faced with a struggle of the yetzer or whatever....before you fall you must know that you are obligated to do anything, and everything possible NOT to fall, (as the Torah commands us),...this is before the fact.    ."......but, after you have fallen, then you must attribute it to "min hashamayim",  they wanted me to fall...it was for my own good."
     This will help to remove the yetzer's, "your no good, look what you did .....etc, which will eventually lead to anxiety, sadness, and the depression which will once again lead to the next fall.

How can it be, you will ask yourself,: that I fell, I did an aveira,, and it was planned in shamayim?! Answer: Through Hashem's love for us, he sees what we cannot. It could be that this fall will actually help us in the future, and will strenghten us. A nefeila l'tzurich Aliya.  Or, sometimes someone thinks they are very righteous, and so as a chessed he is thrown down. This will give him some of that anievus that he needs.
   
 As Rav Shalom says:  for someone to berate himself, and say, how could I have fallen. Look at me, how could I have done such a thing? Well, we MUST say this BEFORE we fall, i.e. (How can I DO such a thing?.....)  But, if none the less, we fell, then, it is GAIVA to say to myself, how can I have fallen. Do we hold ourselves to be such great tzadikim that we can't/won't fall. EVERYONE, including gedolim fall.

I did notice this, but until I started with GYE and saw that real people were struggling with what I was and they were fighting the depression it was all very theoretical and I found myself arguing the point. GYE is what gave me the strength to take the lesson and apply it to my life. My current 6 weeks is only thanks to my last fall after I found GYE and for the first time picked myself up immediately and started again without depression.

Unfortunately what you wrote, and experienced is "the" global chisaron that many of us have in our frum velt....i.e. everything that we have,and are still learning, Torah, middos, hanhagos tovos etc. always seem to stay at the "theoretical" level. This is why Rav Shalom wrote this sefer. If you were tell someone about a sefer on Emunah, wouldn't they say, "I already learned about it".  Then, when you read the sefer, you see clearly that even the Emunah P'shuta is far far away from us. We have not been living this way.

  In the Yeshiva, we learn about it...we here at GYE MUST put the theoretical into action. There is no other way. AND, if we are successful in doing this, then we can see that our fall, was in the end ....for our good. It brought us to true emunah B'poel, L'maaseh!

Jeff wrote on 07 Jan 2010 19:19:


YEAH WE CALL IT

KEEP ON TRUCKIN

Wow, me and Jeff - this beautiful!

And me, welcome back. We've missed you a lot!

Feelings are mutual!