I’ll iterate the idea I mentioned last slip. How ‘bout meeting up with old Muttel?

And staying in touch…..

every day
some of us
fight the gray. 

he doesn’t relax
waits for us
to slip through cracks. 

keeping it real
empowers us 
to truly heal. 

Reaching out a warm hand that stretches far - to grasp the hand of a honest, growing friend, I am, 

chaimoigen

Hello everyone it's been a bit

Slipped again.

In recent months I've been using this thread only to post my slips in order to strengthen the degree of accountability and also to strengthen the middah of honesty- which Ive struggled with for most of my life.I'm not sure why I haven't been posting my wins but Bchasdei Hashem I am coming along in my journey towards wholeness mainly through constant touch with many friends off of the forums- all of to whom I'm exceedingly grateful.

Now for the details...


I poked around my filter and read erotica for a long time this past Thursday night.


Before I did it I told myself that this would not ruin my streak yet when I was done I was fearful that I had just lost my streak. This was all even though I didn't do anything more than I had initially set out to do.


I'm bothered by the fact that my streak means so much to me and that I'm tying so much to it.


I will be keeping my count even though technically premeditated erotica reading does count as a fall according to the rules. It's kind of a grey area in general and since i was careful not to cross any other red lines I will continue from here.


Perhaps it's even more in the spirit of e"merging" to keep my streak because the reality is that I want to keep it. Pretending that IOnly really care about true odaat growth just isn't true for me right now- although it's definitely my long term goal.To go against that feeling would be pretending to be more authentic that I am which would obviously be a ridiculous thing to do. (How's that for rationalizing:) )

Thank you all,
Minhamayim

Hi again,

Just want to document here that I broke some gedarim that I set up for myself. I made up that I will not go on a certain "harmless" website without someone around or without first contacting someone for accountability. This seemingly innocent website had proven to be a pretty guilty one for anyone that is prone to easily slipping into the clutches of lust (e.g. me). I was bored so i was moreh heter and predictably, ended up seeing some stuff that I didn't want to see and ended up feeling pretty yucky about the whole thing.

I think it is noteworthy to mention that a friend of mine once pointed out that in moments like these it's important to remember how just a few months ago it would have been hard for me to imagine that breaking gedarim like this one would be reason for major concern. Thank You Hashem for bringing me to this place and for continuing to safeguard me as You present me with opportunities to grow.

I am hereby renewing and strengthening my commitment to this specific kabbala for the coming 30 days.

Thanks for listening,

Minhamayim

Good morning friends, 


It's been 30 days (see last post) and I'd like to officially renew the kabala for another month. Bh I stuck to it religiously and it really helped. Unfortunately that's not to say that it was a perfect month poking-wise. Even though these little slips are nothing compared to what I used to be busy with, it's not what I want for myself. Why oh why can't I just eradicate this completely! Just to be clear, it's not that I want the urges to go away- that would be ridiculous. I am a healthy human male and getting urges comes along with being one. And Bh I now have the tools to help me stay out of real trouble.


It's just these little pockets of allowing myself to lust just a bit without crossing any of the red lines I've set for myself. That is my battle now.



Minhamayim

Minhamayim, you are a true inspiration!!!