Hi guys, it's my first time posting publicly about anything, much less something as heavy as this, so I hope I can get my message out and hopefully find help or help some of you.

I grew up frum with a wonderful family. I was exposed to sexual ideas for the first time when I was 12. I don't remember much about my 'evolution' for a while other than some exploration with family member's phones from time to time. I went out of town for high school and while was there I acquired an unfiltered device that I was able to use every day for p&m. Eventually I got a smartphone and ever since I've been on and off. 

My phone was filtered but I found loopholes all the time. Eventually I told myself that I needed to crack down, so I spoke to my filter administrator and together we patched the holes in my filter. Unfortunately, it was no time before I found a way around again and I felt like I was back to square one. I continued this game for a few years sometimes fighting, sometimes in denial, and sometimes just hopeless.

Finally, three months ago I joined GYE and finally I was getting somewhere. I was able to preemptively identify and avoid the problems instead of trying to fight them head on. It's a journey but I think I'm getting better at it.

However, as great as this program is, I am not perfect and there have been setbacks. The biggest issue for me is regaining my footing after I fall. I give up, or feel down and helpless, and even if I want and plan to move on I find myself facing an urge and tell myself I'll start again but first one more time. It seems to take a massive downward spiral to get me to step back and reassess. 

What can I do to cope with falls? What can I do to stay strong after? What will it take to visualize momentary weakness as just a small setback? If anyone's been here and has any tips I'd greatly appreciate a response. 

And to all of you, keep up the great work, I'll meet you as free men on the other side.

Welcome to the party!! Reaching out to people here has been a huge help for me (and others). learning to look back on a fall and think about what went wrong and what you can do to avoid it happening again can help. but yes, falling still sucks, and getting back up isn't easy, but as you grow in your journey you learn how to deal with setbacks. 

What can you do to cope with the falls? Understand that the only true failure is if you turn your stumble into a learning experience. Albert Einstein once defined insanity as doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. That definition is the definition of failure because it means you have learned nothing however if you learn something from it, namely that this is process and it requires you to take baby steps. You need to learn to set the bar low enough that you can be better tomorrow than you are today but at the same time high enough that you aren’t the same person tomorrow that you were today. I was going to answer each question separately but I think the one answer covers them all. In short in case I lost you 1. Like a baby learning to walk this is a process 2. Stay Calm and Trust the Process 3. You will never be perfect there is always something to stub your toe on and you will stub it 4. Failure is only something that occurs if you learn nothing from what happened to you

Read Appendix A from The Battle of the Generation (link below).

Ah! Welcome to the family! I'm so happy that you posted, thereby officially becoming 'one of the boys'! We are here for each other, we want to hear from you, and I would guess that it's one of the best things for after a fall. First of all, being here, connecting, learning from the chevra, will help you prevent some falls. And if C"V you do fall, we are here to stand by your side and help you get back up...up and trucking!!! Stick around, my friend, and please share your thoughts

yosefhaodavichai wrote on 07 Dec 2023 04:08:

Hi & welcome! 
Think of relapse as a stepping stone. Instead of viewing your slip as a step backward, think of it as a progression on your road to recovery. Many people lapse or relapse, and if you think of each attempt at sobriety as a means of getting closer to your end goal — a lesson in your cumulative recovery learning, so to speak — this setback won’t be in vain.
If we were trying to stay clean and had a fall, we must realize that we haven’t lost anything that we gained until now. We simply have to get up and continue from where we left off. 
The Steipler once told someone who complained to him about how difficult this struggle was, that the times we fail are erasable, but every time we pass a test is a Kinyan that's ours to keep forever. Even if we are successfully misgaber (overcome) only once in a while at first, this initial hisgabrus will ultimately lead us to break free completely.

Instead of getting down on ourselves after a fall, let us reflect back on how many times we did manage to say “no” to the Yetzer Hara before he won us over now! Let’s recall the many tens - if not hundreds - of times during the past clean-streak that we didn’t give in to him! We definitely have the upper hand in this war. He is determined to make us feel down so that we should continue to slip. But let us focus on the overall picture. Even though we may have lost a battle now, we are still winning the war. Let’s rejoice about our successes and get right back up for the next round, where B’Ezras Hashem, we will do even better!

Thank you, very profound. I especially felt  the vort from the Steipler. Can you clarify the part where you said to "Think of relapse as a stepping stone... think of it as a progression on your road to recovery"? I hear not being so down because of it, but how is it a good thing?

It means that a bump in the road is to be expected. When a baby learns to walk it doesn’t walk smoothly at first it falls down many many times so to you are learning to leave porn and masturbation falls and bumps in the road are to be expected and just like a baby you build on what you learned from the first fall so that subsequent falls will have additional experience behind you so that eventually you won’t fall to often or even at all 

yosefhaodavichai wrote on 07 Dec 2023 19:21:

Among the collected letters of Rav Yitzchok Hutner, zt"l, is one that was written to a talmid whose own, earlier, letter to the Rosh Yeshiva had apparently evidenced the student's despondence over his personal spiritual failures. The Rosh Yeshiva's response provides nourishing food for thought.

Citing the saying that one can "lose battles but win wars," Rav Hutner explains that what makes life meaningful is not beatific basking in the exclusive company of one's yetzer tov" but rather the dynamic struggle of one's battle with the yetzer hora.

Shlomo Hamelech's maxim that "Seven times does the righteous one fall and get up" (Mishlei, 24:16), continues Rav Hutner, does not mean that "even after falling seven times, the righteous one manages to gets up again." What it really means, he explains, is that it is only and precisely through repeated falls that a person truly achieves righteousness. The struggles – even the failures – are inherent elements of what can, with determination and perseverance, become an ultimate victory.

The truest test of an eved Hashem is davka when Hashem takes everything away from him, such as when he falls and feels no inspiration, no emotion and no Hislavus. That's the moment of truth where a person can ask himself honestly, “am I an eved Hashem because it's my nature and/or because it keeps me emotionally happy, or do I serve the Almighty because that's His will and nothing else?”

The Be’er Mayim Chayim says that in the army, when they would want to test a great soldier to see if he's fit to be a general, they would put him on a wild horse that was impossible not be thrown off of. Although no one could stay on that horse, the test was only to see how fast he would get back up after he was brutally thrown down and wounded.