Mazal tov on your 90th one day at a time, may you be zoiche to your whole life clean going forward.

I'll try to drink a lechayim in your honor, just hope I wont knock myself out from the many lechayim's I'll have to drink...

Have a wonderful shabbos, With love Akiva

It all started 3-4 years ago, it was a Thursday night sitting in my car and just browsing news etc, and while browsing i found a loophole in the filter, and instead of putting the phone down and taking a step back, I went in more and more i didn't watch actual porn but everything till there, and then i went in and masturbated for the first time in my life, for the next few days I wasn't able to look my wife in the face, and I was embarrassed to go in Shul, I felt like such a failure and looser, as a Bucher I had many challenges and I was able to overcome them and be strong, and here in one night everything went to waist, 
this mmemory came to me and I had to write it down, thanks for listening, 

Hi all, sorry if it's not clearly written, I'm not good at it, I just want to unload my heart,Over the past few years, I got very cold in certain aspects in Yiddishkeit, (One of the main side effects when giving in to the yetzer on kdusha),I used to wake up 5:45 learn daven, now I wake up ....... depends on my day i. Work i Daven at home bychidus, no mikva, no learning, i barley (or don't shh..) make zman shema, and tfila, something i used to be very strict in, i stopped learning chumish rashi, something I used to do every Thursday and I didn't go to sleep before I finish and in had a tremendous effect on my life, don't worry I didn't start to go to sleep early I just replaced the chumish rashi with movies, and I start doing it every night not only Thursday, i just didn't have any feeling in anything, and I knew it all along that it is because my wrong doings but I wasn't able to help my self, I tried a few times, and then 72 day ago I found the yshua the help I need GYE and all the ppl here, I started the program started reading the forum, and bh i got clean, my shmiras eniyim is improving (work in progress) my marriage is better Bh, and I thought that I'll get back my Davining etc, but that didn't happen, i don't remember theast time i davend with minyen or Davining took me more then 15 minuts in middle of the week, no mikva, my learning is ohmmm rather not say, ok ill say i don't remember the last time i learned gmura.most of the time i just don't feel any connection and I really miss it, I did have in the past couple of weeks a few good moments but that didn't hold for long and I'm so confused, do I feel טעם און יידישקייט or idon't feel.If I feel why don't I daven with minyen if I don't feel why did my musef first day rosh hashuna take 2 hrs (I was in a different world, never had this before felt so connected)If i feel, why Between rosh hashuna and Yom kippur I didn't go to slichus and davend at home every day,If i don't feel why did go the first 3 day sukkas in the morning to a shir in chasidus Real deep, and felt so good, but then on Hoshana Rabbah I didn't even start tehillim, (i used to finish every year for the past 10 or more years, Simchas Torah was good bh, I promised my self that I'll start again בראשית but guess what I didn't even start the first pusik.So the answer is i don't feel and this few time i did feel i don't have the tools to hold this feeling that it should pick me up to a higher place (maybe I do have it? If yes it needs extensive repairs)

Hi all, sorry if it's not clearly written, I'm not good at it, I just want to unload my heart,Over the past few years, I got very cold in certain aspects in Yiddishkeit, (One of the main side effects when giving in to the yetzer on kdusha),I used to wake up 5:45 learn daven, now I wake up ....... depends on my day i. Work i Daven at home bychidus, no mikva, no learning, i barley (or don't shh..) make zman shema, and tfila, something i used to be very strict in, i stopped learning chumish rashi, something I used to do every Thursday and I didn't go to sleep before I finish and in had a tremendous effect on my life, don't worry I didn't start to go to sleep early I just replaced the chumish rashi with movies, and I start doing it every night not only Thursday, i just didn't have any feeling in anything, and I knew it all along that it is because my wrong doings but I wasn't able to help my self, I tried a few times, and then 72 day ago I found the yshua the help I need GYE and all the ppl here, I started the program started reading the forum, and bh i got clean, my shmiras eniyim is improving (work in progress) my marriage is better Bh, and I thought that I'll get back my Davining etc, but that didn't happen, i don't remember theast time i davend with minyen or Davining took me more then 15 minuts in middle of the week, no mikva, my learning is ohmmm rather not say, ok ill say i don't remember the last time i learned gmura.most of the time i just don't feel any connection and I really miss it, I did have in the past couple of weeks a few good moments but that didn't hold for long and I'm so confused, do I feel טעם און יידישקייט or idon't feel.If I feel why don't I daven with minyen if I don't feel why did my musef first day rosh hashuna take 2 hrs (I was in a different world, never had this before felt so connected)If i feel, why Between rosh hashuna and Yom kippur I didn't go to slichus and davend at home every day,If i don't feel why did go the first 3 day sukkas in the morning to a shir in chasidus Real deep, and felt so good, but then on Hoshana Rabbah I didn't even start tehillim, (i used to finish every year for the past 10 or more years, Simchas Torah was good bh, I promised my self that I'll start again בראשית but guess what I didn't even start the first pusik.So the answer is i don't feel and this few time i did feel i don't have the tools to hold this feeling that it should pick me up to a higher place (maybe I do have it? If yes it needs extensive repairs)

5678 wrote on 12 Nov 2024 06:35:

WOW
I could have written that!
BLN remind me to write later what my experience in this was

parev wrote on 23 Dec 2024 05:42:

 What a זכיה to have r' parev post on my tread, it's time to go to sleep here,  will try to remind you In the morning