Hi everyone in this Heilige community of people trying to become better and stay holy!
It all started when I was a 7 year old boy and I had unhealthy relationships with other boys for a long period of time.
I had many family-related issues which I will not discuss as of now unless someone wants to hear...
All along, for years I've suffered in complete silence.
I was an outstanding boy in learning, understanding learning and in Middos.
Over time, I developed an unreal level of anxiety, mostly social anxiety.
For a few years, I didn't express myself to any friends not about mundane matters, and surely not a word about dealing with issues.
In short, I lived in complete loneliness and isolation.
After a very tense year-and-a-half, I was by a relative who has a computer. I went onto it, and saw some inappropriate "shopping images". Nothing that can be labeled as "explicit". But, boy was I horrified.
Life continued, till around a year later where I stopped functioning due to all my issues. I went to help but I wouldn't share anything. I got some medication, began opening up my sad story.
My struggle with pornography started around a year later, after I was discharged from the hospital for a psychiatric emergency, when I went ahead and bought a device. This was the beginning of my current struggle with pornography where every once in a while, I go out and either break through a filter or buy a device and watch porn. Usually, I feel so guilty that I get rid of it after a short amount of time. The longest I had a device for, was a few days.
I would like to hear some input and I can elaborate and continue.
Wishing everyone much success

Congratulations on taking the 1st step in bettering yourself!
What age range are you in currently?

we all struggle with this in various different ways and their are a lot of resources available.

hatzlacha!

tryingtobeholy wrote on 06 Nov 2023 17:57:

Dear Holy,
The mere fact that you are trying to be holy makes you a hero and a true Eved Hashem!
Welcome to this wonderful site where people from all walks of life and different struggles, some easier and some harder than yours have succeeded in getting away from this problem. So you made the right choice and taken the first step in the right direction!
Now, it seems that you might benefit from professional  help, are you currently going for help? Lots of us here are, its a perfectly normal and healthy thing to be doing. I went for help for years as well. 

Regarding your background, i wish to hear more details of your struggles. I also went thru a rough childhood and have/had terrible anxiety. 

Stick around and read the Battle of the generations, start the Flight to Freedom program. Slowly but surely you will be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. 

Good luck/ 
You can email me if you want. 
Chancygye@outlook.com

tpl,
Thanks for your comment. It means a lot to me. I am actually in the age range of 18-21, and I B"H have used the open resources to get the most effective help.

Chancy,
Thank you for your comment. It means a lot, that just a random fellow Jew is interested in me and my story. It makes me feel special.
B"H I have been going to help. As I mentioned, I am on medication - prescribed by a psychiatrist. I also have been seeing a therapist for a while.
I have started the flight to freedom program. It's amazing B"H.

Kol Hakavod to you!!

I wish for myself that i had taken advantage of the resources available on here 10-15 years ago and worked on myself to be clean before i got married. 
reach out anytime if you feel the need

We can't imagine the hardships and pain you went thru and still going thru. May Hashem be with you in every step. It's really amazing that you're trying so hard to grow and do what's right. We are here for you. Please stay connected and keep us posted. 

Welcome tzaddik!  Be proud that you took the step to post.  

​Be aware that unfortunately there are many guys who due to their inability to share regarding this black tormented monster-like part of their life - the pornography, masturbation, etc., ended up with psychiatric issues. The level of depression and anxiety this sugya has brought upon nice wonderful boys has rach'l even led to suicide attempts. 

Whether the fixation on these issues being hypocritical to your perfectionist life caused the severe anxiety, or the general anxiety led to exaggerated levels of acting out as a means to relieve yourself of the pain, the act is that you - and many others - came to a belief that there is G-d forbid no hope. Well buddy, we are here to tell you - there is hope. B'ezras Hashem you will get better and lead a productive life!!  

tryingtobeholy wrote on 06 Nov 2023 20:09:

BH I’m happy to hear that you are steady on your meds and going for help, keep it up! 
Just one correction, there is no such thing as a random Jew…. We are all brothers in more ways than one.
we are so close to the end of this long exile when we will all be United again in Jerusalem, we need to start bonding more and more until we are really like one big family.
So don’t for a second think that you are alone, you have lots and lots of brothers here. Stick around bro!

Hi TTBH! I'm so sorry for all the pain and hard things you've been through. My heart goes out for you. You are amazing that you are here with us, looking to break free! You are amazing! Please stick around, there's lots to learn here. And please let us know how you are doing

tryingtobeholy wrote on 06 Nov 2023 17:57:

So sorry to hear about your past! Its really tough. I also had a very difficult time in yeshiva because of anxiety and inability to be anything less than perfect. The struggles you went through are unimaginable, but scharcha harbei meod! With the resolution and strength you built up to deal with your traumatic past, you can build yourself a bright future in this world and the next!

First of all, Just the fact that you are here is showing HaShem that you are TryingToBeHoly! Second, as many of the guys have already said much more eloquently than I could. You are in the right place! I lurked in the shadows of this site for years (Yes, years) until I finally garnered up the courage to post my story. You have taken a HUGE step in the right direction and you really do have friends in here that can and want to help you! You have to remember that when they are helping you, YOU are also helping them! 

I am too new to give practical advice to you, but follow the F2F program and listen, read, talk, post about your struggles with the people here.