Hi,
I'm not sure if advertising like this in a forum is appropriate conduct or not. If so, can a moderator please clue me in so that I won't do such a thing again. I'm 40 yrs old. Not so great with technology or comfortable with it. So I kind of found the tools on this site difficult to use. Plus I don't have the kind of privacy I would want to use this platform all the time when I need it. Many times my access to a computer with internet is blocked.
So here is what happened to me. I'll try to make it short and as appropriate PG as I can.
Recently a woman to some extent successfully seduced me on Jwed. She messaged innappropriate things to me and I messaged her back, telling myself that it is OK because I need to get married and she is the only person who seems to be extremely open to this. I kind of realized after a few messages that what I was doing was wrong, so I asked her to stop. She did not message me again. The problem is that now I keep on fantasizing about messaging her again on my email (I memorized her address), expressing my intentions to continue the relationship. I have a problem with anger and guilt that feels like it's not completely solvable with doing my volunteer work alone. Plus the work often hits unpredictable snags and it is frustrating when I have to put in more effort into it, especially when it comes to having to rely more heavily on technological expertise or having people who are generally reluctant to partner with me in my work calling me back when I just happen not to be available. An orginazation called me recently to partner with me, but I was at lunch and my phone was in my bedroom. They didn't leave a message, generally fitting into the overall picture of reluctance to partner with me in my volunteer work. Perhaps because I have a hard time making the case that its valuable to anyone. I'm not sure if this second stage that I'm currently working on is something beneficial. With the first stage that I worked on I can already say Hashem helped me to produce tangible benefits to my customers.
This second stage lacks clarity right now because I'm looking forward on possible success instead building on a record (The second stage is a very different type of work than what I was doing originally). I currently have just one customer that I am serving in the original type of work that I was doing, but it has taken up a miniscule amount of my time. Also, some insomnia to make it more difficult to have patience when life hits a snag.
So now that I established that it is difficult for my volunteer to completely always block out the urge to message this woman, and that it seems sometimes like a possibly more healthy solution to my problem than drinking alcohol (Only yesterday did I start this, maybe thinking it's somehow better than date talk lines or messaging to cope). I tried to get a GYE counselor to help me with my general problem of this addiction, but he said he wanted to talk to my Rabbi about whether he should counsel based on a suspicion that I might have a mental illness connected to this addiction, and I was uncomfortable sharing this issue with my Rabbi at the time, so I broke off the potential counseling relationship. Plus he suggested mental health treatment which is extremely difficult for me to access at this time due to lack of funds, medical insurance application tied up because it's difficult for me to cancel my previous medicaid insurance in in a state (USA) I lived in previously, plus gold standard medicaid clinics in both states have rejected me for their programs, one because of not fitting in to technical diagnostic criteria, and the clinic in the current state refused to tell me why they didn't want to help me.
I'm don't think at all that I'm the first person that has this particular situation happen to him (strange woman on the internet type). Does anyone feel like they can comprehensively advise me on this issue, despite the fact I happen to be over the past few months or six a difficult person to deal with?
Remember, I keep having (possibly over the past two days) strong urges/fantasies to message this woman, sometimes it might be to cope with anger and guilt, other times not. Sorry to be so crass and petty. I know I shouldn't be a baal gaava, but she makes me feel important when some other people hate to hear me yell and complain or ignore my suggestions/advice, and that makes it harder for me to control my urge/fantasies to seek attention from her.
Please let me know if it's appropriate to give out my private email, if you think you can better advice over the phone/email.
thanks,
Mister/Rabbi.
