I’ve been struggling with Pornography since the age of 12. I have vivid memories of the first time I was exposed accidentally to Pornography, I can remember the first time I masturbated. I can still recall the guilt and lethargy that resulted from the first few times. I also remember walking into my father sneaking pornography in a number of times, I’m sure that has affected me in some way.
By the time I was in high school I needed p&m just to fall asleep. I was watching multiple times a day, to the very late hours of the night. I think my sleep habits are still messed up because of that period. 
In yeshiva after high school I began caring more about my shmiras einayim. I noticed the negative effects it was having on my life. I joined GYE and utilized some of their resources to help break my p&m habits. I fell off eventually but continue using their methods from time to time to curb my usage.
Fast forward to now, a few years after yeshiva. I’m currently married with a child. I’ve been able to get my usage down to about once a week but I believe I’m ready to fully commit to ridding myself of P&M. I think it has negatively affected my marriage,  as I have a limited desire to have physical intimacy with my wife, I’d prefer sneaking some p&m in instead. I occasionally feel like a bad husband and father. I’m ready to jump back into GYE and commit to helping myself.

Of all the terrible things about P and M, the worst for me was that I prefer Porn to having real sex with my wife. She doesn't know my problem, but she knows I am no longer overly interested in her. It is not about her at all; she is beautiful and willing; it breaks my heart to think about how she feels, feeling that I am not interested in her that way. So, you are not alone and in the right place..... BTW.. you are NOT a bad father and husband. You have a problem and are working on it, and for that, you should be commended.  

For me, sometimes my wife puts so much pressure on everything I do wrong in bed, that's it's not worth it. 

I prefer her over any kind of p***, but she has so many hangups and turnoffs, the effort needed most times is making it impossible. 
Sometimes I just say, forget it, it's not worth the effort and go get my kicks somewhere else. 

odyossefchai wrote on 10 Sep 2024 12:58:

Shalom Brother,
I don't know your situation, but it sounds incredibly difficult and painful. Some have it harder than others, there are some folks here that have really challenging bedrooms, but everyone can work on themselves. It's hard to see it, but when we do our part and put in the appropriate effort and alter our mindset, sometimes for a long time, eventually things start to change. Might not be the ending we hope for, but it's not our job to change our spouse, that road only leads to resentment and misplaced blame for all our woes. 

As a related note: porn teaches us things that we think we now know about women and sex. It's usually wrong. We have to make sure we are open to her needs, sensitivities, and dislikes without any preconceived notions about what it ought to be. Not presuming anything about your situation, just a general issue that many have to contend with after exposure to unrealistic ideas of what 'good sex' means.

Don't give up! The effort that feels 'not worth it' might be (might be) the exact thing that makes it special to achieve for her sake. Have you had open and non-judgmental conversations about your feelings?

Again, I don't know your personal situation, and you don't have to tell anyone either, so please ignore any unsolicited advice that does not pertain to you.

Hatzlacha

justinbieber wrote on 10 Sep 2024 07:16:

Welcome back Brother JB,
You are definitely in the right place.
Do you mind sharing your plan and some of the resources you find useful?
Thank you and continued hatzlacha.

Hi, thanks for your response. 

If I continue on GYE, I'm sure you'll get to know more of my story. 
Unfortunately there isn't a 'wife' there for me to have good times with. 
There's a woman that lives in my house and we are legally married but that's about it! 
Porn has always been an escape because I don't want to deal with having the urge to be loving to my wife but yet she's not a person that wants to be loved. (I'm probably the first person to say that porn isn't the real problem!) 

Maybe I'll learn new skills here, which is why I recently joined GYE! 
I'm always hopeful but over 15 years has passed and we got nowhere! Who knows what tomorrow will bring!

Thank you for the warm welcome back. It seems like a lot has changed on GYE since the last time I used it, so I’ll have to do some exploring. I found that in the past the Taphsic method has helped me and this time around I plan on leaning on the community more by participating in the forums. Any advice is appreciated though!

justinbieber wrote on 10 Sep 2024 07:16:

If I may clarify, I presume that you are saying you currently sometimes prefer p&m to sex. Intimacy is a whole different ballgame. Do you have a Rebbi that you have / can discuss marital intimacy with?

BenHashemBH wrote on 10 Sep 2024 15:40:

Yes that is what I meant, and no I do not have a relationship with a Rebbi like that

justinbieber wrote on 10 Sep 2024 15:53:

All of us use HHM as a rebbi for these things. Give it a shot - he's good people.
michelgelner@gmail.com

Welcome back JustinB!

Although I don'y know what the forums were like when you last stopped in (or GYE for the matter), now you will find much warmth and acceptance here.
People here care and want to help.
Check out the F2F program, read around on the forums, and when you're ready, a conversation with some of the mentors here can be life-changing.
(Personally, I spoke to HHM pretty soon after I joined and my life hasn't been the same. He is reachable at michelgelner@gmail.com)

Looking forward to hearing from you!

justinbieber wrote on 10 Sep 2024 07:16:

a mentor really helped me. I’ve been clean for a while. There’s reading material and videos that can give you advice on how to stop p&m

odyossefchai wrote on 10 Sep 2024 13:28:

Ouch I really feel for you. Your situation sounds so difficult and endless. So much suffering! I really hope you will soon see light at the end of this long tunnel.


Lol you definitely aren't the first person to think it. Just many have changed their minds, realizing that it was. That being said I am in no way suggesting that's the case. I would just say in my little experience that if you blame your struggles with porn on your wife, (even if it is her fault,) you wont stop using porn. You will spend all your energy dealing with the "real" problem. Namely how to deal with your difficult wife. 

How are doing, buddy?

Hi and welcome back Justin B.
So brave of you to come on here and post your story & struggles
keep us posted how its going, we are looking out for you
keep on climbing friend