After close to years clean, with Hashem's help, I fell without Hashem's help. I fell after first getting complacent, then actively shrugging off things which could have helped stop it. Over the course of a few days I built up excuses and delusions, not utilizing the tools I've developed over this past time, and letting the Ruach Shtuss engulf me fully. I didn't reach out. I didn't talk it out with those amazing people who would have loved to help me avoid this. I stifled my feelings. I browsed on unprotected computers without accountability, seeing things with the justification that having the skin filter on is enough, although I'm letting my imagination run wild. I fell back into the same pattern of deceit and half-truth that has damaged me in the past. Ignoring the consequences, I shut the part in the back of my brain screaming not to. And then, in the end, even without me touching myself, I released. And in that moment, the excuses dropped. I am grateful to Hashem for giving me these past 675 days. Thank you to HashemHelpMe, Vekham, Eerie, Cordnoy, Dov, to my Rabbeim, therapists, and all the others who have inspired, encouraged, advised, and uplifted me to this point. I now face the prospect of a Nisoyoin Hashem  wanted me never to have, but that I have, through my own bad decisions and carelesness, unfortunately placed myself into.
Getting up after a fall. Here we go.

B'ezras Hashem Yisborach, Day 2

Painful stuff, Refuah Sheleimah, pal.

One thing I want to understand, though:

Really? Was your heart not beating? Did your nervous system stop? Did you not ejaculate?
I think Hashem was very much there, helping you every second. Probably shaking his head and saying, "Son, I made a promise to mankind, if this is what you choose, this is what I'll do for you."

Sorry about that it isn't fun. I remember my first fall. 

When you were counting your hundreds of days did you give the credit to hashem ? I am sure you did.

So a fall is also from Hashem (I don't know why) - Not that it makes it feel better.

But you got up again and that's what counts!
Hatzlacha!

Please read Chapter 21 of The Battle of the Generation. It's about the proper perspective when you brought challenges upon yourself.

Unfortunately i know the feeling, i fell after 692 days clean, and now i'm back to 38, still bittersweet, try to block out your mind for the next 10 days, i was very sad and couldn't bring myself to reset the chart, 
but kudos to you for coming up right away

and lets dance together for 1367 days we had together combined (that's close to 2 MILLION minutes of holiness)

Keep strong!



you have proven to yourself that you can stay clean for an extended period of time. Iyh you will get back there. 

I'm sorry, it itches really bad, But it's amazing to see you back so fast, you are an example for all of us that even if we fall after so many days we shouldn't give up, The next few days you stay clean are worth much more that the last few days before you fell because now you face a nisayon of giving up and you are not, just as your YH is not giving up.
Talk to hashem in your own words and tell him how much you really want to get closer to him.

P.S. Put those 675 in your archive not in the garbage.

May you have a speedy recovery.
True self

Keep coming back

Thank you! thank you for not giving up! Thank you for sharing your pain with us your strength with us and your resolve with us. My heart aches for you. I had a fall after only half a year clean and I just remember it feeling so stupid. Like I wasted my fall on that?! I could have watched something good and actually enjoyed instead of just falling to something that never would have gone on my radar when I was head deep in this stuff. In the end I realized my fall was my biggest mark of success, If I wasn't clean for so long than I could not have fallen. The yetzer hara was losing his grip on me and I had a fall to prove it.

Man your like a billionare who lost a million dollars.  I'm the pauper who struggles to stay clean for a week and feels rich when 10 days clean. 
I dont even know how to feel bad for you. Like your a gadol mammish and your crying like this.  I don't know man your too holy. 

This post makes me feel better. Here I am thinking I'm terrible because I can't go consecutive weeks anymore but you have now given me chizzuk. Thank you

wow that's so bad. Sorry to read that you've lost your streak.....
Yaakov limps for the rest of his life. It means that we are always held back from the yetzer hara